Today is Monday March First Two Thousand Ten. I took a couple of days off from posting anything here, not that anyone would notice but I was too busy sleeping this weekend for any quality interwebs time. I did however work out a pantload and am able to do the elliptical for an hour and not feel like I am going to die. Which is good. I also went to a couple of aa meetings and saw a band play so I guess I did do more than sleep but it doesn't feel like it. I am just so full throttle during the week, waking up at a quarter past five in the morning and finally resting my head a ten at night. During the week I am out of my house an average of thirteen hours and always seem to be doing something. Which is also good.
So Saturday nite was interesting for a few reasons. First was I confronted a fear of mine by attending a show my Rock Bottom at Johnny D's. It was the combination if that band and that club that led to the demise of my knee in oh six which kicked off three years of opiate addiction and constant drinking. I am sure I would have gotten to where I was at some point but my knee surgery and subsequent depression sped up the process. I had been drinking alcoholically for years but I didn't drink in the morning and didn't get as drunk as I possibly could with regularity. I was able to control it somewhat but after being on crutches for a couple of weeks I really gave up and decided that a day without a cocktail was not a good day at'll. I came up with some absolutely hideous combos of vodka and various mixers esp when I didn't have much money. One of the worst was using very strong iced tea mix and drinking it as fast as I could stomach. My regular choice was diet Dr. Pepper and I would premix road sodas and keep them in the fridge. What a way to live.
So back to Saturday nite. The second part of it was seeing some friends that I had not seen in some time and once again everyone was surprised at my appearance. Because its all about me its awesome to hear praise from people but its going to be cool when the expectation is that I am fit and healthy looking. Its just going to take some time for people to get used to the new me after so many years of being a unhealthy overweight dude with long hair and a beard. Many of the people there came up to me individually and made mention of how happy they are for me which is what happened during my friends bachelor party. ts awesome to have such a impact on people that they feel the need to tell you their feelings. Its also awesome to know that I have solid good friendships out there and that people give a shit. I sorta snuck out of there towards the end of the nite because the liquor was flowing and its better not to be around at last call.
I have a bunch of different groups of friends and it has always been like that since high school and college. I always have multiple interests and the groups of friends that go with those interests. Friends are such an important part of my life and I think thats one of the reasons I like aa so much because of the friendships that the program fosters. I have met a couple of people in particular that I consider good friends at this point and I had no idea that would ever happen. I don't think its because I am full of such awesomeness that people need to be around me but rather that I am a loyal dependable guy who never lacks of ideas for things to do. I am sure I can be a bit too much sometimes but I think that is tempered by not drinking. My friend bob who owned a bar once told me that I was lucky that he and I were such good friends because when I was drunk I was one of the most annoying people he has ever come across. Awesome. Coming from someone who owned a bar for so long thats certainly saying something. Its also awesome that I can hear that without being pissed off and being thankful for his honesty. It proves to me just how sick I really was last summer and fall, I would isolate and want to be alone not talking to anyone and not caring one bit about it. In the past year I have not only reconnected with dozens of old friends but I have made a dozen more and continue to meet new people.
I have decided to settle down a bit in the xx chromo department. I know I may have written about this decision before but I will say it again. I don't want to dash into anything for just the sake of someone being available. Granted I would like to be intimate with someone but I am not going to jump the first woman who gives me the nod. I am also going to cease constantly writing about various women who I find attractive and make the statement that I find many, many women attractive each in their own way. I still don't know if I should think about dating within the program and I have the feeling that is a question that will only be answered by action I just don't know how I would approach someone, what the right thing to say would be. "Hello, I realize that we have known each other and that we know each other's secrets & fears but I think you are super hot and love your boobs, wanna get some coffee ?" Somehow I don't think that would go over all that well so I am just going to go with the flow and see what happens. Think like an adult for once, that seems to be the trend with me these days.
I know that I seem to write about friends and women all the time in this blog but they are both very important to me and I consider both miracles of my sobriety. When I was active I was not a good friend to anyone including myself and certainly the idea of a relationship while active was out. I tried that before and it didn't work out so well, so many bad things happened due to my actions I can't believe I was at all surprised when she called it quits. I had a dream about a woman in the program last nite, nothing sexual with a happy ending or anything like that but more of an adventure dream. It was interesting because while I do think she is attractive I think she is a little too young for me and probably too crazy but its a cool crazy. I didn't think I had her on my mind but obviously I certainly did. Not something I think I will mention to her, "Hey, had a dream last nite and you were in it. Not to worry, it wasn't a wet dream or anything like that." She would probably run away screaming which is def not what I am going for. Those damn aa people are right about how you don't develop emotionally since you started using because I feel like I am fifteen again and should be passing messages to all the girls in the rooms.
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