QT With Mom & Communication(s)

Today is Sunday March Seventh Two Thousand Ten. Ah, a nice Sunday on the North Shore with relaxation on the menu but no, I have to go pick up sticks. Which is fine, I guess I should look on the bright side and be thankful that I don't have to get the chainsaw out and start cutting shit up like most of neighbors had to due to the wind storm. I kinda wish I had been out here for that, I would've been cool to see all the trees get jacked. Anyway, as a result of this there are a shit ton of sticks and branches that need to be picked up and drug to the burnpile. Thats right, drug not dragged. I think you most def drug shit to a burnpile and you would drag a body to a shallow grave. Now thats settled I am looking forward to moving on subjects like working out, going to the Celtics, and hanging out with old friends who try to psychoanalyze you.

Went to the gym with mumsies and it was def a new experience working out right next to her, I think that was a new one. Its nice that finally we have something that we can do together rather than sniping with one another. I've always been a bit jealous with the relationship that my mom and brother have. Whenever she visits him they go out and have lunch or brunch together followed by some mother and son activity. Obviously its easier to do that when you live far away but I can't think of too many things that mumsie and I did together after I stopped playing the piano. Its never too late to start a tradition or routine, I've proved that over this last year. I write a bunch about routines and how important they are to me. They give me a feeling of normalcy, they calm me down, and they give me something to look forward to. I find myself getting unsettled if I don't do what I normally do and I think that shows improvement. After so many years of not knowing which way was up or down it is awesome to be grounded for once.

I still speculate privately why I felt it necessary to numb myself on a daily basis. Everything that happened to me was a direct result of not living up to my responsibilities and ignoring people's advice. I was afraid of tomorrow because I wasn't dealing with today. Getting wasted gave me the ability to forget about everything and anything that I had to do. Heroin also gave me energy to do things that I didn't think I could do without it. It was the best hangover cure in a powder and I would always feel better no matter how much damage I did to myself the nite before. It was a really shitty way to live but I managed to think that it was the only way to live for many years.

I made a decision yesterday and perhaps I wrote about it in my last entry but I am going to again. I decided that when it comes to women in AA I am not going to be the one who makes the move. Meaning, that I am not going to be the one to ask someone out for coffee and conversation and that I am going to be asked. I am doing this because the last thing I want to do is to make someone uncomfortable and at the same time make myself uncomfortable. If I was to ask someone and they said no then from that point on whenever I ran into them it would totally suck. Perhaps I am just being too sensitive but thats the way I am going to handle it. When I mentioned this to my mom she wondered aloud why I would want to date someone with ahem, a troubled past. I didn't bother to mention thats exactly what the fuck I am and it shows me that in her mind she has not wrapped her head around the fact that I am an alcoholic and drug addict. This will never change, its something that I will always be and something that is fact. If thats the way she deals with it fine, I just have to giggle a little bit inside when she says shit like that. I think if I do end up seeing someone in the program I am not going to mention that little fact right away and let her make up her own mind without any preconceived notions about the person.

Courtney blew me off today like I thought she would. She is still a little weird about our friendship and I'm not sure how she feels about it. I hope that she talks to me again because she wants to and not out of some sense of obligation. I know that she has children to take care of and whatnot but how hard is it to text or call someone that you know will be in the next town over and you know that you had sort of made plans with to hang out in chat. Its not like we do that often and we didn't talk about it earlier in the week but maybe some people just don't take planning things as seriously as I do. Thats totally AA talking right there, before my time in the program I would have been convinced there was some other motive behind her lack of communication and that I did something to cause it when the truth is much simpler. It doesn't mean I don't have to be a bit insulted that she didn't have to consideration to let me know what was going on but I can deal with it.

Actually I am sorta glad that I have a couple more hours to just vegetate and fuck around on the interwebs. I don't get the chance to do it enough during the week with my crazy ass schedule. I plan to do some serious vegetating in Texas and I already have days planned in which to do so. I think I have learned to appreciate being a layabout now that I actually have shit to do. When I was active I would spend entire weekends within a fifty foot radius doing absolutely nothing. I would make a drink, drink it, change channels, go to the can, make another drink, make some food, make another drink, another drink, another drink, another drink, another drink, another drink. Well, you get the idea. My life revolved around drinking, peeing, & eating with some crappy sleep thrown in once in a while. Again, what a shitty way to live and love. I added the "love" in there because the last few times I've tried to type "live" I typed "love". Must be Freud in my melon somewhere.