Today is Thursday December Thirty First, the last fucking day of Two Thousand Oh Nine. Other than Oh Nine, the rest of the Oh's can go fuck themselves. Was not the best decade for Mr. Todd Miller. I am going to list my good thoughts and my bad thoughts for this decade and see which one comes up the best. I dunno, my time on earth in the last ten years was pretty wretched.
Let me see, I broke my scapula, ruptured my patellar tendon, walked off my job without having another one, got a DWI, had my heart broken and burned into a small cinder, became addicted to heroin and alcohol, totaled my mom's volvo, visited a friend in federal prison, and started smoking again. Bing Bing Bing, we have a winner, but since I am an optimist I will now list the good things that happened:
Chirp...chirp...chirp...chirp....oh, the Patriots, Red Sox, and Celtics all won championships ! Woo woo, something that totally has nothing to do with me that I can latch on to ! I did enjoy watching all the winning when I was personally losing every fucking day. Fuckity fuck in a cup, thats what my life was like. Throwing up almost daily from too much heroin or too much booze or not enough heroin or not enough booze. That was sweet, so fucking glad that I decided to do that. Yay ! Lost friends, lost experiences, just lost. My glass was half empty with a major crack on the side where my life leaked out. Boo on me and fuck you too was my motto for so many years. This was the decade that my addictions turned pro, I was unable to only use on weekends or even nightly. No baby, I had to use first thing in the morning, in the middle of the night, at lunch time. Remember LA in Oh Six ? No, why not? Don't you remember that you picked up an eight ball of crystal meth and just mailed it in for a week. Didn't even want to hang with your nephews or family just the meth. The stuff dreams are crushed with. I'm glad that shit isn't around here and I don't know any 'mos who use it or I would have been addicted to that shit as well.
Ok, thats enough. Good things that happened last decade that I personally was involved in. Music, saw a shit ton of music and met a bunch of people thru it. That was good. Being the best man at my Brother's wedding, that was awesome. Going to my friend Micheal's wedding in Fresno. Awesome. The three times I got to go to Burning Man, that was epic. Making new friends and meeting new people. My nephews being born, awesome. So I guess some good shitty shit shit happened in the last decade but that bad shitty shit shit totally outweighs the good.
What was the best thing for me the entire decade of the Oh's ? On January Twentieth I checked into a detox and on the Twenty First I woke up there sober. Best decision I have ever made, much better than going to jail or killing myself. I gave myself three options that weekend and thought about them the entire time while drinking a case of beer and a bunch of my Dad's wine. Detox, Jail, or a bullet in my brain. I thought about each one, the pros and cons, the debate raged in my head. Going to detox is admitting that you don't have control over your life anymore and that you need help managing it. Who the fuck wants to turn your life over to someone else even for a second ? I sure as hell didn't but I was too much of a fucking pussy to put a bullet in my head. Jail seemed like a good idea at the time and I was trying to think of non violent ways to get locked up for a couple of years. I figured that I could find some houses were nobody was home and burn them down or something. Or maybe steal cars or break into homes, something that was certain to get me five or ten years in the clink. I'd get sober and check out of life at the same time. What a fucking dealio !
Thankfully I choose detox as my final answer. I told myself that if Barak Obama made it to his inauguration that I would seek professional help. I was just looking back at my emails from that time period to make sure that my sobriety date was what I thought it was and boy oh boy are there some fucking strange emails. You can almost see the fail occurring right in front of my eyes. I consider myself very lucky to have had the resources available and the support of my family and friends. It sorta makes me sick to my stomach when I think about those days and how dark my life was. Thank baby jebus have had the strength to work on my recovery, this has been an interesting ride so far and I am looking forward it continuing the effort. The pretty girls do help in my enjoyment of AA but I also like the brotherhood and fellowship I feel with the other dudes.
So in summary, all of the years in the "Oh's" sucked total ass except for Oh Nine.
20091230
NYE Plans, Weight, & Bye Bye Ciggys !
Today is Wednesday December Thirtieth Two Thousand Oh Nine. I just got an email from a guy from the Los Sugar Kings and wouldn't you know it if I head down there a few hours early I can help them carry their shit in and get a roadie pass. I think thats awesome, not only do I get to help some friends out but I don't have to pay for the show. I love it when music thanks my wallet and I am always psyched to help folks out even if I didn't get anything for it. I am not going to lie and say I don't like getting shit for free, I mean who doesn't but when I help a band out I feel somehow a little closer to the music. I am going to answer him back and offer whatever services I can render and if all it is just hanging out talking with them then thats fine with me. I go pretty far back with the bass player I used to talk with him at aftershow parties in Salem with his old band Michigan Blacksnake. My friend Greg was the lead singer and guitar player from them and is a really good guy. They are the sort of folks who get really psyched up when people come out and see them. Thats how things ought to be.
So I weighed myself this morning and I was pleased to see that I have lost fifteen pounds after a month of working out. I am quite satisfied with that rate, if I can lost fifteen pounds a month for the next few months I will be down to my fighting weight. My first goal is two hundred pounds and the next one is one eighty or so. When I was skiing for CSC I got down to about one eighty eight and could run for forty five minutes without getting winded. I sure as hell wouldn't know it during the races though, I have never felt that out of shape before or since. I bought a pair of size thirty six straight leg jeans which are normal fit. I could barley get them over my ass when they arrived ten days ago and I am looking forward to them fitting well and then loosely at some point. I realize that doing this is sort of xx chromosome behavior but what the hell, whatever works. I ordered some spiffy adidas shorts to work out in and they fit pretty well at the moment. I think that I must have a fairly high natural metabolism considering how much fat and sugar I used to eat on any given day. If I ate what I did and had a really slow metabolism I think I would have been really obese. I really like the various Special K offerings and a couple of bowls of them with 1 percent milk is somewhere in the 400 calorie range and I can live with that.
Some dude read my blog and left a comment, I feel so blessed because it was the entry about my mouthwash habit and being hooked on heroin. I think he was a little horrified to say the least but I am just being honest on here, sharing with people the way my life was before. I was willing to put just about anything in my body to get thru the day and it is important for me to remember that. Its just so much better for me to be sober, my life is much easier to deal with. Sure I have regrets and wish I could have done things differently but there isn't much I can do about it now. I need to move forward and enjoy each day as much as I am able. I was thinking about what would make me relapse and I think that it wouldn't be much of anything. Just one day I would give up and decide to drink some vodka and that would be that. Whats keeping me from doing that is the belief that I wouldn't try to get sober again, that I would just give up and drink myself to death. I don't think I could go thru this again and it would be such a major let down to erase all of the progress I have made over the past year. Sometime this summer I decided that I like being sober and that was just fine with me.
I am one of those alcoholics that doesn't mind when people drink around me or going to bars and clubs to see music. What I don't really like is going to house parties or hanging out in pubs when the number one function is drinking. I suppose I could deal with it for a few hours but not a all night sort of deal. I also wonder when I meet a xx chromosome who is into me and me into her if she will be able to deal with me not just hanging out and drinking. I am not really worried about it and I know I will find someone who can deal but I am just curious. I am pretty lonely from a relationship perspective and like any other human bean I want someone to be intimate with and to wake up to. For so long feeding my head was enough for me and I ignored feeding my heart. My heart is hungry and growing bigger by the day.
I am quitting smoking today. I have eleven or twelve ciggys left and thats it. As I have said before I love smoking and will miss it dearly but enough is enough. I think that the nicotine candy will be awesome even if it doesn't taste all that good the important thing is that I am not taking smoke into my lungs anymore. Here I am not drinking and doing drugs every day but I am inhaling toxic smoke twenty to twenty five times a day. I can't wait to see myself this time next year with another year of sobriety under my belt, no smoking for a year, and a year in the gym. Its going to be interesting to look over these blog entries and see what I was thinking about at certain times a year. This blog is really just for me but I am sharing it with anyone who cares enough to read it. If I can influence just one person then I would be very happy.
So I weighed myself this morning and I was pleased to see that I have lost fifteen pounds after a month of working out. I am quite satisfied with that rate, if I can lost fifteen pounds a month for the next few months I will be down to my fighting weight. My first goal is two hundred pounds and the next one is one eighty or so. When I was skiing for CSC I got down to about one eighty eight and could run for forty five minutes without getting winded. I sure as hell wouldn't know it during the races though, I have never felt that out of shape before or since. I bought a pair of size thirty six straight leg jeans which are normal fit. I could barley get them over my ass when they arrived ten days ago and I am looking forward to them fitting well and then loosely at some point. I realize that doing this is sort of xx chromosome behavior but what the hell, whatever works. I ordered some spiffy adidas shorts to work out in and they fit pretty well at the moment. I think that I must have a fairly high natural metabolism considering how much fat and sugar I used to eat on any given day. If I ate what I did and had a really slow metabolism I think I would have been really obese. I really like the various Special K offerings and a couple of bowls of them with 1 percent milk is somewhere in the 400 calorie range and I can live with that.
Some dude read my blog and left a comment, I feel so blessed because it was the entry about my mouthwash habit and being hooked on heroin. I think he was a little horrified to say the least but I am just being honest on here, sharing with people the way my life was before. I was willing to put just about anything in my body to get thru the day and it is important for me to remember that. Its just so much better for me to be sober, my life is much easier to deal with. Sure I have regrets and wish I could have done things differently but there isn't much I can do about it now. I need to move forward and enjoy each day as much as I am able. I was thinking about what would make me relapse and I think that it wouldn't be much of anything. Just one day I would give up and decide to drink some vodka and that would be that. Whats keeping me from doing that is the belief that I wouldn't try to get sober again, that I would just give up and drink myself to death. I don't think I could go thru this again and it would be such a major let down to erase all of the progress I have made over the past year. Sometime this summer I decided that I like being sober and that was just fine with me.
I am one of those alcoholics that doesn't mind when people drink around me or going to bars and clubs to see music. What I don't really like is going to house parties or hanging out in pubs when the number one function is drinking. I suppose I could deal with it for a few hours but not a all night sort of deal. I also wonder when I meet a xx chromosome who is into me and me into her if she will be able to deal with me not just hanging out and drinking. I am not really worried about it and I know I will find someone who can deal but I am just curious. I am pretty lonely from a relationship perspective and like any other human bean I want someone to be intimate with and to wake up to. For so long feeding my head was enough for me and I ignored feeding my heart. My heart is hungry and growing bigger by the day.
I am quitting smoking today. I have eleven or twelve ciggys left and thats it. As I have said before I love smoking and will miss it dearly but enough is enough. I think that the nicotine candy will be awesome even if it doesn't taste all that good the important thing is that I am not taking smoke into my lungs anymore. Here I am not drinking and doing drugs every day but I am inhaling toxic smoke twenty to twenty five times a day. I can't wait to see myself this time next year with another year of sobriety under my belt, no smoking for a year, and a year in the gym. Its going to be interesting to look over these blog entries and see what I was thinking about at certain times a year. This blog is really just for me but I am sharing it with anyone who cares enough to read it. If I can influence just one person then I would be very happy.
20091229
"Portnoy's Complaint", Quitting Smoking, & NYE
Today is Tuesday December Twenty Ninth Two Thousand Oh Nine. I am in the middle of reading "Portnoy's Complaint" by Phillip Roth and it is one of the most hilarious books I have ever read. It was a recommendation by my friend Dave and while he struk out with Thomas Pynchon he hit a home run with this one. He said that it was laugh out loud funny and that is a true observation. Its about a jewish sex addict who is telling his life story to his doctor and while its mostly a soliloquy there are flashbacks of his childhood. This will be the last paper book I read before I go over to the dark side and start using my kindle and I am glad its a great book. Considering how many crappy books I read its cool to be reading a good'in.
Stopping smoking is almost a reality, I have 1 3/4 packs of Marbys left to smoke. I was at Walmart in Rockland the other day and stocked up on some nicotine candy because it was on sale. I have two hundred fifteen pieces of nicotine goodness and I will most certainly figure out some way to slowly taper of them. The lozenges last much longer than the gum so I reckon I won't have to use as many in a day that I would the gum. I had the choice between cherry and mint flavor and after must deliberation I went with the minty. They still taste ghastly but I don't think having my breath smelling like a ten year old girl is the way I want to go. I am pretty psyched actually because I know that I will see results in the gym within a couple of weeks.
Speaking of the gym, after much internal deliberation I have arrived at a schedule that will allow me to work out five days a week rather than the four days I am currently doing. I will do my single routine and cardio workout on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays followed by both routines and cardio on Saturdays and Sundays. I have been riding the deathcycle for a month now and doing the routines and death cycle for three weeks so I think its time to turn things up a bit. I think that I have started slowly enough to give my body a change to wake up after fifteen years of dormancy and its time. Today I rode the death cycle for twenty five minutes and instead of keeping the rpms at eighty six I slowed it down to seventy five and my heart rate was a steady one hundred thirty. I was able to complete the twenty five minutes without thinking I am going to die, I was still dripping sweat, and my heart rate was right where it should be. I have been really concentrating on my form with the machines and I am hoping that I am doing it correctly.
I am trying to come up with something interesting to do for New Years Eve this year. This is not the first NYE that I have spent sober but it is the first one with any length of sobriety. The Los Sugar Kings are playing from 7:30-9:00 and Chris Brokaw's twelve string guitar quartet go on at 9:30 so I should be able to catch both shows if I decide to go out and about. The only thing is I need one of those first nite buttons for eighteen bucks in order to check out the music. I sent an email to Michael from the LSKs hinting that perhaps maybe he could get me in the door without having to purchase a button but I guess I wasn't obvious enough. My sponsor invited me to a sober NYE party over in Roslindale but I don't think I want to hang out in Rozzie all night. Maybe I will check out the tunes and then head over there for a few, I just need to figure out how the hell I am going to get back to the Amsden. I am hoping that a certain xx chromosome will take pity on me and send along an invite to whatever she is doing but I am not counting on that. I have not really made any play for her and won't till I get to know her better. She is just so damn pretty and perky and its tough to just chill out about the whole subject.
Stopping smoking is almost a reality, I have 1 3/4 packs of Marbys left to smoke. I was at Walmart in Rockland the other day and stocked up on some nicotine candy because it was on sale. I have two hundred fifteen pieces of nicotine goodness and I will most certainly figure out some way to slowly taper of them. The lozenges last much longer than the gum so I reckon I won't have to use as many in a day that I would the gum. I had the choice between cherry and mint flavor and after must deliberation I went with the minty. They still taste ghastly but I don't think having my breath smelling like a ten year old girl is the way I want to go. I am pretty psyched actually because I know that I will see results in the gym within a couple of weeks.
Speaking of the gym, after much internal deliberation I have arrived at a schedule that will allow me to work out five days a week rather than the four days I am currently doing. I will do my single routine and cardio workout on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays followed by both routines and cardio on Saturdays and Sundays. I have been riding the deathcycle for a month now and doing the routines and death cycle for three weeks so I think its time to turn things up a bit. I think that I have started slowly enough to give my body a change to wake up after fifteen years of dormancy and its time. Today I rode the death cycle for twenty five minutes and instead of keeping the rpms at eighty six I slowed it down to seventy five and my heart rate was a steady one hundred thirty. I was able to complete the twenty five minutes without thinking I am going to die, I was still dripping sweat, and my heart rate was right where it should be. I have been really concentrating on my form with the machines and I am hoping that I am doing it correctly.
I am trying to come up with something interesting to do for New Years Eve this year. This is not the first NYE that I have spent sober but it is the first one with any length of sobriety. The Los Sugar Kings are playing from 7:30-9:00 and Chris Brokaw's twelve string guitar quartet go on at 9:30 so I should be able to catch both shows if I decide to go out and about. The only thing is I need one of those first nite buttons for eighteen bucks in order to check out the music. I sent an email to Michael from the LSKs hinting that perhaps maybe he could get me in the door without having to purchase a button but I guess I wasn't obvious enough. My sponsor invited me to a sober NYE party over in Roslindale but I don't think I want to hang out in Rozzie all night. Maybe I will check out the tunes and then head over there for a few, I just need to figure out how the hell I am going to get back to the Amsden. I am hoping that a certain xx chromosome will take pity on me and send along an invite to whatever she is doing but I am not counting on that. I have not really made any play for her and won't till I get to know her better. She is just so damn pretty and perky and its tough to just chill out about the whole subject.
20091228
"Oh", Tattoos, & Mr. Passive Agressive Boy
Today is Monday December Twenty Eighth Two Thousand Oh Nine. Tick tock goes the clock to Two Thousand Ten, no more of the "Oh" business. The end of this year is bittersweet in my mind because the first three weeks were the worst of my life but the last eleven months have been some of the best. I have grown so much as a man and I never thought that life could be this way. I never thought that I would like sobriety, I never thought much I guess. I have met a bunch of cool people and have become friends with some folks who have never seen me hammered. Never thought that would happen.
I am getting a tattoo to mark my first year of sobriety. It may be a cliche but this is the first time that I have done something in my life that warrants marking up my body for. I am getting the words...wait for it...you know what its going to be...I am getting the words "Grateful Not Dead" on my right shoulder in some sort of spiffy black type. Underneath the words I am going to get a star or a flying eyeball with a "1" in the middle. From then on my plan is to get another star or flying eyeball at five years, ten years, fifteen year, etc, etc. That way I don't have forty stars all across my back. Sounds sorta corny I guess but this is the single most important event in my life other than my own birth and I want to memorialize it. I am proud of my sobriety and I don't give a shit that people know about it. If you have not been a raging drunkard and opiate fiend then its really hard for you to know where I am coming from. Trust me, its really fucking important to me. I just have to figure out who I am going to get to write this simple phrase and icon on my back. I plan to check out a few studios and I am NOT going with the cheapest dude or dudette I find.
Only got paid for one week of work last week rather than the two I am owed. This occurred because I only filled out half my timesheet. Now I realize that this is totally my fault but it amazes me that Mr. Passive Aggressive Boy didn't say anything about it. Believe me if I had written any extra hours or didn't note when I left early or arrived late MPAB would def have caught it. Its really too bad that some people just suck and think only of themselves. I get used to people caring about your welfare in AA and I look for it in normal life but it just ain't going to happen.
Maine was relaxing although I did work out both Saturday and Sunday at my mom's health club. I did every exercise in both routines for some reason and it felt really good. The cardio still sucks and I don't know when I will ever enjoy riding to nowhere on the death cycle. I have seen the benefits from the past few weeks so I plan to continue this insanity. Have not lost a ton of weight yet but it is still early and I have cheated on my diet a few times. At least its been a few bowls of ice cream and a steak and cheese sub not a dozen candy bars and five donuts.
I am getting a tattoo to mark my first year of sobriety. It may be a cliche but this is the first time that I have done something in my life that warrants marking up my body for. I am getting the words...wait for it...you know what its going to be...I am getting the words "Grateful Not Dead" on my right shoulder in some sort of spiffy black type. Underneath the words I am going to get a star or a flying eyeball with a "1" in the middle. From then on my plan is to get another star or flying eyeball at five years, ten years, fifteen year, etc, etc. That way I don't have forty stars all across my back. Sounds sorta corny I guess but this is the single most important event in my life other than my own birth and I want to memorialize it. I am proud of my sobriety and I don't give a shit that people know about it. If you have not been a raging drunkard and opiate fiend then its really hard for you to know where I am coming from. Trust me, its really fucking important to me. I just have to figure out who I am going to get to write this simple phrase and icon on my back. I plan to check out a few studios and I am NOT going with the cheapest dude or dudette I find.
Only got paid for one week of work last week rather than the two I am owed. This occurred because I only filled out half my timesheet. Now I realize that this is totally my fault but it amazes me that Mr. Passive Aggressive Boy didn't say anything about it. Believe me if I had written any extra hours or didn't note when I left early or arrived late MPAB would def have caught it. Its really too bad that some people just suck and think only of themselves. I get used to people caring about your welfare in AA and I look for it in normal life but it just ain't going to happen.
Maine was relaxing although I did work out both Saturday and Sunday at my mom's health club. I did every exercise in both routines for some reason and it felt really good. The cardio still sucks and I don't know when I will ever enjoy riding to nowhere on the death cycle. I have seen the benefits from the past few weeks so I plan to continue this insanity. Have not lost a ton of weight yet but it is still early and I have cheated on my diet a few times. At least its been a few bowls of ice cream and a steak and cheese sub not a dozen candy bars and five donuts.
20091226
Xmas Puddin', Rockland AA, & Setting Up a Wii
Today is Saturday December Twenty Sixth Two Thousand Oh Nine. Xmas dinner turned out to be enjoyable considering it was a ninety minute drive down to Freeport to my folks friends house. No roast beef of course but I can't have everything and I am thankful that I had somewhere to go for xmas dinner as there are many people who don't. The meal was unremarkable but filling and the desert was xmas puddin'. Normally I hate any sort of english puddin' where is be be xmas or plum but I have to admit it was pretty dam tasty. I passed on the hard sauce because it was mostly booze but the puddin' its self was very good. I don't know why I like it now and a little does go a long way but I did enjoy it. After dinner we played some games which normally I hate because they would get in the way of serious drinking but I enjoyed them as well.
There were three young chiquitas there to liven up the evening for me but none of them were worth stalking. Not that they were not cute for the most part but I guess I don't cast a lecherous eye towards women in their late teens and twenties anymore. Maybe it would have been different if we were at the beach or something but I just wasn't interested. Not that any of them were either but it was fun to watch them talk about sororities and college like it meant something more to them than getting wasted and laid. One of them did have the most annoying voice of any woman I have every heard on the planet and my heart goes out to the dude that ends up marrying her. Perhaps he will have an annoying voice as well and they will be like two plums in a xmas puddin'.
I enjoy my time up in Maine because I can pretty much do what I want to even if it includes shutting the door to the guest room and typing this blog. I went to the noon time AA meeting, Brown Bag which I attended when I was up here during Thanksgiving. They are a cool bunch of drunks with awesome accents and like most people in the program they are very caring. Last time I went there were a few folks that had relapsed and they told their stories but this time everyone seemed a little more focused at being present and enjoying the day. Thats a big part of sobriety for me it being present and enjoying the life that I lead. For so many years I just checked out and got wasted all day and then napped and then woke up and got wasted again. I feel like I not only got wasted everyday but I wasted everyday for many years. Its sweet to be able to exist thru the day without having the physical and emotional need to get drunk. That makes me happy.
Mumsie keeps pestering me about setting up her Wii system so I am going to go deal with that. I am hoping that it doesn't involve more than plugging in a few RCA cables and making sure the idiot box is set to the correct input. After that I am going to let her deal with setting up the system because she is afraid of all technology and she needs to get over it. So I am off, this is a short blog entry because there isn't a whole lot that I am thinking about at the moment and I don't feel like dredging up old war stories with the shame and resentments that come along with them. Oh, I went to Maine Sport and bought a Patagonia belt, a Mountain Hardware wind stopper hat, and some sweet North Face pants and the combo makes me feel like a walking ad for REI or something. I am glad I got another belt however, I only have one at the moment. See hoe exciting my life is ?
There were three young chiquitas there to liven up the evening for me but none of them were worth stalking. Not that they were not cute for the most part but I guess I don't cast a lecherous eye towards women in their late teens and twenties anymore. Maybe it would have been different if we were at the beach or something but I just wasn't interested. Not that any of them were either but it was fun to watch them talk about sororities and college like it meant something more to them than getting wasted and laid. One of them did have the most annoying voice of any woman I have every heard on the planet and my heart goes out to the dude that ends up marrying her. Perhaps he will have an annoying voice as well and they will be like two plums in a xmas puddin'.
I enjoy my time up in Maine because I can pretty much do what I want to even if it includes shutting the door to the guest room and typing this blog. I went to the noon time AA meeting, Brown Bag which I attended when I was up here during Thanksgiving. They are a cool bunch of drunks with awesome accents and like most people in the program they are very caring. Last time I went there were a few folks that had relapsed and they told their stories but this time everyone seemed a little more focused at being present and enjoying the day. Thats a big part of sobriety for me it being present and enjoying the life that I lead. For so many years I just checked out and got wasted all day and then napped and then woke up and got wasted again. I feel like I not only got wasted everyday but I wasted everyday for many years. Its sweet to be able to exist thru the day without having the physical and emotional need to get drunk. That makes me happy.
Mumsie keeps pestering me about setting up her Wii system so I am going to go deal with that. I am hoping that it doesn't involve more than plugging in a few RCA cables and making sure the idiot box is set to the correct input. After that I am going to let her deal with setting up the system because she is afraid of all technology and she needs to get over it. So I am off, this is a short blog entry because there isn't a whole lot that I am thinking about at the moment and I don't feel like dredging up old war stories with the shame and resentments that come along with them. Oh, I went to Maine Sport and bought a Patagonia belt, a Mountain Hardware wind stopper hat, and some sweet North Face pants and the combo makes me feel like a walking ad for REI or something. I am glad I got another belt however, I only have one at the moment. See hoe exciting my life is ?
20091225
Xmas, My Camera, Brittany Murphy, & Amazon Kindle
Today is Friday December Twenty Fifth Two Thousand Oh Nine. Happy Xmas ! I went for a walk this morning with the parental units and it was invigorating. We hiked to the top of a small mountain that overlooks the seacoast of Maine and it was very pretty at eight in the morning. Its cool to be able to wake up and be present and involve myself in life once again. We are going to do the gift exchange thing and then are leaving to Freeport to have dinner with some friends of my folks. Should be interesting and while I am not psyched they are serving Turkey I suppose its better for me than the usual Christmas roast. I love roast beef tho and I will need to make up for it sometime next week. I think a visit to a local steakhouse ought to do the trick.
My fucking camera that I just bought in October broke at some point in the past few weeks. I don't get any image from the back of the thing and every picture it takes is all black. At least for once I bought it at Best Buy so hopefully getting an exchange won't be too much of a hassle. I can hope any ways but I was very much hoping to take some pics of the holiday because thats what a fucking camera is for. Grrr.
Brittany Murphy died this week, no reports as to the cause but what a bummer. While she wasn't the most famous actress in Hollywood she was in a few cult film hits and also played Marshall Mather's love interest in the movie 8 Mile. She was a cute but edgy chick and what a bummer it must be for her friends and family. I have no doubt that dirty laundry about her life will come out in the media and that sucks as well. I mean she is no longer living and exposing her past life just isn't cool.
I got a Amazon Kindle of xmas today and I am totally psyched. I read roughly three books a week and I have had my eye on the Kindle for some time now. It the smaller and less fancy one and that is perfectly fine with me as all I need it for it to download and read. I also got a fancy leather case for protection and its pretty stylie too boot. I think that I will get much use out of this gadget and its awesome that my folks gave it to me. The thirty bucks at amazon.com is pretty cool as well.
Times are a changing in the Miller household. My pop gave mumsie a Nofriendo Wii with a balance board for xmas. Mumise gave pops a Porsche Boxter for his seventieth birthday and I am pretty certain that he got the better deal. I of course made mention that when it comes time to pass along this convertible that it shouldn't go to my brother. Maybe a crass thing to say but it was a joke because my mum gave my brother her Fiat convertible when he graduated from Harvard and moved to California. He still has it and has kept up with the maintenance which is an impressive feat considering that its a thirty year old Italian sports car. Maintaining cars was never my strong suit because previously I would spend all my dough on drugs and alcohol. That will not happen again, I can promise you that.
My fucking camera that I just bought in October broke at some point in the past few weeks. I don't get any image from the back of the thing and every picture it takes is all black. At least for once I bought it at Best Buy so hopefully getting an exchange won't be too much of a hassle. I can hope any ways but I was very much hoping to take some pics of the holiday because thats what a fucking camera is for. Grrr.
Brittany Murphy died this week, no reports as to the cause but what a bummer. While she wasn't the most famous actress in Hollywood she was in a few cult film hits and also played Marshall Mather's love interest in the movie 8 Mile. She was a cute but edgy chick and what a bummer it must be for her friends and family. I have no doubt that dirty laundry about her life will come out in the media and that sucks as well. I mean she is no longer living and exposing her past life just isn't cool.
I got a Amazon Kindle of xmas today and I am totally psyched. I read roughly three books a week and I have had my eye on the Kindle for some time now. It the smaller and less fancy one and that is perfectly fine with me as all I need it for it to download and read. I also got a fancy leather case for protection and its pretty stylie too boot. I think that I will get much use out of this gadget and its awesome that my folks gave it to me. The thirty bucks at amazon.com is pretty cool as well.
Times are a changing in the Miller household. My pop gave mumsie a Nofriendo Wii with a balance board for xmas. Mumise gave pops a Porsche Boxter for his seventieth birthday and I am pretty certain that he got the better deal. I of course made mention that when it comes time to pass along this convertible that it shouldn't go to my brother. Maybe a crass thing to say but it was a joke because my mum gave my brother her Fiat convertible when he graduated from Harvard and moved to California. He still has it and has kept up with the maintenance which is an impressive feat considering that its a thirty year old Italian sports car. Maintaining cars was never my strong suit because previously I would spend all my dough on drugs and alcohol. That will not happen again, I can promise you that.
20091224
Last Christmas, Mouthwash, & My License
Today is Thursday December Twenty Fourth Two Thousand Oh Nine. Christmas Eve. I am hoping to put forward a better performance this xmas than I did last year. Last year my dope ran out on xmas morning and I had to substitute booze for it. Bad idea. There is nothing more wretched than someone withdrawing from heroin and drinking like a fish. I would drink enough to pass out, get up drink enough to pass out, get up drink enough well you get the idea. It was poor and one of the first time my perental units sensed there was something seriously wrong with me. After doing a very similar performance after burning man the previous summer my brother called me and was like what the fuck dude ? Can't say I disagree with him on that one, I got high and drank every day like it was my job and well, for a few years there anyway it was.
I keep waiting for someone to ask me how I ended up being physically addicted to alcohol. Its easy to explain away being addicted to heroin because it doesn't take all that long for you to be physically addicted to the shit. Alcohol in my experience takes quite a bit longer and much more effort. The main thing for me was waking up shaking not unlike what happens with a bad hangover. Add throwing up to that shaking and when everything goes away after an hour of drinking thats pretty much the whole story. I started drinking in the morning somewhere around 2006 and was really only needed to drink in the morning the last year. What a year that was, I focused my life around getting heroin and drinking. Didn't have time for anything else and really didn't want to. My only thoughts were how I was going to make it thru the day after my first few cocktails at six in the morning.
Ecch. Bad memories there but they are memories I need to keep in the forefront of my mind so that I never forget where I once was in life. I started drinking mouthwash because one sunday I woke up and needed some booze to calm my hands. I spied my roommates mouth wash, poured some in a glass and drank it. In the beginning it was super hard to drink but it goes easier and boy oh boy does it get you hammered. It was that reason and the fact that I could steal it from CVS that I drank mouthwash pretty consistently for the last three months of my active addiction. My pee smelled weird and I could smell the chemicals ooze thru my skin. It was not pleasant and I was a complete mess towards the end of my drinking. Turns out that thanks to AA I am not the only person in the world that drank mouthwash but I am pretty certain that as far as consistency and length of drinking I am a winner. Oh, and I preferred the yellow kind, the basic Listerine. It has the most booze in it. I don't use mouthwash anymore and I would rather have every one of my fucking teeth fall out before I had that crap in my mouth. I would break my streak of not vomiting for sure, I have not puked since I got sober and I continue that trend.
Ok, enough about that its almost Christmas after all. I am going to my folks place in Maine for the weekend and I am leaving work early to catch the bus up there. I don't have a license yet because I lost it for getting a DWI on xmas a few years ago when I blew a .27. I told myself I would not get another license till I had a year of sobriety so thats a goal for me after January. I figured that since I was still going to be drunk all the time that it didn't make sense to get a lisc that I would certainly lose again, this time for a long time. It may sound nuts but it worked for me and I really don't want to go to jail again. That sucked and I will write about my experience in the Portland, ME jail sometime soon but thats about all I have for now.
I keep waiting for someone to ask me how I ended up being physically addicted to alcohol. Its easy to explain away being addicted to heroin because it doesn't take all that long for you to be physically addicted to the shit. Alcohol in my experience takes quite a bit longer and much more effort. The main thing for me was waking up shaking not unlike what happens with a bad hangover. Add throwing up to that shaking and when everything goes away after an hour of drinking thats pretty much the whole story. I started drinking in the morning somewhere around 2006 and was really only needed to drink in the morning the last year. What a year that was, I focused my life around getting heroin and drinking. Didn't have time for anything else and really didn't want to. My only thoughts were how I was going to make it thru the day after my first few cocktails at six in the morning.
Ecch. Bad memories there but they are memories I need to keep in the forefront of my mind so that I never forget where I once was in life. I started drinking mouthwash because one sunday I woke up and needed some booze to calm my hands. I spied my roommates mouth wash, poured some in a glass and drank it. In the beginning it was super hard to drink but it goes easier and boy oh boy does it get you hammered. It was that reason and the fact that I could steal it from CVS that I drank mouthwash pretty consistently for the last three months of my active addiction. My pee smelled weird and I could smell the chemicals ooze thru my skin. It was not pleasant and I was a complete mess towards the end of my drinking. Turns out that thanks to AA I am not the only person in the world that drank mouthwash but I am pretty certain that as far as consistency and length of drinking I am a winner. Oh, and I preferred the yellow kind, the basic Listerine. It has the most booze in it. I don't use mouthwash anymore and I would rather have every one of my fucking teeth fall out before I had that crap in my mouth. I would break my streak of not vomiting for sure, I have not puked since I got sober and I continue that trend.
Ok, enough about that its almost Christmas after all. I am going to my folks place in Maine for the weekend and I am leaving work early to catch the bus up there. I don't have a license yet because I lost it for getting a DWI on xmas a few years ago when I blew a .27. I told myself I would not get another license till I had a year of sobriety so thats a goal for me after January. I figured that since I was still going to be drunk all the time that it didn't make sense to get a lisc that I would certainly lose again, this time for a long time. It may sound nuts but it worked for me and I really don't want to go to jail again. That sucked and I will write about my experience in the Portland, ME jail sometime soon but thats about all I have for now.
20091223
Health Care Bill, Senior Senator John Kerry, & My Sponsor
Today is Wednesday December Twenty Third Two Thousand Oh Nine. The Health Care bill has been a big news story for the last few weeks and it looks like Congress may pass it in the next day or two. I won't pretend to understand everything in the bill and I think it would take an expert to do so but I do know that it is a step in the right direction. Did either side get what they wanted ? Of course not, that would never happen in Washington. I don't understand why people get all awtwitter when things don't go exactly as they thought they would. This is Washington; a symbol of everything that is wrong and everything that is right with the United States Of America. Its a mixture of diplomacy and politics with two sides having to agree on the same thing. I agree with universal health care for two reasons. The first is that it is the right thing to do and I am a compassionate person. I have been very fortunate growing up and living with health care insurance for almost my entire life and it would really suck if I was to get sick and couldn't afford to go to the hospital. The second reason is that it has been my experience that stuff in generally cheaper when you pay up front rather than waiting for the bill to come. Uninsured people are going to sap the government for their treatment anyway so why not pay now rather than later. I am a realist who believes in welfare but also welfare reform
So because of all this hoopla surrounding the health care bill the senior senator from Massachusetts, John Kerry came to Children's Hospital Boston yesterday to talk about it. Word is that he traveled up from Washington to speak at CHB and then was due to return soon after. If that is true then I think thats pretty awesome. He walked about three feet from me on his way to the podium. He is pretty tall, good looking in an old man way, and a eloquent speaker. He read from a prepared speech praising us Massholes for seeing the value in our MassHealth program and how we were leading the nation and all sorts of ya ya sorta stuff. It was a good speech and it was very interesting to see him speak live. He is probably the most nationally famous person to walk three feet from me and I am glad that I blew off work for forty five minutes to check it out. One thing I am going to miss about CHB is how visible the hospital is in the public eye. I feel proud to work for CHB and its really a pity that my manager is so passive aggressive and can't manage staff worth a bean.
I have been blessed throughout this recovery period with a great sponsor and his name is Ed. He isn't the guy I would want to call if I had a drink in my hand and needed someone to talk me down but he is excellent at other parts of sponsorship. He is very pro AA without being a clone and he genuinely cares about me and my sobriety. I first met Ed at the Joy Of Living meeting where he was the speaker. After the meeting he came up to me and offered a meeting booklet with all of the meetings that he attended notated. I stalked Ed for a week or so and then asked him to be my sponsor. After a rough start which was as much my doing as it was his I now look forward to hanging out with him whenever we get the chance. He knows more about me and whats going on in my life than any other person on the planet and I hope that he is able to learn from me. He says he does and I believe him. Ed's sobriety is very strong because he came from a very, very dark place before he got sober and he knows that he will return there quickly if he is active again. His whole social scene is based on AA meetings and friends because that is what keeps him sober and he knows that.
I kinda went overboard getting Ed some gifts for the holiday but I didn't exceed my budget of twenty five bucks. I just know that money is tight for him right now and I wanted to show him in a materialistic way how much his sponsorship means to me. Ed is like a combination friend, big brother, and teacher and I think that he and I relate well to each other. I picked up a sketch book, a 2010 Lunar Calendar, and this cool "Space Pen". Not sure what makes a pen a space pen but the packaging claimed that it came with a story. According to the interweb this pen can write in space due to pressurized nitrogen in the inky part. Damn, I was hoping that it went to space or something but the fact you can write with it upside down is pretty cool in its self. I was going to pick up some markers and drawing pens but I don't know which ones he uses and I am sure that graphics folks are pretty picky about such things. Anyway, I look forward to giving him the gifts tonight and thats the best part of giving, other than the shopping of course !
So because of all this hoopla surrounding the health care bill the senior senator from Massachusetts, John Kerry came to Children's Hospital Boston yesterday to talk about it. Word is that he traveled up from Washington to speak at CHB and then was due to return soon after. If that is true then I think thats pretty awesome. He walked about three feet from me on his way to the podium. He is pretty tall, good looking in an old man way, and a eloquent speaker. He read from a prepared speech praising us Massholes for seeing the value in our MassHealth program and how we were leading the nation and all sorts of ya ya sorta stuff. It was a good speech and it was very interesting to see him speak live. He is probably the most nationally famous person to walk three feet from me and I am glad that I blew off work for forty five minutes to check it out. One thing I am going to miss about CHB is how visible the hospital is in the public eye. I feel proud to work for CHB and its really a pity that my manager is so passive aggressive and can't manage staff worth a bean.
I have been blessed throughout this recovery period with a great sponsor and his name is Ed. He isn't the guy I would want to call if I had a drink in my hand and needed someone to talk me down but he is excellent at other parts of sponsorship. He is very pro AA without being a clone and he genuinely cares about me and my sobriety. I first met Ed at the Joy Of Living meeting where he was the speaker. After the meeting he came up to me and offered a meeting booklet with all of the meetings that he attended notated. I stalked Ed for a week or so and then asked him to be my sponsor. After a rough start which was as much my doing as it was his I now look forward to hanging out with him whenever we get the chance. He knows more about me and whats going on in my life than any other person on the planet and I hope that he is able to learn from me. He says he does and I believe him. Ed's sobriety is very strong because he came from a very, very dark place before he got sober and he knows that he will return there quickly if he is active again. His whole social scene is based on AA meetings and friends because that is what keeps him sober and he knows that.
I kinda went overboard getting Ed some gifts for the holiday but I didn't exceed my budget of twenty five bucks. I just know that money is tight for him right now and I wanted to show him in a materialistic way how much his sponsorship means to me. Ed is like a combination friend, big brother, and teacher and I think that he and I relate well to each other. I picked up a sketch book, a 2010 Lunar Calendar, and this cool "Space Pen". Not sure what makes a pen a space pen but the packaging claimed that it came with a story. According to the interweb this pen can write in space due to pressurized nitrogen in the inky part. Damn, I was hoping that it went to space or something but the fact you can write with it upside down is pretty cool in its self. I was going to pick up some markers and drawing pens but I don't know which ones he uses and I am sure that graphics folks are pretty picky about such things. Anyway, I look forward to giving him the gifts tonight and thats the best part of giving, other than the shopping of course !
20091222
Presents, Last night's Speaker, & Sneakers
Today is Tuesday December Twenty Second Two Thousand Oh Nine. For the first time in recent memory I have all of my holiday shopping done early. Gone are the days of drinking a dozen beers in the car while waiting in line to get into the mall parking lot and then bumbling around for a few hours trying to find stuff. In the six weeks leading up to xmas I get nailed for gifts: Chris's birthday, Clayton's birthday, Holley's birthday. Pop's birthday, and then xmas. The only presents that need to be exactly on time are my nephew clayton's and xmas. Since my brother and his family live a few time zones away I have to get every thing done and shipped ten days before the holiday. It was nice to actually have some ducats this year to spend on the people I love and not have to worry about my dope supply. I really enjoy buying people stuff and since I am super materialistic its good therapy for me.
I want to talk about a share that I heard last nite and some specific things she talked about. The woman who shared looks much like many of the girls I went to high school with. She is pretty, well manicured, always well dressed, well educated, and super nice. If you saw her walking down the street you would never guess that the used to be a raging drunken cocaine using pot smoking terror. Just doesn't fit both her look and personality. Granted its been five years since she got sober but its hard for me to imagine her listing to the left a bit and snorting huge lines of coke while smoking a joint. Just goes to show you that the disease of addiction doesn't pull any punches and that it can happen to anyone. She is super sweet and while I am not attracted to her, she is cute and must make someone very happy.
Anyway, she talked about when she first got into AA she wanted to be the queen of AA and wanted everyone to like her. This is very similar to my feelings after a few months in the program and while it is a character defect of mine I don't think that it is all that bad. I say this because the harder you try in AA the more you get out of it. So the harder you try and more successful you are with your recovery the greater the chances you have to stay sober. She also spoke about making some poor decisions during her recovery. This struck me as well because sobriety for a alcoholic is life and life is going to give you poo every once in a while and you have to be able to deal with that. Life and the world around me are not going to change just because I decided to do the next right thing. All I can do is to be prepared for adversity and be honest with myself and I will be ok.
I know that I write about meetings a bunch but meetings are a big reason why I am able to stay sober when so many others have failed. Meetings give me a connection with others that I didn't really feel before except with close friends and family members. I may trumpet the vast amount of eye candy at Cambridge AA meetings (last nite was no exception woo-wee) but its the fellowship and trust in others that I really enjoy. Besides, who doesn't like to hear a good tale of fail and bail followed by a triumphant return to a normal life. It always makes me feel good and while there can me some bummer and uncomfortable moments all in all its awesome.
I promised myself that I would be honest on this blog and that I would tell some tales of my addiction. I am going to start that right after I go freeze my ass off and smoke a few lung darts.
Well I have decided that the war stories can wait and I would like to talk about my sneaker addiction. This is nothing new and has nothing to so with my recovery, I just like sneakers. I used to only buy skate shoes like Vans and Airwalk and while they are very comfy they are not that stylie. I realize that my sense of style borders on plain but I am at least trying. My new kick is Adidas and their outlet website makes it too damn easy for me to purchase a pair. I tell people that I own so many pairs of sneakers because its a good way to combat foot odor but the truth is cool kicks make me feel good and thats what life is about. At the moment I have the following: 1 pr Stan Smiths, 2 pr Superstars, 2 pr Campus, and 2 pr running shoes. For the purpose of symmetry I will be ordering another pair of Stan Smiths today in gold. Yes gold and they are awesome funky sneakers.
I want to talk about a share that I heard last nite and some specific things she talked about. The woman who shared looks much like many of the girls I went to high school with. She is pretty, well manicured, always well dressed, well educated, and super nice. If you saw her walking down the street you would never guess that the used to be a raging drunken cocaine using pot smoking terror. Just doesn't fit both her look and personality. Granted its been five years since she got sober but its hard for me to imagine her listing to the left a bit and snorting huge lines of coke while smoking a joint. Just goes to show you that the disease of addiction doesn't pull any punches and that it can happen to anyone. She is super sweet and while I am not attracted to her, she is cute and must make someone very happy.
Anyway, she talked about when she first got into AA she wanted to be the queen of AA and wanted everyone to like her. This is very similar to my feelings after a few months in the program and while it is a character defect of mine I don't think that it is all that bad. I say this because the harder you try in AA the more you get out of it. So the harder you try and more successful you are with your recovery the greater the chances you have to stay sober. She also spoke about making some poor decisions during her recovery. This struck me as well because sobriety for a alcoholic is life and life is going to give you poo every once in a while and you have to be able to deal with that. Life and the world around me are not going to change just because I decided to do the next right thing. All I can do is to be prepared for adversity and be honest with myself and I will be ok.
I know that I write about meetings a bunch but meetings are a big reason why I am able to stay sober when so many others have failed. Meetings give me a connection with others that I didn't really feel before except with close friends and family members. I may trumpet the vast amount of eye candy at Cambridge AA meetings (last nite was no exception woo-wee) but its the fellowship and trust in others that I really enjoy. Besides, who doesn't like to hear a good tale of fail and bail followed by a triumphant return to a normal life. It always makes me feel good and while there can me some bummer and uncomfortable moments all in all its awesome.
I promised myself that I would be honest on this blog and that I would tell some tales of my addiction. I am going to start that right after I go freeze my ass off and smoke a few lung darts.
Well I have decided that the war stories can wait and I would like to talk about my sneaker addiction. This is nothing new and has nothing to so with my recovery, I just like sneakers. I used to only buy skate shoes like Vans and Airwalk and while they are very comfy they are not that stylie. I realize that my sense of style borders on plain but I am at least trying. My new kick is Adidas and their outlet website makes it too damn easy for me to purchase a pair. I tell people that I own so many pairs of sneakers because its a good way to combat foot odor but the truth is cool kicks make me feel good and thats what life is about. At the moment I have the following: 1 pr Stan Smiths, 2 pr Superstars, 2 pr Campus, and 2 pr running shoes. For the purpose of symmetry I will be ordering another pair of Stan Smiths today in gold. Yes gold and they are awesome funky sneakers.
20091221
Eleven Months.....
Today is Monday December Twenty First Two Thousand Oh Nine. Normally I would say that Mondays suck but not this Monday. Eleven months ago I woke up in the Arbor dual diagnosis detox unit in lovely Jamaica Plain. I felt pretty crappy and my blood pressure was thru the roof. So much so that the nurses made me sit in a chair by their desk so they could feed me Librium, take my blood pressure, and be on the lookout in case I keeled over and had a seizure. I was going thru alcohol withdrawal and its pretty nasty shit all considered. I had kicked heroin that previous weekend so that was not as much of an issue but I had done just enough so it would come back positive on my blood so they could treat me for that.
I met all sorts of interesting people in detox. Hookers, thieves, drug addicts, regular folks, and a transvestite. I was the only person in detox for the first time, everyone else was a repeat customer. It was an interesting experience and not one I would like to repeat but I def learned a bunch. The main thing I learned is to not let my life get so out of control that I need to be locked up for seven days again. It was a dual diagnosis wing meaning that it treated addicts that also had thoughts of offing themselves. For the first time in my life I thought about ending it, so much so that I had a loaded revolver next to me. Pretty bad shit if you ask me.
The last eleven months have been a whirlwind of recovery for me. I was ready to learn how to stop using and I can honestly say that I have put a ton of effort into it. The first ninety days were a blur because I was on some serious meds: Suboxone, Abilify, Serequel, and Trazadone. They really helped me in the beginning and allowed me to work on healing myself. After about five months I stopped taking everything but the Suboxone and I feel much more with it. I always believed in better living thu pharmacology and it def helped me in this case. I think it is important that I took all these medications as directed and stopped taking them when I didn't need them anymore.
Alcoholics Anonymous has been very important to my continued sobriety esp the meetings in the Harvard Square area. They fill the gap socially and I have learned how to ask for help, follow up with people, and express myself honestly. I tried out Narcotics Anonymous but I didn't get the vibe that I get at AA. I went to about thirty NA meetings so it wasn't as if I just went to one and then decided it wasn't for me. I have told my story four times and act as a chairperson for a weekly meeting. It feels good to get involved in the program and helping other people makes me feel good. I don't always agree with everything that AA preaches but I know that it does work for me and I have learned much from my sponsor.
I think I have changed much over this past year and I think all of it for the better. There is really nothing bad about being sober for me and while I do miss the social aspect of bars I don't miss waking up at five am and drinking mouthwash to get a buzz. I firmly believe that I am giving myself the best shot and living a good and honest life and that I have grown a bunch emotionally. I am looking forward to next month when I celebrate my one year and I know that I have to watch out for a serious let down after the attention has faded.
Thats all for now, I have so much more to write about how I feel and how recovery has changed my life.
I met all sorts of interesting people in detox. Hookers, thieves, drug addicts, regular folks, and a transvestite. I was the only person in detox for the first time, everyone else was a repeat customer. It was an interesting experience and not one I would like to repeat but I def learned a bunch. The main thing I learned is to not let my life get so out of control that I need to be locked up for seven days again. It was a dual diagnosis wing meaning that it treated addicts that also had thoughts of offing themselves. For the first time in my life I thought about ending it, so much so that I had a loaded revolver next to me. Pretty bad shit if you ask me.
The last eleven months have been a whirlwind of recovery for me. I was ready to learn how to stop using and I can honestly say that I have put a ton of effort into it. The first ninety days were a blur because I was on some serious meds: Suboxone, Abilify, Serequel, and Trazadone. They really helped me in the beginning and allowed me to work on healing myself. After about five months I stopped taking everything but the Suboxone and I feel much more with it. I always believed in better living thu pharmacology and it def helped me in this case. I think it is important that I took all these medications as directed and stopped taking them when I didn't need them anymore.
Alcoholics Anonymous has been very important to my continued sobriety esp the meetings in the Harvard Square area. They fill the gap socially and I have learned how to ask for help, follow up with people, and express myself honestly. I tried out Narcotics Anonymous but I didn't get the vibe that I get at AA. I went to about thirty NA meetings so it wasn't as if I just went to one and then decided it wasn't for me. I have told my story four times and act as a chairperson for a weekly meeting. It feels good to get involved in the program and helping other people makes me feel good. I don't always agree with everything that AA preaches but I know that it does work for me and I have learned much from my sponsor.
I think I have changed much over this past year and I think all of it for the better. There is really nothing bad about being sober for me and while I do miss the social aspect of bars I don't miss waking up at five am and drinking mouthwash to get a buzz. I firmly believe that I am giving myself the best shot and living a good and honest life and that I have grown a bunch emotionally. I am looking forward to next month when I celebrate my one year and I know that I have to watch out for a serious let down after the attention has faded.
Thats all for now, I have so much more to write about how I feel and how recovery has changed my life.
20091220
Weather, Blazers, Energy Drinks, & Haircuts
Today is December Twentieth Two Thousand Oh Nine. It snowed overnight leaving about ten inches and its still snowing pretty well. The weather is a hot topic of discussion in New England and people complain about it all the time. Whether its raining, snowing, humid, cold, or just chilly. Due to this weather is big news on all the stations and most of them will dedicate their entire broadcast to whats going on outside. I guess a section of the nation that has maps on fall foliage takes their weather pretty seriously. Its the first thing my dad talks about when I call him even though he is only a few hours away. The mayor of Boston always tells people to take the mbta when the weather is crappy but the service always is delayed when there is poor weather. Personally I like weather. Its one of the reasons I live around here and it makes me fee alive and in touch with nature. Its the little things.
I was instructed by my mother to make sure to wear some kind of blazer for Christmas dinner this year. Since my one navy blazer is up in Topsfield I needed to go buy one. I had my eyes on a traveller blazer at JosABank but it was upwards of $180.00 and the guy I spoke to on the phone was a total dick. Maybe I am just sensitive to customer service because I am generally polite and have worked retail before but it doesn't take much effort to be a nice person. Here I am calling your store to inquire about a product which costs a fair amount of money and you can't be at least pleasant to me? Well fuck you bub, your store is now the last place on my list. I wanted something I could wear everyday ala the hipster model so I went to Filene's Basement and scored a sweet camel hair jacket for $120.00. Don't know why they call it Camel Hair, its not like its made from the hair of camels. Its a very dark navy wool and I look damn spiffy in it.
I like energy drinks. Alot. I used to drink two or three of the large size red bulls a day till I figured out that I was spending more on energy drinks every day that I was on cigarettes. Then I started drinking one or two of Rockstar or NOS energy drinks which are two dollars cheaper than the Red Bull which doesn't even have bulls blood in it. When I started working out and watching what I eat I saw that energy drinks have a shit ton of sugar in them. Something like 18 teaspoons of sugar and of course the nutritional info is split in two so it looks like less than it really is. Who drinks one half of a drink in a can ? Thats like drinking half a beer or something. Anyway, I went diet and while diet Rockstar is drinkable, the diet NOS kicks some serious ass. I am drinking one now in fact.
So I got all my hair chopped off last August after growing it out for three years and donated the proceeds to Locks For Love. I had not hair my locks chopped since then because well I loathe getting my hair cut. I don't really know why but I just don't. I told the horrified lady and supercuts what I wanted and she said, "Oh so you want a traditional boys cut." Great. Here I am forty years old and the supercuts lady wants to cut my hair as if I am ten. Well fine, just cut my hair and wake me up when its over. It looks like well, a hair cut. I don't know about the little boy end of things but my hair is def cut. One more thing off the pre xmas checklist.
I was instructed by my mother to make sure to wear some kind of blazer for Christmas dinner this year. Since my one navy blazer is up in Topsfield I needed to go buy one. I had my eyes on a traveller blazer at JosABank but it was upwards of $180.00 and the guy I spoke to on the phone was a total dick. Maybe I am just sensitive to customer service because I am generally polite and have worked retail before but it doesn't take much effort to be a nice person. Here I am calling your store to inquire about a product which costs a fair amount of money and you can't be at least pleasant to me? Well fuck you bub, your store is now the last place on my list. I wanted something I could wear everyday ala the hipster model so I went to Filene's Basement and scored a sweet camel hair jacket for $120.00. Don't know why they call it Camel Hair, its not like its made from the hair of camels. Its a very dark navy wool and I look damn spiffy in it.
I like energy drinks. Alot. I used to drink two or three of the large size red bulls a day till I figured out that I was spending more on energy drinks every day that I was on cigarettes. Then I started drinking one or two of Rockstar or NOS energy drinks which are two dollars cheaper than the Red Bull which doesn't even have bulls blood in it. When I started working out and watching what I eat I saw that energy drinks have a shit ton of sugar in them. Something like 18 teaspoons of sugar and of course the nutritional info is split in two so it looks like less than it really is. Who drinks one half of a drink in a can ? Thats like drinking half a beer or something. Anyway, I went diet and while diet Rockstar is drinkable, the diet NOS kicks some serious ass. I am drinking one now in fact.
So I got all my hair chopped off last August after growing it out for three years and donated the proceeds to Locks For Love. I had not hair my locks chopped since then because well I loathe getting my hair cut. I don't really know why but I just don't. I told the horrified lady and supercuts what I wanted and she said, "Oh so you want a traditional boys cut." Great. Here I am forty years old and the supercuts lady wants to cut my hair as if I am ten. Well fine, just cut my hair and wake me up when its over. It looks like well, a hair cut. I don't know about the little boy end of things but my hair is def cut. One more thing off the pre xmas checklist.
20091218
Brr, Working out, Diet, & Smoking
Today is December Eighteenth Two Thousand Oh Nine and it is nippy out. Not just brrr I might need a sweater, but holy shit do I have my gloves, hat, fleece, vest and why is God doing this to me cold out. I walk about a mile from my house to the Alewife MBTA station and I get to walk by some athletic fields where there is always a sweet wind blowing across it. Then when I turn a corner an get on the bike path there is another awesome headwind to contend with. At least I can tell my nephews and possible children that I did indeed walk a mile in the cold every morning.
Even tho I was sore from Tuesday night I went to the gym last night and something amazing happened. I am not sore this morning and all I can blame it on is the fact that I worked on my sore muscles. I did not know that. I am really weak in the arms so Nancy has me doing exercises that don't allow me to cheat with my shoulders. I guess that it is a natural reaction that the stronger parts of the body will make up for the weaker part. Makes sense. This is my third week riding the deathcycle on level ten for twenty minutes and it is getting easier so I think I may increase my length of time in five minute increments. I make sure my heart rate is in the 120 - 140 range and I sweat profusely. I won't say I sweat like a pig because I read once that pigs don't sweat and I don't want to be passing along bad information. Anyway I feel much better today and I cannot wait to work out tomorrow morning.
So I am watching what I eat and reporting everything to Nancy every week. It is really sobering to take a look at what you eat in paper from day to day. I lost almost twenty pounds in the first five months of my sobriety but gained it back this fall. I had the thought that since I was sober I could eat anything I wanted to do. Pints of ice cream, twix bars, sugar cereals with whole milk, munchos, steak and cheese calzones, non diet energy drinks, donuts, gravy, breakfast meats, the list goes on and on. Well I have stopped all of that last week and I am hoping that my diet will aid in my weight loss. I see my physical fitness a puzzle that I need all the pieces for in order to be successful. I am planning to write a book about my experiences in sobriety with chapters on health and wellness.
Here is a sample of what I eat every day by time o' day:
7:30am
12oz black coffee
16oz sugar free energy drink
8:30am
16oz oatmeal w/ 3tbl brown sugar
Bagel w/ 3 52% veggie oil packets
16oz black coffee
12:00pm
Either a chicken salad sandwich or one portion with side of an entree at the CHBCafe
7oz Dannon vanilla yogurt
32oz water
2:00pm
16oz black coffee
4:00pm
3 cups Special K cereal w/ 2 cups of lowfat milk
32oz water
As you can see its a fair amount of food but I don't think its too much. I know that I drink too much coffee and energy drinks and use way too much salt but I will work on that later. One thing I have learned in sobriety it not to try and do too much at once or else I will fail. Too many times I have tried to change my life all at once rather than being patient. One of the many and aggravating mottos of AA is the venerable "One Day At A Time" which I don't totally agree with. When I first got sober going from day to day was important but now I tend to look towards the long term. The same goes for diet and exercise, it takes months not days to change yourself physically.
One thing I am going to really regret giving up is smoking. I love cigarettes. I love everything about them, the smell, taste, effect, the process of lighting and smoking. I even like going outside a smoking for a breath of smoky fresh air and socializing with the other smokers. I like smoking when I first get up, after meals, before and after working out, and before I hit the sack. Alas I have to give this wonderful habit up if I ever want to get into good cardio shape. So I have a plan. I purchased four cartons of cigarettes over the internet and am smoking every single cig till they are gone. When that happens I will stop smoking on a regular basis. I plan to use the nicotine lozenges so I don't freak out and kill someone but my regular smoking days are over. I have roughly twelve packs left and whats funny is that corresponds with me quitting on NYE. Great. Maybe I will have to push it out al little bit.
Even tho I was sore from Tuesday night I went to the gym last night and something amazing happened. I am not sore this morning and all I can blame it on is the fact that I worked on my sore muscles. I did not know that. I am really weak in the arms so Nancy has me doing exercises that don't allow me to cheat with my shoulders. I guess that it is a natural reaction that the stronger parts of the body will make up for the weaker part. Makes sense. This is my third week riding the deathcycle on level ten for twenty minutes and it is getting easier so I think I may increase my length of time in five minute increments. I make sure my heart rate is in the 120 - 140 range and I sweat profusely. I won't say I sweat like a pig because I read once that pigs don't sweat and I don't want to be passing along bad information. Anyway I feel much better today and I cannot wait to work out tomorrow morning.
So I am watching what I eat and reporting everything to Nancy every week. It is really sobering to take a look at what you eat in paper from day to day. I lost almost twenty pounds in the first five months of my sobriety but gained it back this fall. I had the thought that since I was sober I could eat anything I wanted to do. Pints of ice cream, twix bars, sugar cereals with whole milk, munchos, steak and cheese calzones, non diet energy drinks, donuts, gravy, breakfast meats, the list goes on and on. Well I have stopped all of that last week and I am hoping that my diet will aid in my weight loss. I see my physical fitness a puzzle that I need all the pieces for in order to be successful. I am planning to write a book about my experiences in sobriety with chapters on health and wellness.
Here is a sample of what I eat every day by time o' day:
7:30am
12oz black coffee
16oz sugar free energy drink
8:30am
16oz oatmeal w/ 3tbl brown sugar
Bagel w/ 3 52% veggie oil packets
16oz black coffee
12:00pm
Either a chicken salad sandwich or one portion with side of an entree at the CHBCafe
7oz Dannon vanilla yogurt
32oz water
2:00pm
16oz black coffee
4:00pm
3 cups Special K cereal w/ 2 cups of lowfat milk
32oz water
As you can see its a fair amount of food but I don't think its too much. I know that I drink too much coffee and energy drinks and use way too much salt but I will work on that later. One thing I have learned in sobriety it not to try and do too much at once or else I will fail. Too many times I have tried to change my life all at once rather than being patient. One of the many and aggravating mottos of AA is the venerable "One Day At A Time" which I don't totally agree with. When I first got sober going from day to day was important but now I tend to look towards the long term. The same goes for diet and exercise, it takes months not days to change yourself physically.
One thing I am going to really regret giving up is smoking. I love cigarettes. I love everything about them, the smell, taste, effect, the process of lighting and smoking. I even like going outside a smoking for a breath of smoky fresh air and socializing with the other smokers. I like smoking when I first get up, after meals, before and after working out, and before I hit the sack. Alas I have to give this wonderful habit up if I ever want to get into good cardio shape. So I have a plan. I purchased four cartons of cigarettes over the internet and am smoking every single cig till they are gone. When that happens I will stop smoking on a regular basis. I plan to use the nicotine lozenges so I don't freak out and kill someone but my regular smoking days are over. I have roughly twelve packs left and whats funny is that corresponds with me quitting on NYE. Great. Maybe I will have to push it out al little bit.
20091217
More Drama, Sore Shoulders, & Last Night's Show
Today is Thursday December Seventeenth Two Thousand Oh Nine and its fricking cold out. Now I promise not to talk too much about the weather which is always a popular topic here in New England. I hear a funny comment from my friend Court one day, he said that in Truckee, CA people actually get excited about snow. I like snow myself as it covers all the dirt and desperation of the city for a day or two and slows things down a bit. Windy nine degree days I can do without, well that and freezing rain. Today is booger freezing cold for sure.
My friend was at the show last nite as expected and he walked past me a few times without saying anything. Fine with me, I decided that it was his first move to make and me being so non-confrontational thats the way it was going to be. I was walking on the second level of the Paradise not really paying attention and all of a sudden there he was. He stopped, smiled and hugged me for a good twenty seconds. I told him that we needed to talk, he agreed and I managed to ignore him for the rest of the night. I am glad that we made contact and I feel much better today. Not much better about the status of our friendship because it is the same but just glad that fistacuffs didn't happen and he seemed willing to talk.
Had a great time with the XX chromosomes last nite, they are some really cool folks. I love it when friends get all dolled up to go out, not because they are looking to get laid but because thats what you do when you go out and it makes you feel good. It has taken me a long time to figure out what makes me feel good and looking good is a big part of that. This is a perfect lead in for the next item.
My shoulders are very sore. I think I over did it a bit with my trainer but I was tried of not being aggressive in the gym. Nancy added six more exercises to my routine and she quickly found out that I am super weak in the forearms and biceps, something I remember from my physical therapy so it didn't come as a surprise. I tended to cheat with my shoulders on many of the exercises so I guess thats why they are sore. I could sense some frustration from her when I wasn't able to do certain routines correctly but she showed me some machines that make it very difficult for me to do incorrectly. Thats one of the things I like about her is that she really seems attuned to detail and form and is willing to change things up in order to make my workout better. I am getting in shape for a bunch of reasons and self esteem is a big part of that. With the exception of 1988-1994 I have been twenty to forty pounds overweight and I am doing something about it.
The Greyboy Allstars as expected were simply awesome. My two favorite players are the guitar and sax man. I don't know the git player's name but he plays a big Guild hollowbody with a thick rich sound. I guess you could call it jazz guitar somewhat like in sixties great Grant Green. The sax man is Karl Denson who may be short in stature but more than makes up for it with his sound. He is also totally jacked and dances like James Brown at times. He fronts the Greyboys with aplomb and also has his own band called Karl Denson's Tiny Universe. The bring the funk more than jazz but are also super fun to see.
Last night went much better than expected socially. I knew at least fifteen people at the show and it was great catching up with old friends from the north shore. I had sorta forgotten how much I miss those folks, really solid people from an amazing time in my life. I also got to hang out and chat with an xx chromo which was great. She is really sweet and very pretty and while she isn't a romantic interest at this point I am glad to know her. One thing I decided last night is that any xx chromo that I date has to absolutely be into music and seeing it live. Live music is such a large part of my history and current life and to not share that with someone I care about just wouldn't work for me. Even is she insists on chatting during the whole show, just the fact she is there would suffice for me. Well enough of that, its been awhile since I've dated anyone and I am not sure when I will break that current way of thinking.
My friend was at the show last nite as expected and he walked past me a few times without saying anything. Fine with me, I decided that it was his first move to make and me being so non-confrontational thats the way it was going to be. I was walking on the second level of the Paradise not really paying attention and all of a sudden there he was. He stopped, smiled and hugged me for a good twenty seconds. I told him that we needed to talk, he agreed and I managed to ignore him for the rest of the night. I am glad that we made contact and I feel much better today. Not much better about the status of our friendship because it is the same but just glad that fistacuffs didn't happen and he seemed willing to talk.
Had a great time with the XX chromosomes last nite, they are some really cool folks. I love it when friends get all dolled up to go out, not because they are looking to get laid but because thats what you do when you go out and it makes you feel good. It has taken me a long time to figure out what makes me feel good and looking good is a big part of that. This is a perfect lead in for the next item.
My shoulders are very sore. I think I over did it a bit with my trainer but I was tried of not being aggressive in the gym. Nancy added six more exercises to my routine and she quickly found out that I am super weak in the forearms and biceps, something I remember from my physical therapy so it didn't come as a surprise. I tended to cheat with my shoulders on many of the exercises so I guess thats why they are sore. I could sense some frustration from her when I wasn't able to do certain routines correctly but she showed me some machines that make it very difficult for me to do incorrectly. Thats one of the things I like about her is that she really seems attuned to detail and form and is willing to change things up in order to make my workout better. I am getting in shape for a bunch of reasons and self esteem is a big part of that. With the exception of 1988-1994 I have been twenty to forty pounds overweight and I am doing something about it.
The Greyboy Allstars as expected were simply awesome. My two favorite players are the guitar and sax man. I don't know the git player's name but he plays a big Guild hollowbody with a thick rich sound. I guess you could call it jazz guitar somewhat like in sixties great Grant Green. The sax man is Karl Denson who may be short in stature but more than makes up for it with his sound. He is also totally jacked and dances like James Brown at times. He fronts the Greyboys with aplomb and also has his own band called Karl Denson's Tiny Universe. The bring the funk more than jazz but are also super fun to see.
Last night went much better than expected socially. I knew at least fifteen people at the show and it was great catching up with old friends from the north shore. I had sorta forgotten how much I miss those folks, really solid people from an amazing time in my life. I also got to hang out and chat with an xx chromo which was great. She is really sweet and very pretty and while she isn't a romantic interest at this point I am glad to know her. One thing I decided last night is that any xx chromo that I date has to absolutely be into music and seeing it live. Live music is such a large part of my history and current life and to not share that with someone I care about just wouldn't work for me. Even is she insists on chatting during the whole show, just the fact she is there would suffice for me. Well enough of that, its been awhile since I've dated anyone and I am not sure when I will break that current way of thinking.
20091216
Greyboy Allstars, Friends In Sobriety, & Female Friends
Today is Wednesday December Sixteenth Two Thousand Oh Nine and today should be an interesting day. I am going to the Greyboy Allstars at the Paradise with some good female friends of mine. Some older, some newer but all solid chiquitas. The best thing is I don't have an angle to sleep with any of them, ok well maybe one of them but I am not counting on anything. Certainly not near term anyway.
To make matters even more intersting, word on the street is that my former best friend will be there. I say former best friend because we have not spoken since August so I am not sure what is going on with our friendship. From my point of view he is having a hard time with the fact that I am sober and doesn't know how to hang out without alcohol or drugs. He told me this last July and then after him blowing me off a couple of times I called him out on it. He didn't like it and he hasn't been on contact since. To make matters even more more more interesting, the mother of his children and a good friend of mine will be there as well. I am hoping that there isn't any confrontation that I am involved in because he needs to deal with his on shit, the mom's shit, and his kids shit before he deals with anything to do with me.
This loss of friendship has affected (or is it effected) me greatly as we have been friends for 20 years. We have stuck together thru tough times and always seemed to get along no matter what shit I pulled when I was hammered. He was one of two friends that called me out on my drinking and was in fact on his way to my house the night my pop took me to rehab. I love him like a brother and its killing me that I am not a part of his life. He told me that he feels uncomfortable drinking in front of me and since he drinks all the time then it would be difficult for us to hang out. I personally think thats bullshit, that there is something else going on that we need to face together and get thru whatever it may be. This has a/effected me to the point that I am thinking of going to Al Anon meetings about it. Now that is a fucking joke but perhaps it may work.
The thing is that I never thought that out of all of my friends that he would be the only one to have a problem with my sobriety. He took me in the first couple of nights after I was released from detox, gave me rides to meetings, and told me he believed in me. According to my friends at AA this is all very common but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt me on an elemental level. I thought that our friendship meant more to him that it does but perhaps I am wrong. I texted him on his birthday and didn't hear back so I am not sure of the dealio. I am going to get his address and send him a copy of the AA Big Book and a meeting list after the holidays.
The Greyboy Allstars are from California and specialize in this awesome uppity jazz and funk music. They used to tour frequently but have not been to the area for some time so I am really psyched to see them again. The rest of the drama I will try and keep out of because I don't want to deal with it tonight. If he wants to talk to me a later time and work things out, I am amendable to that. If not, I am still going to send him a Big Book.
To make matters even more intersting, word on the street is that my former best friend will be there. I say former best friend because we have not spoken since August so I am not sure what is going on with our friendship. From my point of view he is having a hard time with the fact that I am sober and doesn't know how to hang out without alcohol or drugs. He told me this last July and then after him blowing me off a couple of times I called him out on it. He didn't like it and he hasn't been on contact since. To make matters even more more more interesting, the mother of his children and a good friend of mine will be there as well. I am hoping that there isn't any confrontation that I am involved in because he needs to deal with his on shit, the mom's shit, and his kids shit before he deals with anything to do with me.
This loss of friendship has affected (or is it effected) me greatly as we have been friends for 20 years. We have stuck together thru tough times and always seemed to get along no matter what shit I pulled when I was hammered. He was one of two friends that called me out on my drinking and was in fact on his way to my house the night my pop took me to rehab. I love him like a brother and its killing me that I am not a part of his life. He told me that he feels uncomfortable drinking in front of me and since he drinks all the time then it would be difficult for us to hang out. I personally think thats bullshit, that there is something else going on that we need to face together and get thru whatever it may be. This has a/effected me to the point that I am thinking of going to Al Anon meetings about it. Now that is a fucking joke but perhaps it may work.
The thing is that I never thought that out of all of my friends that he would be the only one to have a problem with my sobriety. He took me in the first couple of nights after I was released from detox, gave me rides to meetings, and told me he believed in me. According to my friends at AA this is all very common but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt me on an elemental level. I thought that our friendship meant more to him that it does but perhaps I am wrong. I texted him on his birthday and didn't hear back so I am not sure of the dealio. I am going to get his address and send him a copy of the AA Big Book and a meeting list after the holidays.
The Greyboy Allstars are from California and specialize in this awesome uppity jazz and funk music. They used to tour frequently but have not been to the area for some time so I am really psyched to see them again. The rest of the drama I will try and keep out of because I don't want to deal with it tonight. If he wants to talk to me a later time and work things out, I am amendable to that. If not, I am still going to send him a Big Book.
20091214
Exercise, Food, & Old Friends
Today is Monday, December Fourteenth Two Thousand Oh Nine and I am kinda sore today. I started a exercise program two weeks ago and met with a personal trainer last tuesday. Personal trainers are pretty spendy at seventy-five dollars an hour but I decided that I needed someone to be accountable to. Also, since I dropped a check for seven hundred dollars for ten weeks of training I better well follow up and get my money's worth.
My trainer Nancy, has me starting off slowly for the first week. I do two sets of fifteen repetitions on four different machines and then ride the death cycle for twenty minutes. The cardio's mission is to get my heart rate up around 130 for twenty minutes and since I am a smoker with high blood pressure its pretty easy for my to obtain that goal. I meet with Nancy again tomorrow and I hope to increase the amount of weight on the machines I am doing as well as learning some new machines. Its important to me to do the exercises correctly so I don't screw up some part of myself. I lost about twenty pounds since I got sober but I seem to have gained it all back in the past few months. I am hoping that the exercise helps a bit.
I've started eating better as well and while I still drink at least one energy drink a day I now drink the sugar free ones. I also gave up sugar cereal with whole milk in favor of special K and lowfat milk. I just cannot drink skim milk, it sucks and reminds me of the powered milk my folks made my brother and I drink when we were kids. I am also eating oatmeal every morning and since I drink my coffee black I don't have to worry about cream and sugar in the beverage.
Since I began recovery I have discovered that two college friends of mine are also in recovery. They don't use AA like I do but have their own program but I think its important to realize that both of them are married with children. I am not saying that what they are doing is any easier but I think if I had children life would have a different perspective for me. I am just glad that they are taking responsibility for their life and moving forward rather than in reverse.
There isn't much to report today and I don't feel like traveling down memory lane. Its monday and I don't feel like writing much.
My trainer Nancy, has me starting off slowly for the first week. I do two sets of fifteen repetitions on four different machines and then ride the death cycle for twenty minutes. The cardio's mission is to get my heart rate up around 130 for twenty minutes and since I am a smoker with high blood pressure its pretty easy for my to obtain that goal. I meet with Nancy again tomorrow and I hope to increase the amount of weight on the machines I am doing as well as learning some new machines. Its important to me to do the exercises correctly so I don't screw up some part of myself. I lost about twenty pounds since I got sober but I seem to have gained it all back in the past few months. I am hoping that the exercise helps a bit.
I've started eating better as well and while I still drink at least one energy drink a day I now drink the sugar free ones. I also gave up sugar cereal with whole milk in favor of special K and lowfat milk. I just cannot drink skim milk, it sucks and reminds me of the powered milk my folks made my brother and I drink when we were kids. I am also eating oatmeal every morning and since I drink my coffee black I don't have to worry about cream and sugar in the beverage.
Since I began recovery I have discovered that two college friends of mine are also in recovery. They don't use AA like I do but have their own program but I think its important to realize that both of them are married with children. I am not saying that what they are doing is any easier but I think if I had children life would have a different perspective for me. I am just glad that they are taking responsibility for their life and moving forward rather than in reverse.
There isn't much to report today and I don't feel like traveling down memory lane. Its monday and I don't feel like writing much.
20091213
Routines, Fourth Step, & AA Quaker Friends Meeting
Today is December Thirteenth Two Thousand Oh Nine. I didn't write anything yesterday because I decided to take a nap at 4:00pm yesterday and I just woke up twenty minutes ago. I don't normally sleep more than six or seven hours but once in a while I need some real sleep. I was super tired because I had been up late at Hot Tuna the previous night and up early for my usual Saturday routine. Plus I had the bonus of going thru my fifth step with my sponsor.
I go to a AA meeting every Saturday called the Friend's Meeting at the Quaker Meeting house off Brattle Street near Harvard Square. It was one of the first meetings where I felt the AA love, people who I didn't know really seemed to give a shit about me and looked forward to hearing about my recovery. Many of other AA members from other groups bust on the friends meeting saying that the people who go don't have much to worry about because they are rich, successful, and sorta snooty. First of all, AA is for anyone that needs to stop drinking. Period. Second, if you don't like the meeting, then go to another meeting. Anyway, I enjoy the folks in the quaker friends meeting, they have been important to my sobriety and I enjoy the meeting. I was a speaker for the meeting a few months ago and from all reports the audience enjoyed and learned from my honesty.
As a member of AA I try and do everything they suggest. I do this because it has worked for others and what do I have to lose ? I have been sober longer than I ever have before, I like the meetings, and enjoy being a part of something. I have been working on the twelve steps which along with the twelve traditions are the infrastructure of Alcoholics Anonymous. They provide a template in which to strengthen your sobriety and improve your life in the process. It is not a pleasant process but at times it does make you feel better. The fourth step for me is broken down into four parts: resentments, people I have harmed, fears, and sexual conduct. I thought and wrote about them for five weeks and then spent two saturdays explaining them to my sponsor and after which I completed my fifth step.
I am active in AA and work the program to the best of my ability. I do this because for many years I couldn't face the day without getting high, drunk, or both and AA has given me the opportunity to live my life sober. Would other programs work ? Maybe. Could I do this on my own ? Probably not. All I know is that AA helps me in ways that I didnt think possible.
Routines are an important part of my life now and this is a big change from the way I lived my life before. They instill a sense of purpose, calm, and cause me to look forward to the future. When I was active the only routine I had was to get high or drunk or usually both. Some days I would shower, some I wouldn't. Some weeks I would have clean clothes to wear, some I wouldn't. Some days I would get to work at 7:30am and some days I would arrive after 9:00. I could not be depended on to show up for life because I could not depend on myself. Routines seem to most to be a simple part of the day's framework but for me they help tremendously. I will be writing much more about sobriety in general but I want to start a little at a time, mimicking how I go about my recovery.
Oh, Hot Tuna was awesome.
I go to a AA meeting every Saturday called the Friend's Meeting at the Quaker Meeting house off Brattle Street near Harvard Square. It was one of the first meetings where I felt the AA love, people who I didn't know really seemed to give a shit about me and looked forward to hearing about my recovery. Many of other AA members from other groups bust on the friends meeting saying that the people who go don't have much to worry about because they are rich, successful, and sorta snooty. First of all, AA is for anyone that needs to stop drinking. Period. Second, if you don't like the meeting, then go to another meeting. Anyway, I enjoy the folks in the quaker friends meeting, they have been important to my sobriety and I enjoy the meeting. I was a speaker for the meeting a few months ago and from all reports the audience enjoyed and learned from my honesty.
As a member of AA I try and do everything they suggest. I do this because it has worked for others and what do I have to lose ? I have been sober longer than I ever have before, I like the meetings, and enjoy being a part of something. I have been working on the twelve steps which along with the twelve traditions are the infrastructure of Alcoholics Anonymous. They provide a template in which to strengthen your sobriety and improve your life in the process. It is not a pleasant process but at times it does make you feel better. The fourth step for me is broken down into four parts: resentments, people I have harmed, fears, and sexual conduct. I thought and wrote about them for five weeks and then spent two saturdays explaining them to my sponsor and after which I completed my fifth step.
I am active in AA and work the program to the best of my ability. I do this because for many years I couldn't face the day without getting high, drunk, or both and AA has given me the opportunity to live my life sober. Would other programs work ? Maybe. Could I do this on my own ? Probably not. All I know is that AA helps me in ways that I didnt think possible.
Routines are an important part of my life now and this is a big change from the way I lived my life before. They instill a sense of purpose, calm, and cause me to look forward to the future. When I was active the only routine I had was to get high or drunk or usually both. Some days I would shower, some I wouldn't. Some weeks I would have clean clothes to wear, some I wouldn't. Some days I would get to work at 7:30am and some days I would arrive after 9:00. I could not be depended on to show up for life because I could not depend on myself. Routines seem to most to be a simple part of the day's framework but for me they help tremendously. I will be writing much more about sobriety in general but I want to start a little at a time, mimicking how I go about my recovery.
Oh, Hot Tuna was awesome.
20091211
Music Part One
Today is Friday December Eleventh Two Thousand Oh Nine and I am excited. Not only because it is Friday and I can get the hell out of Childrens Hospital Boston for the weekend but I am seeing some music tonight. Music has always been an important part of my life, I grew up going to sleep listening to my mother play the piano or the harp. I also had the task of moving my mom's harp to various performances which really sucked. Moving a full size harp is a pain in the ass in its self but add the fact that the musician is watching you move it and oh yeah, she is your mom. I hate the expression win-win situation but this was defiantly a lose-lose one.
I have a very wide range of musical tastes, from country, bluegrass, jazz, blues, and classical to jambands, hard rock, metal, thrash, and hardcore. As mentioned previously I am a big fan of the Grateful Dead and I had the oppurtunity to see them upwards of fifty times, the same goes for Widespread Panic. PH!SH on the other hand I have seen them probably well over 200 times. How can someone see a band that many times you may ask ? Its pretty easy, I have been going to PH!SH shows since Nineteen Eighty Nine and it is now Two Thousand Oh Nine. Simple math will tell you that is only ten shows a year and when I was younger I got to see fifteen to twenty a year. I will be the first to admit that I've seen them too many times but for me it was more than just a concert. There are many friends that I would only see on tour and it was a great social situation as well. Plus the drugs were awesome, much better than Dead tour. So I went to go see a band and score drugs, wow thats a new one.
I am going to write much more on bands and music later and I want to write about the band I am seeing tonight. It is the acoustic version of the band Hot Tuna with two guys named Jorma and Jack playing. Almost all of their songs have been covered by one person or another but these are the dudes that actually wrote them. They are some of my musical heroes and I respect the low key way they go about their lives and music. They are playing in a church in Harvard Square for gods sake, how much more laid back can you get. So after work I am headed to a AA meeting in Harvard Square and then plan to meet up with my friend Katie and perhaps my friend Jessica and go to the show. Jessica tends to blow me off last minute so I will believe it when I see it. She is a good friend and a cool girl tho its worth putting up with it.
Well, its time for me to talk a little about my recovery and I am surprised that it has taken this long for me to talk about it. Music has been very important in my recovery and has given me the ability to relax when I am around people drinking. I was in a bar seeing a friend's band on my 31st day of sobriety and it really didn't bother me and hasn't since. I didn't really drink all that much publicly as I would much rather drink by myself where I couldn't make an ass out of myself. So I am excited for tonight because I get to go to a Cambridge AA meeting which is a total babefest and then go some some musical heroes of mine. Yes, there are pretty girls in AA and I appreciate them very much. They smell good, are cool to talk to, and easy on the eyes and its one of the reasons I like going to Cambridge AA so much. I just don't act on my feelings because I am not altogether sure that dating or sleeping with someone in my local AA group would be a very wise idea.
I have a very wide range of musical tastes, from country, bluegrass, jazz, blues, and classical to jambands, hard rock, metal, thrash, and hardcore. As mentioned previously I am a big fan of the Grateful Dead and I had the oppurtunity to see them upwards of fifty times, the same goes for Widespread Panic. PH!SH on the other hand I have seen them probably well over 200 times. How can someone see a band that many times you may ask ? Its pretty easy, I have been going to PH!SH shows since Nineteen Eighty Nine and it is now Two Thousand Oh Nine. Simple math will tell you that is only ten shows a year and when I was younger I got to see fifteen to twenty a year. I will be the first to admit that I've seen them too many times but for me it was more than just a concert. There are many friends that I would only see on tour and it was a great social situation as well. Plus the drugs were awesome, much better than Dead tour. So I went to go see a band and score drugs, wow thats a new one.
I am going to write much more on bands and music later and I want to write about the band I am seeing tonight. It is the acoustic version of the band Hot Tuna with two guys named Jorma and Jack playing. Almost all of their songs have been covered by one person or another but these are the dudes that actually wrote them. They are some of my musical heroes and I respect the low key way they go about their lives and music. They are playing in a church in Harvard Square for gods sake, how much more laid back can you get. So after work I am headed to a AA meeting in Harvard Square and then plan to meet up with my friend Katie and perhaps my friend Jessica and go to the show. Jessica tends to blow me off last minute so I will believe it when I see it. She is a good friend and a cool girl tho its worth putting up with it.
Well, its time for me to talk a little about my recovery and I am surprised that it has taken this long for me to talk about it. Music has been very important in my recovery and has given me the ability to relax when I am around people drinking. I was in a bar seeing a friend's band on my 31st day of sobriety and it really didn't bother me and hasn't since. I didn't really drink all that much publicly as I would much rather drink by myself where I couldn't make an ass out of myself. So I am excited for tonight because I get to go to a Cambridge AA meeting which is a total babefest and then go some some musical heroes of mine. Yes, there are pretty girls in AA and I appreciate them very much. They smell good, are cool to talk to, and easy on the eyes and its one of the reasons I like going to Cambridge AA so much. I just don't act on my feelings because I am not altogether sure that dating or sleeping with someone in my local AA group would be a very wise idea.
20091210
Books & Why I Like Reading Part One
Today is Thursday, December Twelfth Two Thousand Oh Nine. You may notice that I write out numerals except in the title, well I like how they look. Always have, I guess I like words in general. I read two shitty books of fiction a week as an average, the better fiction take me a bit longer because I can't plow thru them as quickly.
When I was a kid my parental units would only let me watch television for a few hours a week and only on the weekends. I used to rush home from school and watch television before my mom came home and the first thing she would do was to place her hand on top of the TV set to see if it was warm and then yell at me if it was. I would like to say that I discovered some sort of work around to that but I didn't and since we only had one television until the late 1980's I would always get busted.
So since I wasn't allowed to watch television I read books. Lots of them. I will never forget two books that I read when I was twelve or thirteen that had a major impact on me. The first was "Forever" by Judy Blume and it was about two kids having sex for the first time. As a early teenager I was very interested in girls, what they had to offer, how they were different, and why they smelled so good most of the time. The second book was "Christine" by Stephen King. That book totally freaked me out and scared the crap out of me. I will never forget finishing it at night in my bed and not being able to sleep. I found that in the days before cable, pay per view, and VHS that there were many topics, descriptions, and accounts therof available in books and nowhere else.
In my family there is a culture of reading that I feel very lucky to have been brought up in. It was not uncommon for the four of use to all be reading at the same time, only in different parts of the house. When I visit my folks in Maine now as an adult, many hours are spent reading and looking at the ocean. Books are always a popular and wanted gift at birthdays and holidays and it is very important to write something in the first few pages when you give a book to someone else. I guess it personalizes the book and it can be looked at long after the special day is over.
I mainly read fiction and I don't set the bar very high in what I am interested in. I have a friend or two that I contact when I want something meaty but most of the time I am content with just reading. I commute and hour or so each way on the MBTA and reading makes what can be an unpleasant journey into something much easier to deal with. I also read for at least thirty minutes before I got to sleep every night, I find it always makes for interesting dreams.
I won't go into specifics right now as to what authors I like because I think that each one deserves their own blog entry. When I find an author I like I generally will seek out everything they have written so that I am very familiar with their style. I like books and writing for many of the same reasons I like music. It enjoyable, activates the mind, gives me something to do, and it is something that I have little or no talent in doing for myself.
When I was a kid my parental units would only let me watch television for a few hours a week and only on the weekends. I used to rush home from school and watch television before my mom came home and the first thing she would do was to place her hand on top of the TV set to see if it was warm and then yell at me if it was. I would like to say that I discovered some sort of work around to that but I didn't and since we only had one television until the late 1980's I would always get busted.
So since I wasn't allowed to watch television I read books. Lots of them. I will never forget two books that I read when I was twelve or thirteen that had a major impact on me. The first was "Forever" by Judy Blume and it was about two kids having sex for the first time. As a early teenager I was very interested in girls, what they had to offer, how they were different, and why they smelled so good most of the time. The second book was "Christine" by Stephen King. That book totally freaked me out and scared the crap out of me. I will never forget finishing it at night in my bed and not being able to sleep. I found that in the days before cable, pay per view, and VHS that there were many topics, descriptions, and accounts therof available in books and nowhere else.
In my family there is a culture of reading that I feel very lucky to have been brought up in. It was not uncommon for the four of use to all be reading at the same time, only in different parts of the house. When I visit my folks in Maine now as an adult, many hours are spent reading and looking at the ocean. Books are always a popular and wanted gift at birthdays and holidays and it is very important to write something in the first few pages when you give a book to someone else. I guess it personalizes the book and it can be looked at long after the special day is over.
I mainly read fiction and I don't set the bar very high in what I am interested in. I have a friend or two that I contact when I want something meaty but most of the time I am content with just reading. I commute and hour or so each way on the MBTA and reading makes what can be an unpleasant journey into something much easier to deal with. I also read for at least thirty minutes before I got to sleep every night, I find it always makes for interesting dreams.
I won't go into specifics right now as to what authors I like because I think that each one deserves their own blog entry. When I find an author I like I generally will seek out everything they have written so that I am very familiar with their style. I like books and writing for many of the same reasons I like music. It enjoyable, activates the mind, gives me something to do, and it is something that I have little or no talent in doing for myself.
20091209
Welcome
Today is December Twelfth Two Thousand Oh Nine and this is the first post of my blog. Not much to look at or read I know but I have to start somewhere. I chose the Tic-Tac blog template because I don't mind Tic-Tacs and it looked fairly easy to read.
This is totally self serving blog about me and my life. I tend to be one of those people who write really long email messages to you that you always skip over or delete so this will be a place for me to write whatever the fuck I want to write about. Yes, this blog will have profanity once in awhile, mostly my reporting of insults or swears I hear about like fucktard.
About me: I was born on September Eleventh Nineteen Sixty Nine at Beverly Hospital. I wasn't much to look at but my brother still insisted on stacking logs over my crib in order to hide my existence from the world. I guess he thought he knew something that my parents didn't, it doesn't surprise me as he is a pretty smart guy.
I am going to write on a variety of topics: recovery, women, family, jobs, music, exercise, food, friendships, weird shit, art, sneakers, grateful not dead, gatorade, dogs, travel, things I miss, and anything else that crosses my mind.
I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict who for the last ten months has been moderately successful in keeping away from the stuff that almost ruined my life and I have been doing a bunch of thinking during this time. Its astounding how much more I can think about stuff when I'm not piss drunk or high on chemicals, which was an EVERYDAY occurrence for me during the last 5 years. This is why I am grateful not dead and hence the title of this blog. I also like the Grateful Dead so any recovery phrase that has the words "Grateful" and "Dead" is damn catchy to me.
This is totally self serving blog about me and my life. I tend to be one of those people who write really long email messages to you that you always skip over or delete so this will be a place for me to write whatever the fuck I want to write about. Yes, this blog will have profanity once in awhile, mostly my reporting of insults or swears I hear about like fucktard.
About me: I was born on September Eleventh Nineteen Sixty Nine at Beverly Hospital. I wasn't much to look at but my brother still insisted on stacking logs over my crib in order to hide my existence from the world. I guess he thought he knew something that my parents didn't, it doesn't surprise me as he is a pretty smart guy.
I am going to write on a variety of topics: recovery, women, family, jobs, music, exercise, food, friendships, weird shit, art, sneakers, grateful not dead, gatorade, dogs, travel, things I miss, and anything else that crosses my mind.
I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict who for the last ten months has been moderately successful in keeping away from the stuff that almost ruined my life and I have been doing a bunch of thinking during this time. Its astounding how much more I can think about stuff when I'm not piss drunk or high on chemicals, which was an EVERYDAY occurrence for me during the last 5 years. This is why I am grateful not dead and hence the title of this blog. I also like the Grateful Dead so any recovery phrase that has the words "Grateful" and "Dead" is damn catchy to me.
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