Saying Too Much

Today is Thursday May Twenty Seventh Two Thousand Ten. Went out to dinner with a friend last nite and all I did was babble about my recovery. For ninety minutes at least I waxed and waned about the last fifteen months of my life and the various challenges and successes I've had. I sent her an email today not apologizing for yapping so much but let her know that I was aware of it. I don't know why I feel that I need to tell new friends so much about what I've been thru, you would think I get enough of that at meetings. Maybe its just hard to turn it off when you are so used to talking about shit that bothers you. I also promised that I do in fact talk about other subject beyond my recovery and thanked her for not running out of the place screaming. I'm sure that she wasn't offended or anything like that but I just wanted her to know that I was aware of what I was doing. Her friendship means a bunch to me and I would be sad if she thought I was just some mope who has nothing better to do in conversation that to talk about myself the entire nite.

Its interesting how I have all these AA friends and then my other friends and then beyond that I have some out of program friends who have only known me sober. They don't have any idea of just how much of a freak I was and have the potential to be. Maybe I was trying to scare her away because I am too juvenile for a relationship at this point. I'm not certain how she feels about me and I'm happy just to hang out with her but your subconscious mind works in devious ways. I guess I can tell myself that I was just placing my cards on the table and being honest with her so she would know what the hell she is dealing with. I try to be honest and communicate whats on my mind so that there are not surprises but thats not how life really works in reality. I dunno, I am one strange motherfucker.

So we went to this hot pot place where they sit a pot of boiling broth in front of you and you toss shit in there to cook it. Sounds good at first but it was pretty bland to say the least. We shared some beef and a veggie tray to boil and I can say that I don't like boiled beef much. The veggies worked well although there were some inedible things on the plate and some other substances with a shady consistency. I was disappointed by the food but I'm glad we checked it out. I was able to hang around in Chinatown for an hour or so beforehand and what a great place to do that. You get all kinds out there and you never know who you are going to see. This one dude had about ten layers of clothes on when it was in the nineties last nite. He also shuffled past me twice in an hour with no particular place to go, at least from my standpoint. Then there were the older Chinese folks who were doing what I was doing, people watching while talking loudly with one another. I wonder if Chinese people actually talk really loud or if it just seems that way to someone who doesn't speak their language. Or if it sounds like we are shouting when speaking English as I could swear this one dude was screaming at the other and they were about two feet apart and didn't seem about to enter into fisticuffs. I love the cultural differences between different parts of the globe and its a pity that people either hate or ignore something that is new and different.

I went to my regular meeting of junkies at the Parker House yesterday. Its where I completed my outpatient groups and i go back once or twice a month to check in and to take part in a group. I am always amazed at some of the shit that others have to deal with and how lucky I am to have just a drug and alcohol problem to deal with. I know that sounds nuts but I'd much rather deal with the challenge of staying sober than to deal with mental illness or family issues. This one woman's mom is a raging alcoholic who is in denial and throws whatever this woman says back in her face because she has dealt with her daughter's drug addiction. She mentioned that she has found her mom numerous times passed out drunk in neighbor's yards and in the basement and her mom still won't admit that she has a drinking problem. I dunno, when you start passing out wherever you seem to be, I think that you may want to look at your behaviors. I can't believe her husband who doesn't drink sticks around for the sake of the family as if my wife wasn't willing to seek help I would take some sort of action or at least move out for a few.

So I think I am going to spend money I shouldn't and buy another pedal bike rather than dump five hundred dollars into the bike I have now. Its sorta beat up and I need new rims, forks, and a few various and sundry items that would cost me about that much. A friend of mine can get Marin bikes at wholesale so I could get myself a pretty snappy bike for short money. The only thing is that I really should be saving money for a car and I don't need another bike. I just want another bike. Try as I may I just seem to be super impulsive when it comes to spending money. I spent all that cash on drugs and alcohol for all those years and now when I have money I seem to have the need to spend it on trips, clothes, and random shit for my bike. I dunno, I suppose I will learn sometime but I am thinking of quitting my job and I should be saving rather than spending.