Hanging Out

Today is Monday June Fourteenth Two Thousand Ten. I had a fun but interesting weekend and I figured I would reflect on it here as thats what this blog is for. Before I write about it I just thought that I'd give thanks for everyone who has helped me thus far in my recovery and how lucky I am to have the friends and family that I do. There is no way I could have done it solo and while it was hard to ask for help I am very glad that I did. I know that all I have to do is to pick up the phone and call someone or send off an email makes me feel safe. I know that I have people out there that care about me and my recovery gives me confidence and allows me to trust people. Most importantly is allows me to trust myself and have faith in my program that will allow me to take risks in order to live a happy and fulfilled life.

So I went out with my friend (let call her ##)that I've been writing so much about. We went to the sox game and then to the beehive to see some friends of mine play. First off she looked amazing. Simply beautiful. I learned later that she normally doesn't wear makeup and while I think she is very sexy without being made up she looked even better. Thats a big change for me, previously I wasn't all that psyched for women who painted themselves but now I know if its done well it can look awesome. I have to admit that I was really fucking proud to be with her even if I knew we were not going to end up naked and sweaty. ## seemed to dig the ball game and certainly liked the beehive and the band that played. We had an awesome table there, close enough to see and hear them but not too close so that we had to yell at each other. I made her laugh and there were not any uncomfortable pauses that I can remember. It would be really easy to treat her just as eye candy because I do find her so attractive but she really has something to say and has definite opinions that she stands behind. I don't think ## gives herself enough credit for what she has above her lovely breasts but she is def bright.

After that nite I could have slept the rest of the weekend and been ok with it. Other than going to the gym and a couple of AA meetings I didn't have much on the docket. I thought about perhaps trying to talk some folks into going out to see some music but I didn't have much hope of that. I laid my head on my pillow and about an hour later my phone blew up with texts. About and hour after that a friend was going to pick me up we were going to ##'s house for dinner and some movies. Sweet I thought, an evening with two females I admire and one I am trying hard not to fall in love with. When we arrived at ##'s house there were some other folks there and while I was disappointed I was ok with it. The only problem was this drunk dude that seemed to want to harass me every fucking time we interacted. I just ignored him like I do most drunk people and he didn't like that. He took every thing I said and assumed every answer to every question was something aggressive. It was really bizarre, he even took offense at the t-shirt I was wearing. It was a K2 shirt with a mountain climber on it, how the fuck does that piss you off ? I really have never run into someone like this before in sobriety, if I was loaded I would have knocked him out. Thats what he seemed to want me to do, to antagonize me, to goad me into starting something with him. It was really fucking bizarre and while ## apologized to me for how he was acting it had nothing to do with her. Maybe active alcoholics can sense people in recovery so they go after them.

Anyway, after everyone else was either asleep or on the road ## and I talked. And talked, and talked till four thirty in the morning. It was good to get to know her better and it only serves for me to care about her more. I told her stuff I've only told a few other people outside the program and she seemed to understand. She did ask one question in particular. Same question another woman asked me and that was would I ever drink again. I don't know if my sobriety it a hindrance to her wanting to get into a relationship with me or if she was just curious. I explained to her why I couldn't drink again and I think she got it. One thing is for sure, it doesn't matter how cool or hot someone is, I won't drink to get to know them better or the please them in some way. It hurts a bit, to think that a woman won't want me or take me serious because I'm in recovery but thats how it is. I wouldn't even be having a conversation like that if I wasn't sober and I have to remember that always. I also have to remember that some people have only known me sober so they don't know what I was like when I was drinking. I explained to ## about my heroin addiction and my subsequent subutex maintenance, to lay all my cards on the table. It felt good telling her all of that, all I've been thru and it wasn't because I wanted to impress her somehow or make her feel sorry. I told her all of them so she can make an informed decision on how she feels about me, to be a man with integrity & honesty, a man with nothing to hide. It felt good.

## spoke a bit about her boyfriend of eight years. She mentioned that he did something to "shatter her universe" and how controlling he was. He spoke of how e didn't want them living together till they were married and how he would shower her with jewelry and other gifts. She had this disgusted look on her face when she was talking about him but I can see that the pain is still pretty fresh even after a couple of years. All I know is that this guy is fucking nuts to hurt someone like ## and I am pretty sure he regrets whatever it was that he did to her. Maybe I will find something dark about her personality or something but from what I see and know now, she is a gentle & caring woman who would be fun to share my life with. If I didn't enjoy her company so much I think I would be able to move on and not be as patient as I am. This is a woman not to take lightly, someone who could really be an asset in my life and she is def worth any amount of time and effort till I have the balls to tell her how I feel. My heart does a little pitter patter whenever I see a text message from her or an email, that has not stopped. I took a bit of a risk yesterday by giving her a t-shirt that I bought last fall. I didnt really get into the story of how I came to own it but she def deserves it and I know she was psyched. I feel like I'm in high school now, which I guess it a step up from the middle school feelings I had six months ago.

Point is, I am having fun with this and she makes me feel good. It would be a pity if things didn't go any further but thats life. I am going to try and act like an adult and not to let my feelings get in the way of what is starting to be a good friendship. If I tell her my feelings and she runs away laughing then I will know that it wasn't meant to be and I will move on to other things. One thing I am not going to do is to not take action and not say whats in my heart and on my mind.