Right Click Spelling Fixed !

Today is Thursday of the April Fifteen Two Thousand Ten. Good news, I figured out why the fucking right clicky spell checker wouldn't work with mo-zilla v3.6.3. Yahoo toolbar was doing something that prohibited my right clicky spell check. After weighing the pros and cons of having a spell check versus knowing the very minute when a new yahoo mail message arrived I came to the realization that spelling was much more important. I used to be a shitty speller till I was in sixth grade or so and then all of a sudden it just clicked. One week I couldn't spell anything and the next week I was a rockstar speller. My mom was very suspicious, checked my hands and other cheating devices but found nothing. I remember what happened but I don't think I eve told her. I started visualizing the letters in my head and then arranged them into the word I was supposed to spell. It worked for me on most words, obviously there are some words you just can't spell in sixth grade. Heck, there are some words I can't spell now. It had been a long time since my mother was impressed with something scholastic of mine and I didn't want to ruin it.

A friend of mine using some pop psyche bullshit was trying to tell me that I used to such an extent because I felt inferior to my brother. Granted my brother is one of the smartest people I know and that would be easy but I can honestly say that I never really compared myself to him. Other than height I guess, but we were so different growing up it was hard to compare us. He was the bookish organized one who didn't make friends easily. I was the social butterfly who at an early age was involved in art and team sports. My folks were really good at recognizing what we were good at and pushing us into that direction. Well with the exception of music. Both my parents were/are musicians and they just couldn't understand why both their sons couldn't play anything. It was really painful and I did take piano a bit longer than my brother but I really had to work at the most simple shit. I do have an appreciation of music and get goosebumps often when I see or even think about certain bands or live show experiences.

What is funny is that I have much better memories of growing up than my brother does. He won't talk about our childhood much and I wonder if he was pushed by my parents more than I was. Something like "You are the smarter one, you need to go to Harvard because Todd ain't going." Whats funny is that I am totally all right with that if that happened and I am sad for my brother. He is a smart bastard and deserved to go the Harvard and I am glad somebody in the family did. I wouldn't have wanted to be the first born looking back, but of course when I was younger I didn't have this perspective. I look back at my childhood with find memories, even when I was in puberty. I was able to feel up my first girl when I was in seventh grade and I was totally ok with that. I guess thats why I am a definite boob man, they don't have to be gigantic, its all how the woman wears them.

I have been thinking about the nicotine candy I've been eating, I am down to eight of them a day in addition to a couple of small cigars. I don't inhale the cigars and ya I know that I can still get cancer from them I but enjoy it. I am going to cut down to the 2mg nicotine ones and see how that goes. This has been a really mellow quitting period and considering I have not had a ciggy in three and a half months I am pretty fricking happy about my progress. I write a bunch about how I don't want to set myself up to fail and setting reachable goals and I think thats super important in how to best live my life. Why be disappointed in yourself when you can be psyched with how you are living ? Why not make sure that you feel good at the end of the day rather than sad. Doesn't make sense.

Ok, I will admit it I now have another crush on a woman in the program. The only problem is that she is a bit young for me but her laid back personality is one of the things that really is attractive to me. She doesn't seem hyper and go go go all the time and I would be psyched to hang out with her sometime. I just don't know how to play it due to the age difference and the fact she is in Cambridge AA. I told myself of course, that I wouldn't hit on any of the women in my program so I guess for now I will just have to flirt once in awhile. She claims she is crazy but I think most people are some of us just hide it better. Perhaps I have not seen her when she is nuts but she seems pretty chill and laid back. Sure she suffers from the things that all of us do who are in recovery, that comes with the territory. I spoke to my friend Katie about her last nite and told her I was trying to convince myself that something like this would work. She said to be careful not to convince myself out of it either. I think she could be a really good friend of mine and perhaps thats where I should leave it. Here I have all this talk about not setting myself up to fail and be disappointed and relations with the opposite sex can do just that. I don't know if its worth the risk as of yet, I only have fifteen months of sobriety.

Wow, fifteen months. That seems so long but really isn't. When I was drinking fifteen minutes seemed like a long time and now I've gone this long. I hope my body is starting to recover from all the crap that I put into it for those twenty years. I have the rest of my life to live and I hope that I have added a few years onto that. For me recovery is more than just living longer, it is living better and being psyched for living. I know that if I am patient I will find some woman who will love me beyond all else and I can return that feeling in spades. I have so much to experience and getting sober is really like having another chance at life. A rebirth if you will and I am getting the chills just thinking about it.