A Simpleton's Object Of Attraction

Today is Thursday June Third Two Thousand Ten. Thirsty Thursday ! I'm pretty thirsty most other days and in my drinking career Thursday was no different than any other weekday although I was usually able to convince someone else to go out drinking with me. Earlier in my drinking career at least, before I needed so much more booze than everyone else and people started noticing. I was talking to my sponsor about this yesterday, when I was active I would just not talk to or ignore people that dared to speak up about my drinking. When it became super obvious that I needed to drink three to four times as much as other people I started to drink alone. I would drink before I went out so it didn't look like I was drinking differently than other people I was with. Fir years I had a flask full of hundred proof bourbon because that gave me more bang for the small amount I could comfortably carry. After a while that was too little and I started carrying fifths, liters, and finally half gallons in my backpack at all times. I can't believe that no one ever noticed that I had clinky bottles with me in my pack and that I thought this was a perfectly fine way of living. It wasn't as if I thought I wasn't a problem drinker, I just didn't have a problem with the way I was drinking and didn't think it effected other people. That has been the biggest eye opener so far in sobriety, knowing that my actions had an effect on people. In fact, thats one of the reasons why I stay sober even tho all of the reasons should be internal, I stay sober because I know I would be letting people down if I started drinking again.

Might as well get this over early in today's writing, I've got it bad with my sweet friend. I've really tried to get over her but I can't seem to. Not only is she a babe but she is smart, cool, and appears to love music and going to see music as much as I do. I've been looking for someone like this for years but never found her. She goes to shows without having an apparent drug or alcohol problem, she is girly but is tough, and she has an amazing sense of compassion in her dealings with me. I don't get the vibe that she is a fixer and her friendship with me is due to her wanting to repair something broken, she is caring without being coddling. I guess I don't give myself enough credit that she may perhaps be attracted to me but I do know that she just came off a long term relationship and I doubt she is looking to get into anything beyond a friendship at this point. I feel kinda scummy tho because her I am preaching honesty and integrity but I am not willing to tell her how I feel. I don't want to be like some lost puppy following her around and I want to prove to myself that men and women can be really close friends without being intimate. I keep telling myself that her friendship is enough for me and I can tell myself that all I want to but my feelings for her go beyond friendship.

When I was active the solution to this problem would have been simple. I would have given myself two choices. The first would be to stop talking to her and drink even more, shutting myself off from everyone and everything. I would mumble hello if I ran into her at shows and try to forget I was ever attracted to her in the first place. The second solution would be to go out and get very drunk with her in order to work up the courage to make a pass at her and perhaps numb her decision making skills enough so that she wouldn't know what she was doing. If I was rebuffed then I would just follow up with solution number one and forget anything happened. I feel that I owe it to myself and to her to try and find out if something between us can be developed and looked at. I do feel a connection beyond simple lust, she does seem to like to spend time with me and genuinely gives a shit about what I am doing. I sorta feel like I am walking on eggshells because if I try and fail I will beat myself up over taking action when action was called for. Fucked up I know but thats my nature these days, its like I am learning this stuff all over again and I am in eighth grade once more. I've thought about talking to her friends about her supposed interest in me but I'm afraid to go that route.

I need to get over myself and have to deal with this before I drive myself crazy. Does a beautiful well adjusted woman want to have a relationship with an alcoholic drug addict ? Thats the big fucking elephant in the room. Regardless of everything else I bring to the table, thats what I am. Is she willing to trust my sobriety and have the willingness to try and understand the challenges that I may have to confront. I'm trying not to use my addictions as an excuse not to take any action because that would be contrary to how I'm living my life. What I do know is that there is a smart, cool, sweet smelling woman who appears to enjoy hanging out with me. She returns my various communications promptly and suggests activities where we can interact with one another. We will be spending a long weekend together at a music festival and she appears to really be looking forward to our time together. I guess to most normal people the writing is on the wall but I am not like more normal people and confidence is not one of my strong points.

Being an alcoholic and addict does suck but it could be worse. There are many people in the program with acute mental illnesses who are dealing with a whole other host of issues beyond substance abuse. I don't hear, see, or smell things that are not there, I don't have severe mood swings one way or another, wasn't abused by anyone, was lived as a child. There is really nothing wrong other than substance abuse and perhaps a lack of self confidence. I spent so many years telling myself that I was a piece of shit who wouldn't or couldn't stop drinking and using drugs that it is sometimes difficult for me to believe that I actually have some good points and that people enjoy hanging out with me. I guess thats the biggest hurdle for me so far in my recovery, believing that this awesome woman likes to spend time with me and that I have something to give. I tell ya, if I ever date this women it would cement an already very, very strong belief that I am doing to correct thing by facing my demons and doing something about it. I apologize to anyone who just read this fucking pity party but I needed to write down what has been going thru my head since the weekend. At least I am interacting with her and will have the chance to find out what her true feelings are. If I can't decide for myself I will just have to be a big boy and ask her. Now thats an idea.