Who I am, Where I Am, & How I Am

Today is Wednesday May Fifth Two Thousand Ten. It is my firm belief that people who live in the northern climates appreciate nice days more than those who live where it is warm. We deal with months of shitty weather and its always so cool to see people around here come out from under their rocks and appreciate the sun for once. People just seem happier in the city when the sun is shining, more polite & tolerant. I am one of those annoying people who actually enjoy the winter, I love the snow, grey days, & winter nites. I will admit that "wintery mix" does suck but you have to take the good days with the bad around here. I love wearing jackets not only because they are comfortable but also because you actually have someplace to store all your crap that people of the two thousands seem to need. Let me see, when I leave my apartment I need the following items: keys, wallet, lighter, cigars, blackberry, cell phone, pager, & kindle. If I am not working I can leave the pager behind but I've found that I depend on my work blackberry more and more these days. Not only for the web interface but also for my calendar, I think I need to just relax.

I just send an email to a friend who is celebrating her second sobriety anniversary today. She has been a good friend to me over the past year and I seem to relate to her personality well. I don't remember precisely what she said after I spoke on my birthday but I do know that it made me feel really good inside. Its amazing what a kind word or two will do for someone's morale and outlook on life. The fellowship of AA is so important to me and one of the main reasons I love going to meetings. Someone mentioned the other nite that she had found an old pain killer in her bedroom the other day and she had two thoughts when she was looking at it. 1. It was only a single pill and it wouldn't do much. (addict) 2. How she badly she would feel when she reported back to the group that she had slipped. (addict in recovery) Thats exactly how I felt in the early stages of my recovery, I didn't want to let all these people down who supported & believed in me and how much of an asshole I would feel like if I was going to use. I realize that guilt is not a great thing to harbor but if feeling guilty about using makes the difference between using or not then I say guilt away.

Its been said that relapses start way before the actual act of relapsing starts. You stop believing in your recovery and begin to think that using again may not be such a terrible idea. Some folks think they can drink in safety or perhaps they were not as much of an alcoholic as they initially believed so they can start using again. That may be true for some people but I know that it is not true for me. If I am being honest with myself I know that there is not possible way for me to drink like a responsible person. There is no way I could just have one beer or one glass of wine or one cocktail. One would lead to another and then I'd be drunk all over again and I just don't want that to happen ever again. I've mentioned this before but when someone drinks mouthwash at four in the morning in order to sleep or get drunk, that someone has a serious problem with alcohol and there is no way in hell that they can drink like a normal person. As long as I remember that and keep things in perspective I won't lie to myself and think that I can drink again. Same goes for drugs, to me its all or nothing. I may not have been addicted to mary jane, LSD, MDMA, speed, or cocaine but that doesn't mean I should start taking them again. I've grown to like the feeling of being completely in control of my facilities and don't want to lose that feeling. I can feel advil when I take it for christ sake.

A colleague send me an email last nite with the subject line "Attitude" and I thought to myself, christ what did I do to piss this guy off ? As it turns out he mentioned that he liked my new attitude and confidence and that it fit me well. It was quite a flattering email and I responded noting that its easier to have confidence when you are honest with yourself. Thats the root of it really, I have confidence in my ability to stay sober so I am confident in my ability to do just about anything. There is a fine line between being confident and being an asshole and I can only hope that my normal compassion will stop me from being one. I really care about people, even those who I don't know personally and I've always been like that. I really don't care for people who are total dickheads till they get to know you or find out your are a friend of a friend. Why not just give people the benefit of the doubt, what assume at first glance that someone is an idiot ? I like to allow people to prove to me that they are a jackass rather than thinking that from the get go. That does not mean I don't make assumptions about people but I like to think that I give them a chance to redeem themselves.

First impressions are important and I shudder to think about some of the first impressions I've given people. When I get hammered I tend to be boisterous and don't listen very well. I can be talking to you for an hour and then forget not only what we talked about but also your name. Its not a sign of disrespect unless needing to be hammered twenty four seven is disrespectful. I do however believe that I was very disrespectful to my mom and dad when I would visit them. When I was active I always needed to be super jacked in order to deal with them. I don't really know why as they are pleasant interesting people but it just seemed like that was the case. Now I actually enjoy sitting down and spending time with them. They are, after all, my mom and dad who have given me everything they could. Some people try and tell me that my folks were somehow responsible for my additions and I think thats a crock of shit. Me and me alone is responsible for my actions and trying to lay the blame on two people who have shown nothing but love for me is ludicrous.

I was walking back from the MBTA last nite and doing my usual thinking thing and I was trying to gauge when I had felt the way that I feel today before in my life. I have to think that hasn't been since high school or maybe my last two years of college since I've felt this way. Once again, some of the AA writings are right on the money, how we don't mature or grow when we are active. After college I went from a weekend warrior to an every day user. I would smoke dope before work and all nite after and I really believe that I have not grown emotionally since then. I think thats why I feel the way I do, I was such a confident kid in high school and the last two years of college. The world was at my beck and call and I was already sucessful in my career and had a job that others could only dream about. Then for the next twenty years or so I just punched it in, working only to pay for the drugs and alcohol I consumed. The BB says that we should not regret the past but its damn hard not to as I totally dropped the fucking ball from my early twenties to last year. Being the optimist that I am, I am really fucking glad that I got sober when I did and that my hard work on my recovery is paying benefits in my life. I am at peace with who I am, where I am, and how I am.