A Poor Choice ? I Think Not !

Today is Monday June Seventh Two Thousand Ten. I'm glad its Monday. No really, I am psyched to get this week over with and continue to next weekend. Yep, its going to be one of "those" weeks, when I can taste Friday afternoon on a Monday morning. Normally I don't like to talk about the weather but we had some hella weather yesterday. For about an hour or so it looked like a hurricane outside my living room window and a bunch of trees a few streets over were uprooted. They knocked down power lines, smashed cars & houses, and generally fucked things up. That was just two blocks away, at street there were branches and shit like that but no trees on the ground and we had power thru out the afternoon. Of course during times like this they tell you to stay away from the windows and to take cover and we were either looking out the windows or I was walking to the Tibetan place for dinner. Human nature to look at crap thats going on outside, I wonder what homeless folks do during stuff like that? Must totally suck not to have a place to call your own, a place to rest your head. Granted I've been close to homelessness myself although I could have found refuge at my mom and dad's house or at a friends but if I had lost my job at a few certain times I would have been fucked to say the least.

Plenty to report about my social life but I won't go over it in excruciating detail other to say that I am glad that I am me and glad that I'm in recovery. I think I wear sobriety well and that life is going to turn out ok for me. I may not have children of my own but I will def have someone to share my life and adventures with later on down the line. To think I was actually seriously considering killing myself as a way out, an "answer" to my problems is ridiculous and petty and does not take into consideration other people's feelings. To think that I really thought in my head that it was a good idea just shocks me. Not to say that I am capt awesome or anything like that but I do feel that I contribute to the lives of my friends and I am occasionally able to make them laugh and smile. Hopefully my friends look forward to hanging out with me as much as I do. For some reason thats super important to me, to make a difference in someone's day, a difference for the better.

So Friday nite I met an ex and her husband for drinks and conversation. It is important to note that she is from and continues to live in Madrid so its not like I run into them often. In fact, the last time I had seen her was when she left for a vacation in the Canary Islands where she met her future husband. I wanted to dislike him for nothing more than being the apple of someone's eye who was once the apple of mine. He was a really nice guy, outgoing without being annoying and a good balance for her. She seems very happy with him and they have three children together so something must be working. He does something in finance but she is able to continue working with some sort of balance in their lives. I am not sure how much B told him about our friendship, whether or not he knew that we once swapped bodily fluids but he seemed genuine and cool. B of course, looked awesome, just as awesome as she did when we hung out fifteen years ago. I was invited to their wedding but that was waaay beyond my comfort level then. I think I could probably hack it now and now I would have a date for the event so things would be different. I told B I was sober and sort of explained things to her and she was really cool about it. Not that I excepted her to shoo me away but I am pretty sure she is worried about her brother and I wanted to show her that its possible for people to be in recovery and have fun while living and getting better.

There were also a couple of other women from my college there and it was interesting to see and talk with them. To be honest it was nice to be around women my own age for once, not that there is anything wrong with the group that I am with now. It was refreshing to get their perception of me as a man in recovery who actually has something going for him. It really helped in my self confidence in dealing with the situation I find myself in now. I won't rehash what I wrote the other day but I do feel that I bring something to the table and the perhaps she may be interested in something beyond friendship. That she isn't nice to me because she feels bad or wants something from me, she honestly likes to spend time with me like I do with her. She said a couple of things to me Friday nite that were surprising in a good way so I am feeling good about how things are going between us. Either way I will be happy but I'd be lying if I said I would be super disappointed if she didn't at least harbor a few romantic feelings for me. If she doesn't, I will really need to work on my female radar skills. I know that they are super rusty at this point but that doesn't mean they shouldn't work at all. When I explain some of her actions to male friends of mine, they tell me the writing is on the wall, that she is attracted to me. But I think thats just male ego talking most of the time, I need to talk to a woman who doesn't know her and try to get some type of translation.

I've been listening to my ipoddy a bunch these days. I go thru phases with that thing, some weeks I will use it on my commute and at the gym and then it will sit for months, unloved. Anyway, PH!SH has been in rotation as I am getting ready to see them in a few weeks, actually two weeks from tomorrow down in Mansfield. Should be pretty damn fun as I am leaving work at noon and then don't have to be back till noon the next day. I am hoping to catch a ride down there early with someone from work and then crash at my friend's house close by and then taking the train in the next day. I am sure it sounds very complicated for an concert but PH!SH shows have a way of getting super complicated. Whenever you mix travel, partying, and groups of people shit gets complicated. I am also looking forward to seeing how I deal with my friends partying in general and one special friend in particular. I want her to feel comfortable with having me be sober without having to second guess everything. Thats one of the big unknowns for me beyond whether or not she wants to get funky. Would something like that work or should I focus on just sober women ? I am hoping I am able to lay chilly with what she is doing and just go with the flow. One thing I don't want to happen is to hook up just because she is wasted and making poor choices. I don't want to be a poor choice, that would really suck.