Me, Myself, & Me Again

Today is May Tenth, Two Thousand Ten. A Monday. Seems like my life is accelerating faster and faster as I continue to "practice safe living thru recovery & self awareness". Or maybe "Self Awareness & Safe Living". "Safe Awareness & Self Living" doesn't really sound all the great. I've decided that in order to be happy I need to market myself in the best possible way and in order to do that I need to live in safety and be self aware, or aware of self. Whichever works, I guess. I don't mean cowering in a closet touching myself, but rather going out in the world with a sense of well being, that nothing can stand in the way of me living and loving my life. That why yes, in fact I am better than you in my opinion, and I am going to be happier and better adjusted than everyone else because I am firmly in control of what I am able to be in control of and I'm mighty fucking happy about that. I used to subscribe to "Better Living Thru Chemistry" I figured, fuck it, why do all the work if a pill or a line will make me feel better with no work whatsoever.

There are things in my life that I can control. What I place into my body is the first control. You can also control to some extent, some of the situations you place yourself in. Thats a big part of what AA teaches me, that I am the de facto director of my life and I shouldn't depend on others to figure out whats coming next. I should be the one to decide that and having that ability gives me great satisfaction. Fifteen months ago I released the control of my life to some professionals and I have worked very hard to gain that control back. With nobody watching by myself, I have managed to do the things that I promised myself I would do and while I do get a pat on the back every once and again, the biggest fan that I have stares back at me in the mirror every morning when I shave and every nite when I wash my face. Not only is it my biggest fan but also my biggest critic & the most gullible motherfucker on the planet. He believes everything I tell him and due to that I should be pretty damn sure of what I am telling it. There isn't anyone else in there to call me out in my lies and I need to make sure that I have a sound, solid foundation for any decision making.

I used to hang a towel on mirrors so I wouldn't see the freak looking back at me. That was me, long hair, beard, bloodshot eyes, sad & grim expression. That glassy eyed knowledge of a job poorly done without any followup or praise. I lived thru another day without getting arrested. Yay. I have enough drugs to last me till next afternoon and then I'm going to have to get creative with my accounts. That quiet pride of cheating life once again, that commitment to staying high achieved once more. The thing is tho, I didn't feel any sense of accomplishment any sort of swelling pride & ego that goes along with completing something. I felt more let down, that my life was the same as it was yesterday, last month, last year, and for the near future. I can keep this up for another day or two, I will think about sobriety later as its much easier to plan for the next day than for a lifetime. Thinking about a lifetime is scary, it smells of responsibility & integrity, smacks of holding up my end of the bargain in life when I didn't really want hold anything other than whatever vessel there was in my hand to transfer the chemical into my body. My god, my religion were chemicals and I thoughtfully and faithfully worshiped at that altar ever minute of every day.

The thing is however, sobriety is much easier than using every day when I think about it. Certainly the first few months of sobriety totally suck but once you get used to the idea and most importantly the feeling, life itself is simpler, easier. There is a lot more to it, obviously, then just not using by if you are able to change, learn, and give it a shot the end product is rewarding. Rather than just living from minute to minute, you are actively living that minute and looking forward to the next. Yes, life will be hard, difficult even, but that doesn't mean you won't be able to deal with what comes along. I have no doubt that when my parents are about to expire it will really suck, take an enormous amount of personal resources to deal with it but I will be able to deal with it rather than running away from my responsibilities and drowning my feelings in chemicals. What is going to happen will happen and the only thing that a person can do to change that is to be prepared. What will it feel like not to be able to speak with my mom and dan over the phone ? Or to have them not make any sense when you do ? Will that suck, yes, but it won't do any good to think that you can do something to change the outcome. That is what happens, people get old, their bodies & minds shut down, and then they die. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but in the end everyone goes and becomes fertilizer. Thats why I am going to be cremated and tossed into the Atlantic ocean.

Perhaps it sounds morbid to think about my parent's demise but its better than not thinking about it at all and being totally unprepared for when it happens. My Grandmother was a case in point, she relied on my Grandfather for so much that when he died she totally shut down. She wouldn't eat, speak with anyone, or do any of the basic life functions. A woman who raised two children couldn't even take care of her own life because her husband died. When he got sick she didn't allow her self to think that perhaps he wouldn't get better and die. She did not think about life without him and wasn't able to rationalize his death in her own mind. It appeared that she was in a state of shock for a number of years afterwords and she finally stopped eating and had to be connected to a feeding tube. She must have not been able to think about living beyond the life of her husband and that without him that life was not living. I think thats a bunch of bullshit. Yeah, someone you loved died and isn't around anymore and that sucks. Totally sucks balls even but that doesn't mean your own life is over and done with. One thing recovery has shown me is that we all effect people one way or another even if we are not aware of it and living life to the best of your ability is not only important to you as a human but to other people around you.