Hope & Love

Today is Wednesday of the April Fourteenth Two Thousand Ten. My fucking browser no longer allows me to right click on the spelling since its upgrade and I can't for the life of me find where I can dicker with it. Mo-zilla, I love you but you are making life hard for me. I suppose I can look on the support forums but they way I am working it now I will think of words that I know how to spell rather than using words I don't know how to spell. I don't know which is better but I do know that writing everyday helps me in a variety of ways. I can type much faster than I could four months ago and I think a bit more when I write from the brain. I guess thats obvious, thinking when writing but perhaps I didn't describe it correctly. Or maybe I just feel like bitching about something that I could repair if I really gave a shit about it.

Mrs. Palin is once again the news of the day around here and I know of a few passionate liberals who will be attending her little talk on the common today. I hope it doesn't turn into a shitstorm with tons of people getting arrested as I like to think that folks from around here can behave themselves in the face of opposition. My facebook page is lit up with people's opines about whether the tea party is racist and homophobic and people are getting all atwitter about other people's opinions. Its good to see people get fired up about issues that are important rather than Big Papi's hitting decline. Sure, the Red Sox are important but there are many other issues facing the Commonwealth than our sports teams. Some days its hard to look beyond what effects you and your family and to look at what faces this nation as a whole.

Speaking of sports, I am going to the last regular season Celtics game tonight with my friend Katie. I am really glad that I met her and very glad that she already has a long term man so there isn't any question of sleeping with her. I hate that you can't be good friends with a woman and keep that friendship platonic. I enjoy her company and the fact she understands what recovery is all about. Her sister is addicted to a variety of substances and has been in and out of rehabs, shelters, and halfway houses for the majority of her adult life. Katie shares custody of her niece with the girl's father and I really appreciate that. She took action and cares for this little girl and is a stable influence for her. As much of a weirdo is my mom can be, she has always been there for me and I have never had to go looking for her on the street or in a crack house. She may not have gone thru recovery herself but she knows all about it from her sister and when she says that she understands what I am going thru I believe her.

I was walking back from a call at a remote location that houses children and their families that are undergoing extended treatment at the hospital and there were a number of chalk drawings on the pavement. For some reason, I really like sidewalk art. I think its because its temporary and uses a surface that isn't normally associated with art. Among the doodles and drawings there were two rectangles that were side by side. The left one had a flower with "HOPE" underneath it and the right one had a heart with "LOVE" beneath. I think that pretty much sums up what I need in order to be happy with my life. I need hope so that I am excited and looking forward to the future, without it there isn't a reason to continue living. And of course I need love in my life, or to love life its self. When I was active in my addictions I had neither hope nor love in my life and I was living to exist that day. I didn't want to look to the future because it scared me. I felt that I wasn't living up to the expectations if those who knew me and that there wasn't any reason to change the way I was living because I wouldn't change my thinking.

One of the AA terms I loathe is "Stinkin' Thinkin'". Not only because both words are shortened (I have a real problem with that although I do shorten words in email) but because I was guilty of a offensive thoughts. Changing the way that I looked at myself and the world around me was the first step in my recovery because unless I was able to do that, why the heck would I stop what I was doing in the first place ? As soon as I was able to honestly understand how much better life was sober, beyond the physical feelings, I was able to dedicate my life to my recovery. Recovery is a personal journey that is shared with others and without that sharing I never would have been able to maintain my sobriety. Many newcomers or serial relapsers don't really believe you when you suggest to them how much better life is without depending on something to make you feel better. That is something they need to find out for themselves and experience the love of life first hand. I can get up in front of everyone and blab about how great my life is and unless the people in the room have experienced it for themselves my message is moot.

That does not mean the life is all of a sudden kittens and ice cream. Life can be difficult but if you are living your life sober you have a better chance of dealing with the problems and challenges in your life. I am still impulsive but I have found that at least when I decide to do something I think about it for a little while before I act. I think this is very helpful when I have a craving for booze, to just think about it and convince yourself that hitting the bottle is not the answer goes a long way to staying sober. I have written many times that the easy part of recovery is to stop using for a day, it is much harder to maintain that sobriety when life throws a wrench into the works. I remember I was at a commitment at a homeless shelter one afternoon and a woman said that she had been sober for over a year and that her life still sucked. I asked her if she had dreams and goals now and when she responded that indeed she did, I asked her if she had dreams and goals when she was using. She said that she did have them but her dreams and goals in sobriety are much more rational than before. I mentioned to her that perhaps that was an improvement and she agreed. I am always afraid what those folks at the shelter think of me when I arrive with new sneakers, clothes, cell phone etc, that if they will have faith in what I am saying. You can't reach everybody every time but you sure as hell can try.

I spoke to the mother of my god daughter the other day and asked about my former best friend (fbf). She said that she has not spoken to him in months and that he won't speak to anyone who is rational. To make matters worse I heard thru the grapevine that a friend of mine had called an old employee and my fbf answered his phone. Normally that wouldn't be an issue but it is known that this former employee also moves a tremendous about of cocaine and if my fbf was answering his phone then logic would tell you he was either using or collecting some cocaine for himself. One thing my fbf does not need to do is to be around people who are using or dealing cocaine because he can't keep away from it. In addition to alcohol, my fbf has admitted to me that he has a problem with using cocaine and that he should not be around it. I hate to think the worst but I am afraid that he is back to smoking cocaine on a regular basis. That is one thing that I never got into thank god, I have certainly used cocaine on a regular basis before, but I never got into smoking it and while I have smoked it before it just didn't do it for me. Anyway, I hope his family is able to get thru to him in a way that his ex and I cannot.