Happy Day, Happy Life

Today is Wednesday June Ninth Two Thousand Ten. Lots to write about today and I am pretty muthafuckin' happy today for lots of reasons. The first is the woman in my life that I am most attracted to has magnificent breasts and since its summer they should appear more often when I am around her. I'm still too much of a pussy to tell her how I feel but I am working towards telling her something. I just don't want the festival we are going to together to be awkward so I am going to wait till at least after it happens. Who knows, perhaps it will be totally obvious to me before then but I am sure things will work out for the best and the way they should. I just need to keep in mind that not only are there multiple women that talk to me and seem interested but I actually have something to offer them. Thats the real difference now and how I deal with them is much healthier. Case in point, I sent an email Monday afternoon inviting my hopeful paramour to the baseball game on Friday. I didn't hear anything and of course the first thing that went thru my head is that somehow she found out that I am really a total jackass and doesn't want anything to do with me. So I sent her a text this morning asking her about Friday and she hadn't seen the email yet and responded right quick that indeed she would like to go to the game with me and my secret life as a jackass has not been uncovered.

I like to yap to others in AA that I try not to set myself up for failure but I don't always practice that in my daily affairs. But life is about taking sensible risks and talking to, spending time with, and entertaining a woman who I find attractive in more than one way is a sensible risk to me. Its not like she doesn't know who I am and I am gazing at her thru binocs or something like that. We communicate often, spend quality time together, and I have to concentrate when I talk to her so my gaze doesn't plunge downward like her neckline. Woman know what the fuck they are doing when they dress, well except for maybe most of the eighties. They know when they show a little boobage that hetero men like that and will appreciate the efforts on their boobies behalf. I was jawing about her to a friend of mine and he said that it sounds like we are beginning an intimate friendship, that is sharing things that occur only between us, and thats a great sign. I have been thinking for a while now that if she and I don't end up dating then she will be like a sister to me. I hope thats not creepy or anything, but I just feel a connection that goes beyond what I feel with other women.

Ok, enough scribbles about her. As you can tell I could write pages and pages about this woman. I friend I used to ingest heroin with contacted me and asked me to be his sponsor. Unlike my normal answer in all AA related activities my first answer was no but then I thought about it. I can at least be his temporary sponsor and perhaps help him find someone permanent. He did reach out to me and I wasn't there to help him out but I can't let myself be upset about it. I did write him a note on email detailing how I work my program and that anyone I sponsor should be willing to entertain my suggestions. There is also another friend of mine who lives closer to him that may be an excellent fit for me. People are ready to get sober when they are ready to get sober and I can't expect my sponsee to have the same program success as I have. Thats why I think it was good that I immediately didn't say yes and was able to think about it for a few. Being impulsive was such a part of my make up for so long it sometimes surprises me when I think things thru. What I need to remember is that he is looking to get healthy and is asking for help, sometimes people are not even able to get to that step and die and active addict.

Parents are weird. It must be strange to make a life, care for the life, watch the life grow and flourish, watch the life almost die, and then watch the life be reborn into something they can be proud of. My mom apologized to me the other day for worrying about me and I told her that if anyone was allowed to worry about me it would be her and my pop. Without fully realizing it I have put them thru so much and made them worry about my welfare. My mom once told me that many nights she would go to bed and wonder if I was still alive or if I would somehow die that eve. Thats pretty fucking creepy but its the truth. My mom may be many things but she is honest. And she doesn't even know the half of what I was up to. Mixing different drugs and alcohol, combos which should have killed me. If she knew all that then she would really worry about things. She also told me that she wants me to succeed and I think part of that in her mind is for me to get married. I didn't want to mention to her that most people need to have a girlfriend for a while before they get married and since I don't have a girlfriend at the moment I should probably focus on that. To placate her a but I told her that there is someone special and she said that she "has her fingers crossed". Great, throw some superstition at the issue.

I guess I've always liked the idea of having a girlfriend, someone to share stuff with, someone to make happy. someone to learn from but I didn't want to do the work that having a girlfriend entailed. First off is getting into shape, I def didn't want to do that, hell I didn't even want to shower those last six to eight months. I used to go four, five, and sometimes six days not showering. Since I had a beard and had long hair it wasn't obvious from a distance but get up close and you could probably smell what was going on. Maybe I thought the body odor would cover up the smell of booze in some small way. Like any other part of my life I wouldn't do my laundry unless I absolutely had to and even then I wouldn't use much soap or none at all because I didn't have any. Fucked up shit for sure. I love having clean and new clothes now, love smelling good, and love to be clean. It took some time before I wouldn't smell like ass at the end of the day, it was as if there was some smelly carry over. I remember others who sat near me at work complaining about something smelling and I would always blame my feet. Fucking nasty and this is the first time I've talked about it since I got sober. It was as if I was just totally shutting down and didn't give a shit about myself, didn't respect myself anymore.

I think thats why I am pretty vain about how I look these days. I like how I look now and look forward to looking better in the future, wearing clothes that fit, haircuts that look cool. I carefully monitor the amount of gray in my hair and you better fucking believe that I am going to dye that shit when it becomes too obvious. Distinguished my ass, gray hair makes me look old and thats fucking it. I don't want people to realize immediately upon seeing me that I am my age, I like it when people think I am much younger than I am. I don't know why I don't look older, after all I drank every day for a decade. Maybe the booze helped me somehow, I dunno. I am feeling younger, sobriety and working out help that and I feel that I am living life well these days and I appreciate every day that I have on this earth. I look forward to the day rather than dreading it like the past. Plus I get to hang out with a woman with nice boobs, now that is awesome. I hope I get a chance to show her my sincere appreciation of the gift that god gave to her.