Looking Inward And Liking It

Today is Tuesday the Twenty Seventh of the April Two Thousand Ten. I am pretty sure you have to capitalize numbers when you use them as a date but I'm not sure. I have a interest in grammar and spelling although you may not know it from reading this blog. I had an excellent english teacher in middle school who was heavy on the grammar diagrams, proper spelling, & essay writing. I already loved to read so I had that covered but she instilled in me an interest in crafting words into sentences into paragraphs into something readable. We used to have to keep these journals which I really hated maintaining for nothing more that thats what she told is to do. I was fifteen for christ sake, what did I want to write about and even if I did have something epic to scribe on the page there is no fucking way I would run the risk of someone else reading my innermost thoughts. She used to make us read an entry or two once a week in class and I remember her yelling at my friend Hillary because she was talking about drinking. You can't have it both ways, either you write about whats going on or you just write nonsense. For a month or so after the teacher yelled at my friend we would write entries in the following format: "I have a brown dog. The brown dog is named brown. I call him that because he is my dog and he is brown." I didn't take long for the teacher to threaten us with poor grades before we changed our writing. Damn she was a bitch but I was proud of my english skillz and always worked my ass off in that class. Once I forgot to add a period to the last word of an essay so she failed me. I was able to write the essay again but under a different subject and I wouldn't get more than a "B" grade on it.

So it was my home groups' business meeting and as group secretary I have to run it. I have no idea what I am doing and have no business running something like that but it goes with the job. There is this one woman who is new to the group and new in recovery who at some point was either in law school, worked at a law firm, or read a bunch of John Grishman novels. She is always griping about "the process" and seems to think that I should be doing a better job at running the meeting. Since I have no basis or guidelines in which to run the meeting I am winging it as I see fit. She mentioned last nite that we should be a bit more formal and after she was done yapping I explained that there isn't any "how to" document from central services and we are doing what this group has always done. I was in the middle of explaining this to her when she interrupted and I asked her to please let me finish. It was awesome to see the expression on her face because during these business meetings I don't say whats on my mind. Its my job to facilitate discussion and not be a center piece of the meeting. AA is hands down, the most "people managed" group I've ever been a part of and thats why it works so well.

Normally I would have let myself get all pissy about someone questioning how a meeting is run but I didn't. This is the groups' meeting and I am but a humble trusted servant. I try and I think succeed for the most part in placing my personality aside from these things and I see each meeting as a learning experience. It doesn't matter that this woman probably thinks I'm a jackass who doesn't know what he is doing. Thats absolutely fine with me as she is probably right on the money but the point is not to take things so god damned seriously. What was also interesting is that two group members spoke to me after the meeting and mentioned that they were happy with the job I was doing. That was nice but I take the whole "Progress not perfection" statement to heart. The way I look at it is that if I have learned something first and helped someone second then I have completed my job. Last nite I learned that when the groups' coffee maker breaks, look the fuck out & last nite I met a newcomer who I asked to attend the business meeting and he volunteered for a job.

Another interesting thing happened last nite and perhaps I am reading too much into it but I'd like to place my thoughts down here. Last summer I sponsored a kid for a couple of weeks who wasn't willing to stay sober. When he asked me to be his sponsor I mentioned to him that the ball was in his corner and while I could help him with the AA stuff, he alone would be responsible for that first step of not using. He stopped calling me and I didn't see him till the meeting before last nites. We mumbled hello a bit and I didn't get a chance to speak with him again. He was at the meeting last nite but he didn't interact with me at all. Its interesting, I hope he isn't pissed for some reason or thinks I am angry with him for any reason because I am not. Everyone has their own schedule for recovery and he needs to find his own and hopefully he will. He had been getting phone #'s from other guys in the program and has been hanging out with another group member who is a really good guy. I hope everything works out for him and I will make sure to speak with him in the next meeting.

I was talking to my buddy from work the other day and I mentioned that I wasn't all that interested in this particular girl because I didn't think she was the sharpest knife in the drawer. I am pretty ashamed that I said something like that, I had hoped I've gone beyond petty shit like that but its one of my character defects. My friend didn't call me out on it but he mentioned that his wife may not be able to draw a proper isosceles triangle but she is damn bright in other things. I need to remember that everyone has talents and sometimes you need to go beneath the surface a bit to find them. On my end, I need to stop being so snobby all the time, a trait I know I get from my mother. I am not going to beat myself up over it but its something that I need to keep in mind when I get to know other people. I am far from perfect and while I may be able to do something that someone else can't, there are plenty of things that I cannot do. I don't know what I just wrote but I think I can sum it up as "Chill the fuck out, dude." Yeah, thats it.

I used to hate looking inward and thinking about myself because I was afraid of what I might find. While it is not my favorite activity I am no longer afraid of what I might discover and readily admit to. Looking back isn't as tough as it used to be either because I have less and less things to be ashamed about. Granted I am not perfect my any stretch but I am learning which is progress not perfection. I am beginning to scare myself, not only do I know the words but I am beginning to understand and believe in them. Unless you understand them, words are just pretty characters on a page with no meaning. Its not till you start to understand and believe in them do they start to work their magic. At least I have plenty of growth ahead and I'm not finished with my recovery or anything like that.