Friends, Haircuts, & Water

Today is the third day in the month of May Two Thousand Ten. May already, awesome. That means the summer is on its way here and I'm hoping to have an excellent summer with lots of activities planned. Last summer I laid low for the most part, going to meetings like a good little alcoholic and learning how to live sober. It was last summer that sobriety became a lifestyle rather than a daily choice. I don't know when it happened exactly but it did and I am grateful for it. I do think about my recovery every day but I expect to be sober every day rather than thinking about drinking or using dope. Even after all this time when I speak to people about my recovery I always talk about my alcoholism first and once they are warmed up to the subject then I talk about my addiction to opiates. Don't know why really, a horse is a horse is a horse but if I had to guess, alcoholism is more accepted than heroin addiction. Almost everyone had been drunk at one time of another but not everyone has woken up dope sick with only one thought in their mind; "How the fuck am I going to get high today ?". Its not that I am ashamed or anything I guess its just easier for me to talk about drinking than dope. I also was an alcoholic for much longer than I was a dope fiend so perhaps thats why its easier for me to talk about it. I am getting better at telling people once I get to know them rather than blurting it out ten minutes after meeting them.

I had an interesting weekend, on Friday I went down to a friend of mine's house for dinner and then a bunch of us went to the PH!SH 3D movie together. On the ride back to my house I had a very good conversation with two friends of mine and I admitted to them that I had thoughts of suicide the last six to eight months of my using. I think thats the first time I've said it out loud to more than one other person outside of a meeting and while I'm not proud of it, thats the truth. I did not believe that life was worthwhile and that there was nothing I could do to change what was going on inside me. Its amazing to think that now I meet every day with a desire to live & love life to the fullest and I almost threw all of that away. I don't know what I was suffering from exactly, depression I guess but all I remember is that I didn't see a way out. Admitting to yourself and others that you not only need to stop using but you also need help in order to do so it quite a thing to do. Since I had never been in a detox before I didn't know what to expect and wasn't sure if it was the correct decision. After a few waking hours in the detox I knew that I was in the right type of place even tho the facility was a little rough around the edges. I did however, make the decision on the first or second day that I would do whatever it took not to place myself in the situation to have to return to a detox facility. Not since I was a little kid or perhaps the first time I had real sex with a woman did I feel so unsure and helpless.

One interesting thing that happened on Friday is that my friend expressed interest in going to a festival with me. Now I had a six month crush on this certain individual and I have since decided that she does in fact walk, breathe, & sleep like a normal person and does not posses certain goddess like characteristics like I first thought. She has turned out to be a quality friend who genuinely cares about my well being. I have come to terms that if I am stuck in the friend zone with her for the future that I am ok with that and won't be pining away for her attentions. She is fun to hang out with, likes similar music, and smells good and I am grateful she is my friend. It was interesting to talk to her about my recovery and I didn't spare her the details to make myself look better somehow. I am who I am and I can't be everyone's friend or her specifically, boyfriend. I also know that I have much to offer someone and look forward to finding that certain person. I need to be patient and understand that things to come to you eventually and that I should be grateful for the friends that I have. I am very lucky to have people both in and outside the program who actually want to hang out with me and want to hear what I have to say. I would not, however, kick her out of my bed if it ever came to that I just don't know if this particular instance is a goal or a dream.

So there has been this huge hoo haw around about the drinking water around here because I major pipe busted and they had to divert non-treated water into the regular water supply. I saw on the news that people were scrambling for bottled water and in some cases waiting hours in line for a gallon or two. I was hanging out in David Square on Saturday nite and wondered why all these people were walking with cases of water. The thing is that the water is safe for showering but not for drinking unless you boil it for a minute or two. So thats what I did and I have been drinking boiled water for the last few days and I have not fallen over dead yet. In fact I think that once the water is safe to drink again I am going to continue to boil my drinking water just to be on the safe side. It only takes ten minutes to boil a few gallons and it seems to taste just fine. It is important to note how excited people got about this and what the effect of it had on the general population. It would seriously suck if some asshole did something bad to our water supply and we had to stop using it for everything but the toilet. They say the ban may be lifted sometime this week and until then D&D's & Starfucks won't be serving coffee in the effected areas. Now thats the real scary part, what the hell are people going to do without their medium regular or their triple shot skinny mocha latte ?

One very important part of my recovery has been the establishment of routines. An example of this could be from my morning routine to paying bills on time. Another is actually getting my hair cut every eight weeks. I know that sounds trite but honestly its a big deal for me as I used to either not cut my hair or get my hair cut only if I had a wedding or some other function to attend where I needed to look like less of a slob than I really was. I had my hair cut in late December, late February, & now this past Saturday. I am actually doing what I have planned and following thru with shit. Such a difference than before and now people don't exclaim when I get it cut. Its expected. Its expected that I am an adult who does adult like things like getting my hair cut. It doesn't sound like that big of a deal and considering the big picture it isn't but in my tiny universe getting my hair cut three consecutive times on or around the planned date is exceptional. I have written previously about setting attainable goals and this would be an excellent example of one.

I am psyched for Marine Week Boston because it gives the public some insight on just what those men and women do for our country. Too many times does the public hear only when one of them has made the supreme sacrifice or has lost a limb, eyesight, &/or hearing abroad. I may not agree with some of the actions by our defense but I am a major supporter of our armed forces and each individual woman and man therein. The Marines are a very special organization and if it wasn't for their heroism, valor, & sacrifice our country would be a very different place. It is a hell of a way to make a living and I tip my hat to those who serve to make the world a better place for the United States Of America. Yes, the world a better place for the USA. Thats a pretty self serving statement but thats what out armed forces do for us, making the world a safer place for Americans and their allies. To be even more self serving I am looking forward to checking out some Marine babes in uniform and to check out their display of weapons. I would really like to get a pic of me holding a saw or maybe a rocket launcher so I can't forget my camera tomorrow. I have not personally known a solider, sailor, or Marine who has been KIA/MIA but I have known quite a few veterans who have served in Korea, Vietnam, Desert Storm I, & Desert Storm II and I have a tremendous respect for them. Oh, and have I mentioned how hot women are in uniform & in command of say a tank or a fire team? They are.