Pets, Death, &

Today is Sunday May Twenty Third Two Thousand Ten. I am up in Maine for what was going to be a relaxing weekend full of boating fun but all of that stopped yesterday around noon yesterday when my mother found one of their cats hanging by its neck in the garage. No, someone didn't kill the poor bastard, somehow he managed to stick his neck where it didn't belong and some part of the garage door contraption strangled him. Luckily I was at a meeting when the discovery was made and I am sure it wasn't pleasant. My pop is taking it very hard because he somehow blames himself and he was really damn close to that kitty. He was a cool cat, lots of energy and enthusiasm, he was always looking for any excuse to be outside. I am glad that he was around, even if it was only for a short time. What a way to go, such drama and I have to say that Gato would have been satisfied with that exit.

My family as a whole has pretty good success with pets. The two collies we had when I was growing up lived to be fifteen and sixteen I think. My mom's Siamese cat lived to be almost twenty and others lived well into their teens. We have this cool pet cemetery in the back part of the yard on the North Shore where many dogs, cats, rabbits, and even the occasional road or window kill would be buried. I know this sounds nuts but when my eventual dog goes to meet his maker, I am going to cremate the pup and throw his ashes in the ocean, just like my wishes are. Whats interesting is that my pop does not seem to share this luck, at least with felines because this is the third cat that was designated his and it has perished. Its really a shame as my pop loves all animals and it just happens that cats are about all they can deal with at this time in their lives. I'd love to get them another pup, but they are cat people for sure. I am going to get a pup for myself in the next couple of years now that I have learned to take care of myself I think I can start to take care of an animal.

I really have not had to deal with death too much in sobriety, at least on a first hand basis. My relatives passed away when I was active and I just got hammered and took a few xanax when I heard about someone's passing. I teared up a little when I discovered that my old friend Jeremy had over dosed a few years ago and there was a memorial website up. I react to death in my own way, I am not too shocked in the beginning as I do know how fragile life can be. I think the concept grows on me a little each day till I am able to understand that the person or animal I am familiar with is no longer up and at 'em. I hear the phrase "I am lucky to be alive" many, many times in meetings and I can honestly say that the idea isn't cheapened each time I hear it. When you are active, not only can the chemicals you are placing into your body cause you death but even more so, are the decisions you make when fucked up. You take risks and try new things that you wouldn't even consider sober. I won't even get into drunk driving, something that I practiced on a daily basis because there wasn't a time I wasn't drunk when I had to get to point "A" to point "B".

I had one of those magic moments in an AA meeting yesterday that I like to describe at length here on my blog. As usual I got to the meeting early and within a couple of minutes a member approached me and started to chat. She asked if I'd like to chair the meeting and without even really thinking about it I agreed. So there I was telling my story and helping the recovery of forty other people. I didn't even hesitate when the woman asked me to chair, it was an automatic reaction on my part. Its hard to describe how it made me feel if you have never been at a meeting before but I will try. First, I was sorta tingly due to nervousness as the chairperson's table was on a stage in the front of the room. Then after I spoke and people were responding to me I felt like there was a release of energy from my to the rest of the people in the room. I know that sounds totally new-agey and I should go wave a stick around and bless people but thats how it felt. Also, whenever someone was talking they made eye contact to me and I personally think thats an amazing thing about AA. You can look people in the eye and try to explain what the fuck is going on inside your head is an awesome thing. In any other situation I'd probably think to myself how I can get out of doing whatever was asked of me but when someone asks me to do something in AA, I am more than happy to do whatever is asked of me. I think thats because you can't really fuck anything up in AA. In my opinion the only thing you can do is to not keep your mouth shut when advised to do so. To talk out of turn and shit like that.

So with the bad comes the good and while I am sad for my folks that the cat died, I am happy that another kitty will come under the care of loving of my folks who are nutso about cats. The take very good care of them when they are around and when they travel the cats are boarded where they have multiple rooms to hang out in and have an ocean view from their "kitty kondo". The people who run this establishment are completely nuts, but then again you want someone totally dedicated to pets to take care of yours. The name of the place is "Pussy's Port Of Call" which does indeed sound like a bordello but they do a fine job with their charges. I think I may call the dude who runs it and explain the situation and perhaps he can call my pop. I have a t-shirt from there but I am afraid to wear it around town, perhaps I think it sends the wrong message. I also hesitate getting my own pet cat as it may send the wrong message. I know thats dumb and stupid but thats how I feel about it. Maybe I can convince some woman to live with me and then get a cat but who knows.

I've been thinking a bunch about how to deal with my friend who I am attracted to. She is a new but good friend and I don't want to ruin that but then again I don't want to go nuts myself. I don't think that she has any interest in beyond friendship and I think I just need to get over myself. She honestly cares about me and seems to enjoy my companionship so I need to just enjoy that. She also may be a good ally when I do find someone to date and get the skinny from a woman's point of view. I don't know if I should date someone in or out of the program and I have discussed the various merits of both here before. I should consider myself lucky that I don't need to go to the internet to meet woman like so many other folks before me. I have my music to meet woman outside the program, and the of course I have my meetings to meet women as well. The AA program suggests patience in your recovery and I think I have been patient so far and it would be a pity to fuck it up. I will just continue to live my life to the best of my abilities so that I am able to deal with whatever comes up in my life.

Gato, you were a hell of a cat who brightened up my day whenever I ran into you. You engaged me every time I saw you and it was obvious that you enjoyed me and my folks as your caregivers. You also touched the lives of my nephews and because of you they now own a pet themselves. Perhaps it is a precursor to a cat or dog or some other pet but its cool to see them learn how to care for something other than themselves. If you are true to yourself then you can be true to others and thats what life it all about. I mentioned yesterday that one of the reasons I like AA so much is that it is an example of people helping others with no financial considerations. You help to be helped and thats an amazing thing. Sure, at first I went because I liked the women in the group but the important thing is that I kept and will keep going to meetings for the rest of my natural life. The recovery program outlined in the pages of the Alcoholic's Anonymous texts work and work well. It is not a cult or a religious group, it is and always has been people helping people to improve their lives one day at a time.