Hanging Out

Today is Monday June Fourteenth Two Thousand Ten. I had a fun but interesting weekend and I figured I would reflect on it here as thats what this blog is for. Before I write about it I just thought that I'd give thanks for everyone who has helped me thus far in my recovery and how lucky I am to have the friends and family that I do. There is no way I could have done it solo and while it was hard to ask for help I am very glad that I did. I know that all I have to do is to pick up the phone and call someone or send off an email makes me feel safe. I know that I have people out there that care about me and my recovery gives me confidence and allows me to trust people. Most importantly is allows me to trust myself and have faith in my program that will allow me to take risks in order to live a happy and fulfilled life.

So I went out with my friend (let call her ##)that I've been writing so much about. We went to the sox game and then to the beehive to see some friends of mine play. First off she looked amazing. Simply beautiful. I learned later that she normally doesn't wear makeup and while I think she is very sexy without being made up she looked even better. Thats a big change for me, previously I wasn't all that psyched for women who painted themselves but now I know if its done well it can look awesome. I have to admit that I was really fucking proud to be with her even if I knew we were not going to end up naked and sweaty. ## seemed to dig the ball game and certainly liked the beehive and the band that played. We had an awesome table there, close enough to see and hear them but not too close so that we had to yell at each other. I made her laugh and there were not any uncomfortable pauses that I can remember. It would be really easy to treat her just as eye candy because I do find her so attractive but she really has something to say and has definite opinions that she stands behind. I don't think ## gives herself enough credit for what she has above her lovely breasts but she is def bright.

After that nite I could have slept the rest of the weekend and been ok with it. Other than going to the gym and a couple of AA meetings I didn't have much on the docket. I thought about perhaps trying to talk some folks into going out to see some music but I didn't have much hope of that. I laid my head on my pillow and about an hour later my phone blew up with texts. About and hour after that a friend was going to pick me up we were going to ##'s house for dinner and some movies. Sweet I thought, an evening with two females I admire and one I am trying hard not to fall in love with. When we arrived at ##'s house there were some other folks there and while I was disappointed I was ok with it. The only problem was this drunk dude that seemed to want to harass me every fucking time we interacted. I just ignored him like I do most drunk people and he didn't like that. He took every thing I said and assumed every answer to every question was something aggressive. It was really bizarre, he even took offense at the t-shirt I was wearing. It was a K2 shirt with a mountain climber on it, how the fuck does that piss you off ? I really have never run into someone like this before in sobriety, if I was loaded I would have knocked him out. Thats what he seemed to want me to do, to antagonize me, to goad me into starting something with him. It was really fucking bizarre and while ## apologized to me for how he was acting it had nothing to do with her. Maybe active alcoholics can sense people in recovery so they go after them.

Anyway, after everyone else was either asleep or on the road ## and I talked. And talked, and talked till four thirty in the morning. It was good to get to know her better and it only serves for me to care about her more. I told her stuff I've only told a few other people outside the program and she seemed to understand. She did ask one question in particular. Same question another woman asked me and that was would I ever drink again. I don't know if my sobriety it a hindrance to her wanting to get into a relationship with me or if she was just curious. I explained to her why I couldn't drink again and I think she got it. One thing is for sure, it doesn't matter how cool or hot someone is, I won't drink to get to know them better or the please them in some way. It hurts a bit, to think that a woman won't want me or take me serious because I'm in recovery but thats how it is. I wouldn't even be having a conversation like that if I wasn't sober and I have to remember that always. I also have to remember that some people have only known me sober so they don't know what I was like when I was drinking. I explained to ## about my heroin addiction and my subsequent subutex maintenance, to lay all my cards on the table. It felt good telling her all of that, all I've been thru and it wasn't because I wanted to impress her somehow or make her feel sorry. I told her all of them so she can make an informed decision on how she feels about me, to be a man with integrity & honesty, a man with nothing to hide. It felt good.

## spoke a bit about her boyfriend of eight years. She mentioned that he did something to "shatter her universe" and how controlling he was. He spoke of how e didn't want them living together till they were married and how he would shower her with jewelry and other gifts. She had this disgusted look on her face when she was talking about him but I can see that the pain is still pretty fresh even after a couple of years. All I know is that this guy is fucking nuts to hurt someone like ## and I am pretty sure he regrets whatever it was that he did to her. Maybe I will find something dark about her personality or something but from what I see and know now, she is a gentle & caring woman who would be fun to share my life with. If I didn't enjoy her company so much I think I would be able to move on and not be as patient as I am. This is a woman not to take lightly, someone who could really be an asset in my life and she is def worth any amount of time and effort till I have the balls to tell her how I feel. My heart does a little pitter patter whenever I see a text message from her or an email, that has not stopped. I took a bit of a risk yesterday by giving her a t-shirt that I bought last fall. I didnt really get into the story of how I came to own it but she def deserves it and I know she was psyched. I feel like I'm in high school now, which I guess it a step up from the middle school feelings I had six months ago.

Point is, I am having fun with this and she makes me feel good. It would be a pity if things didn't go any further but thats life. I am going to try and act like an adult and not to let my feelings get in the way of what is starting to be a good friendship. If I tell her my feelings and she runs away laughing then I will know that it wasn't meant to be and I will move on to other things. One thing I am not going to do is to not take action and not say whats in my heart and on my mind.

Happy Day, Happy Life

Today is Wednesday June Ninth Two Thousand Ten. Lots to write about today and I am pretty muthafuckin' happy today for lots of reasons. The first is the woman in my life that I am most attracted to has magnificent breasts and since its summer they should appear more often when I am around her. I'm still too much of a pussy to tell her how I feel but I am working towards telling her something. I just don't want the festival we are going to together to be awkward so I am going to wait till at least after it happens. Who knows, perhaps it will be totally obvious to me before then but I am sure things will work out for the best and the way they should. I just need to keep in mind that not only are there multiple women that talk to me and seem interested but I actually have something to offer them. Thats the real difference now and how I deal with them is much healthier. Case in point, I sent an email Monday afternoon inviting my hopeful paramour to the baseball game on Friday. I didn't hear anything and of course the first thing that went thru my head is that somehow she found out that I am really a total jackass and doesn't want anything to do with me. So I sent her a text this morning asking her about Friday and she hadn't seen the email yet and responded right quick that indeed she would like to go to the game with me and my secret life as a jackass has not been uncovered.

I like to yap to others in AA that I try not to set myself up for failure but I don't always practice that in my daily affairs. But life is about taking sensible risks and talking to, spending time with, and entertaining a woman who I find attractive in more than one way is a sensible risk to me. Its not like she doesn't know who I am and I am gazing at her thru binocs or something like that. We communicate often, spend quality time together, and I have to concentrate when I talk to her so my gaze doesn't plunge downward like her neckline. Woman know what the fuck they are doing when they dress, well except for maybe most of the eighties. They know when they show a little boobage that hetero men like that and will appreciate the efforts on their boobies behalf. I was jawing about her to a friend of mine and he said that it sounds like we are beginning an intimate friendship, that is sharing things that occur only between us, and thats a great sign. I have been thinking for a while now that if she and I don't end up dating then she will be like a sister to me. I hope thats not creepy or anything, but I just feel a connection that goes beyond what I feel with other women.

Ok, enough scribbles about her. As you can tell I could write pages and pages about this woman. I friend I used to ingest heroin with contacted me and asked me to be his sponsor. Unlike my normal answer in all AA related activities my first answer was no but then I thought about it. I can at least be his temporary sponsor and perhaps help him find someone permanent. He did reach out to me and I wasn't there to help him out but I can't let myself be upset about it. I did write him a note on email detailing how I work my program and that anyone I sponsor should be willing to entertain my suggestions. There is also another friend of mine who lives closer to him that may be an excellent fit for me. People are ready to get sober when they are ready to get sober and I can't expect my sponsee to have the same program success as I have. Thats why I think it was good that I immediately didn't say yes and was able to think about it for a few. Being impulsive was such a part of my make up for so long it sometimes surprises me when I think things thru. What I need to remember is that he is looking to get healthy and is asking for help, sometimes people are not even able to get to that step and die and active addict.

Parents are weird. It must be strange to make a life, care for the life, watch the life grow and flourish, watch the life almost die, and then watch the life be reborn into something they can be proud of. My mom apologized to me the other day for worrying about me and I told her that if anyone was allowed to worry about me it would be her and my pop. Without fully realizing it I have put them thru so much and made them worry about my welfare. My mom once told me that many nights she would go to bed and wonder if I was still alive or if I would somehow die that eve. Thats pretty fucking creepy but its the truth. My mom may be many things but she is honest. And she doesn't even know the half of what I was up to. Mixing different drugs and alcohol, combos which should have killed me. If she knew all that then she would really worry about things. She also told me that she wants me to succeed and I think part of that in her mind is for me to get married. I didn't want to mention to her that most people need to have a girlfriend for a while before they get married and since I don't have a girlfriend at the moment I should probably focus on that. To placate her a but I told her that there is someone special and she said that she "has her fingers crossed". Great, throw some superstition at the issue.

I guess I've always liked the idea of having a girlfriend, someone to share stuff with, someone to make happy. someone to learn from but I didn't want to do the work that having a girlfriend entailed. First off is getting into shape, I def didn't want to do that, hell I didn't even want to shower those last six to eight months. I used to go four, five, and sometimes six days not showering. Since I had a beard and had long hair it wasn't obvious from a distance but get up close and you could probably smell what was going on. Maybe I thought the body odor would cover up the smell of booze in some small way. Like any other part of my life I wouldn't do my laundry unless I absolutely had to and even then I wouldn't use much soap or none at all because I didn't have any. Fucked up shit for sure. I love having clean and new clothes now, love smelling good, and love to be clean. It took some time before I wouldn't smell like ass at the end of the day, it was as if there was some smelly carry over. I remember others who sat near me at work complaining about something smelling and I would always blame my feet. Fucking nasty and this is the first time I've talked about it since I got sober. It was as if I was just totally shutting down and didn't give a shit about myself, didn't respect myself anymore.

I think thats why I am pretty vain about how I look these days. I like how I look now and look forward to looking better in the future, wearing clothes that fit, haircuts that look cool. I carefully monitor the amount of gray in my hair and you better fucking believe that I am going to dye that shit when it becomes too obvious. Distinguished my ass, gray hair makes me look old and thats fucking it. I don't want people to realize immediately upon seeing me that I am my age, I like it when people think I am much younger than I am. I don't know why I don't look older, after all I drank every day for a decade. Maybe the booze helped me somehow, I dunno. I am feeling younger, sobriety and working out help that and I feel that I am living life well these days and I appreciate every day that I have on this earth. I look forward to the day rather than dreading it like the past. Plus I get to hang out with a woman with nice boobs, now that is awesome. I hope I get a chance to show her my sincere appreciation of the gift that god gave to her.

A Poor Choice ? I Think Not !

Today is Monday June Seventh Two Thousand Ten. I'm glad its Monday. No really, I am psyched to get this week over with and continue to next weekend. Yep, its going to be one of "those" weeks, when I can taste Friday afternoon on a Monday morning. Normally I don't like to talk about the weather but we had some hella weather yesterday. For about an hour or so it looked like a hurricane outside my living room window and a bunch of trees a few streets over were uprooted. They knocked down power lines, smashed cars & houses, and generally fucked things up. That was just two blocks away, at street there were branches and shit like that but no trees on the ground and we had power thru out the afternoon. Of course during times like this they tell you to stay away from the windows and to take cover and we were either looking out the windows or I was walking to the Tibetan place for dinner. Human nature to look at crap thats going on outside, I wonder what homeless folks do during stuff like that? Must totally suck not to have a place to call your own, a place to rest your head. Granted I've been close to homelessness myself although I could have found refuge at my mom and dad's house or at a friends but if I had lost my job at a few certain times I would have been fucked to say the least.

Plenty to report about my social life but I won't go over it in excruciating detail other to say that I am glad that I am me and glad that I'm in recovery. I think I wear sobriety well and that life is going to turn out ok for me. I may not have children of my own but I will def have someone to share my life and adventures with later on down the line. To think I was actually seriously considering killing myself as a way out, an "answer" to my problems is ridiculous and petty and does not take into consideration other people's feelings. To think that I really thought in my head that it was a good idea just shocks me. Not to say that I am capt awesome or anything like that but I do feel that I contribute to the lives of my friends and I am occasionally able to make them laugh and smile. Hopefully my friends look forward to hanging out with me as much as I do. For some reason thats super important to me, to make a difference in someone's day, a difference for the better.

So Friday nite I met an ex and her husband for drinks and conversation. It is important to note that she is from and continues to live in Madrid so its not like I run into them often. In fact, the last time I had seen her was when she left for a vacation in the Canary Islands where she met her future husband. I wanted to dislike him for nothing more than being the apple of someone's eye who was once the apple of mine. He was a really nice guy, outgoing without being annoying and a good balance for her. She seems very happy with him and they have three children together so something must be working. He does something in finance but she is able to continue working with some sort of balance in their lives. I am not sure how much B told him about our friendship, whether or not he knew that we once swapped bodily fluids but he seemed genuine and cool. B of course, looked awesome, just as awesome as she did when we hung out fifteen years ago. I was invited to their wedding but that was waaay beyond my comfort level then. I think I could probably hack it now and now I would have a date for the event so things would be different. I told B I was sober and sort of explained things to her and she was really cool about it. Not that I excepted her to shoo me away but I am pretty sure she is worried about her brother and I wanted to show her that its possible for people to be in recovery and have fun while living and getting better.

There were also a couple of other women from my college there and it was interesting to see and talk with them. To be honest it was nice to be around women my own age for once, not that there is anything wrong with the group that I am with now. It was refreshing to get their perception of me as a man in recovery who actually has something going for him. It really helped in my self confidence in dealing with the situation I find myself in now. I won't rehash what I wrote the other day but I do feel that I bring something to the table and the perhaps she may be interested in something beyond friendship. That she isn't nice to me because she feels bad or wants something from me, she honestly likes to spend time with me like I do with her. She said a couple of things to me Friday nite that were surprising in a good way so I am feeling good about how things are going between us. Either way I will be happy but I'd be lying if I said I would be super disappointed if she didn't at least harbor a few romantic feelings for me. If she doesn't, I will really need to work on my female radar skills. I know that they are super rusty at this point but that doesn't mean they shouldn't work at all. When I explain some of her actions to male friends of mine, they tell me the writing is on the wall, that she is attracted to me. But I think thats just male ego talking most of the time, I need to talk to a woman who doesn't know her and try to get some type of translation.

I've been listening to my ipoddy a bunch these days. I go thru phases with that thing, some weeks I will use it on my commute and at the gym and then it will sit for months, unloved. Anyway, PH!SH has been in rotation as I am getting ready to see them in a few weeks, actually two weeks from tomorrow down in Mansfield. Should be pretty damn fun as I am leaving work at noon and then don't have to be back till noon the next day. I am hoping to catch a ride down there early with someone from work and then crash at my friend's house close by and then taking the train in the next day. I am sure it sounds very complicated for an concert but PH!SH shows have a way of getting super complicated. Whenever you mix travel, partying, and groups of people shit gets complicated. I am also looking forward to seeing how I deal with my friends partying in general and one special friend in particular. I want her to feel comfortable with having me be sober without having to second guess everything. Thats one of the big unknowns for me beyond whether or not she wants to get funky. Would something like that work or should I focus on just sober women ? I am hoping I am able to lay chilly with what she is doing and just go with the flow. One thing I don't want to happen is to hook up just because she is wasted and making poor choices. I don't want to be a poor choice, that would really suck.

A Simpleton's Object Of Attraction

Today is Thursday June Third Two Thousand Ten. Thirsty Thursday ! I'm pretty thirsty most other days and in my drinking career Thursday was no different than any other weekday although I was usually able to convince someone else to go out drinking with me. Earlier in my drinking career at least, before I needed so much more booze than everyone else and people started noticing. I was talking to my sponsor about this yesterday, when I was active I would just not talk to or ignore people that dared to speak up about my drinking. When it became super obvious that I needed to drink three to four times as much as other people I started to drink alone. I would drink before I went out so it didn't look like I was drinking differently than other people I was with. Fir years I had a flask full of hundred proof bourbon because that gave me more bang for the small amount I could comfortably carry. After a while that was too little and I started carrying fifths, liters, and finally half gallons in my backpack at all times. I can't believe that no one ever noticed that I had clinky bottles with me in my pack and that I thought this was a perfectly fine way of living. It wasn't as if I thought I wasn't a problem drinker, I just didn't have a problem with the way I was drinking and didn't think it effected other people. That has been the biggest eye opener so far in sobriety, knowing that my actions had an effect on people. In fact, thats one of the reasons why I stay sober even tho all of the reasons should be internal, I stay sober because I know I would be letting people down if I started drinking again.

Might as well get this over early in today's writing, I've got it bad with my sweet friend. I've really tried to get over her but I can't seem to. Not only is she a babe but she is smart, cool, and appears to love music and going to see music as much as I do. I've been looking for someone like this for years but never found her. She goes to shows without having an apparent drug or alcohol problem, she is girly but is tough, and she has an amazing sense of compassion in her dealings with me. I don't get the vibe that she is a fixer and her friendship with me is due to her wanting to repair something broken, she is caring without being coddling. I guess I don't give myself enough credit that she may perhaps be attracted to me but I do know that she just came off a long term relationship and I doubt she is looking to get into anything beyond a friendship at this point. I feel kinda scummy tho because her I am preaching honesty and integrity but I am not willing to tell her how I feel. I don't want to be like some lost puppy following her around and I want to prove to myself that men and women can be really close friends without being intimate. I keep telling myself that her friendship is enough for me and I can tell myself that all I want to but my feelings for her go beyond friendship.

When I was active the solution to this problem would have been simple. I would have given myself two choices. The first would be to stop talking to her and drink even more, shutting myself off from everyone and everything. I would mumble hello if I ran into her at shows and try to forget I was ever attracted to her in the first place. The second solution would be to go out and get very drunk with her in order to work up the courage to make a pass at her and perhaps numb her decision making skills enough so that she wouldn't know what she was doing. If I was rebuffed then I would just follow up with solution number one and forget anything happened. I feel that I owe it to myself and to her to try and find out if something between us can be developed and looked at. I do feel a connection beyond simple lust, she does seem to like to spend time with me and genuinely gives a shit about what I am doing. I sorta feel like I am walking on eggshells because if I try and fail I will beat myself up over taking action when action was called for. Fucked up I know but thats my nature these days, its like I am learning this stuff all over again and I am in eighth grade once more. I've thought about talking to her friends about her supposed interest in me but I'm afraid to go that route.

I need to get over myself and have to deal with this before I drive myself crazy. Does a beautiful well adjusted woman want to have a relationship with an alcoholic drug addict ? Thats the big fucking elephant in the room. Regardless of everything else I bring to the table, thats what I am. Is she willing to trust my sobriety and have the willingness to try and understand the challenges that I may have to confront. I'm trying not to use my addictions as an excuse not to take any action because that would be contrary to how I'm living my life. What I do know is that there is a smart, cool, sweet smelling woman who appears to enjoy hanging out with me. She returns my various communications promptly and suggests activities where we can interact with one another. We will be spending a long weekend together at a music festival and she appears to really be looking forward to our time together. I guess to most normal people the writing is on the wall but I am not like more normal people and confidence is not one of my strong points.

Being an alcoholic and addict does suck but it could be worse. There are many people in the program with acute mental illnesses who are dealing with a whole other host of issues beyond substance abuse. I don't hear, see, or smell things that are not there, I don't have severe mood swings one way or another, wasn't abused by anyone, was lived as a child. There is really nothing wrong other than substance abuse and perhaps a lack of self confidence. I spent so many years telling myself that I was a piece of shit who wouldn't or couldn't stop drinking and using drugs that it is sometimes difficult for me to believe that I actually have some good points and that people enjoy hanging out with me. I guess thats the biggest hurdle for me so far in my recovery, believing that this awesome woman likes to spend time with me and that I have something to give. I tell ya, if I ever date this women it would cement an already very, very strong belief that I am doing to correct thing by facing my demons and doing something about it. I apologize to anyone who just read this fucking pity party but I needed to write down what has been going thru my head since the weekend. At least I am interacting with her and will have the chance to find out what her true feelings are. If I can't decide for myself I will just have to be a big boy and ask her. Now thats an idea.