Times Are Changing

Today is Tuesday May Twenty Fifth Two Thousand Ten. It is interesting to work in an environment where you know that management wants you gone, they just don't have the balls to show you the door. I know that my direct manager doesn't think that I a valued employee and is always documenting any problem that I happen to create. He will list certain events in my reviews that he wasn't happy with but he will give me no heads up at the time of the problem so that perhaps I can learn from my mistakes. He is also the most passive aggressive motherfucker I've ever had as a manager. Thing is, I gave him an out last fall, I offered to be shown the door as long as they wouldn't fight unemployment but nothing came of that. I don't really understand why they don't want to do that, plenty of other people who are no longer a good fit at their jobs are able to pull that off. I am not interested in digging myself out of whatever hole I've created here and really want to start somewhere new with a clean slate. Since ninety three I have worked for four companies so I am not used to going out and finding jobs and that is something that I need to work on.

Thankfully I have some cash saved but it is my intention not to quit till I have another job lined up. Actually, collecting unemployment would be sorta relaxing and would enable me to study for a couple of certifications that I should probably have. My main problem is that while I like working with the people I work and helping end users I am sick and tired of making sure wires connect in the correct way. It can be like watching paint dry and the problem is that it may be too late to do something other than what I've been doing for the last fifteen years. I'd love to start up something new but I'm not sure if going back to school would be a good idea. I'd love to do it sober of course and would probably learn a thing or two while I'm at it. I just don't know if being a student at age forty would be smart. Its never to late to learn I guess, I've proven that over and over again over the last fifteen months. Maybe if I could go as a full time student and then work a part time job. At least this is something that I could actually follow thru with rather than it being a pipe dream like so often before. To be honest, I'd love to get into some sort of therapy where I'd be helping people live their lives. Something to think about for sure.

The big difference between now and before is that I know if I start something now I will finish it. I just have to be damn sure that I want to start it or I will like and idiot later down the road. I've thought about law school but I don't want to be a lawyer and I need to be honest with myself. I suppose this could all change when I find another job and I should stop feeling sorry for myself. There are worse things than thinking your boss is a jackass and feeling like you are not doing anything at work. I'm sure there are millions of people every day that feel that way and I should feel blessed that it only happens now and again with me. I just looked around on line for some jobs in my industry and they are out there, I just need to make an effort to find them. Its not like someone is going to knock at my door some morning and say, "Hey motherfucker, come work for us !" I need to put myself out there and make people aware of my talents. I think I would be best served in managing technical people or serving as a conduit between the user and technical communities. I think I have technical skills as well as good inter personal skills and somehow I need to find a job that combines that. At least if I didn't have a job now I wouldn't spend all of my free time at a bar drinking my worries away while creating new ones.

Enough of the self serving bull. There was a speaker last nite who spent almost an entire year on a pysche ward. I had no idea. I mean I knew that this person had been hospitalized, its not a very rare thing in AA but to have been locked up for that long is amazing. I respect this person very much and have learned from their sobriety and don't think they are particularly nuts or anything like that. I can just not imagine this person hurting as bad as they described last nite and once again it is a miracle of the program that this person is able to interact with other people and live a rewarding life. I think that AA is a big reason why I'd love to go into counseling. Its really cool to see people getting better before your eyes and I think that it would be something I could be good at. Last nite's speaker basically had given up, locking them self in their room not wanting to speak with anybody & self medicating the day away. Wow, what a change, what a good change.

People have told me that they see a major change in me as well and I get the feeling that its not just lip service or people trying to be nice. They tell me that I was very twitchy and all over the place hyper when I first came into the halls and thats not what I remember at all. I remember being pretty relaxed but evidently that wasn't the case or as how people remember it. My pscyhe doc from detox once told me that I was all over the place when he examined me in detox but I was kinda like, well ya, I was in detox dude. Your body gets really fucking used to being fucked up and it doesn't like it when you decide to stop doing it. I am amazed when people talk about how they were able to get sober by themselves and then start attending meetings. There is no why I could pull something like that off, & I def needed a seven day lock down like I had.

I've always said that once I got my personal stuff worked out then it was time to work out the professional stuff and I think the time is now. I just seem to be like a bull in a china shop this week with one problem or mistake multiplying one another. I really feel that if I don't find something by the end of the summer then I should really think about walking. I want to work at least a thousand hours this year as its important to my future benefits for the year so I think I can do that much. I've always said that anything after my detox here was gravy, they totally could have fired my ass during that time period and they didn't so I am thankful for that. We will see what happens, perhaps I will get a really, really, long vacation this summer.