Today is Friday March Fifth Two Thousand Ten. I am happy to report that I now weigh two hundred twenty two pounds and am about halfway to my goal weight. Even tho I want things to happen sooner than later I am pleased what I have accomplished on three months. I can't wait to see what I look and most importantly feel like in another three months. My love handles aka giant gobs of fat are starting to dissipate and I can actually wear a tshirt without feeling like a total fatty in it. I still have a long way to go but I feel great when I work out and look forward to it each day. I have to force myself to take days off for rest most of the time but thats just the way it is I guess. Whats interesting is that my waist line is still a solid thirty six which is a few sizes smaller than the size forty I was before. I am really trying no to be obsessed with my appearance but its hard when for the first time in a long time I am happy with what I see in the mirror. In AA people talk about a brightness or fire in a person's eyes when they get sober and more than a few people have spoken of the glow that I seem to have. I think thats right on the money and it continues to amaze me how recovery is so much more than just not drinking.
It took me a long time to get my head around the concept for a "dry drunk". I had no idea what that was and how someone would be that way. When I first started AA I figured shit, people are not drinking so they must be happy and want to live life. Sadly for many people that it not the case, even if they are sober their lives are still unmanageable and they are unable to deal with problems. I sometimes feel bad because if I am not drinking I am a very happy man and very few things can shake me up or shake the faith I have in myself. I have since met a couple of folks who I could call a dry drunk, they are still bitter, selfish, & uncaring folks who while they are sober they still are not dealing with life in a appropriate way. I thought that most of the messages and twelve step work in AA was a bunch of hullabaloo but it really fucking works. Its important for me to know and understand that I am the only person I answer to when it comes to my sobriety and if I am not honest with myself then I am just wasting my time in aa. Could I maintain my sobriety without going to aa meetings ? Perhaps but I would not grow as a human being and not give a shit about my fellow humans.
Its hard to admit you are wrong and I was very wrong about the AA program. I knew that perhaps it could help me to stay sober but as I mentioned before I didn't think I would go for all the other stuff associated with the program. I believe in the program because I have seen first hand the effect it has on other people and other people have seen the effect it has had on myself. I also have grown spiritually in the last year, more than I eve thought possible. I am not a bible thumper by any means but I now believe that there is a power greater than myself that has an effect on my daily life. A all powerful dude with a beard and toga who can sneeze and cause tidal waves ? I think not but I do believe that belief in its self can be a higher power. To put in another way, if you believe in your beliefs and think that those beliefs will help you live a better life then its going to work. The human mind is a very powerful instrument and having the ability to believe in something that can change your life is very empowering to someone like myself. I am very rooted to the here and now and think that every action and decision you make will at some point have an effect on your beliefs. If I believe that I am an honest person but then walk out of a store without paying for something then I am shaking up that belief. I can't really put into words what I am trying to say here and I think thats tremendously obvious from the previous nonsensical babble so perhaps I should stop, think some more, and continue writing about girls like I usually do on this blog.
So I have a meeting in fifteen minutes about a possible new job here at CHB and I am very interested in it. A good friend of mine is the director of media services here and is retiring in a few months. Due to his retirement they are splitting up his responsibilities into two manager positions; a print services manager and a media services manager. He thinks that I would be a good fit for the media services manager position and thats what I am going to talk about with him. He mentioned that they are looking to take the video conferencing here to the next level and are looking for someone with a heavy inter networking background to assist with that goal. I am very flattered to be noticed and while I really want to get the fuck out of my department I am not going to depend on getting this job. I don't want to set myself up for failure, I have been really consistent in setting attainable goals for myself so that I feel good about what I am doing. Would I like the job, sure. I am not worried about being able to do it or not, you can't be, you just have to have there is that word again, "faith" in your skills and intelligence. It should prove to be an interesting conversation and I am interested to hear what he has to say. If everything sounds attainable then I will take the next step and talk to his supervisor to see how much of a shot I actually have. It would be really cool to stay at CHB because I do really love working for this hospital, I just don't like working for Pinhead and running, organizing, counting, and coiling cables all day. Its been seven years of that and its time to move the fuck on. Be back soon !
So it was a pretty informal meeting but interesting just the same. He said that he would get me an advance copy of the required skill set and give me tips on how to handle the interview. The only thing he mentioned would be what my current manager may say about me and time will tell if he has any compassion whatsoever or if he is going to be a dick. I think that I will have a good chance considering my inside line on the job but again I am not going to depend on this job for the future. Yeah I will be disappointed if I don't get it but it would be the end of the world either. It will be a good learning experience and I think that I will be able to sell myself well and that I have the confidence needed to make a good impression. I was talking with a friend about this the other nite, one of the gifts that sobriety has given me this year is a confidence that I never knew I had before. I know that I am a talented interesting guy who has much to offer the right employer. I just have to make sure that I don't set up myself for a fall with unrealistic assumptions about how much they want me for this job. My life has been cruising along so well these past six months and my only real challenges have been in the gym its good to throw something into the mix now and then to challenge me.
Really looking forward to heading out to Topsfield for Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon. Its going to be pretty restful and I am psyched to hang out with my mom and dad a bit. What a change from before when I would only hang out in Topsfield when I knew that my folks wouldn't be there or if I did hang out with them it was only for a very short time and I was usually super loaded. Its nice to just hang out and talk about whats going on and I have to be patient with my mom. I say this because every time I talk with her she asks if I am still on the wagon. Not only do I hate that term but it would be nice for her not to ask me that every time she talks with me. She has been very supportive just like she has my entire life so if it makes her feel better to ask me that every fucking time then fine. My mom would make a lousy politician because she says whatever is on her mind without any kind of filter. I am sure that she drives Holley nuts but she is too nice to say anything about it. When people say that when you marry someone sometimes you also marry their family that is def true on our end. My folks have a very small family so anything that Chris and I do is of tremendous interest to them. Which is fine because they love the both of us not matter what and I find that amazing.
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