Today is Thursday December Thirty First, the last fucking day of Two Thousand Oh Nine. Other than Oh Nine, the rest of the Oh's can go fuck themselves. Was not the best decade for Mr. Todd Miller. I am going to list my good thoughts and my bad thoughts for this decade and see which one comes up the best. I dunno, my time on earth in the last ten years was pretty wretched.
Let me see, I broke my scapula, ruptured my patellar tendon, walked off my job without having another one, got a DWI, had my heart broken and burned into a small cinder, became addicted to heroin and alcohol, totaled my mom's volvo, visited a friend in federal prison, and started smoking again. Bing Bing Bing, we have a winner, but since I am an optimist I will now list the good things that happened:
Chirp...chirp...chirp...chirp....oh, the Patriots, Red Sox, and Celtics all won championships ! Woo woo, something that totally has nothing to do with me that I can latch on to ! I did enjoy watching all the winning when I was personally losing every fucking day. Fuckity fuck in a cup, thats what my life was like. Throwing up almost daily from too much heroin or too much booze or not enough heroin or not enough booze. That was sweet, so fucking glad that I decided to do that. Yay ! Lost friends, lost experiences, just lost. My glass was half empty with a major crack on the side where my life leaked out. Boo on me and fuck you too was my motto for so many years. This was the decade that my addictions turned pro, I was unable to only use on weekends or even nightly. No baby, I had to use first thing in the morning, in the middle of the night, at lunch time. Remember LA in Oh Six ? No, why not? Don't you remember that you picked up an eight ball of crystal meth and just mailed it in for a week. Didn't even want to hang with your nephews or family just the meth. The stuff dreams are crushed with. I'm glad that shit isn't around here and I don't know any 'mos who use it or I would have been addicted to that shit as well.
Ok, thats enough. Good things that happened last decade that I personally was involved in. Music, saw a shit ton of music and met a bunch of people thru it. That was good. Being the best man at my Brother's wedding, that was awesome. Going to my friend Micheal's wedding in Fresno. Awesome. The three times I got to go to Burning Man, that was epic. Making new friends and meeting new people. My nephews being born, awesome. So I guess some good shitty shit shit happened in the last decade but that bad shitty shit shit totally outweighs the good.
What was the best thing for me the entire decade of the Oh's ? On January Twentieth I checked into a detox and on the Twenty First I woke up there sober. Best decision I have ever made, much better than going to jail or killing myself. I gave myself three options that weekend and thought about them the entire time while drinking a case of beer and a bunch of my Dad's wine. Detox, Jail, or a bullet in my brain. I thought about each one, the pros and cons, the debate raged in my head. Going to detox is admitting that you don't have control over your life anymore and that you need help managing it. Who the fuck wants to turn your life over to someone else even for a second ? I sure as hell didn't but I was too much of a fucking pussy to put a bullet in my head. Jail seemed like a good idea at the time and I was trying to think of non violent ways to get locked up for a couple of years. I figured that I could find some houses were nobody was home and burn them down or something. Or maybe steal cars or break into homes, something that was certain to get me five or ten years in the clink. I'd get sober and check out of life at the same time. What a fucking dealio !
Thankfully I choose detox as my final answer. I told myself that if Barak Obama made it to his inauguration that I would seek professional help. I was just looking back at my emails from that time period to make sure that my sobriety date was what I thought it was and boy oh boy are there some fucking strange emails. You can almost see the fail occurring right in front of my eyes. I consider myself very lucky to have had the resources available and the support of my family and friends. It sorta makes me sick to my stomach when I think about those days and how dark my life was. Thank baby jebus have had the strength to work on my recovery, this has been an interesting ride so far and I am looking forward it continuing the effort. The pretty girls do help in my enjoyment of AA but I also like the brotherhood and fellowship I feel with the other dudes.
So in summary, all of the years in the "Oh's" sucked total ass except for Oh Nine.
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