Corey Haim's Death & My Own Mortaility

Today is Wednesday March Tenth Two Thousand Ten. I've been pretty busy at work and since I usually write in this when I drink my coffee first thing it has suffered. When I heard about the death of a celebrity this morning I figured that I had to write because not only did I grow up watching this guy's rise in Hollywood I also witnessed his spectacular crash due to drugs and alcohol. Whats interesting is that he is best known for appearing in films with his best friend and when his best friend got sober he continued using. I am NOT going to draw any comparisons between Randy and I.

So Corey Haim was found dead this morning of an apparent drug overdose. It has been reported that he had been thru fifteen detoxes and even did a short lived series with him past best friend Corey Feldman. I found the series interesting because CF was sober while CH was trying to clean up. In terms of drug abuse, CH was a superstar if he is to be believed. The amounts of rx drugs that he ingested are staggering, something like eighty five Valiums a day and I remember he once mentioned taking well over a hundred somas in one day.

Watching the series "The Two Corey's" was like watching a auto accident in slow motion. CH would be cranky because he was sober and CF would try and help his friend while also trying to placate his wife. I think the series was in oh seven and while I was still using then I thought it was fascinating. Here was a guy who seemed to have everything at fifteen and like anyone else he in that situation he lived as hard as he could. So did CF and they partied together for years. I don't know the whole story but CF decided to get and live sober while CH did not. I have a feeling that CF helped his buddy out as much as he could till it was time to distance himself from him. When you are sober you need to take care of yourself first and foremost before you can help others.

I just wrote something that I want to explore a bit more, " Getting and staying sober." Just about anyone can get sober whether they do it by themselves or are forced to do it by jail or detox. Its the staying sober that is the tough part in my opinion. To wake up every day and decide that you will not use drugs and alcohol that day and living thru the day without needing any time of crutch. To be honest I am not a hundred percent sober in my opinion. Granted I have not used any illegal drugs or alcohol but I rely on a rx'd drug to combat my opiate desires. I can't wait till I taper off that drug and hopefully that will happen in the next year. I don't get high from it but would get very, very sick if I was to stop taking it. I feel that I am living sober however, the obsession has been lifted somewhat and I don't feel like I depend on anything to get me thru the day.

Can't say that I am surprised that he overdosed. Can't say I am surprised that he had period of clean time. He seemed unable to believe that life can be lived soberly. Unless you can understand that maintaining your sobriety can be an overwhelming task. Not to say that I am challenged but I can honestly say that I really enjoy the feeling and the challenge of being sober. I also can honestly say that there is no way in hell that I can drink like a normal person. Sure, I could probably drink like a normal person for a little while, maybe fifteen minutes but in my mind I am already looking forward to the next drink. Even when I start drinking the first drink I am already worrying about where the next one is coming from. Thats the difference between me and the normal motherfuckers out there, I can't have just one, I want, I need to have as many as I can. I have proven that to myself and there is no sense in trying to convince myself that I can feel differently.

I wanted to die last winter and I mean that I no longer wanted to live, no longer wanted to deal with what I had made of my life. I didn't want to deal with (BB WARNING!) "Life On Life's Terms". I thought that nobody would give a shit if I offed myself and that would be the best decision for all concerned. I was wrong, very wrong. So many people have come up to me and told me that the way I lived and the way I live now affected them in some way. My death would have made an impression on them and not in a good way. To be sure, I am glad I didn't die. I love life, I love waking up in the morning ready to have a good day. The way I look at it any day that I don't use is a really fucking good day. I could get fired, be homeless, get into a fight with someone I care about, fall down a flight of stairs, etc but it would be a good day because at least I would be sober. If I am sober I am able to not only effect the outcome of my life but maybe, just maybe I can affect someone else's as well. I never know when to use "E"ffect and "A"ffect so I figured I would just throw them in any which way.

I think I am ready to be a sponsor for someone. Not that I have a complete handle on living sober, I don't think I will ever have that but I think that I could help someone out. I could help them work the program and by working the program perhaps they would be able to stay sober. I have an interesting relationship with my sponsor and I am a better man because of it. Yeah he frustrates me but just the fact it bothers me shows how much our relationship means to me. I hope to someday have the same effect/affect on another member of AA. Well, thats about it for now. I have written about death enough and I have a weeks worth of work to complete before Friday at 3:00pm.