Thirteenth Stepping Sucks

Today is Tuesday May Fourth Two Thousand Ten. I am in a great mood today which isn't any different than any other day I wake up sober but I have an extra spring in my step. I've decided to re focus my weight loss efforts for the next thirty days to see how much I can lose. I plan to do a minimum of thirty minutes of cardio every day for the next thirty and to watch my diet even more than I do now. I've been cheating a bit with chocolate chip muffins and the occasional slice of pizza and I've decided that sort of stuff is off the menu till June. I've been hovering right around two hundred eighteen pounds for the last month or so and I really want to get down to two ten. I don't think it will be too much of a problem and I plan not to weigh myself till the end of the the thirty day period. It will be interesting to see what happens.

I'm pretty happy at work these days and I think I am in the process of rebuilding trust with my manager. I don't blame him for being like he was because I did often lie to him about what was going on and did some really shitty work as a result. Whats interesting is that I accomplished a goal that I thought was very important when it was required to be completed and I didn't hear anything about it from him. I waited a month and then asked him what he thought and he hadn't checked it out yet. I guess thats a good thing because if he was looking for a reason to fire me, not meeting that goal would have been good fodder for the HR cannon. I'm also dressing much better than I have and try to make myself visual rather than hiding in the shadows like I used to. Another gift that recovery has given me is confidence in my abilities and I know that I can get another job if my time here is at an end. I am still going to see if I can get that job in media services and I think that would be a really good fit for me. They still have not posted a job rec as of yet but when they do I plan to be prepared to interview and to really sell myself to the management.

I am very excited that a band I really dig is playing in Boston this summer but the only problem is that tickets go onsale at ten am on Saturday so I will have to miss my Saturday meeting in order to get the tickets. I promised myself that I would always place my recovery first before anything and here I am planning to skip a meeting for tickets. Its not like they are going to sell out or anything but I really want to get good seats to the show. They don't play here very often and I am sure I can come up with a variety of reasons why skipping the saturday morning meeting is an excellent idea. There is an eight am twelve step meeting that I could attend and then pedal my ass home in time for the ten am onsale time so I think thats what I am going to do. I think my point here is that at least I am thinking about it and not just skipping it wholesale, its not going to kill me if I miss a particular meeting as long as there is another one I can attend. I know that my sponsor goes to that meeting sometimes and who knows, perhaps there will be some AA babes there for me to meet and talk to.

Speaking of dating and AA a woman spoke last nite about what they calling "thirteenth stepping". That is an action that occurs when a member with longer sobriety picks up a member with shorter sobriety. I think its shameful that someone with years of sobriety would sleep with someone who has a few weeks sober. When you are newly sober you are looking for validation from anyone or anything and a stable sober person may seem like an excellent idea. Sort of like a warm blanket that talks, claims to understand you, and is supportive. I think they are fucking frauds and should be banned from the program. There is of course no way to enforce something like that but I just don't think thats a very cool thing to do. One of the things that AA teaches us is to be trustworthy and patient which are two very important parts of the program to me. To take advantage of someone's trust like that makes me very upset and angry. Human behavior being what it is, stuff like this is bound to happen but that does not excuse it. Also, it happens with women to men, men to women, women to women, & men to me and any way to you look at it someone it taking advantage of someone else. I am sure that some of these early recovery relationships have worked out but again I just don't think its a very fucking cool thing to do to another human being.

That being said, it does not mean that people can't date within the program. I have met many couples who found each other in AA and it works for them. I have written on my blog that there are quite a few women in the program that I find attractive and would consider dating but thinking about something and acting on it are two completely different animals. I would never hook up with a member who had less than a year of sobriety and I would have to get to know her very damn well before I would even consider acting on my impulses. Its a fine line to consider because while on the surface it seems like an awesome idea, you both have something in common, both understand what recovery is, and are both working to make your lives better. On the other hand, what the fuck happens when one of you decides that sobriety isn't for them and starts using again. Does the other person start using so you have more in common, do you break up with the other, do you ignore what is going on for the sake of the awesome sex you are both having ? Also, what happens if you go to the same meetings and then have a spat where one of both of you feels uncomfortable in each other's presence. Do you stop going to those meetings and stop talking to mutual friends ? Thats one of the reasons that if I was to ever start dating someone in Cambridge AA she would have to be one special fucking woman. As awesome as it would be to have a girlfriend who knows what I am going thru and understands what recovery is about my personal sobriety and recovery program is much more fucking important than a relationship.