Hanging Out

Today is Monday June Fourteenth Two Thousand Ten. I had a fun but interesting weekend and I figured I would reflect on it here as thats what this blog is for. Before I write about it I just thought that I'd give thanks for everyone who has helped me thus far in my recovery and how lucky I am to have the friends and family that I do. There is no way I could have done it solo and while it was hard to ask for help I am very glad that I did. I know that all I have to do is to pick up the phone and call someone or send off an email makes me feel safe. I know that I have people out there that care about me and my recovery gives me confidence and allows me to trust people. Most importantly is allows me to trust myself and have faith in my program that will allow me to take risks in order to live a happy and fulfilled life.

So I went out with my friend (let call her ##)that I've been writing so much about. We went to the sox game and then to the beehive to see some friends of mine play. First off she looked amazing. Simply beautiful. I learned later that she normally doesn't wear makeup and while I think she is very sexy without being made up she looked even better. Thats a big change for me, previously I wasn't all that psyched for women who painted themselves but now I know if its done well it can look awesome. I have to admit that I was really fucking proud to be with her even if I knew we were not going to end up naked and sweaty. ## seemed to dig the ball game and certainly liked the beehive and the band that played. We had an awesome table there, close enough to see and hear them but not too close so that we had to yell at each other. I made her laugh and there were not any uncomfortable pauses that I can remember. It would be really easy to treat her just as eye candy because I do find her so attractive but she really has something to say and has definite opinions that she stands behind. I don't think ## gives herself enough credit for what she has above her lovely breasts but she is def bright.

After that nite I could have slept the rest of the weekend and been ok with it. Other than going to the gym and a couple of AA meetings I didn't have much on the docket. I thought about perhaps trying to talk some folks into going out to see some music but I didn't have much hope of that. I laid my head on my pillow and about an hour later my phone blew up with texts. About and hour after that a friend was going to pick me up we were going to ##'s house for dinner and some movies. Sweet I thought, an evening with two females I admire and one I am trying hard not to fall in love with. When we arrived at ##'s house there were some other folks there and while I was disappointed I was ok with it. The only problem was this drunk dude that seemed to want to harass me every fucking time we interacted. I just ignored him like I do most drunk people and he didn't like that. He took every thing I said and assumed every answer to every question was something aggressive. It was really bizarre, he even took offense at the t-shirt I was wearing. It was a K2 shirt with a mountain climber on it, how the fuck does that piss you off ? I really have never run into someone like this before in sobriety, if I was loaded I would have knocked him out. Thats what he seemed to want me to do, to antagonize me, to goad me into starting something with him. It was really fucking bizarre and while ## apologized to me for how he was acting it had nothing to do with her. Maybe active alcoholics can sense people in recovery so they go after them.

Anyway, after everyone else was either asleep or on the road ## and I talked. And talked, and talked till four thirty in the morning. It was good to get to know her better and it only serves for me to care about her more. I told her stuff I've only told a few other people outside the program and she seemed to understand. She did ask one question in particular. Same question another woman asked me and that was would I ever drink again. I don't know if my sobriety it a hindrance to her wanting to get into a relationship with me or if she was just curious. I explained to her why I couldn't drink again and I think she got it. One thing is for sure, it doesn't matter how cool or hot someone is, I won't drink to get to know them better or the please them in some way. It hurts a bit, to think that a woman won't want me or take me serious because I'm in recovery but thats how it is. I wouldn't even be having a conversation like that if I wasn't sober and I have to remember that always. I also have to remember that some people have only known me sober so they don't know what I was like when I was drinking. I explained to ## about my heroin addiction and my subsequent subutex maintenance, to lay all my cards on the table. It felt good telling her all of that, all I've been thru and it wasn't because I wanted to impress her somehow or make her feel sorry. I told her all of them so she can make an informed decision on how she feels about me, to be a man with integrity & honesty, a man with nothing to hide. It felt good.

## spoke a bit about her boyfriend of eight years. She mentioned that he did something to "shatter her universe" and how controlling he was. He spoke of how e didn't want them living together till they were married and how he would shower her with jewelry and other gifts. She had this disgusted look on her face when she was talking about him but I can see that the pain is still pretty fresh even after a couple of years. All I know is that this guy is fucking nuts to hurt someone like ## and I am pretty sure he regrets whatever it was that he did to her. Maybe I will find something dark about her personality or something but from what I see and know now, she is a gentle & caring woman who would be fun to share my life with. If I didn't enjoy her company so much I think I would be able to move on and not be as patient as I am. This is a woman not to take lightly, someone who could really be an asset in my life and she is def worth any amount of time and effort till I have the balls to tell her how I feel. My heart does a little pitter patter whenever I see a text message from her or an email, that has not stopped. I took a bit of a risk yesterday by giving her a t-shirt that I bought last fall. I didnt really get into the story of how I came to own it but she def deserves it and I know she was psyched. I feel like I'm in high school now, which I guess it a step up from the middle school feelings I had six months ago.

Point is, I am having fun with this and she makes me feel good. It would be a pity if things didn't go any further but thats life. I am going to try and act like an adult and not to let my feelings get in the way of what is starting to be a good friendship. If I tell her my feelings and she runs away laughing then I will know that it wasn't meant to be and I will move on to other things. One thing I am not going to do is to not take action and not say whats in my heart and on my mind.

Happy Day, Happy Life

Today is Wednesday June Ninth Two Thousand Ten. Lots to write about today and I am pretty muthafuckin' happy today for lots of reasons. The first is the woman in my life that I am most attracted to has magnificent breasts and since its summer they should appear more often when I am around her. I'm still too much of a pussy to tell her how I feel but I am working towards telling her something. I just don't want the festival we are going to together to be awkward so I am going to wait till at least after it happens. Who knows, perhaps it will be totally obvious to me before then but I am sure things will work out for the best and the way they should. I just need to keep in mind that not only are there multiple women that talk to me and seem interested but I actually have something to offer them. Thats the real difference now and how I deal with them is much healthier. Case in point, I sent an email Monday afternoon inviting my hopeful paramour to the baseball game on Friday. I didn't hear anything and of course the first thing that went thru my head is that somehow she found out that I am really a total jackass and doesn't want anything to do with me. So I sent her a text this morning asking her about Friday and she hadn't seen the email yet and responded right quick that indeed she would like to go to the game with me and my secret life as a jackass has not been uncovered.

I like to yap to others in AA that I try not to set myself up for failure but I don't always practice that in my daily affairs. But life is about taking sensible risks and talking to, spending time with, and entertaining a woman who I find attractive in more than one way is a sensible risk to me. Its not like she doesn't know who I am and I am gazing at her thru binocs or something like that. We communicate often, spend quality time together, and I have to concentrate when I talk to her so my gaze doesn't plunge downward like her neckline. Woman know what the fuck they are doing when they dress, well except for maybe most of the eighties. They know when they show a little boobage that hetero men like that and will appreciate the efforts on their boobies behalf. I was jawing about her to a friend of mine and he said that it sounds like we are beginning an intimate friendship, that is sharing things that occur only between us, and thats a great sign. I have been thinking for a while now that if she and I don't end up dating then she will be like a sister to me. I hope thats not creepy or anything, but I just feel a connection that goes beyond what I feel with other women.

Ok, enough scribbles about her. As you can tell I could write pages and pages about this woman. I friend I used to ingest heroin with contacted me and asked me to be his sponsor. Unlike my normal answer in all AA related activities my first answer was no but then I thought about it. I can at least be his temporary sponsor and perhaps help him find someone permanent. He did reach out to me and I wasn't there to help him out but I can't let myself be upset about it. I did write him a note on email detailing how I work my program and that anyone I sponsor should be willing to entertain my suggestions. There is also another friend of mine who lives closer to him that may be an excellent fit for me. People are ready to get sober when they are ready to get sober and I can't expect my sponsee to have the same program success as I have. Thats why I think it was good that I immediately didn't say yes and was able to think about it for a few. Being impulsive was such a part of my make up for so long it sometimes surprises me when I think things thru. What I need to remember is that he is looking to get healthy and is asking for help, sometimes people are not even able to get to that step and die and active addict.

Parents are weird. It must be strange to make a life, care for the life, watch the life grow and flourish, watch the life almost die, and then watch the life be reborn into something they can be proud of. My mom apologized to me the other day for worrying about me and I told her that if anyone was allowed to worry about me it would be her and my pop. Without fully realizing it I have put them thru so much and made them worry about my welfare. My mom once told me that many nights she would go to bed and wonder if I was still alive or if I would somehow die that eve. Thats pretty fucking creepy but its the truth. My mom may be many things but she is honest. And she doesn't even know the half of what I was up to. Mixing different drugs and alcohol, combos which should have killed me. If she knew all that then she would really worry about things. She also told me that she wants me to succeed and I think part of that in her mind is for me to get married. I didn't want to mention to her that most people need to have a girlfriend for a while before they get married and since I don't have a girlfriend at the moment I should probably focus on that. To placate her a but I told her that there is someone special and she said that she "has her fingers crossed". Great, throw some superstition at the issue.

I guess I've always liked the idea of having a girlfriend, someone to share stuff with, someone to make happy. someone to learn from but I didn't want to do the work that having a girlfriend entailed. First off is getting into shape, I def didn't want to do that, hell I didn't even want to shower those last six to eight months. I used to go four, five, and sometimes six days not showering. Since I had a beard and had long hair it wasn't obvious from a distance but get up close and you could probably smell what was going on. Maybe I thought the body odor would cover up the smell of booze in some small way. Like any other part of my life I wouldn't do my laundry unless I absolutely had to and even then I wouldn't use much soap or none at all because I didn't have any. Fucked up shit for sure. I love having clean and new clothes now, love smelling good, and love to be clean. It took some time before I wouldn't smell like ass at the end of the day, it was as if there was some smelly carry over. I remember others who sat near me at work complaining about something smelling and I would always blame my feet. Fucking nasty and this is the first time I've talked about it since I got sober. It was as if I was just totally shutting down and didn't give a shit about myself, didn't respect myself anymore.

I think thats why I am pretty vain about how I look these days. I like how I look now and look forward to looking better in the future, wearing clothes that fit, haircuts that look cool. I carefully monitor the amount of gray in my hair and you better fucking believe that I am going to dye that shit when it becomes too obvious. Distinguished my ass, gray hair makes me look old and thats fucking it. I don't want people to realize immediately upon seeing me that I am my age, I like it when people think I am much younger than I am. I don't know why I don't look older, after all I drank every day for a decade. Maybe the booze helped me somehow, I dunno. I am feeling younger, sobriety and working out help that and I feel that I am living life well these days and I appreciate every day that I have on this earth. I look forward to the day rather than dreading it like the past. Plus I get to hang out with a woman with nice boobs, now that is awesome. I hope I get a chance to show her my sincere appreciation of the gift that god gave to her.

A Poor Choice ? I Think Not !

Today is Monday June Seventh Two Thousand Ten. I'm glad its Monday. No really, I am psyched to get this week over with and continue to next weekend. Yep, its going to be one of "those" weeks, when I can taste Friday afternoon on a Monday morning. Normally I don't like to talk about the weather but we had some hella weather yesterday. For about an hour or so it looked like a hurricane outside my living room window and a bunch of trees a few streets over were uprooted. They knocked down power lines, smashed cars & houses, and generally fucked things up. That was just two blocks away, at street there were branches and shit like that but no trees on the ground and we had power thru out the afternoon. Of course during times like this they tell you to stay away from the windows and to take cover and we were either looking out the windows or I was walking to the Tibetan place for dinner. Human nature to look at crap thats going on outside, I wonder what homeless folks do during stuff like that? Must totally suck not to have a place to call your own, a place to rest your head. Granted I've been close to homelessness myself although I could have found refuge at my mom and dad's house or at a friends but if I had lost my job at a few certain times I would have been fucked to say the least.

Plenty to report about my social life but I won't go over it in excruciating detail other to say that I am glad that I am me and glad that I'm in recovery. I think I wear sobriety well and that life is going to turn out ok for me. I may not have children of my own but I will def have someone to share my life and adventures with later on down the line. To think I was actually seriously considering killing myself as a way out, an "answer" to my problems is ridiculous and petty and does not take into consideration other people's feelings. To think that I really thought in my head that it was a good idea just shocks me. Not to say that I am capt awesome or anything like that but I do feel that I contribute to the lives of my friends and I am occasionally able to make them laugh and smile. Hopefully my friends look forward to hanging out with me as much as I do. For some reason thats super important to me, to make a difference in someone's day, a difference for the better.

So Friday nite I met an ex and her husband for drinks and conversation. It is important to note that she is from and continues to live in Madrid so its not like I run into them often. In fact, the last time I had seen her was when she left for a vacation in the Canary Islands where she met her future husband. I wanted to dislike him for nothing more than being the apple of someone's eye who was once the apple of mine. He was a really nice guy, outgoing without being annoying and a good balance for her. She seems very happy with him and they have three children together so something must be working. He does something in finance but she is able to continue working with some sort of balance in their lives. I am not sure how much B told him about our friendship, whether or not he knew that we once swapped bodily fluids but he seemed genuine and cool. B of course, looked awesome, just as awesome as she did when we hung out fifteen years ago. I was invited to their wedding but that was waaay beyond my comfort level then. I think I could probably hack it now and now I would have a date for the event so things would be different. I told B I was sober and sort of explained things to her and she was really cool about it. Not that I excepted her to shoo me away but I am pretty sure she is worried about her brother and I wanted to show her that its possible for people to be in recovery and have fun while living and getting better.

There were also a couple of other women from my college there and it was interesting to see and talk with them. To be honest it was nice to be around women my own age for once, not that there is anything wrong with the group that I am with now. It was refreshing to get their perception of me as a man in recovery who actually has something going for him. It really helped in my self confidence in dealing with the situation I find myself in now. I won't rehash what I wrote the other day but I do feel that I bring something to the table and the perhaps she may be interested in something beyond friendship. That she isn't nice to me because she feels bad or wants something from me, she honestly likes to spend time with me like I do with her. She said a couple of things to me Friday nite that were surprising in a good way so I am feeling good about how things are going between us. Either way I will be happy but I'd be lying if I said I would be super disappointed if she didn't at least harbor a few romantic feelings for me. If she doesn't, I will really need to work on my female radar skills. I know that they are super rusty at this point but that doesn't mean they shouldn't work at all. When I explain some of her actions to male friends of mine, they tell me the writing is on the wall, that she is attracted to me. But I think thats just male ego talking most of the time, I need to talk to a woman who doesn't know her and try to get some type of translation.

I've been listening to my ipoddy a bunch these days. I go thru phases with that thing, some weeks I will use it on my commute and at the gym and then it will sit for months, unloved. Anyway, PH!SH has been in rotation as I am getting ready to see them in a few weeks, actually two weeks from tomorrow down in Mansfield. Should be pretty damn fun as I am leaving work at noon and then don't have to be back till noon the next day. I am hoping to catch a ride down there early with someone from work and then crash at my friend's house close by and then taking the train in the next day. I am sure it sounds very complicated for an concert but PH!SH shows have a way of getting super complicated. Whenever you mix travel, partying, and groups of people shit gets complicated. I am also looking forward to seeing how I deal with my friends partying in general and one special friend in particular. I want her to feel comfortable with having me be sober without having to second guess everything. Thats one of the big unknowns for me beyond whether or not she wants to get funky. Would something like that work or should I focus on just sober women ? I am hoping I am able to lay chilly with what she is doing and just go with the flow. One thing I don't want to happen is to hook up just because she is wasted and making poor choices. I don't want to be a poor choice, that would really suck.

A Simpleton's Object Of Attraction

Today is Thursday June Third Two Thousand Ten. Thirsty Thursday ! I'm pretty thirsty most other days and in my drinking career Thursday was no different than any other weekday although I was usually able to convince someone else to go out drinking with me. Earlier in my drinking career at least, before I needed so much more booze than everyone else and people started noticing. I was talking to my sponsor about this yesterday, when I was active I would just not talk to or ignore people that dared to speak up about my drinking. When it became super obvious that I needed to drink three to four times as much as other people I started to drink alone. I would drink before I went out so it didn't look like I was drinking differently than other people I was with. Fir years I had a flask full of hundred proof bourbon because that gave me more bang for the small amount I could comfortably carry. After a while that was too little and I started carrying fifths, liters, and finally half gallons in my backpack at all times. I can't believe that no one ever noticed that I had clinky bottles with me in my pack and that I thought this was a perfectly fine way of living. It wasn't as if I thought I wasn't a problem drinker, I just didn't have a problem with the way I was drinking and didn't think it effected other people. That has been the biggest eye opener so far in sobriety, knowing that my actions had an effect on people. In fact, thats one of the reasons why I stay sober even tho all of the reasons should be internal, I stay sober because I know I would be letting people down if I started drinking again.

Might as well get this over early in today's writing, I've got it bad with my sweet friend. I've really tried to get over her but I can't seem to. Not only is she a babe but she is smart, cool, and appears to love music and going to see music as much as I do. I've been looking for someone like this for years but never found her. She goes to shows without having an apparent drug or alcohol problem, she is girly but is tough, and she has an amazing sense of compassion in her dealings with me. I don't get the vibe that she is a fixer and her friendship with me is due to her wanting to repair something broken, she is caring without being coddling. I guess I don't give myself enough credit that she may perhaps be attracted to me but I do know that she just came off a long term relationship and I doubt she is looking to get into anything beyond a friendship at this point. I feel kinda scummy tho because her I am preaching honesty and integrity but I am not willing to tell her how I feel. I don't want to be like some lost puppy following her around and I want to prove to myself that men and women can be really close friends without being intimate. I keep telling myself that her friendship is enough for me and I can tell myself that all I want to but my feelings for her go beyond friendship.

When I was active the solution to this problem would have been simple. I would have given myself two choices. The first would be to stop talking to her and drink even more, shutting myself off from everyone and everything. I would mumble hello if I ran into her at shows and try to forget I was ever attracted to her in the first place. The second solution would be to go out and get very drunk with her in order to work up the courage to make a pass at her and perhaps numb her decision making skills enough so that she wouldn't know what she was doing. If I was rebuffed then I would just follow up with solution number one and forget anything happened. I feel that I owe it to myself and to her to try and find out if something between us can be developed and looked at. I do feel a connection beyond simple lust, she does seem to like to spend time with me and genuinely gives a shit about what I am doing. I sorta feel like I am walking on eggshells because if I try and fail I will beat myself up over taking action when action was called for. Fucked up I know but thats my nature these days, its like I am learning this stuff all over again and I am in eighth grade once more. I've thought about talking to her friends about her supposed interest in me but I'm afraid to go that route.

I need to get over myself and have to deal with this before I drive myself crazy. Does a beautiful well adjusted woman want to have a relationship with an alcoholic drug addict ? Thats the big fucking elephant in the room. Regardless of everything else I bring to the table, thats what I am. Is she willing to trust my sobriety and have the willingness to try and understand the challenges that I may have to confront. I'm trying not to use my addictions as an excuse not to take any action because that would be contrary to how I'm living my life. What I do know is that there is a smart, cool, sweet smelling woman who appears to enjoy hanging out with me. She returns my various communications promptly and suggests activities where we can interact with one another. We will be spending a long weekend together at a music festival and she appears to really be looking forward to our time together. I guess to most normal people the writing is on the wall but I am not like more normal people and confidence is not one of my strong points.

Being an alcoholic and addict does suck but it could be worse. There are many people in the program with acute mental illnesses who are dealing with a whole other host of issues beyond substance abuse. I don't hear, see, or smell things that are not there, I don't have severe mood swings one way or another, wasn't abused by anyone, was lived as a child. There is really nothing wrong other than substance abuse and perhaps a lack of self confidence. I spent so many years telling myself that I was a piece of shit who wouldn't or couldn't stop drinking and using drugs that it is sometimes difficult for me to believe that I actually have some good points and that people enjoy hanging out with me. I guess thats the biggest hurdle for me so far in my recovery, believing that this awesome woman likes to spend time with me and that I have something to give. I tell ya, if I ever date this women it would cement an already very, very strong belief that I am doing to correct thing by facing my demons and doing something about it. I apologize to anyone who just read this fucking pity party but I needed to write down what has been going thru my head since the weekend. At least I am interacting with her and will have the chance to find out what her true feelings are. If I can't decide for myself I will just have to be a big boy and ask her. Now thats an idea.

Weekend So Far

Today is Sunday May Thirtieth Two Thousand Ten. I think I should have long weekends every week but somehow I don't think management would go for that. Its just super nice not to have anything to do that really matters tomorrow and makes Sunday much less stressful. There is one or two departments at the hospital that allow some of their staff to work four ten hour days so they get one extra day off a week. I need to somehow work for a department like that. I need to get the hell out of my current job but I've moped enough about that here.

Went to a cool wedding yesterday up in Manchester, MA. An old friend from college married a really sweet woman and the ceremony was right on the water. The reception that followed was super mellow and enjoyable. It was cool for me because the last time I had seen many of these folks I was fat and drunk. This time I was sober and less fat and everyone seemed pleasant to me with the exception of one friend's wife. Maybe she was preoccupied with someone else but normally she is really psyched to see me and always talks my ear off but not this time. Don't really know why and I don't have any memory of doing something horrible to her. I had the chance to catch up with my friend Kev who was probably my best friend in college and whose wife I really enjoy hanging out with. He mentioned that he didn't see that I had any problem with drinking and perhaps I just hid it well from him. He was concerned about my hard drug use and the people I hung out with and I appreciate that. He asked me time and again about my sobriety and it was really good to be honest and forthcoming about what was going on with me. There was also another couple who I had not seen in awhile who I was really psyched to see and talk with and they live only a few miles from me.

The real star of the show was my date. She was great, personable, was able to talk to everyone comfortably and seemed to enjoy herself. She smoked like a chimney but thats ok with me, there are worse things for me to worry about. The thing is that I was able to leave her solo and she was totally comfortable with that. She looked great of course, she always see,s to be able to pull that one off. We spoke a bit on the way home, touching on subjects that we don't normally speak about and I enjoyed it. She mentioned why she broke off her engagement three years ago and how that effected her. I still don't know if I could date her but I am going to enjoy my time with her and consider her a good friend. She wanted me to go to an bachelorette party last nite and I bowed out from that one. All my married friends thought I was crazy, hanging with a bunch of drunken women is not my idea of a good time and its not as if I know the woman who is getting married.

I feel good. Good with where I am and good about how far I've gone. I have good friends who enjoy hanging out with me. I guess more important is that I enjoy hanging out with other people. They don't stand in the way between me and my buzz because I am not going after a buzz. My friend asked me last nite if I could ever drink normally again. I answered no because while I wasn't a real blackout drinker I would always drink to get a buzz. I did blackout once in a while but not every time I got loaded. I don't know if she was understanding or disappointed when I answered that was but I thought that honesty was the best policy these days. I just need to realize that I can never drink like a normal person and that I shouldn't care what other people think about that.

I am going to a friend's house for a cook out today and my god daughter and her sister will be in attendance. I made sure to ask their mother if that was cool and promised that I wouldn't make a big deal and just be another elderly guy shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. Her and her sister's welfare means a bunch to me and in fact I have left 25% of my "estate" to them in my will. I reads 25% to nephew A, 25% to nephew B, 25% to god daughter, and 25% to Alcoholics Anonymous. If I ever get married or live with someone for more than five years then I will re write it. My life insurance goes to my brother and I think thats about it. The educational trust that was left to me doesn't really become mine till my mother passes so I don't have to worry about that right now. Don't know why I thought I needed to get everything down in writing as I plan to live for another fifty years at the least but if people don't know what your wishes are then how the hell can they do them when you become worm food. Its my desire to be cremated and my ashes tossed into the Atlantic ocean somewhere, probably Plum Island or somewhere else on the north shore.

Weekend Is Finally Here !

Today be motherfucking Friday the Twenty Eighth of May Two Thousand Ten. I am very happy. Happy to be alive, happy to be sober, happy that its Friday, happy to just be. I am just so fricking lucky to have what I have and to be who I am. I know that I am going to look back very fondly at this second year of sobriety and the absolute joy I have towards life and those who play a part within it. I have friends who actually give a shit about me and who want to spend time with me, thats so far from where I was just two years ago I can't even believe it. Its so awesome that hard work can may off dividends and its those dividends that make me want to continue working on my recovery. I'm not just talking about actually having sexual relations with a woman again although that it awesome to think about. I am just talking about people wanting and trusting my friendship and how they listen when I talk to them. They are real friends and are not hanging out with me because I can do something for them or I can supply them with some substance.

For the past three weeks I've been trying to buy a pair of Birkenstock Arizona sandals off the interwebs for less than sixty bucks. The retail price for this footwear is over a hundred bucks so I've been looking for a less expensive way. I don't want to buy knock offs because I don't think they are as comfy and may not last as long. Anyone who has not worn birks have no idea of just how awesome they are but those of us who have know the secret. Christ, they are made by Germans and how many crappy products come from Germany ? Anyway, I purchased one pair with fake leather uppers for fifty three bucks and the company said they were sold out of them. Fine I thought, that was a fluke so I took a chance and bought another pair, this time a totally rubber birki from the same company for thirty bucks. Sold out again. Fuck you, I thought so I went to another company and just ordered some clearance ones with real leather in black for sixty three dollars including shipping. I really hope they actually have them as it annoys me when merchants have products for sale on the interwebs but don't have any inventory to support them. I am pretty sure thats illegal and called a bait and switch. The merchant gets you onto their website with the promise of saving money but then they try to sell you something for a bunch more money. Not going to happen to this sucker...

I will be seeing my god daughter for the first time in five years on Sunday and I am really looking forward to it. I am not going to make a big deal that I am her god father, I just want to re establish a friendship with her if possible and begin to get to know her once again. She is only nine so I don't think she remembers meeting me when she was younger. I do hope that she still has the silver cup that I gave her folks when she was born, her sister should have one as well. I hear she is quite a little lady and its going to be interesting to see how much she has grown. I sent their mom an email to make sure everything was copacetic and it was. She said that I didn't have to ask but I just want things to be out in the open between us, esp when it comes to her kids. I will spare people's feelings if I can but I have found that it is better to be honest than to deceive. I think that humans are inherently dishonest and it takes work not to lie on a daily basis. I am proud to be able to look in the mirror and honestly say that I didn't have to lie to anyone that day. Its another one of those miracles of sobriety everyone keeps talking about !

I think my mom and dad are starting to get over the death of their cat. I am amazed at the mourning period, perhaps I am noticing stuff like that more often than before but they finally seem to have righted the SS parental units. My mom said that she was crying every morning and my pop wasn't eating. As I said before he was a pretty cool cat and its amazing how attached people get to their pets. I think also it was the suddenness of the death, one day he was there and the next he wasn't so they didn't have any time to prepare themselves. I am hoping this doesn't prohibit them from picking up another cat in the future, I am sure they won't be as psyched to let the cat outside like they did the previous one but I hope they get one just the same. Cats are such a hoot and such a big part of my folks life as they don't seem to be able to relate to their grand kids on any level. Well, my pop can but my mom seems to think that she is a martyr and ALWAYS mentions when my pop pays for shit. She doesn't seem to understand thats what the fuck grandparents do, they pay for shit when the grand kids visit. Thats what my grandparents did and thats what every fucking grandparent will do from now to doomsday.

Well, almost another month of sobriety in the books. I can't wait for the rest of the summer with all the music and other events I've got planned. Hopefully I will be able to keep myself out of trouble and will also remain employed till the fall. I think I have to work a thousand hours in a year to qualify for that years payment into my pension plan so there is no fucking way I'm going to walk before that happens. I am at roughly eight hundred hours so another five to six weeks and I should be good to go. Watch me get the axe with an hour left to go, that would be awesome. Thing is, I don't really care at this point. Certainly I'd rather be happily employed but if I hate it here so much that its driving me crazy then I should not be employed here. If I do decide to quit I am going to do it next October quickly after I return from Texas. Might as well as take a vacation and get paid for the days before I end up getting the hell out of here. Unlike the last time I took a vacation and quit my job this time I will have a plan and a good head on my shoulders rather than just looking for an excuse to party for a few months. I have enough money saved for at least a year of living before I would absolutely have to find gainful employment. Obviously I'd rather spend the money on transportation rather than just living but if thats the way it is, then thats the way it is. I will be bummed that seven years of employment didn't end on a happier note but then again I was drunk for five and a half of those seven years.

Saying Too Much

Today is Thursday May Twenty Seventh Two Thousand Ten. Went out to dinner with a friend last nite and all I did was babble about my recovery. For ninety minutes at least I waxed and waned about the last fifteen months of my life and the various challenges and successes I've had. I sent her an email today not apologizing for yapping so much but let her know that I was aware of it. I don't know why I feel that I need to tell new friends so much about what I've been thru, you would think I get enough of that at meetings. Maybe its just hard to turn it off when you are so used to talking about shit that bothers you. I also promised that I do in fact talk about other subject beyond my recovery and thanked her for not running out of the place screaming. I'm sure that she wasn't offended or anything like that but I just wanted her to know that I was aware of what I was doing. Her friendship means a bunch to me and I would be sad if she thought I was just some mope who has nothing better to do in conversation that to talk about myself the entire nite.

Its interesting how I have all these AA friends and then my other friends and then beyond that I have some out of program friends who have only known me sober. They don't have any idea of just how much of a freak I was and have the potential to be. Maybe I was trying to scare her away because I am too juvenile for a relationship at this point. I'm not certain how she feels about me and I'm happy just to hang out with her but your subconscious mind works in devious ways. I guess I can tell myself that I was just placing my cards on the table and being honest with her so she would know what the hell she is dealing with. I try to be honest and communicate whats on my mind so that there are not surprises but thats not how life really works in reality. I dunno, I am one strange motherfucker.

So we went to this hot pot place where they sit a pot of boiling broth in front of you and you toss shit in there to cook it. Sounds good at first but it was pretty bland to say the least. We shared some beef and a veggie tray to boil and I can say that I don't like boiled beef much. The veggies worked well although there were some inedible things on the plate and some other substances with a shady consistency. I was disappointed by the food but I'm glad we checked it out. I was able to hang around in Chinatown for an hour or so beforehand and what a great place to do that. You get all kinds out there and you never know who you are going to see. This one dude had about ten layers of clothes on when it was in the nineties last nite. He also shuffled past me twice in an hour with no particular place to go, at least from my standpoint. Then there were the older Chinese folks who were doing what I was doing, people watching while talking loudly with one another. I wonder if Chinese people actually talk really loud or if it just seems that way to someone who doesn't speak their language. Or if it sounds like we are shouting when speaking English as I could swear this one dude was screaming at the other and they were about two feet apart and didn't seem about to enter into fisticuffs. I love the cultural differences between different parts of the globe and its a pity that people either hate or ignore something that is new and different.

I went to my regular meeting of junkies at the Parker House yesterday. Its where I completed my outpatient groups and i go back once or twice a month to check in and to take part in a group. I am always amazed at some of the shit that others have to deal with and how lucky I am to have just a drug and alcohol problem to deal with. I know that sounds nuts but I'd much rather deal with the challenge of staying sober than to deal with mental illness or family issues. This one woman's mom is a raging alcoholic who is in denial and throws whatever this woman says back in her face because she has dealt with her daughter's drug addiction. She mentioned that she has found her mom numerous times passed out drunk in neighbor's yards and in the basement and her mom still won't admit that she has a drinking problem. I dunno, when you start passing out wherever you seem to be, I think that you may want to look at your behaviors. I can't believe her husband who doesn't drink sticks around for the sake of the family as if my wife wasn't willing to seek help I would take some sort of action or at least move out for a few.

So I think I am going to spend money I shouldn't and buy another pedal bike rather than dump five hundred dollars into the bike I have now. Its sorta beat up and I need new rims, forks, and a few various and sundry items that would cost me about that much. A friend of mine can get Marin bikes at wholesale so I could get myself a pretty snappy bike for short money. The only thing is that I really should be saving money for a car and I don't need another bike. I just want another bike. Try as I may I just seem to be super impulsive when it comes to spending money. I spent all that cash on drugs and alcohol for all those years and now when I have money I seem to have the need to spend it on trips, clothes, and random shit for my bike. I dunno, I suppose I will learn sometime but I am thinking of quitting my job and I should be saving rather than spending.

Recolections On Past Drinking

Today is May Twenty Sixth Two Thousand Ten. I will admit that I was wrong when I was writing about getting another sponsor a few months back. I need to realize that not everyone cares about stuff the way that I do and that each person has something to give or a way to help me on my road to recovery. I met with my sponsor last nite for just over an hour but it really made a difference in how I felt yesterday. Its good to be reminded that all other problems aside, I am doing really well in my recovery and that I've been able to stay sober for over fifteen months is a fucking miracle. With my sobriety comes the ability to make reasonable choices on which way my life is going and if I don't have my sobriety then I'm not equipped to make any sort of sane decisions. I was drinking a liter of vodka a day minimum and many times was able to drink almost a half gallon. That is a lot of vodka. Much more than someone should be drinking once in their life, never mind every day for three and a half years.

I've been thinking a bunch lately about the historical context of my drinking. Partly because my mom asked me about it and partly because I think about shit often. I was always a hard drinker, went thru phases with bourbon, rum, gin, tequila, craft beers, & vodka. Many, many times people would remark at how much me and my friends drank and we were pretty proud of that. Its just how we did things, the more booze the better. In oh one I was living in Salem, MA and drinking every nite out in the bars was part of the culture and scene. I didn't really start drinking by myself till I left Salem and didn't have very many friends close to Boston or I didn't have many friends who drank like I did near the city. I remember living in a very small room with some friends and they actually called me out on my drinking. That was probably oh two or so. I'd drink a pint or more on my way home so that I could relax with my roommates and get away with only drinking three beers. One of them told me that she didn't know what the hell I did on my way home or who I hung out with but I should probably not drink so much. All this served to do it for me not to come home till late when they were already buzzed up and wouldn't notice my level of intoxication.

Then I moved to a place with a friend for about eighteen months and it was great. He is a good guy and was really chill to live with. We share a love of music and for the first time I didn't turn the tv on when I arrived home. We would listen to music and come up with cover songs for his band to play. I had a nice pot selling business going so thats where my focus was and I look fondly on those days. Then our landlord wanted us out of there so her son could move in so we had to leave. The only place I could find to move into was to a friends house. I knew that he sold cocaine and smoked it all the time but I was too lazy to check craigslizt or something like that. I didn't use coke any more than normal and since I hate smoking it things were pretty chill on that end. What wasn't chill was the bottle of vodka that I would buy on my way home and then pour into soda bottles so it would be on the down low. That was the first time I really hid my drinking and why I thought I needed to do that living with crackheads I will never know. I only lasted there about eight months and then I moved to my present location where I didn't know anyone and would spend lots of time getting fucked up by myself in my room.

This is when heroin came into the picture. I met someone at the crackhead's house who could score me smack and it went from there. In the beginning it was only now and then but a year or so later I had knee surgery. After the procedure which was supposed to be very painful I was rx'd percocets for six months. My knee didn't hurt all that much, it was more of a dull ache but you better believe that I told the docs I was dying so the pills kept coming. After they were gone I started doing heroin again but this time on a daily basis and for the second time in my life experienced withdrawal and felt what it was like to be dope sick. Being dope sick does really suck but I think there is more to it than that. First of all, when I am on dope I feel like a million bucks and anything that doesn't make me feel that way is bad. You know that the only think you have to do to feel better is ingest some heroin and everything goes away. Its really amazing actually. You will have a body ache, chills, sweats, runny poos, and general malaise and then after a line or a shot everything goes away. In like a minute. I think thats a big part of the addiction is the instant gratification.

When I was using heroin every day I would still drink but not as much as I normally would. If I didn't have dope then it was a different matter altogether. I would drink till I met my dealer or if I didn't have any money then I would just drink till I passed out. Then I would wake up in a couple of hours and drink till I passed out again. Drinking when your dopesick really sucks because it doesn't really make you feel any better or take the edge off. If anything it just makes you feel worse and causes you to puke more often. For me it was just a way to pass the time till I could figure out some way to get forty or eighty dollars for a bag of dope and then all my worries would go away. The thing is that I knew what the end game was, I knew that if I did this shit every day I could be addicted within a couple of weeks and then I would have to come up with eighty dollars every single day. For the record, eighty dollars time three hundred sixty five days is over twenty eight thousand dollars and I am sure that I spent more than that in the three plus years I was a daily heroin user. Add eight dollars a day for ciggys and ten dollars for vodka thats an extra six grand or so on top of the almost thirty grand a year for dope you are looking in the neighborhood of forty to fifty thousand dollars a year for my buzz. I make ok money but no THAT ok money.

When I really started drinking every day I rarely went beyond my front door. For one thing it cost too much and for another I didn't want to be judged by anyone or forced to face the fact that I was dependent on alcohol or I would suffer withdrawal. I remember more than one weekend while I had plenty of heroin and decided that I would take a couple days off from my drinking. Due to me not drinking I would throw up all weekend as much as fifty or sixty times over three days. I thought that perhaps I had just done too much dope but thinking back I am sure it was alcohol withdrawal. I couldn't even keep down water and I told myself that by the third day I wasn't able to hold anything down then I would go to the hospital for some fluids. This of course would cause me to admit to someone else that I had an serious alcohol problem and that wasn't going to happen unless I had no other choice in the matter. Whats totally insane is that I have since learned that going thru alcohol withdrawal without medical assistance is very dangerous and I am really fucking lucky that I did not experience a seizure. Every time I kicked alcohol I was by myself at my mom and dad's house up on the northshore. I went thru this about six or seven times and its a freaking miracle that my parents didn't arrive home to find my cold dead body on the floor.

I have the opinion that every single person sitting in an AA meeting is an example of a miracle and the blessing of life for a variety of reasons. The first is that they are actively seeking help in their life. They have admitted to themselves that they need help beyond what they can do for themselves. The second is that they are sitting there living and breathing. People take enormous risks not only in the chemicals they place in their body & the stress that the body goes thru, but they also take risks as a result of whatever chemical is in their body. There are many, many acts that seem like a great idea when you are drunk or high that would never even see the light of day when you are sober. I consider it a miracle that I didn't kill anyone or myself when I was driving wasted. I can't even begin to count the amount of times I had to drive with the windows down in the winter so I wouldn't pass out or with one had over my eye when I was seeing double. All in all, the halls of Alcoholics Anonymous are filled with many miracle by each and every person sitting there.

Times Are Changing

Today is Tuesday May Twenty Fifth Two Thousand Ten. It is interesting to work in an environment where you know that management wants you gone, they just don't have the balls to show you the door. I know that my direct manager doesn't think that I a valued employee and is always documenting any problem that I happen to create. He will list certain events in my reviews that he wasn't happy with but he will give me no heads up at the time of the problem so that perhaps I can learn from my mistakes. He is also the most passive aggressive motherfucker I've ever had as a manager. Thing is, I gave him an out last fall, I offered to be shown the door as long as they wouldn't fight unemployment but nothing came of that. I don't really understand why they don't want to do that, plenty of other people who are no longer a good fit at their jobs are able to pull that off. I am not interested in digging myself out of whatever hole I've created here and really want to start somewhere new with a clean slate. Since ninety three I have worked for four companies so I am not used to going out and finding jobs and that is something that I need to work on.

Thankfully I have some cash saved but it is my intention not to quit till I have another job lined up. Actually, collecting unemployment would be sorta relaxing and would enable me to study for a couple of certifications that I should probably have. My main problem is that while I like working with the people I work and helping end users I am sick and tired of making sure wires connect in the correct way. It can be like watching paint dry and the problem is that it may be too late to do something other than what I've been doing for the last fifteen years. I'd love to start up something new but I'm not sure if going back to school would be a good idea. I'd love to do it sober of course and would probably learn a thing or two while I'm at it. I just don't know if being a student at age forty would be smart. Its never to late to learn I guess, I've proven that over and over again over the last fifteen months. Maybe if I could go as a full time student and then work a part time job. At least this is something that I could actually follow thru with rather than it being a pipe dream like so often before. To be honest, I'd love to get into some sort of therapy where I'd be helping people live their lives. Something to think about for sure.

The big difference between now and before is that I know if I start something now I will finish it. I just have to be damn sure that I want to start it or I will like and idiot later down the road. I've thought about law school but I don't want to be a lawyer and I need to be honest with myself. I suppose this could all change when I find another job and I should stop feeling sorry for myself. There are worse things than thinking your boss is a jackass and feeling like you are not doing anything at work. I'm sure there are millions of people every day that feel that way and I should feel blessed that it only happens now and again with me. I just looked around on line for some jobs in my industry and they are out there, I just need to make an effort to find them. Its not like someone is going to knock at my door some morning and say, "Hey motherfucker, come work for us !" I need to put myself out there and make people aware of my talents. I think I would be best served in managing technical people or serving as a conduit between the user and technical communities. I think I have technical skills as well as good inter personal skills and somehow I need to find a job that combines that. At least if I didn't have a job now I wouldn't spend all of my free time at a bar drinking my worries away while creating new ones.

Enough of the self serving bull. There was a speaker last nite who spent almost an entire year on a pysche ward. I had no idea. I mean I knew that this person had been hospitalized, its not a very rare thing in AA but to have been locked up for that long is amazing. I respect this person very much and have learned from their sobriety and don't think they are particularly nuts or anything like that. I can just not imagine this person hurting as bad as they described last nite and once again it is a miracle of the program that this person is able to interact with other people and live a rewarding life. I think that AA is a big reason why I'd love to go into counseling. Its really cool to see people getting better before your eyes and I think that it would be something I could be good at. Last nite's speaker basically had given up, locking them self in their room not wanting to speak with anybody & self medicating the day away. Wow, what a change, what a good change.

People have told me that they see a major change in me as well and I get the feeling that its not just lip service or people trying to be nice. They tell me that I was very twitchy and all over the place hyper when I first came into the halls and thats not what I remember at all. I remember being pretty relaxed but evidently that wasn't the case or as how people remember it. My pscyhe doc from detox once told me that I was all over the place when he examined me in detox but I was kinda like, well ya, I was in detox dude. Your body gets really fucking used to being fucked up and it doesn't like it when you decide to stop doing it. I am amazed when people talk about how they were able to get sober by themselves and then start attending meetings. There is no why I could pull something like that off, & I def needed a seven day lock down like I had.

I've always said that once I got my personal stuff worked out then it was time to work out the professional stuff and I think the time is now. I just seem to be like a bull in a china shop this week with one problem or mistake multiplying one another. I really feel that if I don't find something by the end of the summer then I should really think about walking. I want to work at least a thousand hours this year as its important to my future benefits for the year so I think I can do that much. I've always said that anything after my detox here was gravy, they totally could have fired my ass during that time period and they didn't so I am thankful for that. We will see what happens, perhaps I will get a really, really, long vacation this summer.

Music Part Two

Today is Monday Mary Twenty Fourth Two Thousand Ten and I have this incredible itch to just say "Fuck It" and walk off my job of seven years. I won't do such I thing of course because I am now responsible and not given to impulsive behavior but I really would like to. I am done here, at least in this department and I will be glad when I no longer work in this group. I've done too many things in the past here to ever be on an even plain in management's eyes and I think I am sorta wasting my time. I of course, should be looking for another job but I have not really made the effort to go find one. I called a guy last Friday who might be hiring field technicians and that would be a good way to round out my skill set. I've done my time here and its time to move on because I don't see any chance of me getting promoted with what has transpired in the past. I take full responsibility for my actions and do wish they hadn't happened but I should be glad that at least I've had employment during these turbulent years.

So rather than moping about my job and the future of it I am going to write about something that always makes me feel good; music. Anyone who knows me or talks to me for more than five minutes figures out that music is a central theme in my life. I grew up listening to my mother play the harp and piano, listening to lp's with my brother, and sneaking off to Boston at thirteen to attend all ages hardcore shows. There is recorded music and there is live music and while the beginnings were loud yet humble fast bar chords at the Ratskellar in Eighty Three, things started getting serious when I went to see the Grateful Dead in eighty six. After that, no other live act really mattered till I saw four guys from Vermont in ninety one. I didn't like them at first, I walked out of the show because I had a headache from drinking too much. I went back to college and started listening to live tapes of theirs just like I had with the Dead and I was hooked. The next time saw them was at UNH I think I went down in the middle of winter without a place to stay but I did have a ticket. I've never been to a PH!SH show without a ticket, a streak that I hope to continue till they don't play anymore.

It was the summer of nineteen ninety five and I had an epic two weeks planned. I would start the run by catching four PH!SH shows in a row, work for five days and then fly to Chicago for a couple of Dead shows. It was epic, the ability to see my two favorite bands within a week of each other is a very special thing and I was psyched. I came back from that time period knowing one thing, as much as I loved the Dead's music and their live shows, I was fully into PH!SH now. The music was more modern, the scene more familiar, and they were an east coast band. In late July of ninety five I decided that while I'd still catch the Dead in the summer, that I would travel to see PH!SH where ever they played. In two weeks Jerry died and I guess that made my decision a moot point but I had made the decision. Sure I was bummed that Jerry was gone but he had done it, his flag has been raised to the pinnacle of live music performance where PH!SH was just getting started.

I've seen PH!SH over two hundred times at this point, in many states and two countries. I've had the best of times at shows and I've had problems as well. Their music still gives me goosebumps when I listen to certain songs and I feel very lucky to have been a part of their success from the near beginning. I wasn't at Nector's of Burlington in the eighties but I did pick them up a few years later and never looked back. You either love PH!SH or you hate them, I don't think they appeal to the casual listener. I have friends that I only see at PH!SH shows and towns I only travel to if the band is playing there. My family doesn't understand it and while the appeal of drugs was a large part of it for me, there was always the music and nothing could or would get in the way of that. Thats why it wasnt a super huge deal to see them sober.

When PH!SH released the date at Fenway Park I knew that I had to attend that show. Not only was it at the local baseball park but I was sober now and I had something to prove. I went to the show solo and had a great time, leaving late in the second set. I had enough experience for one evening and really enjoyed myself. Since then I went to Great Woods with a friend and to Portland solo. I have tickets to Great Woods this summer and they just announced that PH!SH will be playing Austin City Limits this fall and I am already going to that. I was able to catch Trey's solo project at the House Of Blues and I went to with a bunch of people. It was at this show that I learned about how I feel when other people are using. I could care less if someone I know is drinking but when they start to act & look fucked up it bothers me. If I don't know someone personally, they can be completely wasted and its ok with me but if I know them, then its tiresome. Case in point, about half the people I went with ingested mushroom chocolates when we were in line to get into the show. I looked at my watch and checked them time because I knew in an hour or so that I wouldn't want to be around them. Since Trey started almost as soon as we entered set break was roughly an hour after that. My mushroomed friends were ripped and I exited to see some more sober friends in another area of the club.

How does this all relate to my dating wants and needs ? Easy. I would like to date a woman who likes to see music like I do but doesn't go for to every single show. If I was to date someone who didn't our couldn't go out then I wouldn't be spending much time with her. If I was to date someone who went out and about constantly and caught a buzz each and every time then that wouldn't work either. Its going to be a fine line between the two and I hope that I will be able to find a happy medium. I think thats why I had such a crush on a friend of mine, she loves to see music but doesn't seem to get too out of hand at most shows. Maybe I'm being too picky but I can honestly say that I don't see a time in my life when I'm not going out to see music and if I am to have an honest & healthy relationship then that woman will be right there with me. I don't really know why I just wrote what I wrote today and I hope I didn't write it just for the sake of having a blog entry. I've been trying not to do that and only writing when something is on my mind.

Pets, Death, &

Today is Sunday May Twenty Third Two Thousand Ten. I am up in Maine for what was going to be a relaxing weekend full of boating fun but all of that stopped yesterday around noon yesterday when my mother found one of their cats hanging by its neck in the garage. No, someone didn't kill the poor bastard, somehow he managed to stick his neck where it didn't belong and some part of the garage door contraption strangled him. Luckily I was at a meeting when the discovery was made and I am sure it wasn't pleasant. My pop is taking it very hard because he somehow blames himself and he was really damn close to that kitty. He was a cool cat, lots of energy and enthusiasm, he was always looking for any excuse to be outside. I am glad that he was around, even if it was only for a short time. What a way to go, such drama and I have to say that Gato would have been satisfied with that exit.

My family as a whole has pretty good success with pets. The two collies we had when I was growing up lived to be fifteen and sixteen I think. My mom's Siamese cat lived to be almost twenty and others lived well into their teens. We have this cool pet cemetery in the back part of the yard on the North Shore where many dogs, cats, rabbits, and even the occasional road or window kill would be buried. I know this sounds nuts but when my eventual dog goes to meet his maker, I am going to cremate the pup and throw his ashes in the ocean, just like my wishes are. Whats interesting is that my pop does not seem to share this luck, at least with felines because this is the third cat that was designated his and it has perished. Its really a shame as my pop loves all animals and it just happens that cats are about all they can deal with at this time in their lives. I'd love to get them another pup, but they are cat people for sure. I am going to get a pup for myself in the next couple of years now that I have learned to take care of myself I think I can start to take care of an animal.

I really have not had to deal with death too much in sobriety, at least on a first hand basis. My relatives passed away when I was active and I just got hammered and took a few xanax when I heard about someone's passing. I teared up a little when I discovered that my old friend Jeremy had over dosed a few years ago and there was a memorial website up. I react to death in my own way, I am not too shocked in the beginning as I do know how fragile life can be. I think the concept grows on me a little each day till I am able to understand that the person or animal I am familiar with is no longer up and at 'em. I hear the phrase "I am lucky to be alive" many, many times in meetings and I can honestly say that the idea isn't cheapened each time I hear it. When you are active, not only can the chemicals you are placing into your body cause you death but even more so, are the decisions you make when fucked up. You take risks and try new things that you wouldn't even consider sober. I won't even get into drunk driving, something that I practiced on a daily basis because there wasn't a time I wasn't drunk when I had to get to point "A" to point "B".

I had one of those magic moments in an AA meeting yesterday that I like to describe at length here on my blog. As usual I got to the meeting early and within a couple of minutes a member approached me and started to chat. She asked if I'd like to chair the meeting and without even really thinking about it I agreed. So there I was telling my story and helping the recovery of forty other people. I didn't even hesitate when the woman asked me to chair, it was an automatic reaction on my part. Its hard to describe how it made me feel if you have never been at a meeting before but I will try. First, I was sorta tingly due to nervousness as the chairperson's table was on a stage in the front of the room. Then after I spoke and people were responding to me I felt like there was a release of energy from my to the rest of the people in the room. I know that sounds totally new-agey and I should go wave a stick around and bless people but thats how it felt. Also, whenever someone was talking they made eye contact to me and I personally think thats an amazing thing about AA. You can look people in the eye and try to explain what the fuck is going on inside your head is an awesome thing. In any other situation I'd probably think to myself how I can get out of doing whatever was asked of me but when someone asks me to do something in AA, I am more than happy to do whatever is asked of me. I think thats because you can't really fuck anything up in AA. In my opinion the only thing you can do is to not keep your mouth shut when advised to do so. To talk out of turn and shit like that.

So with the bad comes the good and while I am sad for my folks that the cat died, I am happy that another kitty will come under the care of loving of my folks who are nutso about cats. The take very good care of them when they are around and when they travel the cats are boarded where they have multiple rooms to hang out in and have an ocean view from their "kitty kondo". The people who run this establishment are completely nuts, but then again you want someone totally dedicated to pets to take care of yours. The name of the place is "Pussy's Port Of Call" which does indeed sound like a bordello but they do a fine job with their charges. I think I may call the dude who runs it and explain the situation and perhaps he can call my pop. I have a t-shirt from there but I am afraid to wear it around town, perhaps I think it sends the wrong message. I also hesitate getting my own pet cat as it may send the wrong message. I know thats dumb and stupid but thats how I feel about it. Maybe I can convince some woman to live with me and then get a cat but who knows.

I've been thinking a bunch about how to deal with my friend who I am attracted to. She is a new but good friend and I don't want to ruin that but then again I don't want to go nuts myself. I don't think that she has any interest in beyond friendship and I think I just need to get over myself. She honestly cares about me and seems to enjoy my companionship so I need to just enjoy that. She also may be a good ally when I do find someone to date and get the skinny from a woman's point of view. I don't know if I should date someone in or out of the program and I have discussed the various merits of both here before. I should consider myself lucky that I don't need to go to the internet to meet woman like so many other folks before me. I have my music to meet woman outside the program, and the of course I have my meetings to meet women as well. The AA program suggests patience in your recovery and I think I have been patient so far and it would be a pity to fuck it up. I will just continue to live my life to the best of my abilities so that I am able to deal with whatever comes up in my life.

Gato, you were a hell of a cat who brightened up my day whenever I ran into you. You engaged me every time I saw you and it was obvious that you enjoyed me and my folks as your caregivers. You also touched the lives of my nephews and because of you they now own a pet themselves. Perhaps it is a precursor to a cat or dog or some other pet but its cool to see them learn how to care for something other than themselves. If you are true to yourself then you can be true to others and thats what life it all about. I mentioned yesterday that one of the reasons I like AA so much is that it is an example of people helping others with no financial considerations. You help to be helped and thats an amazing thing. Sure, at first I went because I liked the women in the group but the important thing is that I kept and will keep going to meetings for the rest of my natural life. The recovery program outlined in the pages of the Alcoholic's Anonymous texts work and work well. It is not a cult or a religious group, it is and always has been people helping people to improve their lives one day at a time.

Str8edge !

Today is Wednesday May Nineteenth Two Thousand Ten. I have not written in a while because I was in a serious funk. Not a funk like, yay funky time but rather fuck you & leave me the fuck alone type of funk. I don't know why really, there hasn't been anything terrible thats happened to me and life his been cruising along but I just didn't feel like myself. I've only been to the gym a couple of times over the past two weeks and while I had good weekends they didn't seem to carry over to the rest of the week. It was like I felt ill and couldn't find the medicine to cure me. I went to meetings and talked to people but this was something I just needed to get out of my system myself. Its weird because I am normally a very happy person and this is the first time that I've been aware of having the blues. And it was a two and a half or so week blues jam in my life and I don't know why. I guess that I should be happy that for the first time in over two weeks I walked out my door and felt happy and ok with where I am in the world.

Humans are a bunch of weird motherfuckers. That much I know. We can convince and rationalize all sorts of stuff that isn't good for us and we can lie to ourselves and pretend that everything is A-OK. Its only when we are honest with ourselves and admit that something is wrong can we get better. I don't know what I did to make me feel better all I know is that there is a marked difference in how I feel today and I better fucking continue this train of feelings. That is one bonus of sobriety I guess, when I feel like ass I don't have anything else to blame it on because its not like I am hungover or coming down off something. Whatever feel good chemicals my body stopped producing have begun production again and I'm pretty relieved. Not to say that I'd drink over something as pedestrian as feeling crappy but it was a new experience for me. I hope I've learned something from this experience and will move on to bigger and better things without lingering on the past. In some book I read somewhere there is a line, "We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it." and thats pretty much in line with my beliefs.

So, onward and upward right ? I am psyched for this weekend as we are launching the mighty sailing vessel up in Maine and I can actually go sailing on Saturday. The shakedown cruise is always interesting and I want to see how the new halyard works and what else looks like it wants to break. I've decided that is the way to go with a sailboat, constantly look for shit that looks like its about to break and replace it as soon as you can so that you are one up on murphy's law. Its also always a pleasure to see the old man out and about sailing around as he really enjoys himself on the water. He is a awesome sailor as well, the bastard can sail right up to the dock or the mooring and is able to do it solo as well. I would need to outboard and would probably fuck that up as well. He really knows the boat well and is getting to understand the waters around Rockland so everything looks easy peasy even when its not. I don't think you ever perfect the art of sailing, the boat you are commanding just gets used to you and decides to cooperate once in a while. I am hoping that its not blowing too much out or my mom won't go which kinda sucks. She had an incident a few years ago where the coast guard was involved and she it shit scared of something like that happening again.

I went to a commitment at St. Elizabeth's hospital last nite and it was interesting for a couple of reasons. The first is that it wasn't a lock down ward, you could def escape if you wanted to and second because I got a wicked case of deja-vu when I was sitting there. I had some sort of vision of me sitting there with my sponsor and some other folks and it seemed so real. I don't think I have ever been there before and had never met the patients that showed up. What was interesting is that a bunch of people left during the meeting and I don't get that. Here you are in detox and there isn't much else to do but sit there and work on your problems and you can't sit still for an hour ? I dunno, I guess you can't reach everyone and not everyone can be helped by AA but it saddens me when stuff like that happens. There was a woman there who was pregnant, and I had to think how much it would suck to be active and then have someone tell you that you can't do any sort of drug for nine months at the very least. I think that would be enough to terminate the pregnancy for some people and for others to ignore the orders of their docs. Anyway, going to the unit and sharing made me feel better so some sort of mission was accomplished.

I was walking to the MBTA the other day thinking like I usually do and it occurred to me that I am str8edge now. Str8edge was a skater/music movement in the early nineteen eighties that preached not using drugs. The followers would sharpie giant "X"s on the tops of their hands and would always feel superior. I don't feel superior and nor do I draw an "X" on my hands but I don't put anything in my bod that doesn't belong there. Some people would disagree with me but fuck them. We used to make fun at the str8edge folks and wondered why they were like they were. Most of those folks had never even used drugs and certainly were not in AA or any other program like that. They just thought that life was worth living sober and that drugs just added complications that they didn't need. Sounds sorta familiar to me. I often wonder if I am going to look back at this period of my life and giggle at the naivete that I must be experiencing. Everyone is new sometime. Giggle.

Me, Myself, & Me Again

Today is May Tenth, Two Thousand Ten. A Monday. Seems like my life is accelerating faster and faster as I continue to "practice safe living thru recovery & self awareness". Or maybe "Self Awareness & Safe Living". "Safe Awareness & Self Living" doesn't really sound all the great. I've decided that in order to be happy I need to market myself in the best possible way and in order to do that I need to live in safety and be self aware, or aware of self. Whichever works, I guess. I don't mean cowering in a closet touching myself, but rather going out in the world with a sense of well being, that nothing can stand in the way of me living and loving my life. That why yes, in fact I am better than you in my opinion, and I am going to be happier and better adjusted than everyone else because I am firmly in control of what I am able to be in control of and I'm mighty fucking happy about that. I used to subscribe to "Better Living Thru Chemistry" I figured, fuck it, why do all the work if a pill or a line will make me feel better with no work whatsoever.

There are things in my life that I can control. What I place into my body is the first control. You can also control to some extent, some of the situations you place yourself in. Thats a big part of what AA teaches me, that I am the de facto director of my life and I shouldn't depend on others to figure out whats coming next. I should be the one to decide that and having that ability gives me great satisfaction. Fifteen months ago I released the control of my life to some professionals and I have worked very hard to gain that control back. With nobody watching by myself, I have managed to do the things that I promised myself I would do and while I do get a pat on the back every once and again, the biggest fan that I have stares back at me in the mirror every morning when I shave and every nite when I wash my face. Not only is it my biggest fan but also my biggest critic & the most gullible motherfucker on the planet. He believes everything I tell him and due to that I should be pretty damn sure of what I am telling it. There isn't anyone else in there to call me out in my lies and I need to make sure that I have a sound, solid foundation for any decision making.

I used to hang a towel on mirrors so I wouldn't see the freak looking back at me. That was me, long hair, beard, bloodshot eyes, sad & grim expression. That glassy eyed knowledge of a job poorly done without any followup or praise. I lived thru another day without getting arrested. Yay. I have enough drugs to last me till next afternoon and then I'm going to have to get creative with my accounts. That quiet pride of cheating life once again, that commitment to staying high achieved once more. The thing is tho, I didn't feel any sense of accomplishment any sort of swelling pride & ego that goes along with completing something. I felt more let down, that my life was the same as it was yesterday, last month, last year, and for the near future. I can keep this up for another day or two, I will think about sobriety later as its much easier to plan for the next day than for a lifetime. Thinking about a lifetime is scary, it smells of responsibility & integrity, smacks of holding up my end of the bargain in life when I didn't really want hold anything other than whatever vessel there was in my hand to transfer the chemical into my body. My god, my religion were chemicals and I thoughtfully and faithfully worshiped at that altar ever minute of every day.

The thing is however, sobriety is much easier than using every day when I think about it. Certainly the first few months of sobriety totally suck but once you get used to the idea and most importantly the feeling, life itself is simpler, easier. There is a lot more to it, obviously, then just not using by if you are able to change, learn, and give it a shot the end product is rewarding. Rather than just living from minute to minute, you are actively living that minute and looking forward to the next. Yes, life will be hard, difficult even, but that doesn't mean you won't be able to deal with what comes along. I have no doubt that when my parents are about to expire it will really suck, take an enormous amount of personal resources to deal with it but I will be able to deal with it rather than running away from my responsibilities and drowning my feelings in chemicals. What is going to happen will happen and the only thing that a person can do to change that is to be prepared. What will it feel like not to be able to speak with my mom and dan over the phone ? Or to have them not make any sense when you do ? Will that suck, yes, but it won't do any good to think that you can do something to change the outcome. That is what happens, people get old, their bodies & minds shut down, and then they die. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but in the end everyone goes and becomes fertilizer. Thats why I am going to be cremated and tossed into the Atlantic ocean.

Perhaps it sounds morbid to think about my parent's demise but its better than not thinking about it at all and being totally unprepared for when it happens. My Grandmother was a case in point, she relied on my Grandfather for so much that when he died she totally shut down. She wouldn't eat, speak with anyone, or do any of the basic life functions. A woman who raised two children couldn't even take care of her own life because her husband died. When he got sick she didn't allow her self to think that perhaps he wouldn't get better and die. She did not think about life without him and wasn't able to rationalize his death in her own mind. It appeared that she was in a state of shock for a number of years afterwords and she finally stopped eating and had to be connected to a feeding tube. She must have not been able to think about living beyond the life of her husband and that without him that life was not living. I think thats a bunch of bullshit. Yeah, someone you loved died and isn't around anymore and that sucks. Totally sucks balls even but that doesn't mean your own life is over and done with. One thing recovery has shown me is that we all effect people one way or another even if we are not aware of it and living life to the best of your ability is not only important to you as a human but to other people around you.

Senate Bill 1070

Today is Friday May Seventh Two Thousand Ten. Hallmark holiday weekend, Mother's Day. Ever day should be parental units day, your mom popped you out and your day put up with your mother. At least in my family, I am not sure about other ones out there. I am headed up there on Saturday nite and will spend some quality time with the units on Sunday. Its funny how my folks can no longer make snap decisions. I called them a few hours ago inquiring if they were busy on Saturday nite. When they said that there were indeed free, I asked them if they wanted to have dinner in Salem. This caused my pop to hand off the phone to mumsie, where I had to go thru everything over again. I cut my explanation short and said that I would call them back this afternoon after they discussed it between themselves. I suppose I am a little short and snappy today because I have not had nicotine in my blood for two days now but come on. Its not like I was asking their opinion of the Israel/Palestine situation or anything, just if they wanted to have fucking dinner a few towns away from where they have lived for over forty years.

I know I should not be harsh and I myself am a planner. One of the parts of vacation I enjoy the most is planning it. Doing research, writing schedules, getting tickets, shit like that. Thats one of the challenges of Burning Man is what to bring and how many uses does one thing really have. I think one thing I will miss in sobriety is how damn good a beer tastes at six in the morning after you have been dancing all night to techno with fifty thousand other freaks in a desert two hundred miles from Reno. I guess that a ice coffee, tea, or gatoraide will have to do it from now on, no beers for me anymore. It was funny, last nite in a meeting someone mentioned that Shaffer beer had a slogan something along the line of "If you are going to have more than one, think Shaffer." Thats crazy but sorta awesome, they were encouraging alcoholism and I guess I am naive to think that they were the only company to think about such things. I mean, when you product one point seven five containers of vodka that retail for seven or eight bucks just who are you expecting to drink your product ? Certainly not someone who drinks on occasion, just alcoholics who determine what they buy due to price point and not taste.

Seems that Arizona is pissing the rest of the country off with Senate Bill 1070. Plainly stated it is against the law in Arizona to live there if you are an illegal immigrant and that law enforcement has the right to ask you for some identification. There have been all sorts of protests, marches, boycotts, and impassioned soap box speeches about this bill. Even the city council of Boston has decided that local matters don't warrant their attention and have called for a boycott for everything Arizonian. The Arizona Ice Tea company, the one with the cool blue bottles, is very worried about the economic impact of this anti 'zona thinking and now has ads out there claiming that they are in fact not an 'zonian company. The NBA team has a spanglish jersey they are donning for the playoffs, and I am sure if it was football season that the NFL would do something equally inane. It appears that if you are in the country illegally then you can't live in Arizona but Texas and New Mexico are ok.

Now, I have no idea what it is like to have a big enough reason to leave your country of birth and hightail it somewhere else but I do have a few questions and observations. The first is that if you are in a country illegally, wouldn't you expect to be arrested if law enforcement found out you were there ? If I was to sneak into say, Russia and the authorities found out, I think that they would detain me while they figured out what to do. But thats a bad example because who the fuck wants to actually live in Russia anyway ? It would be sound reasoning however if your classification by the home government of the country you are in contains the word "illegal" that perhaps you would be subject to arrest and expulsion by that government. The second part that has people's panties all in a bunch is that leos are allowed to stop people in the street and demand identification. This reeks of racial profiling and I am sure it would suck to be an american citizen living in Arizona and to have over zealous leos stop you every ten paces for identification. I am also sure that many leos in the 'zona area have much better things to do than be a border patrol officer, and I'm sure due this legislation there is no love lost between the two agencies.

So, I get the part about the racial profiling stirring people's emotions enough to protest, march, boycott, and create snappy slogans but I have a hard time understanding people's problem with the law. If you enter a country without checking in with immigration then you are in that country illegally and subject to them tossing your ass over the fence with hardly a wave goodbye. I suppose that people are pissed that it is a crime and I suppose you could gain quite a record if you kept getting caught at trying to reside in Arizona. I think perhaps people envision a police state with shady scarred faced guys with black overcoats demanding to see your papers. Racial profiling is a fact of life and happens everywhere. White guy in the ghetto ? Must be scoring drugs. Black guy in the burbs ? Must be raping and pillaging. Mexican guy in Arizona ? Huh, they are pretty much everywhere and unless we chip people in the USA like purebred puppies, its going to be awfully hard to tell on site who and who doesn't belong here.

I guess I don't have an opinion on immigration other than if you choose to live in the United States Of American then you should be able to understand the english language. I know it sounds redneck and snooty but residents of a country should speak or at least understand the national language. Say all you want about being compassionate to others and that I don't understand what its like or I'm lucky because english is the world language. So fucking what. If I was to sneak into Russian and set up shop there I would damn well learn Russian to make myself understood. This who idea of everyone being bilingual is fine, just fucking understand that english is the language spoken here. If you want your home language to be spoken then go back to your home and speak it there. Is that harsh ? Sure but I don't go to other countries with the expectation that they speak english. I always carry a phrase book/ dictionary with me so at least I am trying to make myself understood in the local language. I think that sometimes I pronounce stuff so terribly that its easier to mime what I want but at least I am making an effort.

Who I am, Where I Am, & How I Am

Today is Wednesday May Fifth Two Thousand Ten. It is my firm belief that people who live in the northern climates appreciate nice days more than those who live where it is warm. We deal with months of shitty weather and its always so cool to see people around here come out from under their rocks and appreciate the sun for once. People just seem happier in the city when the sun is shining, more polite & tolerant. I am one of those annoying people who actually enjoy the winter, I love the snow, grey days, & winter nites. I will admit that "wintery mix" does suck but you have to take the good days with the bad around here. I love wearing jackets not only because they are comfortable but also because you actually have someplace to store all your crap that people of the two thousands seem to need. Let me see, when I leave my apartment I need the following items: keys, wallet, lighter, cigars, blackberry, cell phone, pager, & kindle. If I am not working I can leave the pager behind but I've found that I depend on my work blackberry more and more these days. Not only for the web interface but also for my calendar, I think I need to just relax.

I just send an email to a friend who is celebrating her second sobriety anniversary today. She has been a good friend to me over the past year and I seem to relate to her personality well. I don't remember precisely what she said after I spoke on my birthday but I do know that it made me feel really good inside. Its amazing what a kind word or two will do for someone's morale and outlook on life. The fellowship of AA is so important to me and one of the main reasons I love going to meetings. Someone mentioned the other nite that she had found an old pain killer in her bedroom the other day and she had two thoughts when she was looking at it. 1. It was only a single pill and it wouldn't do much. (addict) 2. How she badly she would feel when she reported back to the group that she had slipped. (addict in recovery) Thats exactly how I felt in the early stages of my recovery, I didn't want to let all these people down who supported & believed in me and how much of an asshole I would feel like if I was going to use. I realize that guilt is not a great thing to harbor but if feeling guilty about using makes the difference between using or not then I say guilt away.

Its been said that relapses start way before the actual act of relapsing starts. You stop believing in your recovery and begin to think that using again may not be such a terrible idea. Some folks think they can drink in safety or perhaps they were not as much of an alcoholic as they initially believed so they can start using again. That may be true for some people but I know that it is not true for me. If I am being honest with myself I know that there is not possible way for me to drink like a responsible person. There is no way I could just have one beer or one glass of wine or one cocktail. One would lead to another and then I'd be drunk all over again and I just don't want that to happen ever again. I've mentioned this before but when someone drinks mouthwash at four in the morning in order to sleep or get drunk, that someone has a serious problem with alcohol and there is no way in hell that they can drink like a normal person. As long as I remember that and keep things in perspective I won't lie to myself and think that I can drink again. Same goes for drugs, to me its all or nothing. I may not have been addicted to mary jane, LSD, MDMA, speed, or cocaine but that doesn't mean I should start taking them again. I've grown to like the feeling of being completely in control of my facilities and don't want to lose that feeling. I can feel advil when I take it for christ sake.

A colleague send me an email last nite with the subject line "Attitude" and I thought to myself, christ what did I do to piss this guy off ? As it turns out he mentioned that he liked my new attitude and confidence and that it fit me well. It was quite a flattering email and I responded noting that its easier to have confidence when you are honest with yourself. Thats the root of it really, I have confidence in my ability to stay sober so I am confident in my ability to do just about anything. There is a fine line between being confident and being an asshole and I can only hope that my normal compassion will stop me from being one. I really care about people, even those who I don't know personally and I've always been like that. I really don't care for people who are total dickheads till they get to know you or find out your are a friend of a friend. Why not just give people the benefit of the doubt, what assume at first glance that someone is an idiot ? I like to allow people to prove to me that they are a jackass rather than thinking that from the get go. That does not mean I don't make assumptions about people but I like to think that I give them a chance to redeem themselves.

First impressions are important and I shudder to think about some of the first impressions I've given people. When I get hammered I tend to be boisterous and don't listen very well. I can be talking to you for an hour and then forget not only what we talked about but also your name. Its not a sign of disrespect unless needing to be hammered twenty four seven is disrespectful. I do however believe that I was very disrespectful to my mom and dad when I would visit them. When I was active I always needed to be super jacked in order to deal with them. I don't really know why as they are pleasant interesting people but it just seemed like that was the case. Now I actually enjoy sitting down and spending time with them. They are, after all, my mom and dad who have given me everything they could. Some people try and tell me that my folks were somehow responsible for my additions and I think thats a crock of shit. Me and me alone is responsible for my actions and trying to lay the blame on two people who have shown nothing but love for me is ludicrous.

I was walking back from the MBTA last nite and doing my usual thinking thing and I was trying to gauge when I had felt the way that I feel today before in my life. I have to think that hasn't been since high school or maybe my last two years of college since I've felt this way. Once again, some of the AA writings are right on the money, how we don't mature or grow when we are active. After college I went from a weekend warrior to an every day user. I would smoke dope before work and all nite after and I really believe that I have not grown emotionally since then. I think thats why I feel the way I do, I was such a confident kid in high school and the last two years of college. The world was at my beck and call and I was already sucessful in my career and had a job that others could only dream about. Then for the next twenty years or so I just punched it in, working only to pay for the drugs and alcohol I consumed. The BB says that we should not regret the past but its damn hard not to as I totally dropped the fucking ball from my early twenties to last year. Being the optimist that I am, I am really fucking glad that I got sober when I did and that my hard work on my recovery is paying benefits in my life. I am at peace with who I am, where I am, and how I am.