Weekend in Jail - Maine Style

Today is Wednesday March Thirty First Two Thousand Ten. Among other things like the morning, I like my Wednesdays in sobriety. Can't really tell you why except that its a good day to pause and reflect on how the week is going. I need to complete a certain amount of tasks weekly at work and Wednesday can tell me if I am going to have a tough next couple of days. Every other Wednesday I go back to Parker house and attend a meeting that is related to my subutex therapy. While many of the fellow attendees make me crazy its the guy that runs the place who I really enjoy interacting with. He was one of the professionals who has made an major impact on my sobriety. He treated me with dignity, respect, and tolerance when I first got sober and that was really important to me at the time. We are about the same age and he is a local so its always interesting to talk with him. He stuck his neck out for me just a couple of days into sobriety and he didn't have to do that. I am glad he did and I am walking proof that these recovery programs can work for longer than the couple of weeks that you attend them for. I have given cards to the staff a couple of times and even bought him and my doc some Starfucks gift cards around the holidays. I could tell that was probably one of the first times that a patient had given them such a thing.

Since there hasn't been any major trauma or romantic interest in my life I am going to continue with the theme of incarceration. I am going to write about my second time behind bars and then about what it is like to have a best friend in prison for an extended period of time. That will prove to me a fairly long piece of writing since I want to relate what it was like when he was busted, waiting for sentencing, traveling to the prison to drop him off, visiting him in prison, and what it was like after he was released. It was a very tough time in my life but all I did was think how fucking tough it must have been for the guy who was locked up. In comparison what I went thru was nothing too traumatic.

So after many near misses I was finally busted for drive while totally fucked up on Christmas 2007. I was in my dad's car and driving like a maniac so I could get back to Boston in time to see my heroin dealer. I was honking at people, flashing lights, passing on the right, the whole masshole deal. I was pulled over in Brunswick, ME and blew a 2.7 for the osciferrshs. They were not impressed and either was the judge as he said that someone with that high of a blood alcohol content at three in the afternoon clearly had a drinking problem. Thanks, dick I didn't ask for the editorial just what do I need to do for the state of Maine. Since this was my first DWI anywhere they said that I had to attend a weekend workshop with a bunch of other drunks in Freeport, Maine. I thought that while it was a waste of time that I could deal with it and it was far better than spending any amount of time in the klinky. I was scheduled to participate in this program some weekend in April so I made plans to take the bus, then a cab up to the school whose grounds I would be improving that weekend.

When I arrived at the school and presented my documents the officer in charge said that my name wasn't on his list and that we would get back to me. An hour or so later he then told me to turn around and assume the position. One I was cuffed and stuffed in the back of his truck he told me that I was supposed to have attended the program a month earlier and since I didn't show up for that a bench warrant had been issued for my arrest. He said that while I did have a paper the law was the law and I was going to jail till at least Monday. I had planned to be back at work on Monday so he let me use my cell phone to call my boss so that I could inform him of the change in plans. I purposely left a message on his desk phone voicemail and while this allowed me not to talk with him personally, it came to bite me in the ass later.

After I was photographed, finger printed, poked & prodded by a doc I was issued a bright orange jumpsuit complete with slip on sneakers and brought to a "pod". A pod is just a group of perhaps sixty criminals in double cells with entertainment, exercise gear, and places to sit and eat. Since they didn't know exactly when I would be released they placed me in a long term pod where the average inmate was serving a term of six months. I learned later that in Maine when you are sentenced to jail they will allow you to serve out your sentence in weekends so that you don't lose your job. Pretty cool of you ask me but its almost like being grounded by the Portland Sheriffs office for the weekend. I was placed in a cell by myself and locked in with my thoughts till it was time for breakfast.

The reason why so many people get fat in jail is two fold; one: eating is probably the most pleasurable and important part of your day and two: they don't exactly give you a high fiber/low calorie diet. Someone told me that there was a Wendy's factory nearby where they produced food for the chain and everything they couldn't use was sold to the jail. I don't remember much about the food there except that it was bland, cold, salty, and soggy. You are not supposed to enjoy your stay in the klink and the food was nothing to write home about. I remember sitting at the little table in my cell writing for lack of anything better to do till the library cart came by. I was surprised by the selection and quickly choose two Stephen King books that I had already read thinking "What the fuck, I'm in Maine and King makes me feel good when I am reading his writing." Every couple of pages I would write secret messages to whomever would read the book next, just stupid stuff but I hope it entertains the next reader.

I met a variety of characters while in jail and due to its location african americans were rare rather than in numbers. Due to this there wasn't any racial separation, everyone interacted with each other pleasantly but I found the white guys very racist once a black guys back was turned. I think that racism is based in fear and I am pretty sure these while convicts were just afraid of the black guys. People fear what they don't understand and it was easier for them to be racist rather than accepting. There was this one guy from Philadelphia who was called, surprisingly, "Philly" who was in the klink for crask possession. He had been busted at the train station with what he called a few bags which I later found out to be a few pounds of crack. Someone had ratted on him and I shudder to think what the effect of a couple pounds of crack would have on the city of Portland, ME. For those who don't know, crack is normally measured in grams and there are twenty eight grams in an ounce and sixteen ounces in a pound. No, I didn't have to look that up, deal drugs for long enough and that shit is burned in your memory. I met this old heroin addict from the Ukraine who was very interesting and had me beat with a 2.8 BAC when he was busted. There was another long hair there and after speaking with him for a few we found that we had mutual friends from Dead tour. I met a guy who forged checks for a living, I didn't think people floated paper anymore in this digital age. Maybe thats why he was caught but someone mentioned that this guy had made upwards of a hundred thousand dollars on his last scam that was never recovered. A disturbing amount of guys were there for domestic violence and it was hard to talk to someone who beats his woman.

I had a bunch of time to think when I was locked up but none of it was about sobriety. Sure, I was there because of my drinking if you think about it but due to a paperwork screw up I was actually in jail. I pestered the COs all weekend about my case and one guy promised to look into it for me but nothing could happen till Monday afternoon after the morning court session. True enough I was released on Monday afternoon and the first thing I did was go to a Chinese restaurant and eat a bunch of spare ribs and drank a couple of zombies. After that I bought a twelve pack of bud and jumped on the bus back to Boston. I split the twelvie with a cute but porky girl in the back of the bus and regaled her with stories of my weekend in jail. She wasn't the brightest bulb on the planet and I declined when she asked me for my number. Thinking back that was probably a rude thing to do but I was half in the bag and all I had on my mind was to get a couple bags of heroin and forget the weekend even happened.

I mentioned earlier that I had notified my boss of the change in plans by leaving a message on his desk voicemail. Well the pinhead neglected to check his messages so an all points bulletin went out in regards to my whereabouts. I cow worker even stopped by my house to see if I was ok, which is touching. He finally checked his messages and called the search off and I didn't find out about any of this till I arrived home later that evening. I had left my cell phone at home knowing that I coudln't have it in this program I was going to attend. What I want to know is if you are looking for someone because they didn't show up for work wouldn't you check all of your possible voicemails before issuing a "Where the fuck is he ?" search ? Just proves to me again how out of touch with reality my boss is and it amazes me that he was able to not only get a girlfriend, but marry and have kids with the woman.

Did I learn anything about that weekend ? Yes, always call the sheriff's office before you interact with them, jail food does indeed suck, paper hanging is still alive and well, white people are still afraid of black people, and I will do whatever it is I can not to get another DUI/DWI again. I believed so much in that last point that I stopped driving altogether and took my car off the road. Since I was drunk all the time anyway, why risk getting caught for that I have to spend lots of money getting out of it and have the possibility of jail. One of the things I told myself when I began my recovery was that I wouldn't get my license back till I had a year of sobriety. I need to complete a maine drunk driving education course and pay a ton of money but I plan to do that by the end of the summer.

Jacksonville Jailtime Part Two

Today is Tuesday March Thirtieth Two Thousand Ten. Its been raining so hard that I posted a pic of a fucking puppy on my facebook page yesterday to cheer some people up. Someone asked if I was getting soft in my old age and I guess that I am. He was a super cute puppy as far as puppies go and god damn do I want a dog of my own. Last nites meeting was interesting due to the speaker and the business meeting afterward. The speaker is a good friend of mine in his second year of sobriety who has shown me that its ok to be happy and relaxed in the program. He def does not take himself too seriously and seems to have a great attitude. The biz meeting sucked because I sorta let it get out of hand, people always seem to make a big deal out of things I don't think are all that important. I was tired and not paying attention and before I knew it there were twenty or so exited & expectant faces looking at me. I am sure I will do better next time and I am certainly going to be better prepared for it. I am having a problem saying anything positive to a member who is going thru a difficult time because I don't want to be patronizing to her. I don't have any idea of what she is going thru and other than saying hello I am for once at a loss for words. I used to be at a loss for words with her because I find her attractive and I've gotten over that only to mumble a greeting when I see her. Perhaps thats all she needs from me right now but I tire of acting like a fifth grader around her.

So back to jail. They brought us into the dormitory in the late morning and assigned us to rooms. We were presented with a pillow, sheet, blanket, and towel and I started worrying a bit. This seemed to be way to permanent for someone who should be released in a few hours. It was obvious that someone was an occupant of the cell I was in so I just placed my stuff on the floor and started walking around. There were a couple of living room areas with battered televisions bolted to the ceilings and most of the discussion was centered around what everyone wanted to watch. Words started getting exchanged so I quickly left there not wanting to get involved in any sort of fight. There was some racial separation so I went over to a couple of other confused looking white guys and started a conversation. The first thing you talk about in jail is why you ended up there and how you are innocent of the crime in which you are accused. My crime of prowling and the story behind it was turning out to be a good ice breaker and pretty soon I was talking with a couple of guys.

One in particular stands out in my memory. He was about my age and appeared to be well dressed and took care of himself. He was incarcerated for crack possession and it was his third offense that year. He told me how he just couldn't say no and that crack was the worst thing he had ever tried. He started tearing up and described how his life was going down the shitter because he just couldn't stop. This was my first experience with an addict and I felt sorry for him because I just couldn't identify with his feeling of helplessness. I was dealing cocaine at the time so I was familiar with the drug but didn't understand the whole deal of smoking it. I still don't understand, I think smoking cocaine is the pits. Since he had been a guest of the Jax sheriff's department on other occasions I asked if it was ok for me to tag along with him so I wouldn't get me ass kicked.

Pretty soon they rounded us up and into a line for lunch. This also worried me because I figured that if they were feeding me then they planned to keep me there for longer than I had previously thought. We were marched into the dining hall and presented with a tray, cupn & spork. I don't remember everything that was on the menu that day but I do remember the following: a fish sandwich, peas, butterscotch pudding, a fruit cup, & punch. I followed my new acquaintance to an empty table and started chasing the peas around the tray with my spork. I was halfway into my pudding when this absolutely gigantic african american fellow came over and asked me something. I did not understand a word he was saying because his accent and vocabulary was very different from what I was used to. I pointed to various items on my tray and it became clear to me that he was indicating he desired my fish sandwich. Since there was no fucking way I was going to say no to this guy and I think that processed fish is really fucking nasty I gave him whatever he wanted. All I remember is how little the fish sandwich looked in his giant paw.

Pretty soon we were herded back to the dormitory and I figured I would check out my cell. When I arrived the other occupant was there napping on the top bunk. I very quietly turned around to get the fuck out of there and he sat up and said hello. He was a black guy in his late forties and if I remember correctly was named Irwin. Irwin turned out to be a pretty nice guy and didn't seem threatening in any way. We talked for awhile and he told me that since it was his birthday that day he had something special planned. A presented me with a pinner joint and proceeded to light it up. Yep, I got stoned in the Jax jail with a black guy named Irwin. I thought it would be rude to say no and figured it would calm me a bit. Wrong. Getting stoned in jail totally sucks, esp if you have no idea when you are getting the fuck out of there. I decided to try an nap a bit since I had not slept in more than forty hours.

I was dreaming I was somewhere else when I heard my name. Irwin shook me on the shoulder and asked me if my name was Todd and if so I better go see what the guard wanted with me. The first thing I thought of was that I had somehow gotten busted for the two or three hits of dirt weed I had smoked a little while ago but I tore ass to where the entrance was. I watched the guard walking away for a few moments before I was able to get his attention and he turned around and asked me what I wanted. I explained who I was and that I heard my name being called and that it was good for me that I had gotten his attention or I would have spent the night there. He asked me if I needed to go back to my cell for anything I since it was Irwin's birthday and I had smoked his present that he could use the extra bedding so I told him no and followed the guard down the hall.

I ended up getting released on my own recognizance at four in the afternoon. I spent roughly sixteen hours in the custody of the Jax sheriffs office and till I met Irwin I was completely sober. My car was towed but the officers didnt seem to care about the stolen sign that was tied to the surf racks of my volvo. I was on a fraternity scavenger hunt and we had to get something large with a picture of a baby on it. There were also assorted other stolen items in the car that the po-po never asked about and I consider myself very lucky on that count. I will never forget the nervous then joyous faces of my pledge brothers that were waiting for me when I walked out of the jail. I will also never forget the Burger King double bacon cheeseburger I had soon after I was released. It and freedom was awesome.

Jacksonville Jailtime Part One

Today is Monday March Twenty Ninth Two Thousand Ten. I guess one good thing about working on a Sunday is that you can't really have a case of the Mondays. Sometimes my optimism wears on even me by saying something as asinine as that. I am actually quite happy today as I am rested and ready to get some shit done today. I managed to take care of a couple of things right off the bat this morning so I may have time to write a letter for a guy facing some time in jail. He has been a valuable member of AA and I'd like to help him but I don't know how much it will. He is a lifetime criminal who is facing two years in jail but has a chance to serve much less than that if his sentencing goes well. Whats interesting is to see all the outrage that other members of AA feel towards the establishment due to this and the thing is the guy says that he is guilty. I am certain that he is guilty of much more than what he happened to get caught for. I personally think that he should just plead out and serve what they give him and thats that but as I am not the one facing jail time my opinion doesn't really matter. I've been in jail overnight twice and since I have not written any war stories for awhile I'd relate some of my experiences about it here.

The first time I spent a nite in jail was in Jacksonville, FLA then the crack capitol of the USA. I was the president of my pledge class and due to our trespassing in a cemetery someone had to deal with the police. Since it was my car that the police were interested in the decision was pretty easy. At that point my driver's door didn't work so when the po-po asked me to "step out of the car" I went to scoot over to the passenger side. The cop rightly saw this as an escape attempt so he hauled me out the window, threw me to the ground, then cuffed & stuffed me into his cruiser. I made up some story about dating a goth chick who was kinky and they hauled this yankee off to jail. On the way to the jail which in Jacksonville in huge, he must have stopped and told four or five other cruisers the story of how he had a yankee in the back who he had arrested for trying to make nooky in a cemetery. They all seemed to think that is was hilarious and since I was wearing a button down, bermuda shorts, and flip flops, really strange.

I arrived to the jail and was ushered onto a bench for intake. Intake is not booking, all they do there is to really search you, take the cuffs away, give you some documents with your charges on it, and affix a hospital like wristband. As I stood up to be searched the guy next to me motioned to the floor where I saw about ten to fifteen crack vials on the ground. I then told the cop to look down before he searched me so that I wouldn't be blamed for the crack. I believe to this day that if that guy hadn't told me about those vials that I would have been charged with possession and that would have really sucked. I was given my "charge sheet" and then escorted into another cell to wait to be transferred into another cell to wait for booking. It was here that I finally found that I was charged with "prowling" and all the other criminals thought that was really hilarious. You learn to swallow your pride in jail pretty fucking quickly and I went with the lie that I told the po-po, that I was going to meet a chick for some kink. The criminals thought that was an excellent motive and the only problem was that I had gotten caught before I had gotten any.

After a long period of time I was moved to a purple cell to wait to be called for booking. I will remember this cell for a few reasons, one was that it was an ungodly shade of purple. All the other cells were either green or off white but this one was purple and I think perhaps that since you are supposed to go talk to someone that it is supposed to calm you. I will also remember this cell because my friend who had pointed out the crack vials to me helped me yet again. A new guy was brought in to the cell and my friend told me to stay the fuck away from him. I quickly found out why. After a few minutes of rummaging around his cuffs he produced some crack, a cigarette, and a lighter. He then started smoking it in the corner of the cell and about ten minutes later a CO came in super pissed and demanded to know who was responsible for the crack smell. After many threats the guy who was smoking the crack pointed to some other guy and the CO took the both of them away.

After some indeterminable amount of time I found myself at a desk in the central booking office of the Jacksonville jail. I got the whole whats a nice guy like you speech and I continued with my goth girl story. I could see that the booking lady felt sorry for me but there wasn't anything she could do except place my file at the top of the magistrate pile. They didn't seem to know what to do with me because of my strange charge and since I didn't have a record. I was brought to yet another holding cell and by now it was too late for the morning court session so they brought me to a dormitory type area. We had to walk outside for awhile and we were all shackled together and they guy next to me showed how he wasn't really cuffed at all and how stupid the guards were. I didn't mention his ankle cuffs as I didn't want to appear unenthusiastic in making fun of the CO's and just smiled.

I think what sucks the most about jail for me is that you have no idea what fucking time it is. Granted being locked up sucks and all that but I like to know what time it is. When I arrived at this dormitory area I was glad to see there were clocks on the wall and it was just after eight in the morning. I had been in the Jax jail system for six hours and I didn't really know what was going to happen next. My friend from earlier was there and while he knew I was a rookie at all of this I didn't want to appear completely weak and afraid. I knew that they would let me go eventually, it was just a matter of seeing a judge and I didn't know how long that would take. I'm going to stop here because there is much more to relate about this experience.

Decisions & Sarah Palin

Today is Sunday March Twenty Eighth Two Thousand Ten. Palm Sunday. I forget the exact significance of the palm leaves but I remember as a kid always liking PS because we got something to take home from the church. Next weekend is Easter which for some reason is a big deal for my family. We are not, as a rule, religious but mom always wants to get together for dinner. I tried my hardest to explain that the Sunday bus schedule wouldn't fit their dinner time plans but my pop volunteered to drive back on Sunday night. Once again Merlin gets the award for most patient husband. Yep, my pop's name is Merlin, I never thought it was a weird name growing up but I guess it is. So it looks like I will be going to Maine next weekend after the Quaker Friend's meeting.

Yesterday's Quaker Friend's meeting was very interesting for a couple of reasons. First the speaker was a friend of mine who is insanely bizarre and always makes people feel uncomfortable when he speaks. He is very honest and doesn't care what people think when he speaks his mind. He comes from a fairly fucked up family and it had a major impact on his life. He is also somewhat bitter at the treatment he perceived as receiving when he first got into the program. He didn't believe that people welcomed him with open arms and that he had to work to gain people's trust and confidence. I wasn't there and shouldn't have an opinion on it but come on, thats the way life works. Evidently he has been in and out of the program quite a few times so people didn't know if he was serious or not. He called the group out pretty harshly and it shows what an impact AA has on people's lives. That he cares that much about AA to still be pissed off about his treatment to mention it at a meeting twelve years later is amazing to me. Time to let it go dude.

The second thing that happened yesterday was the announcement by a member that they were going to stop care for her mother. This is a nice way of saying that the are no longer going to prolong her mom's life and that the organs that are supported by machines will fail eventually ending her life. Pretty harsh decision in my opinion and not an easy one, signing something that would mean the end of your mother's life. One positive thing I can think if is that perhaps the tremendous pressure that she has been living with dealing with her mom will be lifted once she is thru mourning. I know and care about this person and its been very difficult to watch her breakdown repeatedly when speaking about her mom. Normally she is a very sweet and polite woman but when she talks about what she has and is going thru that all gets thrown out the window. One of the many amazing things about the program is that every fucking person in that room feels empathy for her and only wishes her the best during this ordeal. I hope that she is able to rationalize this decision as the best one for both her family AND herself and that life has much to offer her after the dark times.

I often wonder whats going to happen with my mother and father when they can no longer care for themselves. If I am still in the area I will be the local brother to deal with whatever needs to be dealt with and I am fine with that. Not only is that something that kids do for their parents but its something that I feel I owe to myself to get thru. If you can watch someone you love get sick & die in front of your eyes and get thru it ok, there isn't much other stuff you can't handle. I know that probably sounds very self serving but I like to think of it more as optimism. Trying to see the silver lining and all that shit. I will do whatever it takes to help my family because I want to. Its beyond feeling like I owe it to them or something, its just something that will be done when the time comes. Both my folks are healthy and have living will but you never know whats going to happen or when its going to be. You just have to be as prepared as you can for whatever happens and deal with it honestly. I have spoken in my brother about this eventuality and I think we are on the same page with whatever happens to them. Pretty fucking morbid I know but its something that needs to be thought about and discussed.

I was at the gym this morning at as usual they were blasting KISS108 over the speakers. I was trying my best to ignore all the Lady Gaga when a tune came on that I recognized. I couldn't place it but then the "dj" came over the broadcast and announced that what just played was by rap group "The Nice Boys" (or boyz, it is rapanguage after all). I saw the NB's open up for Bajafondo at SXSW and I smiled smugly to myself when I made that connection. In my awesome opinion that is the best thing about SXSW, how different on the musical spectrum you can go when you are there. Thats probably the thing I took away most from my time there, keep and open mind and sometimes the dude of music will reward you for your patience. Did I really like John Hiatt when he played ? No, but I got to meet Jack Cassidy and some famous rapper when I was listening to the opener "Band Of Heathens". Which, by the way, is an awesome name for a band. Sorta like Fuzzy's new band, Caravan Of Thieves. Sometimes names just fit together like peanut butter & jelly, or sex & chocolate, or idiocy & Sarah Palin.

Ah, Sarah Palin. My higher power's unintentional gift to comedy in politics. I would be willing to give her a break if she wasn't so fucking annoying. I used to think that anytime there is a woman vp candidate for anything that would be a good thing but Palin has driven that from my mind. I don't know if she knows she is annoying or not but she continues to be a boil on our two party system. Even my mother doesn't like her and she has been a member of the League Of Women Voters since it started. Granted she isn't a repub and Palin is but the fact she doesn't even respect her is interesting. Placing aside all the shady political shit she has been involved in I just don't like her. I didn't like her before she opened her mouth and now its even worse. My seventh grade math teacher told me once that I had "diarrhea of the mouth" and I believe that fits with ole Sarah. No matter what crap she is saying has any truth to it or not, her voice and accent cuts thru me like that bad bbq did the other week. Bad, bad, bad. Luckily she will be visiting Boston in the spring and if I am a really good boy I can go hear her speech to the Boston Tea Party.

Happy Funky

Today is Friday March Twenty Sixth Two Thousand Ten. I am slowing down a bit on my blog, not from lack of things to say but I'm just super busy going to the gym, working, and AA. I never thought I'd say this but its been really nice to get back into my regular routine because it makes me feel comfortable. I'm still very amped about the whole SXSW experience and have already been attempting to talk my friend from Atlanta into going next year. I've been looking at plane fares for the ACL festival in October and I think that thats a def go. I am going to fly into Austin and out of Dallas because its only going to cost me about fifty bucks to do so and it would enable me to be a bit more flexible. Unless ACL has a very bad lineup this year I am most certainly going.

I have so many people whom I call sobriety cheerleaders who are an important part of my program. These are people who are not in the program but have been touched by my ability to stay sober for so (in my life so far) long. One of them said that she was proud that I was able to stay sober in Austin and I responded that since I was so good at drinking I should be even better at sobriety. Thats the major disconnect between alcoholics and normal people, they just don't understand why we drink. I am not going to succumb to drinking again just because I am around others who are. It would have to take a really bad situation for me to pick up again and I hope to never kid myself that I can drink like a normal person. I drank mouthwash to get drunk for gods sake, at six in the morning before work ! Normal people jut don't fucking do that no matter how freaky they are. Anyway, its very special to me to have friends who care so much for me that my sobriety matters and is in their minds.

I went to my first meeting in a week last nite, the longest its been since I've been sober. I wasn't freaking out or anything but it did feel good to be part of Cambridge AA again. I missed seeing the people who have been a part of this journey with me and it def relaxed me. I go to five or six meetings a week because I genuinely enjoy attending them not because I feel I have to. Its good to be reminded of other's problems I guess, I don't need any reminder that I belong in AA I can just think about what I wrote in the previous paragraph if I need any sort of sign. I am by no means invincible with my sobriety but I do know how to read my feelings and how to reach out to others if I am feeling bad funky. I am looking forward to tonight and tomorrow's meetings and catching up with some folks I have not seen for a few weeks. Thats always a good thing to me.

I know I've written about this before but I'm going to again. I am having some serious problems with my sponsor. I don't think that he means anything, its just the way he is. I have a serious problem with people who are late to events they are supposed to meet me at. He knows this. We were supposed to meet at six fifteen for a seven o'clock Celtics game. He called me at six forty five and told me he was leaving and when I called him thirty minutes later he told me he was till thirty minutes away. So he was over ninety minutes late to something he has two weeks to plan for. I realize that stuff comes up but please either send me an email or call me when you know you are running late. Fifteen minutes I can understand, thirty if you are taking the mbta but ninety ? I almost said something I would regret and all was forgiven but I am still fired up about it. It goes beyond that cash I spent for his ticket or anything like that. If he can't even manage his own life then how the hell is he going to be able to help with mine ? I realize thats a super shitty thing to say but I'm just being honest. I know I should talk with him about it rather than letting it fester like it is but I'm afraid of what I am going to say. If I was to send him an email about it he wouldnt fucking read it for a week.

Ok, enough about that. Time for bummer paragraph number two. My favorite living guitar player was in town last nite and I even had a hot female to go with but I didn't end up going. I didn't attend because Randy would be there and I didn't want to deal with him. Not in front of other people, thats some shit we should work out alone. The problem is that I don't know if I want to work it out with him anymore. Maybe our friendship is over and we should just go our separate ways like we have been and just remember the good times. I was going thru a bunch of old pics the other weekend and he was in three quarters of them. It sucked. Perhaps we have grown apart and due to my sobriety we don't have anything in common anymore. That would suck as well because I always thought that our friendship went beyond just getting blasted all the time. Maybe I was wrong about that, he told me this summer that he didn't know how to hang out with me sober and I told him fine, get wasted when you are around me. I don't give a shit. I can't believe I gave out hanging out with my best smelling female friend because of my former best friend. I don't know what sort of girly potion she uses but it smells awesome, I can tell when she is near because I smell her first. Don't think I'm going to mention that while in the friend zone.

So I weighed myself when I got back from vacation and I was back to two thirty four. I wasn't surprised because I did eat fat & sugar like a champ when I was there but I thought gaining ten pounds in ten days was a bit extreme. Then I weighed myself this morning at the gym and I'm at two twenty four ? What the fuck ? Did I not read the scale correctly or something, did I have ten pounds of pennies in my ass ? So now that I am back to my routine I am back to the gym. It is my intention to do at least thirty minutes of cardio a day for thirty days and I started this today. I just want to see if I can do it and of course get the positives out of it. I am also going to start seeing how much I can increase my weight on some of the machines and really push myself for a month. Just to see. I am already getting definition in my arms and shoulders and while I still have a belly the muscles underneath it are getting stronger. If there is one thing I regret about not getting sober before Oh Nine is not getting into shape sooner. I not only like how I feel but working out is a cool experience in its self.

All things considered I feel great and very lucky to be where I am in life right now. Sure, I'd like to have some intimate female companionship but that will happen in time. I enjoy working for CHB and if this transfer doesn't work out I will be fine with that. I am experiencing life in a way that I didn't think was possible or probable. Sure there are challenges in my life some of which I just had a bitch fest about but they are not insurmountable anymore. When I was using every day was a battle to get out of bed and face something beyond the bottle or the television set. I am happy funky today and have been that way for most of my sobriety so far. One of the best pieces of advice out of many I have received is not to take yourself too seriously. I take my sobriety seriously and everything else may or may not fall into place. I don't know why I've been so lucky in my early sobriety, I have worked hard but it has not been nearly as difficult as I thought it was going to be. Before I got sober I gave myself a few months but when I was in actual detox I made a promise to myself that I would do whatever it took never to return to a place like that and well, with the people that were in there. I am too smart, educated, happy, and vital to ever be a slave to alcohol again. I'm not vain either !

Back In The Boston

Today is Tuesday March Twenty Third Two Thousand Ten. Back in Boston. Once again I got stuck in the fucking Milwaukee airport and the fucking pre security personnel and the telephone people couldn't tell me how long the flight would be delayed. No, I had to go thru the security screening bullshit every time I needed to get an update of when the fucking plane was going to fucking take off. I don't understand how hard it is for them to have a "master" schedule so that the left foot knows what the right foot is doing. Its like they want angry people to wait around the gates rather than enjoying the fresh fucking air of Wisconsin. I am sure its not the General Mitchel airport, that it happens everywhere but it just seems stupid. I went thru the security checkpoint four times and each time they searched me like I was trying to smuggle small children in my backpack. This one lady told me that I couldn't keep going back and forth thru security and that I had to wait at the gate. When I asked her why she didn't have an answer and I told her that if I could either get the correct info from the ticketing people or if I could smoke cigars in the airport then this wouldn't have to happen. She didn't seem to have any suggestions.

Yes, smoking cigars now. I was walking down Sixth Street in Austin and I didn't feel cool enough so I picked up a package of Tiparillo cigars to puff away when I was walking around checking things out. I don't think it made me look any cooler but I certainly felt cooler and thats what was important at that particular time. I am telling myself that this is better than smoking ciggys because I don't inhale the smoke and that I am not really smoking again but I really like them. In fact, I am going to buy another five pack when I get the hell out of work today. I dunno will see how that goes, I gained seven fucking pounds over the vacation because I ate like ass and I am none too proud of that either. But I am not drinking or using heroin and thats the important thing to remember.

SXSW was and will continue to be amazing. I am going to the Austin City Limits Festival since flights to Dallas are well under two hundred dollars and its great to be able to see the family as well. I am going to keep that on the radar and pick up plane tickets in the next couple of months. Even if a bunch of the bands suck ass there is still plenty of stuff to do in Austin anyway. Its from October eighth to the tenth so I reckon I will fly out on a Thursday spend the weekend plus a day or two in Austin and then cruise back to Dallas for the rest of the time. I'd have to take six days off of work and since I don't really give a shit what they think then that works for me. The only problem with my plan is if I either get a new job within CHB or somewhere else so I'd have to pull the "well if you hire me I need a week off in Rocktober. I dunno, Austin and Texas in general is just way too cool to let something like work get in the way of it.

Man, I have not been to a meeting for a few days and I am feeling it. I am either going to go to this shitty meeting in Cambridge that I don't like tonight or skip working out and go to the Hair Of The Dog meeting tomorrow morning. I don't like to skip working out, esp since the extra poundage but it would enable me to remind my sponsor that we have a basketball game tomorrow nite. I know that if I didn't remind him he would forget and I would be fairly pissed off about it. What I would really like to do it to get out of here in twenty minutes go directly home, watch the rest of the Denzel movie I've been watching and crash early. That would make me happy but instead I will probably go to this fucking meeting and do my normal routine so I can start losing weight again.

Oh, one last thing to write about for today. I broke my Kindle yesterday and thought all was lost. I've dropped it a couple of times and the screen stopped working. Not only was I pissed that I broke the fucking thing but also that I couldn't keep reading the book I was in the middle of. One good thing about the WI airport is that they have a used bookstore and sure enough there was the book I was reading although the bastards charged me five bucks for a used book. Anyway, I called amazon kindle service today expecting to be pissed off and I was pleasantly surprised to find out they will send me a new one and then after I receive it I send them back my broken one. I was fully expecting to go totally apeshit with the poor customer service person and that didn't have to happen. First my camera and now the kindle, I keep waiting to get totally fucked by technology and I am certainly not going to let my guard down for even a moment.

Austin

Today is Saturday March Twentieth Two Thousand Ten. Have not written in a while not because stuff has not been happening but rather I've been a bit busy here in the great state of Texas. Have only been to a couple of meetings, my ability to operate an alarm clock because for some reason I've missed three meetings because of it. The one meeting I did get to in Austin I met this cool cat who I later hung out with at the Ozomatli show and will look him up the next time I'm in Austin. At the moment I am witnessing some major rainy Saturday morning combat between my nephews and the little one has been admonished to my room to play with legos. The older one was fired up about something, don't really know yet but I am sure he will tell me all about it.

So I got down to Austin in the late afternoon and was checked into my hotel by five. I showered and ordered a steak and before I knew it I was dozing off due to the very comfy hotel bed. I saw that it was nine and decided to hit it early and get up at five thirty to hit the six am meeting. Good way to start my first real SXSW and I'd be ready to see stuff all day. I woke up at two am with severe intestinal distress that lasted well into the late afternoon. I was able to marshal my strength for Motorhead and lasted about two hours. I went back to a newly cleaned toilet, the poor cleaning lady, and crashed again till seven the next morning where I was going to meet the day with an eight thirty aa meeting and see some music.

I was able to make it to the planned meeting that was in a clubhouse a few miles away from my hotel. I met this guy mark who has similar music tastes and is very on my level. Some people, esp people who are into music, I feel almost an immediate connection with. Thats one of the big reasons I love music so much is that total connection you have with someone who is into it as much as you are. Anyway, the meeting was an open discussion and I didn't yap. I went back to hotel and strategized my assault on sixth and congress.

I decided that I would first hit the New Orleans showcase at Momo's on the west end of sixth street. Anders Osborn and a guy from the Dirty Dozen Brass Band were playing with a bunch of other folks. I ended up getting there at about two in the afternoon and enjoyed myself. I decided to head to the lower part of east sixth street to check how these Texans celebrate Saint Patrick's Day. Even tho I never really went out and celebrated the holiday when I was active and I'm not Irish I think that since I'm from Boston I should know about such things. It was what I expected, lots of drunk people with silly hats on. I could deal with about an hour of it and as it was nearing that point my friend from Tabor called me. Scott was one my best friends and business partners in high school. We were thick as thieves and knew each other's secret stash spots. We had a nice little distribution ring going and then he had to go pass out and break his jaw. Ruined everything for awhile and went into negative cash flow. Bad thing to do when you don't have rich parents.

Scott and I were such good friends because he was from the smallest house in Greenich, CT. The first time I went to his house he told me it was the smallest one in his town and as we were passing mansion after mansion we came to this sweet three bedroom ranch in between two huge houses and that was it. So he knew that $$ in product was worth four or five times that in cash. He was an important cog in that wheel and I had to take unacceptable risks when he was in the hospital but such is life. I don't wax nostalgic about drug dealing but that last year and a half when we had shit dialed in was sweet. It enabled two jc penny suits surrounded in a sea of brooks brothers to live like kings. That was the awesome thing about a coat and tie dress code: more pockets.

I met up with Scott and I didn't really tell him what the deal was with me. I don't tell a friend like Scott that sorta shit over the phone. He was pretty twisted from the LA drive and the amount of canabutter cookies consumed on the drive but I was only able to hang out with him for a couple of hours. It wasn't that he was annoying or anything like that he was just looking to hop from bar to bar and flirt with girls. I just wasn't in the bar hopping mood so after a few hours I went back to the hotel after stopping for some chili relleno to go and crashed. Tomorrow was going to be a big day.

On Thursday March eighteenth I left the hotel at a little past eight in the morning and returned to my house at midnight after watching music and doing other Austin Texas sort of stuff. I saw something like sixteen bands at four venues and even found time to buy a sweet pair of boots. When I get my notes together I am going to write at least two entries about it. It was the best sober music day of my life and it was good to prove to myself that I was able to complete it. I woke up in the next day and drove the four hours back to Frisco so that I could rest my head for a couple of hours. Ludacris and the Black Eyed Peas were playing at the American Airlines Arena in Dallas. Now that was something to write home about.

Frisco Texas

Today is Saturday March Thirteenth Two Thousand Ten. I am in Texas, Dallas to be specific hanging with my brother and his family. I was so busy in the two weeks leading up to this trip that I didn't have any time to get anxious about the trip. Its an excited anxious but its anxiety all the same. It took me a long time to understand that I, like most people, suffer from anxiety but its not crippling and I don't have to be medicated for it. The flights to Dallas Fort Worth were uneventful and I really liked Midwest Express with their chocolate chip cookies. I can't believe the flights out here and back were only two hundred dollars with tax, what a bargin. I hope they stay at that price point because I plan to visit here often. Its not only awesome to see my brother and his family but Austin is a short drive south and Dallas is so different than Massachusetts.

My brother's house is a frickin' castle that is made from stone and brick. It would be even cooler if it was all by its self in its splendor but its in a development with many other houses of the same size and type. I like it however and I need to remember that not every place in the US is like my home and that many people live in sub divisions. In any event, its a whole lot nicer than anything I own and I am always welcome here. There is a giant star on the front door and many other interesting details within the home. I have my own bedroom and bathroom and a very comfy bed. Whats interesting is that the ceilings are really high, like twenty five feet high and it must have something to do with how hot it gets here in the summer months.

I got to watch my eldest nephew play baseball today and I guess you could call that another "miracle of sobriety". Whats great is that I wanted to go and enjoyed not only spending time with my family and watching Spensley play ball but also flirting with the gobs of yummy mummies that turned out to watch their offspring engage each other in sport. I seem to look at almost any activity as an opportunity to flirt with xx chromos and I need at some point to calm my raging hormones. I guess you would call that the need to get some and don't I know that. I am going to my first Texas AA meeting tonight and I am very interested in it. I am thinking that its going to be huge like everything else here and that I will enjoy myself greatly. The gym I went to this morning is about eighty percent larger than my home gym and had the most amazing selection of equipment.

Went to the biggest AA meeting I've ever attended last nite, the church was the size of a mall. It happened to be the anniversary of the group so there were about two hundred people. They had two speakers, one from Al Anon and another from AA. It was interesting to hear the Al Anon one and get her perspective. The AA speaker was probably the best speaker I've ever heard at an AA meeting and one that aspire to be like some day. He spoke for more than an hour and used language directly from the BB. It was amazing. He was also from Brooklyn so his accent stuck out quite a bit here in North Texas. I've never heard someone speak so well and so completely at a meeting before, he was really on top of things. I was walking around this gigantic church trying to find the meeting when I ran into a bunch of people doing the same. Turns out one of those people was Peter M who was the speaker, funny how things work out.

I am going to a gun range next week for the first time in many years. Guns are much more accepted in the Republic of Texas than in MA so I am going to take advantage of it. The main reason I stopped shooting is that I was always so hungover I was shaking and that isn't the best thing for your aim. I found a place that rents some high end .45's and Uzi's as well. The Uzi is fully automatic and that ought to be an interesting activity. I am looking forward to the Kimber because they are known to be the best of the best and they are illegal for purchase in Mass. If you can find an older one to purchase you can do that but you really want a new Kimber because they are so nice. They are modeled on the Colt 1911 .45 and I can't wait. I will stop writing about firearms now because I can talk about them forever.

Corey Haim's Death & My Own Mortaility

Today is Wednesday March Tenth Two Thousand Ten. I've been pretty busy at work and since I usually write in this when I drink my coffee first thing it has suffered. When I heard about the death of a celebrity this morning I figured that I had to write because not only did I grow up watching this guy's rise in Hollywood I also witnessed his spectacular crash due to drugs and alcohol. Whats interesting is that he is best known for appearing in films with his best friend and when his best friend got sober he continued using. I am NOT going to draw any comparisons between Randy and I.

So Corey Haim was found dead this morning of an apparent drug overdose. It has been reported that he had been thru fifteen detoxes and even did a short lived series with him past best friend Corey Feldman. I found the series interesting because CF was sober while CH was trying to clean up. In terms of drug abuse, CH was a superstar if he is to be believed. The amounts of rx drugs that he ingested are staggering, something like eighty five Valiums a day and I remember he once mentioned taking well over a hundred somas in one day.

Watching the series "The Two Corey's" was like watching a auto accident in slow motion. CH would be cranky because he was sober and CF would try and help his friend while also trying to placate his wife. I think the series was in oh seven and while I was still using then I thought it was fascinating. Here was a guy who seemed to have everything at fifteen and like anyone else he in that situation he lived as hard as he could. So did CF and they partied together for years. I don't know the whole story but CF decided to get and live sober while CH did not. I have a feeling that CF helped his buddy out as much as he could till it was time to distance himself from him. When you are sober you need to take care of yourself first and foremost before you can help others.

I just wrote something that I want to explore a bit more, " Getting and staying sober." Just about anyone can get sober whether they do it by themselves or are forced to do it by jail or detox. Its the staying sober that is the tough part in my opinion. To wake up every day and decide that you will not use drugs and alcohol that day and living thru the day without needing any time of crutch. To be honest I am not a hundred percent sober in my opinion. Granted I have not used any illegal drugs or alcohol but I rely on a rx'd drug to combat my opiate desires. I can't wait till I taper off that drug and hopefully that will happen in the next year. I don't get high from it but would get very, very sick if I was to stop taking it. I feel that I am living sober however, the obsession has been lifted somewhat and I don't feel like I depend on anything to get me thru the day.

Can't say that I am surprised that he overdosed. Can't say I am surprised that he had period of clean time. He seemed unable to believe that life can be lived soberly. Unless you can understand that maintaining your sobriety can be an overwhelming task. Not to say that I am challenged but I can honestly say that I really enjoy the feeling and the challenge of being sober. I also can honestly say that there is no way in hell that I can drink like a normal person. Sure, I could probably drink like a normal person for a little while, maybe fifteen minutes but in my mind I am already looking forward to the next drink. Even when I start drinking the first drink I am already worrying about where the next one is coming from. Thats the difference between me and the normal motherfuckers out there, I can't have just one, I want, I need to have as many as I can. I have proven that to myself and there is no sense in trying to convince myself that I can feel differently.

I wanted to die last winter and I mean that I no longer wanted to live, no longer wanted to deal with what I had made of my life. I didn't want to deal with (BB WARNING!) "Life On Life's Terms". I thought that nobody would give a shit if I offed myself and that would be the best decision for all concerned. I was wrong, very wrong. So many people have come up to me and told me that the way I lived and the way I live now affected them in some way. My death would have made an impression on them and not in a good way. To be sure, I am glad I didn't die. I love life, I love waking up in the morning ready to have a good day. The way I look at it any day that I don't use is a really fucking good day. I could get fired, be homeless, get into a fight with someone I care about, fall down a flight of stairs, etc but it would be a good day because at least I would be sober. If I am sober I am able to not only effect the outcome of my life but maybe, just maybe I can affect someone else's as well. I never know when to use "E"ffect and "A"ffect so I figured I would just throw them in any which way.

I think I am ready to be a sponsor for someone. Not that I have a complete handle on living sober, I don't think I will ever have that but I think that I could help someone out. I could help them work the program and by working the program perhaps they would be able to stay sober. I have an interesting relationship with my sponsor and I am a better man because of it. Yeah he frustrates me but just the fact it bothers me shows how much our relationship means to me. I hope to someday have the same effect/affect on another member of AA. Well, thats about it for now. I have written about death enough and I have a weeks worth of work to complete before Friday at 3:00pm.

QT With Mom & Communication(s)

Today is Sunday March Seventh Two Thousand Ten. Ah, a nice Sunday on the North Shore with relaxation on the menu but no, I have to go pick up sticks. Which is fine, I guess I should look on the bright side and be thankful that I don't have to get the chainsaw out and start cutting shit up like most of neighbors had to due to the wind storm. I kinda wish I had been out here for that, I would've been cool to see all the trees get jacked. Anyway, as a result of this there are a shit ton of sticks and branches that need to be picked up and drug to the burnpile. Thats right, drug not dragged. I think you most def drug shit to a burnpile and you would drag a body to a shallow grave. Now thats settled I am looking forward to moving on subjects like working out, going to the Celtics, and hanging out with old friends who try to psychoanalyze you.

Went to the gym with mumsies and it was def a new experience working out right next to her, I think that was a new one. Its nice that finally we have something that we can do together rather than sniping with one another. I've always been a bit jealous with the relationship that my mom and brother have. Whenever she visits him they go out and have lunch or brunch together followed by some mother and son activity. Obviously its easier to do that when you live far away but I can't think of too many things that mumsie and I did together after I stopped playing the piano. Its never too late to start a tradition or routine, I've proved that over this last year. I write a bunch about routines and how important they are to me. They give me a feeling of normalcy, they calm me down, and they give me something to look forward to. I find myself getting unsettled if I don't do what I normally do and I think that shows improvement. After so many years of not knowing which way was up or down it is awesome to be grounded for once.

I still speculate privately why I felt it necessary to numb myself on a daily basis. Everything that happened to me was a direct result of not living up to my responsibilities and ignoring people's advice. I was afraid of tomorrow because I wasn't dealing with today. Getting wasted gave me the ability to forget about everything and anything that I had to do. Heroin also gave me energy to do things that I didn't think I could do without it. It was the best hangover cure in a powder and I would always feel better no matter how much damage I did to myself the nite before. It was a really shitty way to live but I managed to think that it was the only way to live for many years.

I made a decision yesterday and perhaps I wrote about it in my last entry but I am going to again. I decided that when it comes to women in AA I am not going to be the one who makes the move. Meaning, that I am not going to be the one to ask someone out for coffee and conversation and that I am going to be asked. I am doing this because the last thing I want to do is to make someone uncomfortable and at the same time make myself uncomfortable. If I was to ask someone and they said no then from that point on whenever I ran into them it would totally suck. Perhaps I am just being too sensitive but thats the way I am going to handle it. When I mentioned this to my mom she wondered aloud why I would want to date someone with ahem, a troubled past. I didn't bother to mention thats exactly what the fuck I am and it shows me that in her mind she has not wrapped her head around the fact that I am an alcoholic and drug addict. This will never change, its something that I will always be and something that is fact. If thats the way she deals with it fine, I just have to giggle a little bit inside when she says shit like that. I think if I do end up seeing someone in the program I am not going to mention that little fact right away and let her make up her own mind without any preconceived notions about the person.

Courtney blew me off today like I thought she would. She is still a little weird about our friendship and I'm not sure how she feels about it. I hope that she talks to me again because she wants to and not out of some sense of obligation. I know that she has children to take care of and whatnot but how hard is it to text or call someone that you know will be in the next town over and you know that you had sort of made plans with to hang out in chat. Its not like we do that often and we didn't talk about it earlier in the week but maybe some people just don't take planning things as seriously as I do. Thats totally AA talking right there, before my time in the program I would have been convinced there was some other motive behind her lack of communication and that I did something to cause it when the truth is much simpler. It doesn't mean I don't have to be a bit insulted that she didn't have to consideration to let me know what was going on but I can deal with it.

Actually I am sorta glad that I have a couple more hours to just vegetate and fuck around on the interwebs. I don't get the chance to do it enough during the week with my crazy ass schedule. I plan to do some serious vegetating in Texas and I already have days planned in which to do so. I think I have learned to appreciate being a layabout now that I actually have shit to do. When I was active I would spend entire weekends within a fifty foot radius doing absolutely nothing. I would make a drink, drink it, change channels, go to the can, make another drink, make some food, make another drink, another drink, another drink, another drink, another drink, another drink. Well, you get the idea. My life revolved around drinking, peeing, & eating with some crappy sleep thrown in once in a while. Again, what a shitty way to live and love. I added the "love" in there because the last few times I've tried to type "live" I typed "love". Must be Freud in my melon somewhere.

Weight, The NorthShore, & Possible Jobby Job News

Today is Friday March Fifth Two Thousand Ten. I am happy to report that I now weigh two hundred twenty two pounds and am about halfway to my goal weight. Even tho I want things to happen sooner than later I am pleased what I have accomplished on three months. I can't wait to see what I look and most importantly feel like in another three months. My love handles aka giant gobs of fat are starting to dissipate and I can actually wear a tshirt without feeling like a total fatty in it. I still have a long way to go but I feel great when I work out and look forward to it each day. I have to force myself to take days off for rest most of the time but thats just the way it is I guess. Whats interesting is that my waist line is still a solid thirty six which is a few sizes smaller than the size forty I was before. I am really trying no to be obsessed with my appearance but its hard when for the first time in a long time I am happy with what I see in the mirror. In AA people talk about a brightness or fire in a person's eyes when they get sober and more than a few people have spoken of the glow that I seem to have. I think thats right on the money and it continues to amaze me how recovery is so much more than just not drinking.

It took me a long time to get my head around the concept for a "dry drunk". I had no idea what that was and how someone would be that way. When I first started AA I figured shit, people are not drinking so they must be happy and want to live life. Sadly for many people that it not the case, even if they are sober their lives are still unmanageable and they are unable to deal with problems. I sometimes feel bad because if I am not drinking I am a very happy man and very few things can shake me up or shake the faith I have in myself. I have since met a couple of folks who I could call a dry drunk, they are still bitter, selfish, & uncaring folks who while they are sober they still are not dealing with life in a appropriate way. I thought that most of the messages and twelve step work in AA was a bunch of hullabaloo but it really fucking works. Its important for me to know and understand that I am the only person I answer to when it comes to my sobriety and if I am not honest with myself then I am just wasting my time in aa. Could I maintain my sobriety without going to aa meetings ? Perhaps but I would not grow as a human being and not give a shit about my fellow humans.

Its hard to admit you are wrong and I was very wrong about the AA program. I knew that perhaps it could help me to stay sober but as I mentioned before I didn't think I would go for all the other stuff associated with the program. I believe in the program because I have seen first hand the effect it has on other people and other people have seen the effect it has had on myself. I also have grown spiritually in the last year, more than I eve thought possible. I am not a bible thumper by any means but I now believe that there is a power greater than myself that has an effect on my daily life. A all powerful dude with a beard and toga who can sneeze and cause tidal waves ? I think not but I do believe that belief in its self can be a higher power. To put in another way, if you believe in your beliefs and think that those beliefs will help you live a better life then its going to work. The human mind is a very powerful instrument and having the ability to believe in something that can change your life is very empowering to someone like myself. I am very rooted to the here and now and think that every action and decision you make will at some point have an effect on your beliefs. If I believe that I am an honest person but then walk out of a store without paying for something then I am shaking up that belief. I can't really put into words what I am trying to say here and I think thats tremendously obvious from the previous nonsensical babble so perhaps I should stop, think some more, and continue writing about girls like I usually do on this blog.

So I have a meeting in fifteen minutes about a possible new job here at CHB and I am very interested in it. A good friend of mine is the director of media services here and is retiring in a few months. Due to his retirement they are splitting up his responsibilities into two manager positions; a print services manager and a media services manager. He thinks that I would be a good fit for the media services manager position and thats what I am going to talk about with him. He mentioned that they are looking to take the video conferencing here to the next level and are looking for someone with a heavy inter networking background to assist with that goal. I am very flattered to be noticed and while I really want to get the fuck out of my department I am not going to depend on getting this job. I don't want to set myself up for failure, I have been really consistent in setting attainable goals for myself so that I feel good about what I am doing. Would I like the job, sure. I am not worried about being able to do it or not, you can't be, you just have to have there is that word again, "faith" in your skills and intelligence. It should prove to be an interesting conversation and I am interested to hear what he has to say. If everything sounds attainable then I will take the next step and talk to his supervisor to see how much of a shot I actually have. It would be really cool to stay at CHB because I do really love working for this hospital, I just don't like working for Pinhead and running, organizing, counting, and coiling cables all day. Its been seven years of that and its time to move the fuck on. Be back soon !

So it was a pretty informal meeting but interesting just the same. He said that he would get me an advance copy of the required skill set and give me tips on how to handle the interview. The only thing he mentioned would be what my current manager may say about me and time will tell if he has any compassion whatsoever or if he is going to be a dick. I think that I will have a good chance considering my inside line on the job but again I am not going to depend on this job for the future. Yeah I will be disappointed if I don't get it but it would be the end of the world either. It will be a good learning experience and I think that I will be able to sell myself well and that I have the confidence needed to make a good impression. I was talking with a friend about this the other nite, one of the gifts that sobriety has given me this year is a confidence that I never knew I had before. I know that I am a talented interesting guy who has much to offer the right employer. I just have to make sure that I don't set up myself for a fall with unrealistic assumptions about how much they want me for this job. My life has been cruising along so well these past six months and my only real challenges have been in the gym its good to throw something into the mix now and then to challenge me.

Really looking forward to heading out to Topsfield for Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon. Its going to be pretty restful and I am psyched to hang out with my mom and dad a bit. What a change from before when I would only hang out in Topsfield when I knew that my folks wouldn't be there or if I did hang out with them it was only for a very short time and I was usually super loaded. Its nice to just hang out and talk about whats going on and I have to be patient with my mom. I say this because every time I talk with her she asks if I am still on the wagon. Not only do I hate that term but it would be nice for her not to ask me that every time she talks with me. She has been very supportive just like she has my entire life so if it makes her feel better to ask me that every fucking time then fine. My mom would make a lousy politician because she says whatever is on her mind without any kind of filter. I am sure that she drives Holley nuts but she is too nice to say anything about it. When people say that when you marry someone sometimes you also marry their family that is def true on our end. My folks have a very small family so anything that Chris and I do is of tremendous interest to them. Which is fine because they love the both of us not matter what and I find that amazing.

Weird People Who Are Friends & Burning Man

Today is Wednesday March Third Two Thousand Ten. Even tho I have a pantload of work to complete before I leave I am getting pretty upitty about Dallas and Austin. I just found out some Burning Man friends will be at SXSW so that at the very least should be interesting. I am waiting to hear exactly when they will be at the event and with my luck it will be after I've already left but thats cool with me. These boys are waaaaay out there and sometimes lose a grasp of reality. But thats why I like them, they keep it fresh and whatnot. For instance, here is a reply from a email verbatim and I have no fucking idea what he is talking about. I need some sort of weirdo translator:

"Yo! Homes Miller you should entirely visit our dear friends Yuki Blanco Snow Falling over Loko eyes! Their based with a tight asian temple in the fort sand palaces of old nights!"

So, he may be referencing my friends Scott and Yuki who lived in Austin last year sometime or it could be something completely different. I like to think that I understand the weird and bizarre but sometimes I am just at a loss when it comes to some Burning Man folks. Thats why that event is so much fun, I am totally out of my element and always have new experiences.

Ah, Burning Man. What a freak circus. Whats interesting is that many of the participants never really give up their burning man ways when they come back to the default world. I didn't go last year and I am not sure that I will be able to go this year but I will return. Its too awesome not to. I am pretty proud that I've been writing this blog since December and I have not written about Burning Man yet. That event has probably made the biggest impact on my life other than sobriety and that is certainly saying a bunch. Its hard to describe what the vibe is like there if you have not encountered other burners or been to a regional burning man event. If you like music, art, freedom, self reliance, expression, and the ability to do whatever the fuck you want to do then burning man is for you.

I will relate my drug experiences there because that was what I was into esp for my first year. My brother was living in Huntington Beach and some friends of mine were living a few miles away from him. I somehow knew they were into Crystal Meth and went over there with the express purpose of scoring some for the event. Good thing that meth was not all that available when I was active because I would have been addicted to that shit in a jiffy. Very good stuff for an event like Burning Man because you feel like the energizer bunny when you are on it. I think the first time I went to the man I slept for perhaps six hours over four days and three nites and I did have an awesome time. I was a little bit tired after it sure, but I was able to score some more meth and BING ! I was able to keep going like a good little bunny. I plan to write much more about burning man but I want to organize it a bit more and not have it been this soc that I've been doing.

Crystal Methamphetamine. Thank fucking god its not available around here. Sure I could have found it if I really looked but I didn't and thats awesome. I have never done a drug that is more addictive to me than meth is. Its also very nasty and leaves all sorts of bad things in your system after you use for awhile. Whats weird is that I am not a big fan of cocaine but meth? Sign me the fuck up ! The worst thing about being in recovery for meth addiction is that is takes a very, very long time to stop having cravings for meth and there isn't anything you can take that would help with them. Ick, I have done meth probably five different times for a week or so at a pop and I don't get the warm fuzzies at all.

Welcome All Share & Other Reflections

Today is Tuesday March Second Two Thousand Ten. March is much easier to spell than February, no matter how many times I wrote it last month (twenty four) I still misspelled it most of the time. Some jackass is having a conversation about ten feet away from me in the library. I can see answering your phone and saying something quick but this idiot is going over edits for some paper he is writing. Sometimes the docs around here can get an air of self importance where the normal rules don't seem to apply to them. Yeah, I understand that you save lives and shit like that but walk twenty feet to the office thats set up TO TAKE PHONE CALLS. Idiot.

I was asked to speak at the Welcome All group last nite about five minutes before the meeting. I have never had the chance to speak at that meeting so it was cool that I was able to do it. It was also cool to have an positive impact in people's lives and that I am (cough cough) a role model or source of inspiration for people. You can't buy the feeling that gives you and its one of the main reasons I like aa so much. It was also nice to be able to tell my story off the cuff like that because normally I practice daily for the week leading up to it. I do that because I like to be prepared for shit and also I figure many of these people have heard hundreds if not thousands of people's stories and I'd like them to remember mine. I talked about one aspect of my life I'm really ashamed about and that was the amount of narcotics trafficking I was a part of in high school and in my twenties. I wasn't a street dealer, I was mostly the guy you would call to get something in a size worth distributing. There are many ways to get busted doing illegal things and I learned that the less time you held on to something illegal the better chance you have of getting away with it. I still get calls and occasionally run into people who want me to make some calls and I can honestly say that I can't really help them. Most of the people I used to do business with are either in jail or live a plane trip away and I am just not going to do that for anyone no matter what the circumstances.

I met with Nancy this morning to go over the new training plans and I am really happy with them. I am even happier that I am able to do the bicep curl with good form for all the reps required. Its always cool to see progress after a month and I can't wait to be even more toned in my arms and shoulders. I realize that probably sounds super vain but I guess I am super vain right now. I want to look my best so that I can feel my best and working my ass off in the gym has much to do with that. Someone at the meeting last nite told me she doesn't even remember what I looked like last year and looking back I can see why she said that. This is a woman who has also gone thru a major improvement over the last year. I don't know if she is getting into shape, eating better, spending more time on her appearance or what all I know is that she is legit hot these days. I told her that once in a round about way, she had straightened her hair and wore some form fitting clothes and when I saw her I was wondering who the new hot girl was. She is also very down to earth and has a very serene and honest way about her.

Yeah, I will stop writing about the xx chromosomes when hell freezes over. I was telling myself that I write about them too often but they are important to me and are better at certain shit than I am. Plus they smell good which is always a winner in my book. One thing I mentioned last nite that got a bit of play was my thoughts on depression and how my depression left me once I stopped getting fucked up all the time. Some folks took it the wrong way I think and from now on I am going to preface whatever I say about the subject with something like "Well for me.." I thought that since it was my share that would be obvious but I guess it isn't. Thing is, if I don't drink I am happy. My life in much easier for me to handle. I am optimistic to the point of sounding patronizing on occasion but I'm not sorry for it. My program and how I work it fucking works for me and thats that. I am a very different person than I was even this summer considering how much I've learned about myself since then. I am not perfect and I don't have a perfect program but I like it and it works for me.

Speaking at the Welcome All group was a big deal for me personally. Its my home group for one and the group I serve as secretary for. Its the group I go to commitments with and the one I attend the most. Its a tie with the Quaker Friends meeting for my favorite and while they are both large meetings the vibe to completely different. I feel that WA are more of my peers in AA and people in my demographic. WA also attracts plenty of newcomers and perhaps someday someone will ask me to sponsor them. I learned quite a bit from my brief stint as a sponsor and while it was painful to see that kid constantly relapse on not have the desire to get clean I was able to handle it and I learned a few things.

Sleepytime Weekends, Rock Bottom, & Friends

Today is Monday March First Two Thousand Ten. I took a couple of days off from posting anything here, not that anyone would notice but I was too busy sleeping this weekend for any quality interwebs time. I did however work out a pantload and am able to do the elliptical for an hour and not feel like I am going to die. Which is good. I also went to a couple of aa meetings and saw a band play so I guess I did do more than sleep but it doesn't feel like it. I am just so full throttle during the week, waking up at a quarter past five in the morning and finally resting my head a ten at night. During the week I am out of my house an average of thirteen hours and always seem to be doing something. Which is also good.

So Saturday nite was interesting for a few reasons. First was I confronted a fear of mine by attending a show my Rock Bottom at Johnny D's. It was the combination if that band and that club that led to the demise of my knee in oh six which kicked off three years of opiate addiction and constant drinking. I am sure I would have gotten to where I was at some point but my knee surgery and subsequent depression sped up the process. I had been drinking alcoholically for years but I didn't drink in the morning and didn't get as drunk as I possibly could with regularity. I was able to control it somewhat but after being on crutches for a couple of weeks I really gave up and decided that a day without a cocktail was not a good day at'll. I came up with some absolutely hideous combos of vodka and various mixers esp when I didn't have much money. One of the worst was using very strong iced tea mix and drinking it as fast as I could stomach. My regular choice was diet Dr. Pepper and I would premix road sodas and keep them in the fridge. What a way to live.

So back to Saturday nite. The second part of it was seeing some friends that I had not seen in some time and once again everyone was surprised at my appearance. Because its all about me its awesome to hear praise from people but its going to be cool when the expectation is that I am fit and healthy looking. Its just going to take some time for people to get used to the new me after so many years of being a unhealthy overweight dude with long hair and a beard. Many of the people there came up to me individually and made mention of how happy they are for me which is what happened during my friends bachelor party. ts awesome to have such a impact on people that they feel the need to tell you their feelings. Its also awesome to know that I have solid good friendships out there and that people give a shit. I sorta snuck out of there towards the end of the nite because the liquor was flowing and its better not to be around at last call.

I have a bunch of different groups of friends and it has always been like that since high school and college. I always have multiple interests and the groups of friends that go with those interests. Friends are such an important part of my life and I think thats one of the reasons I like aa so much because of the friendships that the program fosters. I have met a couple of people in particular that I consider good friends at this point and I had no idea that would ever happen. I don't think its because I am full of such awesomeness that people need to be around me but rather that I am a loyal dependable guy who never lacks of ideas for things to do. I am sure I can be a bit too much sometimes but I think that is tempered by not drinking. My friend bob who owned a bar once told me that I was lucky that he and I were such good friends because when I was drunk I was one of the most annoying people he has ever come across. Awesome. Coming from someone who owned a bar for so long thats certainly saying something. Its also awesome that I can hear that without being pissed off and being thankful for his honesty. It proves to me just how sick I really was last summer and fall, I would isolate and want to be alone not talking to anyone and not caring one bit about it. In the past year I have not only reconnected with dozens of old friends but I have made a dozen more and continue to meet new people.

I have decided to settle down a bit in the xx chromo department. I know I may have written about this decision before but I will say it again. I don't want to dash into anything for just the sake of someone being available. Granted I would like to be intimate with someone but I am not going to jump the first woman who gives me the nod. I am also going to cease constantly writing about various women who I find attractive and make the statement that I find many, many women attractive each in their own way. I still don't know if I should think about dating within the program and I have the feeling that is a question that will only be answered by action I just don't know how I would approach someone, what the right thing to say would be. "Hello, I realize that we have known each other and that we know each other's secrets & fears but I think you are super hot and love your boobs, wanna get some coffee ?" Somehow I don't think that would go over all that well so I am just going to go with the flow and see what happens. Think like an adult for once, that seems to be the trend with me these days.

I know that I seem to write about friends and women all the time in this blog but they are both very important to me and I consider both miracles of my sobriety. When I was active I was not a good friend to anyone including myself and certainly the idea of a relationship while active was out. I tried that before and it didn't work out so well, so many bad things happened due to my actions I can't believe I was at all surprised when she called it quits. I had a dream about a woman in the program last nite, nothing sexual with a happy ending or anything like that but more of an adventure dream. It was interesting because while I do think she is attractive I think she is a little too young for me and probably too crazy but its a cool crazy. I didn't think I had her on my mind but obviously I certainly did. Not something I think I will mention to her, "Hey, had a dream last nite and you were in it. Not to worry, it wasn't a wet dream or anything like that." She would probably run away screaming which is def not what I am going for. Those damn aa people are right about how you don't develop emotionally since you started using because I feel like I am fifteen again and should be passing messages to all the girls in the rooms.