Today is Thursday January Twenty Eighth Two Thousand Ten. I wish I could take every Tuesday off like I did this week, it really breaks things up. Its a good thing I am not all that superstitious, I mean I knock on wood and shit like that but not overly so. I say this because I lost my fucking medallion yesterday after not even having it for forty eight hours. I have some hope that whomever finds it will turn it in to lostnfound because it isn't worth any money but I am not going to hold my breath. I have searched where I was before I left yesterday but came up dry. I suppose it could be in my backpack somewhere and I have totally ripped it apart yet but I could swear it was in my pocket. The thing that kills me is that I carried those fucking aluminum chips around for months and never lost one. I am not the most organized person but I rarely lose stuff so maybe this was my time. Being the optimist that I am, at least its only a year medallion so its easy to replace and its not like I had it long enough to get attached to that particular one. Jebus.
Not much to report today, in fact I think I am going to save this one as a draft and just attach it tomorrow when I write.
Today is Friday January Twenty Ninth Two Thousand Ten. I am avoiding this jackass at work today because he never has anything constructive to say and is generally an asshole. Almost everyone can't stand him, for years I thought it was just me. He is everything that I don't want to be so I am steering well clear of him and will deal with him only if I have to. Is it fear, damn straight it is. I know that he tattled on me a few times before I got sober, I have proof and he also physically threatened me once. I just walked away, no sense in fistacuffs at work and plus he is about five inches taller than me. I don't often hate someone that I know personally and I always try and seem some good but I can faithfully say that I hate this guys guts. I know I shouldn't dwell on it but he exhibits some bizarre behavior, he once invited me to his house for the 4th as if we were buddies. Yech.
I am happy to get thru this last week of January and all the memories from last Jan that went with it. Its not easy to admit to others that your addiction is greater than you can control and it seems like such a long road ahead when you start your recovery. Its nice to not to be counting days anymore but I still have a long way to go. My goal is to have more days sober than more days drunk and that is going to take quite a few years. I still enjoy aa mtgs and the fellowship that goes along with them as well as that one speaker or meeting that makes you take a step back and be glad for life. We had one such speaker last nite who has twenty years of sobriety and he remembers his drinking like it was yesterday. Like some of the other older members he still carries shame due to the consequences that were a result of his actions when he was drinking. I wonder if that is going to be me, a sixty year old Todd going to meetings five or six times a week. I can't say I don't hope for or against that. If five or six meetings a week is what it takes for me to maintain my sobriety then thats just fine.
Looking forward to moe tonight, they are such a fun band to see and the crowd is always cool and really into the band. As long as I don't run into Kristen I will be happy. I am not even sure she lives in Boston anymore because I didn't see her at the Greyboys or at either moe show last winter. So either she moved away or she is now a shut it, both are certainly possible for her. That was a very weird end to a very weird friendship, she treated me like her boyfriend and then never spoke to me again. I called her twice and sent her two emails and she never responded to any of them. How strange, I remember that a few years ago we got into a spat about something I don't recall and she wouldn't speak to me for months and then I saw her at a show and she acted like nothing was wrong. I sort of shrugged and went with it never to bring it up. I am pretty sure she is manic because her moods would swing in major ways. Wherever she is I hope she learns how to be happy and take care of herself. Who knows, maybe she found her way into NA.
It is really cool to look forward to weekends as time to have fun rather than just a respite from work when I could drink all weekend. I used to think that if I could just make it thru the week to the weekend then I could drink in earnest and solve my many problems. I think I am getting closer to finding out why I needed to be drunk and high, beyond the obvious physical dependencies. I was obviously blocking something and I honestly don't rightly know what it was. I am a pretty happy guy, don't have any childhood horrors I am forgetting, not in trouble with the law, have not had relationship issues because I would have to have a relationship for those. I think I was scared of the future and was living only in the present. Drinking and getting high helped me not to care about what was going to happen the next day, week, month, or year.
20100127
Pinhead's Review & Co Worker Conversations
Today is Wednesday January Twenty Seventh Two Thousand Ten. I just got an invite from my boss for my review and typical to his mo it is scheduled for 10:30 am today. I furnished the required papers in the middle of September, was notified that I was not getting a good review in the middle of October and now it is almost the end of January and time for my review. I wonder if I am getting fired today or if he will follow thru with what he explained would happen in October. Its funny how life is, I was just thinking to myself on the way back from the gym how they should have fired me last December and how anything after that time is just gravy. Perhaps the gravy train here at Children's Hospital Boston is over but hopefully it is not. I actually enjoy my work here even if my boss is a pinhead and I will actually miss this place. I was cursing the UPS for making a delivery that I have to sign for a maybe I will be around for it after all. I am not sure if they can fire me without some sort or formal warning period from Human Resources which I have not had but I like to prepare for the worst possible outcome. We will see what will happen.
I am now the secretary for the AA group Welcome All which I am a member of and where I received my one year medallion. Besides being clapped at on a weekly basis I present a short five minute aa related business, run the monthly business meetings, and sign people's court slips. I also serve as one of the communication points from central service to our group. Which reminds me, I need to call central services and tell them who I am, what my address is, and some other details. There was another guy who volunteered as well as me but didn't see my hand raised because he was behind me. I was going to let him do it and then he said that I could do it. It was typical AA stuff, people not wanting any sort of confrontation with each other. We talk with each other and care for each other we never want to be obviously pissy or anything like that. What sealed the deal was that he is going to school in the fall ad wouldn't be able to put a full year of service into the position. I don't know why it is important to me to do service in AA meetings, I think I just like to be a organizational part of something I care about. Well, that and I get clapped at every week.
So I didn't get fired today and the meeting with pinhead wasn't all that bad by meeting standards. He did congratulate me on a year of sobriety when I told him which was good but he still doesn't like me. I don't totally blame him, after all I did lie to him a bunch when I was active and didn't do shit for work in six months. What I do blame him for is being a bad manager as he never has anything positive to say and never seems to give a crap about the people he manages. I had a talk with another team member who I am friends with and she agreed that he was also a pretty crappy manager and some things just can't be helped. She also picked up on some tension between us, personally I think that pinhead was pissed that he didn't fire me when he had the chance. Boy oh boy did he have many chances in the fall of ninety eight when I would come into work already drunk and then pass out in various network closets only to get up and drink again. I am not proud of my behavior and plan never to repeat it so I guess I can't blame pinhead for anything as much as I want to.
I had a good conversation with the previously mentioned coworker and told her about my sobriety, healthy livin', and my desire to get another job. She agreed with what I said and offered to help with my resume and cover letters which is awesome. I have been friends with her since about the day she started and she is a rarity in the networking field. She is outgoing, a woman, and cute which is not a combination you see often in my field. She is also very good at what she does and doesn't use her curves to get her way. I had a crush on her when we first became friends but now she is like a sister to me and will be a good sounding board when I start getting into the thick of things with my job hunting. She was also very supportive of my lifestyle change and who wouldn't be as I was a total selfish asshole for much of my life. I don't mind referencing my past life in that way and while it is harsh it is also the truth. I must remember what I once was and what I have the ability to become.
It totally blows me away that I am healthy now. I don't drink, I don't use drugs, I don't smoke ciggys, I exercise daily, I watch what I eat, and I even take vitamins. I shower and shave at least once a day and I use various pit sticks, hair conditioners, and body spray so that I smell nice. I didn't always smell so good and I am proud to say that the only time I will smell bad again is if I go on some sort of outdoor outing for a few days that doesn't have shower facilities. I know this seems obvious and something that your parent or guardian would teach you when you are little but its something that I ignored. I am pretty sure I went a few weeks and maybe even a month without brushing my teeth and that is just plain nasty. I had little or now concept of a routine and would ignore even the most basic of necessities. Well, thats all changed now and whats important to consider is that other than the daily showering all of this didn't happen at once.
I am now the secretary for the AA group Welcome All which I am a member of and where I received my one year medallion. Besides being clapped at on a weekly basis I present a short five minute aa related business, run the monthly business meetings, and sign people's court slips. I also serve as one of the communication points from central service to our group. Which reminds me, I need to call central services and tell them who I am, what my address is, and some other details. There was another guy who volunteered as well as me but didn't see my hand raised because he was behind me. I was going to let him do it and then he said that I could do it. It was typical AA stuff, people not wanting any sort of confrontation with each other. We talk with each other and care for each other we never want to be obviously pissy or anything like that. What sealed the deal was that he is going to school in the fall ad wouldn't be able to put a full year of service into the position. I don't know why it is important to me to do service in AA meetings, I think I just like to be a organizational part of something I care about. Well, that and I get clapped at every week.
So I didn't get fired today and the meeting with pinhead wasn't all that bad by meeting standards. He did congratulate me on a year of sobriety when I told him which was good but he still doesn't like me. I don't totally blame him, after all I did lie to him a bunch when I was active and didn't do shit for work in six months. What I do blame him for is being a bad manager as he never has anything positive to say and never seems to give a crap about the people he manages. I had a talk with another team member who I am friends with and she agreed that he was also a pretty crappy manager and some things just can't be helped. She also picked up on some tension between us, personally I think that pinhead was pissed that he didn't fire me when he had the chance. Boy oh boy did he have many chances in the fall of ninety eight when I would come into work already drunk and then pass out in various network closets only to get up and drink again. I am not proud of my behavior and plan never to repeat it so I guess I can't blame pinhead for anything as much as I want to.
I had a good conversation with the previously mentioned coworker and told her about my sobriety, healthy livin', and my desire to get another job. She agreed with what I said and offered to help with my resume and cover letters which is awesome. I have been friends with her since about the day she started and she is a rarity in the networking field. She is outgoing, a woman, and cute which is not a combination you see often in my field. She is also very good at what she does and doesn't use her curves to get her way. I had a crush on her when we first became friends but now she is like a sister to me and will be a good sounding board when I start getting into the thick of things with my job hunting. She was also very supportive of my lifestyle change and who wouldn't be as I was a total selfish asshole for much of my life. I don't mind referencing my past life in that way and while it is harsh it is also the truth. I must remember what I once was and what I have the ability to become.
It totally blows me away that I am healthy now. I don't drink, I don't use drugs, I don't smoke ciggys, I exercise daily, I watch what I eat, and I even take vitamins. I shower and shave at least once a day and I use various pit sticks, hair conditioners, and body spray so that I smell nice. I didn't always smell so good and I am proud to say that the only time I will smell bad again is if I go on some sort of outdoor outing for a few days that doesn't have shower facilities. I know this seems obvious and something that your parent or guardian would teach you when you are little but its something that I ignored. I am pretty sure I went a few weeks and maybe even a month without brushing my teeth and that is just plain nasty. I had little or now concept of a routine and would ignore even the most basic of necessities. Well, thats all changed now and whats important to consider is that other than the daily showering all of this didn't happen at once.
20100126
Last Nite's Speaker & Smelly Dudes In AA
Today is Tuesday January Twenty Sixth Two Thousand Ten. I took the day off today, I decided to be lazy for once and just chill out at my pad on Amsden Street. There is not much on the docket today, I had a good workout this morning worked both the weights and cardio and I feel good about it. I am watching some "Twilight Zone" episodes on the booby and internetting around. I plan to read a bit, take a nap, and maybe brush my teeth a couple of times. I think this is the first time I have written a blow by blow account of my day but since today is so exciting I figured I would. I thought I would start some traditions of my own in regards to my recovery and one of them is taking the day off after my medallion ceremony to do absolutely nothing other than working out, drinking coffee, and eating. Oh, brushing my teeth a couple of times, always need to have good dental hygiene.
Last nite was awesome, my friend James spoke and received his three year medallion after I got my one year. He is a good kid, from the north shore and is back in art school. He is a brave guy who also has a eating disorder which for a guy is quite a thing to admit. He was very emotional, breaking down a few times, and really was abl to share his feelings. Thats one thing I need to work on, sharing my feelings and emotions with others in meetings. I pretty much tell my story like a police report and without much emotion. James is the complete opposite of that and his shares are awesome and last nite was the second time I've heard his story. The only problem about James as I don't really understand his girlfriend. She is in the program and has never even said anything beyond hello to me. Its as if she thinks I am trying to get into her pants or something and nothing could be further from the truth. Not only is she in the program, already has a bobo, but I don't find her attractive in the least. I know thats total bullshit and I sorta feel bad saying it but she just isn't very nice to me. Maybe its a vibe I give off or something or maybe she is just a shy person.
So I got my one year medallion and a card with a bunch of other member's thoughts inside. It was really cool to get and the two guys I asked showed up to cheer me on. One is a member from the Sat am meeting who is like an AA father figure for me and the other one is someone from work. He was really emotional after the meeting and I don't think that he had ever been to a aa meeting before. I sometimes forget how emotional they can be and most people don't share their feelings with large groups of people. Its a testament to the program that I am not only comfortable listening to other's feelings but on occasion am able to share my own. It really meant a bunch to me that they showed up in support of me. Its one of the many awesome things that AA has given me over the last year. People see me as an inspiration ! Me ? An inspiration ? Again, another bit of awesomeness of aa.
I told everyone last nite that while yes I have changed on the outside and no longer look like a PH!SH tour refugee that biggest part has been the change on the inside. I feel comfortable in my own skin and I am for once happy with they way things are going in my life. I am a bit lonely but I know that eventually I will find someone who I can make as happy as she makes me. Granted, it might be a dog but we all have to know what makes us happy. It amazes me that I am a able to maintain my sobriety and that I actually enjoy going to aa meetings. They must work because I have not had a cocktail since I started going and while I think about it every now and then I really don't have the obsession to drink. I still have my faults but I know what most of them are and I am making an effort to improve myself and those around me. Last year I didn't give a shit about anyone but myself and I was the only thing I thought about. Not to say that I am gracious to a fault but I again make the effort to help others.
Every once in awhile someone appears in an AA meeting who makes me feel very uncomfortable. There are two guys in particular who over the past year make me squirm in my seat. The first guy thinks that we are a bunch of snobs who are not welcoming, don't call on him to speak, and yells at the group while he is walking out the door. He is usually pretty shitfaced and I am just embarrassed for him because he so obviously needs some help. The second guy is homeless and emits the most god awful stench I have ever smelled. He has this toxic cloud that covers about ten feet and the stench lingers for fifteen minutes after he leaves a room. I mean I would like to help the guy but his smell makes me want to vomit and I pride myself on having a fairly strong stomach. He also claims that he doesn't drink anymore and I have seen him drinking in the street and he had a bottle with him on the NYD alcathon. I would be happy to try and help this guy but he needs to take a shower and be honest with himself. I realize I am bitching for the sake of bitching but the smell was just so horrible and I wanted to bitch about it.
Last nite was awesome, my friend James spoke and received his three year medallion after I got my one year. He is a good kid, from the north shore and is back in art school. He is a brave guy who also has a eating disorder which for a guy is quite a thing to admit. He was very emotional, breaking down a few times, and really was abl to share his feelings. Thats one thing I need to work on, sharing my feelings and emotions with others in meetings. I pretty much tell my story like a police report and without much emotion. James is the complete opposite of that and his shares are awesome and last nite was the second time I've heard his story. The only problem about James as I don't really understand his girlfriend. She is in the program and has never even said anything beyond hello to me. Its as if she thinks I am trying to get into her pants or something and nothing could be further from the truth. Not only is she in the program, already has a bobo, but I don't find her attractive in the least. I know thats total bullshit and I sorta feel bad saying it but she just isn't very nice to me. Maybe its a vibe I give off or something or maybe she is just a shy person.
So I got my one year medallion and a card with a bunch of other member's thoughts inside. It was really cool to get and the two guys I asked showed up to cheer me on. One is a member from the Sat am meeting who is like an AA father figure for me and the other one is someone from work. He was really emotional after the meeting and I don't think that he had ever been to a aa meeting before. I sometimes forget how emotional they can be and most people don't share their feelings with large groups of people. Its a testament to the program that I am not only comfortable listening to other's feelings but on occasion am able to share my own. It really meant a bunch to me that they showed up in support of me. Its one of the many awesome things that AA has given me over the last year. People see me as an inspiration ! Me ? An inspiration ? Again, another bit of awesomeness of aa.
I told everyone last nite that while yes I have changed on the outside and no longer look like a PH!SH tour refugee that biggest part has been the change on the inside. I feel comfortable in my own skin and I am for once happy with they way things are going in my life. I am a bit lonely but I know that eventually I will find someone who I can make as happy as she makes me. Granted, it might be a dog but we all have to know what makes us happy. It amazes me that I am a able to maintain my sobriety and that I actually enjoy going to aa meetings. They must work because I have not had a cocktail since I started going and while I think about it every now and then I really don't have the obsession to drink. I still have my faults but I know what most of them are and I am making an effort to improve myself and those around me. Last year I didn't give a shit about anyone but myself and I was the only thing I thought about. Not to say that I am gracious to a fault but I again make the effort to help others.
Every once in awhile someone appears in an AA meeting who makes me feel very uncomfortable. There are two guys in particular who over the past year make me squirm in my seat. The first guy thinks that we are a bunch of snobs who are not welcoming, don't call on him to speak, and yells at the group while he is walking out the door. He is usually pretty shitfaced and I am just embarrassed for him because he so obviously needs some help. The second guy is homeless and emits the most god awful stench I have ever smelled. He has this toxic cloud that covers about ten feet and the stench lingers for fifteen minutes after he leaves a room. I mean I would like to help the guy but his smell makes me want to vomit and I pride myself on having a fairly strong stomach. He also claims that he doesn't drink anymore and I have seen him drinking in the street and he had a bottle with him on the NYD alcathon. I would be happy to try and help this guy but he needs to take a shower and be honest with himself. I realize I am bitching for the sake of bitching but the smell was just so horrible and I wanted to bitch about it.
20100125
Clapping & Friends
Today is Monday January Twenty Fifth Two Thousand Ten. Big day today, I not only decided to do cardio for another day but I will be receiving my one year medallion tonight at the Welcome All aa group. Its nice to be recognized and there is a lot of that kind of shit in aa. There is a bunch of clapping as well, it seems like we clap at just about everything and spend much of the meeting clapping. I like to clap, maybe not as much as I like to snap or whistle but its certainly easy to do. When I clap I am one of those assholes that claps on the downbeat of all the other clappers or up tempo as well. Sometimes if I am holding a cup of coffee I clap one handed and smack my hand against my thigh. I also add a "woo woo !" Let me see how many times we clap: When a speaker is introduced, when a speaker is finished, when someone gets a day counter chip, when someone gets a medallion, when the secretary is finished, when the treasurer is finished, and sometimes there is spontaneous clapping as well. So I guess if you are new to aa, you better like to clap.
I have been trading emails with a woman I dated for three months or so. We were like two peas in a pod, same age, same ciggy brand, grew up in the same part of mass, similar alcoholism, etc. She dumped me for a couple of reasons. The first was that I was a total mess and would frequently show up to the bar she worked at drunk. I also looked at some shit on her computer I shouldn't have even though it wasn't anything I didn't already know about her. A friend of mine who also dated her told me she dumped me because things were going well and she got scared. I'd like to think that was true but I was a total asshole then and wasn't in any shape to be good for anyone. She is the second ex that I talk to and probably the only one I still give a shit about. I wouldn't date her again even if it was possible but she is a good friend and I feel that enough time has passed for that to be possible. She is one of the most honest people I know and I have a tremendous about of respect and admiration for her because of that. She is also creative and while I don't like all of her artistic endeavors I enjoy the majority of them.
I stated previously that we had similar alcoholism and while that was true it is not true today. She is able to police her drinking and may not have boozed for the same reasons that I did. She is able to draw a line where I simply cannot and have no desire to just drink a little bit. I will never forget Valentine's day and the amount of booze we consumed. From what I remember we went out to dinner and had at least one martini each and split a bottle of wine. Then we went back to her pad and drank a fifth of gin in martinis, at least two bottles of wine, and the better part of a twelve pack before she passed out. I remember carrying her to bed and then resuming the task of finishing the twelvie while smoking her ciggys and playing her guitar. She woke up the next morning very embarrassed to me making breakfast and probably humming.
She taught me a bunch about relationships during our brief time together. I think I grew up a bit and as much as I didn't want to admit it learned about my lack of ability as a boyfriend. I remember that we had tickets to a Trey show about six weeks after we broke up and we went together anyway. She drove and I brought along a friend who has just arrived from Thailand. Along with his arrival was a bottle of Thai Whiskey which has speed in it. I believe we drank most of a fifth before she picked us up and I am sure I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around on the way down to the show. I ran into a friend towards the end of the second set and he furnished me with some mdma for the ride home. She was still driving and I was supposed to be the navigator which didn't turn out so hot as I could barely see ten feet in front of me. I managed to have us miss the exit and we had to drive an extra thirty minutes out of our way because of it. Why she still talks to me today I will never know.
The majority of my friends have really been supportive and even the ones that I don't really talk to I believe are supportive. I even have a few friends outside of the program who have never seen me drunk which is amazing. I am pretty amazed that two xx chromos want to hang out with me on Friday and I know that never would have happened last year. I have always been friends with women but it always seemed that I had to do the majority of the effort thru communication, making plans, and taking care of logistics. I don't think I am god's gift to xx chromos or anything but its really cool that a few of them consider me their friend and want to spend time with me. One in particular has been awesome and even though I don't think I could date her it was incredible to be able to hang out with her in my early sobriety.
I have been trading emails with a woman I dated for three months or so. We were like two peas in a pod, same age, same ciggy brand, grew up in the same part of mass, similar alcoholism, etc. She dumped me for a couple of reasons. The first was that I was a total mess and would frequently show up to the bar she worked at drunk. I also looked at some shit on her computer I shouldn't have even though it wasn't anything I didn't already know about her. A friend of mine who also dated her told me she dumped me because things were going well and she got scared. I'd like to think that was true but I was a total asshole then and wasn't in any shape to be good for anyone. She is the second ex that I talk to and probably the only one I still give a shit about. I wouldn't date her again even if it was possible but she is a good friend and I feel that enough time has passed for that to be possible. She is one of the most honest people I know and I have a tremendous about of respect and admiration for her because of that. She is also creative and while I don't like all of her artistic endeavors I enjoy the majority of them.
I stated previously that we had similar alcoholism and while that was true it is not true today. She is able to police her drinking and may not have boozed for the same reasons that I did. She is able to draw a line where I simply cannot and have no desire to just drink a little bit. I will never forget Valentine's day and the amount of booze we consumed. From what I remember we went out to dinner and had at least one martini each and split a bottle of wine. Then we went back to her pad and drank a fifth of gin in martinis, at least two bottles of wine, and the better part of a twelve pack before she passed out. I remember carrying her to bed and then resuming the task of finishing the twelvie while smoking her ciggys and playing her guitar. She woke up the next morning very embarrassed to me making breakfast and probably humming.
She taught me a bunch about relationships during our brief time together. I think I grew up a bit and as much as I didn't want to admit it learned about my lack of ability as a boyfriend. I remember that we had tickets to a Trey show about six weeks after we broke up and we went together anyway. She drove and I brought along a friend who has just arrived from Thailand. Along with his arrival was a bottle of Thai Whiskey which has speed in it. I believe we drank most of a fifth before she picked us up and I am sure I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around on the way down to the show. I ran into a friend towards the end of the second set and he furnished me with some mdma for the ride home. She was still driving and I was supposed to be the navigator which didn't turn out so hot as I could barely see ten feet in front of me. I managed to have us miss the exit and we had to drive an extra thirty minutes out of our way because of it. Why she still talks to me today I will never know.
The majority of my friends have really been supportive and even the ones that I don't really talk to I believe are supportive. I even have a few friends outside of the program who have never seen me drunk which is amazing. I am pretty amazed that two xx chromos want to hang out with me on Friday and I know that never would have happened last year. I have always been friends with women but it always seemed that I had to do the majority of the effort thru communication, making plans, and taking care of logistics. I don't think I am god's gift to xx chromos or anything but its really cool that a few of them consider me their friend and want to spend time with me. One in particular has been awesome and even though I don't think I could date her it was incredible to be able to hang out with her in my early sobriety.
20100124
PR Coffee. WA Party, & Gratitude
Today is Sunday January Twenty Fourth Two Thousand Ten. I am having a good day so far after a fairly crappy workout this morning. I don't know why but I just wasn't into it a hundred percent. I was into the weight training part of the workout but not the cardio which is weird because yesterday I was all cardio. I started doing leg presses and I felt something hinky in my right knee where I had it surgically repaired. I have been warned about leg presses and my left patellar tendon so I think I am going to talk to my trainer about it. I really dont want to go thru all that bullshit again, I mean I will if I have to but I'd rather not. Anyone in their right mind would not want to go thru that again but at least I would know what to expect this time. I certainly wouldn't want to be on painkillers for three months again. I think I am going to start with my phys therapist about my knee and then go from there, perhaps its time for a visit to Dr. Louie. He is awesome because I can call him in the morning and see him either later in the day or early the next morning. I am going to be super bummed when he retires.
Time to make some more Puerto Rican coffee that brought back last week. Its awesome because its robust and not very bitter and since I like to drink my coffee black the taste is much more noticeable to me. I like using a one or two serving french press because I like the simplicity of the operation. Just pour boiling water into the tube with two tablespoons of goodness, stir and let sit for five minnys. The give it another stir and depress the plunger thingamabob and you have a pretty damn good cuppa. I just brewed my second cup and am waiting to drink away, you just have to be careful of the grounds in the bottom. Otherwise its a fine and robust cup of zingy goodness. That Puerto Rican stuff appears to have plenty of caffeine given how fast I am typing this blog.
So I went to the anniversary celebration for my monday night AA group called Welcome All. Its a great meeting and I consider it my home group and its where I do the most service within the group and on commitments. Its where I will be receiving my one year medallion tomorrow night and its a great cross section of Cambridge. There are people in their teens to their seventies and an equal mix of xy and xx chromos as well as lots of sobriety. It also draws newcomers because its right off the square and is a large comfy room. Anyhoo, I volunteered to do the decorations and I guess they came out ok but what was a big hit were a bunch of "Welcome Home" signs. More than one person commented on them (there were three) and how thoughtful it was to hang them. I remember reading a book about Bill Wilson and when folks showed up at his house in Akron, OH they would say "Welcome Home". To be totally honest I thought it was a good idea because thats what they do when you arrive at the gate of Burning Man and aa is like a home to me. Not matter what my reasoning was at point of purchase it was a good idea and I am glad I did it. Its always nice to get a good reaction from people when you do something for them.
Gratitude is a big tenant of the aa program. I think that it is an excellent ideal and after being so selfish and taking other people for granted it is awesome to realize what life and others are doing for you. After all its the title of this blog and an important part of my life. I am grateful for my sponsor, the twelve steps, others in the program, my trainer, my family, my friends, and my serenity. I think that I am fairly serene and I've always been a pretty mellow guy. Whats important to remember is that while I may present myself as mellow on the outside I need to remember that I need to be mellow on the inside. I am very excited about the future and what it may or may not bring me. I am trying not to feel like I am playing catchup and not to rush into things. I am just where I need to be at this moment and just for the record I am going to review: I am sober. I am a non smoker. I go to the gym. I am employed. I eat a balanced diet. I speak to others about my feelings. I am comfortable in my own skin. I'd say thats pretty fucking good and I am very proud of where I am and the work that it took me to get here. I would like to date someone. I would like a better job. I would like to own a car that works. I would like to co-own a house. I would like to have children. I would like a dog. I would liek to weigh two hundred pounds. The point it I am happy where I am at this very moment but I also have goals, wants, & needs for the future.
So I have an interesting event going on this Friday. I will be going to moe. at the House Of Blues with both of the xx chromos that I am interested in. They are my friends at this point and I am not going to push anything at this point. As I have said before that I want much more than some tail and I am patient and willing to wait. They are both hot babes and I am pretty damn proud that both of them want to hang out with me. What a change from before when I didn't shower on a regular basis and couldn't care less about how I looked and probably obviously how I smelled. I make sure that before I leave the house that I look like I am going to meet someone and want to impress them. Its how I live now and how I will continue to live till the day I die. I will never let myself go the way I did previously. I am proud to be living a healthy life. Well, enough of patting myself on the head and telling myself I am a good boy because well, I am a good boy. All I know is that at least one if not both of the xx chromos will show up to hang out, perhaps even both of them. I hope they get along, this isn't any kind of competition or anything I just want to enjoy myself and I love hanging out with hot girls. Who doesn't ?
Time to make some more Puerto Rican coffee that brought back last week. Its awesome because its robust and not very bitter and since I like to drink my coffee black the taste is much more noticeable to me. I like using a one or two serving french press because I like the simplicity of the operation. Just pour boiling water into the tube with two tablespoons of goodness, stir and let sit for five minnys. The give it another stir and depress the plunger thingamabob and you have a pretty damn good cuppa. I just brewed my second cup and am waiting to drink away, you just have to be careful of the grounds in the bottom. Otherwise its a fine and robust cup of zingy goodness. That Puerto Rican stuff appears to have plenty of caffeine given how fast I am typing this blog.
So I went to the anniversary celebration for my monday night AA group called Welcome All. Its a great meeting and I consider it my home group and its where I do the most service within the group and on commitments. Its where I will be receiving my one year medallion tomorrow night and its a great cross section of Cambridge. There are people in their teens to their seventies and an equal mix of xy and xx chromos as well as lots of sobriety. It also draws newcomers because its right off the square and is a large comfy room. Anyhoo, I volunteered to do the decorations and I guess they came out ok but what was a big hit were a bunch of "Welcome Home" signs. More than one person commented on them (there were three) and how thoughtful it was to hang them. I remember reading a book about Bill Wilson and when folks showed up at his house in Akron, OH they would say "Welcome Home". To be totally honest I thought it was a good idea because thats what they do when you arrive at the gate of Burning Man and aa is like a home to me. Not matter what my reasoning was at point of purchase it was a good idea and I am glad I did it. Its always nice to get a good reaction from people when you do something for them.
Gratitude is a big tenant of the aa program. I think that it is an excellent ideal and after being so selfish and taking other people for granted it is awesome to realize what life and others are doing for you. After all its the title of this blog and an important part of my life. I am grateful for my sponsor, the twelve steps, others in the program, my trainer, my family, my friends, and my serenity. I think that I am fairly serene and I've always been a pretty mellow guy. Whats important to remember is that while I may present myself as mellow on the outside I need to remember that I need to be mellow on the inside. I am very excited about the future and what it may or may not bring me. I am trying not to feel like I am playing catchup and not to rush into things. I am just where I need to be at this moment and just for the record I am going to review: I am sober. I am a non smoker. I go to the gym. I am employed. I eat a balanced diet. I speak to others about my feelings. I am comfortable in my own skin. I'd say thats pretty fucking good and I am very proud of where I am and the work that it took me to get here. I would like to date someone. I would like a better job. I would like to own a car that works. I would like to co-own a house. I would like to have children. I would like a dog. I would liek to weigh two hundred pounds. The point it I am happy where I am at this very moment but I also have goals, wants, & needs for the future.
So I have an interesting event going on this Friday. I will be going to moe. at the House Of Blues with both of the xx chromos that I am interested in. They are my friends at this point and I am not going to push anything at this point. As I have said before that I want much more than some tail and I am patient and willing to wait. They are both hot babes and I am pretty damn proud that both of them want to hang out with me. What a change from before when I didn't shower on a regular basis and couldn't care less about how I looked and probably obviously how I smelled. I make sure that before I leave the house that I look like I am going to meet someone and want to impress them. Its how I live now and how I will continue to live till the day I die. I will never let myself go the way I did previously. I am proud to be living a healthy life. Well, enough of patting myself on the head and telling myself I am a good boy because well, I am a good boy. All I know is that at least one if not both of the xx chromos will show up to hang out, perhaps even both of them. I hope they get along, this isn't any kind of competition or anything I just want to enjoy myself and I love hanging out with hot girls. Who doesn't ?
20100122
Day After, Court Mandated Programs, & Autos
Today is January Twenty Second Two Thousand Ten. I decided not to go out and see music last nite, I was pretty tired after getting up at five to hit the gym, working all day and going to two meetings. It was also a pretty emotional day and I have learned that giving a shit about life can make a person tired. I have also learned that its ok to be tired and to go to bed early. I always thought there was something wrong with my buzz if I was tired and I needed more. At least thats what I was telling myself everyday when I woke up and wanted to drink.
I was just IM'ing with one of the guys I lived with in the Somerville crack house lo those many years ago. He and his brother would be smoking cocaine when I left in the morning, when I got home at nite, and when I went down to pee in the middle of the night. I don't think they moved from their couches positions very much and finally passed out there when they were tired. I think the only reason why they got up in the first place was to make more crack cocaine from the large amount of powder they had delivered. The guy I was just talking to was the one who ran the business and did most of the work and organizing while the other brother was just a hanger on. It was interesting to see their downfall and sort of sad really, eventually the older one went down for dealing and spent a few years in the clink.
He is doing much better now but says that his brother has the same attitude as he did in their crack days. He seems to have changed for the better and has moved away to the middle west with a wife, kids, house, and a couple of dogs. I was always super nice to me and I never had a problem with him, I just didn't like his brother. I am glad he is happy and while he still is the same dude he has much more perspective and happiness in his life. For that I am glad because five years ago I didn't think that was possible. He had gotten out of jail, was doing cocaine again, and didn't seem to have learned very much. Then something happened when he was attending his court mandated aa meetings. Saw the light I guess and he appears to be a better man because of it.
I have mixed feelings about the courts mandating aa or na as part of a sentence. I have seen it work for some people so thats good but forcing someone to attend a voluntary program just goes against my beliefs. As a chairperson or secretary I have signed many court slips for attendance and it seems like there wouldn't be any way for the court to follow up with it. After all, nobody uses their last names and giving my full signature to a possible criminal is not something to be taken lightly. But if one person out of a hundred is sober because of this requirement then I guess its a good idea. For me, one of the best things about aa is the ability to make a difference in people's lives while improving my life in the process.
I am going to buy a car this summer and I am trying to decide how to go about it. My first idea is to buy a piece of crap for two grand and then save for a few years and pick up an nicer one. This would allow me to have a rig to drive around and then save fifteen or twenty thousand dollars for a car that I want. As I mentioned before a aa friend offered to sell me his POS for fifteen hundred dollars and I think its a good deal because the car has super low mileage for a '96. I was pitching this idea to my pop and he suggested that I buy a nicer car now and that he could help me out with it. That certainly opens up some possibilities and now I can't decide what I want to do. The 1.5k car would be easy peasy and I could be driving around in it by April or May. The 10k car would put be into it by the end of the summer and then of course the more expensive one I would wait for three years before making the decision. I have never owned a really new working car with the exception of a volvo wagon and my dad's mb190. God do I miss that 190, it was awesome and my pop really loved it. The engine seized after the timing chain snapped and emitted the most horrid smell I have ever encountered.
I will be yapping about this subject quite a bit because I am a very visual person and it helps me to write things out so that I can look at them and make a decision. If I save say eight hundred dollars starting in March till August that will give me 4.8k to spend on a car. If pops is willing to match that then I can get into a 10k car that should be pretty sweet. Now the question is what type of car ? I would love another benz or a bmw but I don't think I am going to go there. I really like the mini coopers and also the Mazda3 as they are smaller cars but still have plenty of zip. The cooper is a gimmick car but they are fast and nimble enough and I should be able to park the thing anywhere. I like the size and body style of the Mazda3 as well as its faster and spendier cousin the Mazda maxspeed3. There is always the possibility of a VW of course and I will be looking into those as well. If someone gave me 20k right now and told me to pick out a car it would def be a cooper or a maxspeed3. It should be interesting to see how my opinions change as the year goes on.
I was just IM'ing with one of the guys I lived with in the Somerville crack house lo those many years ago. He and his brother would be smoking cocaine when I left in the morning, when I got home at nite, and when I went down to pee in the middle of the night. I don't think they moved from their couches positions very much and finally passed out there when they were tired. I think the only reason why they got up in the first place was to make more crack cocaine from the large amount of powder they had delivered. The guy I was just talking to was the one who ran the business and did most of the work and organizing while the other brother was just a hanger on. It was interesting to see their downfall and sort of sad really, eventually the older one went down for dealing and spent a few years in the clink.
He is doing much better now but says that his brother has the same attitude as he did in their crack days. He seems to have changed for the better and has moved away to the middle west with a wife, kids, house, and a couple of dogs. I was always super nice to me and I never had a problem with him, I just didn't like his brother. I am glad he is happy and while he still is the same dude he has much more perspective and happiness in his life. For that I am glad because five years ago I didn't think that was possible. He had gotten out of jail, was doing cocaine again, and didn't seem to have learned very much. Then something happened when he was attending his court mandated aa meetings. Saw the light I guess and he appears to be a better man because of it.
I have mixed feelings about the courts mandating aa or na as part of a sentence. I have seen it work for some people so thats good but forcing someone to attend a voluntary program just goes against my beliefs. As a chairperson or secretary I have signed many court slips for attendance and it seems like there wouldn't be any way for the court to follow up with it. After all, nobody uses their last names and giving my full signature to a possible criminal is not something to be taken lightly. But if one person out of a hundred is sober because of this requirement then I guess its a good idea. For me, one of the best things about aa is the ability to make a difference in people's lives while improving my life in the process.
I am going to buy a car this summer and I am trying to decide how to go about it. My first idea is to buy a piece of crap for two grand and then save for a few years and pick up an nicer one. This would allow me to have a rig to drive around and then save fifteen or twenty thousand dollars for a car that I want. As I mentioned before a aa friend offered to sell me his POS for fifteen hundred dollars and I think its a good deal because the car has super low mileage for a '96. I was pitching this idea to my pop and he suggested that I buy a nicer car now and that he could help me out with it. That certainly opens up some possibilities and now I can't decide what I want to do. The 1.5k car would be easy peasy and I could be driving around in it by April or May. The 10k car would put be into it by the end of the summer and then of course the more expensive one I would wait for three years before making the decision. I have never owned a really new working car with the exception of a volvo wagon and my dad's mb190. God do I miss that 190, it was awesome and my pop really loved it. The engine seized after the timing chain snapped and emitted the most horrid smell I have ever encountered.
I will be yapping about this subject quite a bit because I am a very visual person and it helps me to write things out so that I can look at them and make a decision. If I save say eight hundred dollars starting in March till August that will give me 4.8k to spend on a car. If pops is willing to match that then I can get into a 10k car that should be pretty sweet. Now the question is what type of car ? I would love another benz or a bmw but I don't think I am going to go there. I really like the mini coopers and also the Mazda3 as they are smaller cars but still have plenty of zip. The cooper is a gimmick car but they are fast and nimble enough and I should be able to park the thing anywhere. I like the size and body style of the Mazda3 as well as its faster and spendier cousin the Mazda maxspeed3. There is always the possibility of a VW of course and I will be looking into those as well. If someone gave me 20k right now and told me to pick out a car it would def be a cooper or a maxspeed3. It should be interesting to see how my opinions change as the year goes on.
20100121
A Year Of Sobreity
Today is Thursday January Twenty First Two Thousand Ten. Big day for me today and I began it by waking up at five am to go to the gym. I did this because I wanted to meet my sponsor Ed at the Hair Of The Dog meeting that begins at seven thirty. Its a men's meeting and one of my favorites but I don't get to attend it very often because I like to be at work by eight thirty or so. There is the one dude there who is homeless and you wouldn't know it by looking at him that he was. He seems to have the wherewithal to find a place to live he just chooses not to. I totally don't get that, even if I have a small bedroom in a crappy apartment like I did in Somerville it was still my own and a place to rest my head. I realize that everyone is entitled to do their own thing but thats something I just don't get.
Its weird to be walking around today after not having a cocktail for a year, I am no different than I was yesterday but am certainly different that I was last year. I realize there is a possibility of a letdown after today but I am going to try my best not to experience that. Its going to be cool not to be counting the months anymore and I am just someone who doesn't drink. No big deal, its a part of a healthy lifestyle that I am dedicated to. When I first got sober it was a big deal and it helped to be reminded of where I was when I was active. Now I feel that it is a part of who I am, a building block to a better life for myself and those who I interact with often.
I am really looking forward to next year. The first thing I want to get squared away is my drivers license. My previous license was revoked due to a DWI I got on Christmas and I decided not to get my license back because I was still drinking every day and I would be royally fucked if I was caught again. I made a promise that I would only get my license back after I had been sober for one year. The time has come and I dread making the phone call to the registry to find out how much they are going to jack me to get it back. Following being able to legally drive in MA I guess my next step would be finding a car to drive. I mentioned this to my folks and my dad offered to help me out but I am not sure at this point how much cash I want to spend on a car. My first thought was to spend eight or nine k on a mini because they are cool. That would be great but spending fifteen hundred on a beater has its merits as well. An AA friend offered to sell me his sedan for that price and while its pretty fugly it only has something like fifty thousand miles on it. Don't think I can go to wrong with something like that.
Another thing I am looking forward to doing this year is finding someone to date. Its been a really long time and while I am not all that lonely, I miss that physical intimacy that goes along with a relationship. Women always took a back seat to feeding my head and if one came along for the ride then great. If not, no big deal I'd rather just drink anyway. I realize that as an alcoholic I present some challenges for a woman but I also think that I offer a variety of positive things as well. You want honesty ? Got that covered. One of the many things I have learned over this past year is to be patient and let some things come to you and thats what I have planned for this area of my life.
Well, thats it for now. I need to get cracking on some things here at work. Quite possibly the biggest asshole on the planet works in the network design group here at CHB and I owe him some data. He will try and belittle me as much as possible till I get it done and I just don't need that today. I owe it to my boss as well so I ought to get on it.
ONE YEAR MOTHERFUCKERS !
Its weird to be walking around today after not having a cocktail for a year, I am no different than I was yesterday but am certainly different that I was last year. I realize there is a possibility of a letdown after today but I am going to try my best not to experience that. Its going to be cool not to be counting the months anymore and I am just someone who doesn't drink. No big deal, its a part of a healthy lifestyle that I am dedicated to. When I first got sober it was a big deal and it helped to be reminded of where I was when I was active. Now I feel that it is a part of who I am, a building block to a better life for myself and those who I interact with often.
I am really looking forward to next year. The first thing I want to get squared away is my drivers license. My previous license was revoked due to a DWI I got on Christmas and I decided not to get my license back because I was still drinking every day and I would be royally fucked if I was caught again. I made a promise that I would only get my license back after I had been sober for one year. The time has come and I dread making the phone call to the registry to find out how much they are going to jack me to get it back. Following being able to legally drive in MA I guess my next step would be finding a car to drive. I mentioned this to my folks and my dad offered to help me out but I am not sure at this point how much cash I want to spend on a car. My first thought was to spend eight or nine k on a mini because they are cool. That would be great but spending fifteen hundred on a beater has its merits as well. An AA friend offered to sell me his sedan for that price and while its pretty fugly it only has something like fifty thousand miles on it. Don't think I can go to wrong with something like that.
Another thing I am looking forward to doing this year is finding someone to date. Its been a really long time and while I am not all that lonely, I miss that physical intimacy that goes along with a relationship. Women always took a back seat to feeding my head and if one came along for the ride then great. If not, no big deal I'd rather just drink anyway. I realize that as an alcoholic I present some challenges for a woman but I also think that I offer a variety of positive things as well. You want honesty ? Got that covered. One of the many things I have learned over this past year is to be patient and let some things come to you and thats what I have planned for this area of my life.
Well, thats it for now. I need to get cracking on some things here at work. Quite possibly the biggest asshole on the planet works in the network design group here at CHB and I owe him some data. He will try and belittle me as much as possible till I get it done and I just don't need that today. I owe it to my boss as well so I ought to get on it.
ONE YEAR MOTHERFUCKERS !
20100120
Croakley & Obama's Inauguration Of Last Year
Today is Wednesday January Twentieth Two Thousand Ten. So Croakley fucked up her campaign and let the young repub out campaign her to win the election. Serves her right, she thought it was a sho in and even had el Presidente grace his with his presence. Still didn't work, I think the voters are fed up with Beacon Hill thinking that the demo party was untouchable. Considering the voter turnout being so large for special election and that it was snowing, it really shows what the voters are thinking. The voters are sick and tired of all the bullshit coming from government in this commonwealth and it was time for a change. What a change it is, to have a repub senator take the lion's old seat. I am sure it was very worn from Ted's ass cheeks and I'm wondering if they give him a new one or what? If I was Kerry I would switch seats before Brown shows up.
One year ago today I watched the inauguration of Obama while working my way thru a case of beer and then a few bottles of wine. It was the last time I drank alcohol and later that night my pop brought me to Beverly Hospital so that I could begin the road to recovery. It is interesting to me that I spent the last few days drinking something other than vodka. Budweiser was never my favorite even when I was drinking cheap american beer, I was strictly a Busch man in those days. I am sure I must have poached some from my folks stash but it was getting pretty thin from all the times I had hit it previously. I can honestly say that I thought that with enough hard work that I could stay sober but I didn't think that I would enjoy sobriety as much as I do now. I thought that life would be very boring and that I wouldn't be able to find anything fun to do sober. I have found plenty to do and am continually looking for new and different things to experience.
I like my life now and not only because I am sober. For the last few years I really didn't have a social life other than some male friends who stuck by me thru everything. I didn't like to drink in bars because people would notice the staggering amount of liquor that I could drink. I remember I was once asked to be the bartender at a wedding and the first few drinks I made were returned to me because they were to strong. I didn't even make them nearly as strong as I would have liked and people still thought it was too heavy of a pour. At a wedding for god's sake, it wasn't like the booze was going to run out. I think that I could drink a fifth in four or five drinks max and thats why I almost exclusively bought half gallons during the last years of my drinking. I am not boasting or proud of any of this, it makes me sad thinking about how much money, time, and effort I put into drinking. Booze ran my life for years and everything was centered around it.
I think thats all I am going to write for today because I am going to be writing a long self centered entry tomorrow on my one year anniversary.
One year ago today I watched the inauguration of Obama while working my way thru a case of beer and then a few bottles of wine. It was the last time I drank alcohol and later that night my pop brought me to Beverly Hospital so that I could begin the road to recovery. It is interesting to me that I spent the last few days drinking something other than vodka. Budweiser was never my favorite even when I was drinking cheap american beer, I was strictly a Busch man in those days. I am sure I must have poached some from my folks stash but it was getting pretty thin from all the times I had hit it previously. I can honestly say that I thought that with enough hard work that I could stay sober but I didn't think that I would enjoy sobriety as much as I do now. I thought that life would be very boring and that I wouldn't be able to find anything fun to do sober. I have found plenty to do and am continually looking for new and different things to experience.
I like my life now and not only because I am sober. For the last few years I really didn't have a social life other than some male friends who stuck by me thru everything. I didn't like to drink in bars because people would notice the staggering amount of liquor that I could drink. I remember I was once asked to be the bartender at a wedding and the first few drinks I made were returned to me because they were to strong. I didn't even make them nearly as strong as I would have liked and people still thought it was too heavy of a pour. At a wedding for god's sake, it wasn't like the booze was going to run out. I think that I could drink a fifth in four or five drinks max and thats why I almost exclusively bought half gallons during the last years of my drinking. I am not boasting or proud of any of this, it makes me sad thinking about how much money, time, and effort I put into drinking. Booze ran my life for years and everything was centered around it.
I think thats all I am going to write for today because I am going to be writing a long self centered entry tomorrow on my one year anniversary.
20100119
Thoughts On San Juan
Today is Tuesday January Nineteenth Two Thousand Ten. I just returned from a successful trip to San Juan Puerto Rico as evidenced by my babbling about it for most of last week. It was an impulse trip, one that I could make because I am sober. Would have never had the cash for it last winter and if I did I would have spent it and the weekend high on dope not wanting to face work on Tuesday. In fact last year at this time I had woken up drinking my pop's wine just about this time and was making the arrangements to get my fucked up ass into detox and rehab. What a difference a year makes, my god some of the promises that AA blabs about actually come true. Who would have known that hard work. honesty, follow thru, and dedication will get you places and rewards.
I love Jet Blue. Not only are the fares astoundingly inexpensive but the flights are convenient, many are non stop, on time, and I can actually sleep fairly comfortably in their regular coach class seats. The majority of the employees are helpful and I have not had any bones to pick with them yet. I am sure that at some point there will be a problem and as long as its either weather related or mechanical I don't really mind. I don't mind waiting for them to fix something thats going to bring me thousands of feet up in the air even if they are not certain that something it broken. Better than assuming the shit works and then get a whoops at thousands of feet up in the air. The weather, well you just have to get lucky in that department. I have not really gotten all that shafted with the weather yet and its probably due to the fact that most of the traveling I've done in the past ten years has been in the summer. The direct tv and satradio are cool options but all I do it fiddle with it for an hour or so and then crash or read. I did really like the little tele when I was flying back to Boston after the tsunami because my bro didn't have an idiot box at his house and I was way more into doing crystal meth than surfing the internet during that disaster. What memories.
The place I rented for seventy five buck a night in San Juan was awesome and worth every penny. It had a sweet bed and bathroom but what was really cool was the outdoor sunken kitchen where I was able to prepare breakfast and lunch. Not that my culinary skills were on display much; oatmeal, toast, fruit, and hot dogs but it was super handy-dandy. The host who lived there with his bobo was attentive without being annoying and told me all sorts of shit about San Juan that I wouldn't have known. The pad was in a somewhat shady part of San Juan but thats just an american talking, not someone who lives there. I felt fine walking around at night and there was a bus to Old San Juan about two blocks from the casita. The beach was about a twenty minute walk and the supermarket was on the way. Museums, galleries, theatres, and all sorts of other cool shit was within walking distance. I can't say that I would have had a better place to rest my head for double the cost and this place absolutely rocked and I will stay there again. Oh, the largest straight disco and the largest gay disco were also right around the corner, with a tranny bar placed around for good measure.
I really enjoyed myself even if I was a bit lonely at times but I was able to combat that in a few ways. I went to Old San Juan and checked out this crazy street fair as well as the two forts that the Spanish had built to protect their investment in the new world. I spent some time on the beach even tho I am not really a beach person but it was cool just to check out the ocean. Everyone kept talking about how it was raining so hard and how that was not normal that time of year but it was still eighty degrees and ninety seven percent humidity. I saw enough sun to make me happy and I enjoy seeing stuff from a locals perspective even if its just walking around town people watching. I found that I don't really like the majority of Puerto Rican food, lots of deep friend starchy goodness combined with red meet. I know it sounds good but I've been eating so well that I am just not used to it anymore. I did manage to eat a skirt steak as long as my forearm and a filet the size of my fist so I was ok in that department. I went the casino last night and won $3.25 on slots in about three minutes which was about as much time as I wanted to spend in the casino. I am a super high roller, five bucks in and $8.25 out !
San Juan is very much like NOLA when it comes to drinking. People seem to drink at all hours of the day and it appears that open containers are encouraged. I saw some signs in Old San Juan that said that a section of the city was closed for the public consumption of alcohol but it was all in Spanish and I didn't wholly understand what it said. There was a daily AA meeting in the morning about a mile from where I was crashing so I went three times. The people were very friendly and welcoming and it was a really good way to plug into the local scene from a alcoholic's perspective. I think that Puerto Rico would be a hard place to get sober because their main source of cash is tourism and where there is the white man tourist there is booze. I was walking down the beach on Sunday when I had this tremendous jones for booze. It wasn't as if I was sad or upset, I just wanted to get a bottle of rum and drink it. I thought to myself, who would know ? What would be the harm ? Well, I would know and the harm would be that four days before my year anniversary I would have drank and thrown a good run of sobriety down the drain. If I wasn't depressed before I drank I sure as hell would have been after when I woke up hungover the next day. I told myself that if I really wanted a bottle I would but a pack of marbys and smoke all of them and then of I still wanted to drink then I would. I ended up not drinking or smoking for that matter and it felt really good.
I love Jet Blue. Not only are the fares astoundingly inexpensive but the flights are convenient, many are non stop, on time, and I can actually sleep fairly comfortably in their regular coach class seats. The majority of the employees are helpful and I have not had any bones to pick with them yet. I am sure that at some point there will be a problem and as long as its either weather related or mechanical I don't really mind. I don't mind waiting for them to fix something thats going to bring me thousands of feet up in the air even if they are not certain that something it broken. Better than assuming the shit works and then get a whoops at thousands of feet up in the air. The weather, well you just have to get lucky in that department. I have not really gotten all that shafted with the weather yet and its probably due to the fact that most of the traveling I've done in the past ten years has been in the summer. The direct tv and satradio are cool options but all I do it fiddle with it for an hour or so and then crash or read. I did really like the little tele when I was flying back to Boston after the tsunami because my bro didn't have an idiot box at his house and I was way more into doing crystal meth than surfing the internet during that disaster. What memories.
The place I rented for seventy five buck a night in San Juan was awesome and worth every penny. It had a sweet bed and bathroom but what was really cool was the outdoor sunken kitchen where I was able to prepare breakfast and lunch. Not that my culinary skills were on display much; oatmeal, toast, fruit, and hot dogs but it was super handy-dandy. The host who lived there with his bobo was attentive without being annoying and told me all sorts of shit about San Juan that I wouldn't have known. The pad was in a somewhat shady part of San Juan but thats just an american talking, not someone who lives there. I felt fine walking around at night and there was a bus to Old San Juan about two blocks from the casita. The beach was about a twenty minute walk and the supermarket was on the way. Museums, galleries, theatres, and all sorts of other cool shit was within walking distance. I can't say that I would have had a better place to rest my head for double the cost and this place absolutely rocked and I will stay there again. Oh, the largest straight disco and the largest gay disco were also right around the corner, with a tranny bar placed around for good measure.
I really enjoyed myself even if I was a bit lonely at times but I was able to combat that in a few ways. I went to Old San Juan and checked out this crazy street fair as well as the two forts that the Spanish had built to protect their investment in the new world. I spent some time on the beach even tho I am not really a beach person but it was cool just to check out the ocean. Everyone kept talking about how it was raining so hard and how that was not normal that time of year but it was still eighty degrees and ninety seven percent humidity. I saw enough sun to make me happy and I enjoy seeing stuff from a locals perspective even if its just walking around town people watching. I found that I don't really like the majority of Puerto Rican food, lots of deep friend starchy goodness combined with red meet. I know it sounds good but I've been eating so well that I am just not used to it anymore. I did manage to eat a skirt steak as long as my forearm and a filet the size of my fist so I was ok in that department. I went the casino last night and won $3.25 on slots in about three minutes which was about as much time as I wanted to spend in the casino. I am a super high roller, five bucks in and $8.25 out !
San Juan is very much like NOLA when it comes to drinking. People seem to drink at all hours of the day and it appears that open containers are encouraged. I saw some signs in Old San Juan that said that a section of the city was closed for the public consumption of alcohol but it was all in Spanish and I didn't wholly understand what it said. There was a daily AA meeting in the morning about a mile from where I was crashing so I went three times. The people were very friendly and welcoming and it was a really good way to plug into the local scene from a alcoholic's perspective. I think that Puerto Rico would be a hard place to get sober because their main source of cash is tourism and where there is the white man tourist there is booze. I was walking down the beach on Sunday when I had this tremendous jones for booze. It wasn't as if I was sad or upset, I just wanted to get a bottle of rum and drink it. I thought to myself, who would know ? What would be the harm ? Well, I would know and the harm would be that four days before my year anniversary I would have drank and thrown a good run of sobriety down the drain. If I wasn't depressed before I drank I sure as hell would have been after when I woke up hungover the next day. I told myself that if I really wanted a bottle I would but a pack of marbys and smoke all of them and then of I still wanted to drink then I would. I ended up not drinking or smoking for that matter and it felt really good.
20100115
XX Chromos, Love For My Kindle & Out Of Here !
Today is Friday January Fifteenth Two Thousand Ten. Thank freaking god its Friday today because this has been a long week for me. Its like time stood still for the first four days or something. I blame it on my upcoming trip and anniversary, I guess I have too much going on in my life. Had a great meeting last nite, the thu nite meeting at the Harvard Divinity School is amazing. Small group and almost everyone gets a chance to yap if they way want. Its been rewarding to be the chairperson for all these months and I will miss the job when its time to pass it on. There is one member that totally annoys me but she is good for the program as a whole so I don't really have any right to be annoyed but I am. We needed a speaker last nite and when I asked her boyfriend to speak she told me that he couldn't because she needed to sit next to him. She seemed ok when she spoke and the focus was on her but who am I to sit in judgment ?
I think about the possibility of dating all the time because I love women and am lonely. I feel that I have a bunch to give to someone and am looking forward to finding the right person. It also scares the living fuck out of me because I don't think that I have had sex sober since ninety three. I know thats really sad and I am not worried about knowing what to do it will just be a new experience for me. Sex is important to me but its not the end all in a relationship. I have been with someone who had absolutely no idea of what she was doing but I was so hammered most of the time I didn't really either. Its going to be strange to have a grown up discussion about such things but it will also be a good thing.
I don't have much to write about today, I don't feel like rehashing any more war stories as I have done the previous days. I am in a good but weird place right now and my life is full of change. Just ordered a couple of books for my Kindle so that I have plenty of reading material for my vaca. I thik its awesome that I can dl a book in about fifteen seconds, a true marvel of technology. I can see growing old with my Kindle and I am totally in love with the technology. I don't think I have ever felt this way about something that takes batteries or needs to be plugged in. My first Macintosh or VCR maybe. Certainly my first record player, man I loved that thing. The iPod is a pretty close one too I admit and I am usually fairly resistant to technology but some of the doodads I have are simply awesome.
Not doing much work today, I don't know why but I simply am unmotivated to do anything. I have been printing PR info out and getting ready for this trip. I am not going to bring my laptop to San Juan I think that two cell phones, camera, ipod, and kindle are enough electronics for one trip. I brought a couple of books for the beach and or sailboat so I am set there. I don't have much of a plan other than to get a good sunburn, eat some good food, drink some great coffee, go to some aa meetings, and re-fucking-lax. I think I will be able to accomplish my various missions if I put my mind to it. There are a couple of forts on the island and while I personally don't give a shit about forts in general my brother is always all jazzed up about them. So I will probably visit one or the other, take some pics and then walk away.
The main thing I love about the internet is its role as a communication tool. I know thats tremendously obvious but beyond email and fb I enjoy reading about other people's lives and experiences. I was just reading some stuff on a forum about what it is like to be an escort and it is fascinating. Its an old story, a woman is paying for college and a new car but it is interesting to read about why she does what she does. Personally, I don't ever want to hire an escort as I want a woman to sleep with me on my own merits and not how much I pay her but its fun to find out what makes other people tick. It is sort of sad but she doesn't seem addicted to drugs, uses a service, and has a head on her shoulders. She has only been doing it for a month and gave alot of details on the forum to it will be interesting to see if anything happens like her getting outed by some dickhead. I just don't feel good about it but again its fascinating. Well thats it, see you Tuesday !
I think about the possibility of dating all the time because I love women and am lonely. I feel that I have a bunch to give to someone and am looking forward to finding the right person. It also scares the living fuck out of me because I don't think that I have had sex sober since ninety three. I know thats really sad and I am not worried about knowing what to do it will just be a new experience for me. Sex is important to me but its not the end all in a relationship. I have been with someone who had absolutely no idea of what she was doing but I was so hammered most of the time I didn't really either. Its going to be strange to have a grown up discussion about such things but it will also be a good thing.
I don't have much to write about today, I don't feel like rehashing any more war stories as I have done the previous days. I am in a good but weird place right now and my life is full of change. Just ordered a couple of books for my Kindle so that I have plenty of reading material for my vaca. I thik its awesome that I can dl a book in about fifteen seconds, a true marvel of technology. I can see growing old with my Kindle and I am totally in love with the technology. I don't think I have ever felt this way about something that takes batteries or needs to be plugged in. My first Macintosh or VCR maybe. Certainly my first record player, man I loved that thing. The iPod is a pretty close one too I admit and I am usually fairly resistant to technology but some of the doodads I have are simply awesome.
Not doing much work today, I don't know why but I simply am unmotivated to do anything. I have been printing PR info out and getting ready for this trip. I am not going to bring my laptop to San Juan I think that two cell phones, camera, ipod, and kindle are enough electronics for one trip. I brought a couple of books for the beach and or sailboat so I am set there. I don't have much of a plan other than to get a good sunburn, eat some good food, drink some great coffee, go to some aa meetings, and re-fucking-lax. I think I will be able to accomplish my various missions if I put my mind to it. There are a couple of forts on the island and while I personally don't give a shit about forts in general my brother is always all jazzed up about them. So I will probably visit one or the other, take some pics and then walk away.
The main thing I love about the internet is its role as a communication tool. I know thats tremendously obvious but beyond email and fb I enjoy reading about other people's lives and experiences. I was just reading some stuff on a forum about what it is like to be an escort and it is fascinating. Its an old story, a woman is paying for college and a new car but it is interesting to read about why she does what she does. Personally, I don't ever want to hire an escort as I want a woman to sleep with me on my own merits and not how much I pay her but its fun to find out what makes other people tick. It is sort of sad but she doesn't seem addicted to drugs, uses a service, and has a head on her shoulders. She has only been doing it for a month and gave alot of details on the forum to it will be interesting to see if anything happens like her getting outed by some dickhead. I just don't feel good about it but again its fascinating. Well thats it, see you Tuesday !
20100114
Two Days, Two Weeks, & One Week
Today is Thursday January Fourteenth Two Thousand Ten. Today has a fair amount of significance because I have been smoke free for two complete weeks, will be leaving for Puerto Rico tomorrow, and a week from today I will celebrate a year of sobriety. Whew, thats a bunch of stuff going on in my life which is such a change from a year ago when nothing was going on. Last year at this time I was drinking in the morning when I didn't have any heroin whether I had to work or not and a co worker had figured out that I was doing this. He had given me a couple of passes but he was at the end of his rope and so was my boss. I guess I will review what my activities were last year at this time.
I woke up early Fri morning and started drinking so I emailed work and said that I had an docs appointment and would be in later. I sat in front of the tv and drank till noon and just never showed up for work. I passed out sometime in the early afternoon and when I woke up I listened to a bunch of messages from Human Resources wondering where the fuck I was. I spent the weekend up in Topsfield with a case of beer and a few bags of heroin and after all that was finished I started in on my dad's wine collection. I contacted work and was approved for a medical leave and it was just a matter of time before I made my decision. I org went to Topsfield to figure out how to kill myself but I didn't have the balls to do it. I spoke to my brother and informed him of this on Monday and then my dad came down from Maine and brought me to Beverly Hospital. From there I was taken by ambulance to the Arbour Hospital in Jamaica Plain.
I woke up after a few hours of sleep in a detox for the first time in my life. I was the only rookie there, all of the other patients were repeats and were super bitchy. Thats what struck me the most, how entitled these folks were and how the staff was supposed to bend over backwards to help them out. I was wearing clothes that I would wear to work so I sorta suck out a bit but my hair was super long and I think I had a beard. I looked over the other folks and decided that I was right where I should be and just wasn't looking forward to the long road ahead. I make friends very easily so it wasn't long before I was interacting with a bunch of people. There were a few cute girls in the unit but I learned later that they fucked people for a living. Def not my idea of a good time and very sad. There was this one girl that was on so many meds that she just sort of drooled, shuffled, and nodded out the whole time. I also met an older guy that I would eventually sell my guitar to who wrote the serenity prayer on a piece of paper when I asked him to.
The Arbour dual diagnosis unit is a lockdown floor so it was sorta like being in jail for summer camp. We had various meetings, watched movies, and smoke breaks. The food was unremarkable but it was there. The staff with the exception of the weekend folks were excellent and very friendly. Evidently my blood pressure was so high that they made me sit near the nurses station in the beginning so in case I seized up they could administer whatever was needed. I was pretty medicated and don't remember a whole lot and I guess thats good. All I know is that I was ready to get out of there after seven days and I took the train over to a friend's house in Malden. This is the same friend that won't talk or hang out with me now after I've been sober for a year.
I went to a AA meeting that first night out of detox followed by a day program at the Arbour. The day program was crucial in my recovery process because it gave me local professional help when I needed it and I still go back to that place twice a month for my suboxone program. I would attend the program from eight hours a day and then go to meetings at night. I started going to Cambridge AA meetings and have not stopped, they are a good crew of folks. After the two week aftercare program I took an additional two weeks to focus on my recovery and then went back to work. Getting out of work that first day and not drinking was tough for me because thats what I knew. I needed to change my habits, lifestyle, and routines into healthy ones.
If I had it to do all over again I don't think I would have changed a thing. I could have gone somewhere else for my rehab but I wanted a local place because staying sober in detox is easy, you don't really have a choice. Its when you are back out in the world where you have to make good choices and make sure you have a support system. I certainly had that but it is also important to take into consideration that I have been working my ass off during my recovery and have followed the suggestions put forth by others. So far so good, I still attend six meetings a week and meet with Ed as often as I can. I chair a thu nite meeting and may be the secretary for the mon nite meeting. I have been on commitments, spoke four times, and have held many service jobs over the past year. AA has been good to me and while I like to joke and say I go to meetings for the xx chromos, my favorite meeting is a men's meeting called Hair Of The Dog. It meets daily in the am but I am unable to get to it due to work and my gym schedule. I plan to go next thu to spread some good cheer, I know that some of my brothers there will want to celebrate with me.
I woke up early Fri morning and started drinking so I emailed work and said that I had an docs appointment and would be in later. I sat in front of the tv and drank till noon and just never showed up for work. I passed out sometime in the early afternoon and when I woke up I listened to a bunch of messages from Human Resources wondering where the fuck I was. I spent the weekend up in Topsfield with a case of beer and a few bags of heroin and after all that was finished I started in on my dad's wine collection. I contacted work and was approved for a medical leave and it was just a matter of time before I made my decision. I org went to Topsfield to figure out how to kill myself but I didn't have the balls to do it. I spoke to my brother and informed him of this on Monday and then my dad came down from Maine and brought me to Beverly Hospital. From there I was taken by ambulance to the Arbour Hospital in Jamaica Plain.
I woke up after a few hours of sleep in a detox for the first time in my life. I was the only rookie there, all of the other patients were repeats and were super bitchy. Thats what struck me the most, how entitled these folks were and how the staff was supposed to bend over backwards to help them out. I was wearing clothes that I would wear to work so I sorta suck out a bit but my hair was super long and I think I had a beard. I looked over the other folks and decided that I was right where I should be and just wasn't looking forward to the long road ahead. I make friends very easily so it wasn't long before I was interacting with a bunch of people. There were a few cute girls in the unit but I learned later that they fucked people for a living. Def not my idea of a good time and very sad. There was this one girl that was on so many meds that she just sort of drooled, shuffled, and nodded out the whole time. I also met an older guy that I would eventually sell my guitar to who wrote the serenity prayer on a piece of paper when I asked him to.
The Arbour dual diagnosis unit is a lockdown floor so it was sorta like being in jail for summer camp. We had various meetings, watched movies, and smoke breaks. The food was unremarkable but it was there. The staff with the exception of the weekend folks were excellent and very friendly. Evidently my blood pressure was so high that they made me sit near the nurses station in the beginning so in case I seized up they could administer whatever was needed. I was pretty medicated and don't remember a whole lot and I guess thats good. All I know is that I was ready to get out of there after seven days and I took the train over to a friend's house in Malden. This is the same friend that won't talk or hang out with me now after I've been sober for a year.
I went to a AA meeting that first night out of detox followed by a day program at the Arbour. The day program was crucial in my recovery process because it gave me local professional help when I needed it and I still go back to that place twice a month for my suboxone program. I would attend the program from eight hours a day and then go to meetings at night. I started going to Cambridge AA meetings and have not stopped, they are a good crew of folks. After the two week aftercare program I took an additional two weeks to focus on my recovery and then went back to work. Getting out of work that first day and not drinking was tough for me because thats what I knew. I needed to change my habits, lifestyle, and routines into healthy ones.
If I had it to do all over again I don't think I would have changed a thing. I could have gone somewhere else for my rehab but I wanted a local place because staying sober in detox is easy, you don't really have a choice. Its when you are back out in the world where you have to make good choices and make sure you have a support system. I certainly had that but it is also important to take into consideration that I have been working my ass off during my recovery and have followed the suggestions put forth by others. So far so good, I still attend six meetings a week and meet with Ed as often as I can. I chair a thu nite meeting and may be the secretary for the mon nite meeting. I have been on commitments, spoke four times, and have held many service jobs over the past year. AA has been good to me and while I like to joke and say I go to meetings for the xx chromos, my favorite meeting is a men's meeting called Hair Of The Dog. It meets daily in the am but I am unable to get to it due to work and my gym schedule. I plan to go next thu to spread some good cheer, I know that some of my brothers there will want to celebrate with me.
20100113
Isometric Exercise & Why I Used
Today is Wednesday January Thirteenth Two Thousand Ten. I was reminded last nite how humbling isometric exercises were after I practiced a few with my trainer, Nancy. For the first time in six weeks I wasn't able to completely finish the sets and I would like to blame it on the 18 sets of other stuff I had done but I think I know what the problem is. I am just very weak in my upper body, something I had pointed out to me when I was rehabbing the scapula. I guess I have yet another goal in my fitness life, to get STRONG ! The last twenty six or so hours was chock full of fitness for me, did thirty minutes of cardio in the morning on tues, an hour of weight training with Nancy last nite, and thirty minutes of cardio this morning. I feel really good but it would take Nancy about fifteen, no ten minutes to knock me down. Heck, five even.
I have heard many stories in AA and other recovery groups about the reasons behind their dependence. Childhood abuse, depression, anxiety, and fear are the major ones and I have spent the better part of the last year trying to figure out what made me do what I did. Until I had a physical dependence on alcohol and opiates I just enjoyed an altered state. Going to the museum ? Lets get high and have a few pops, it will be better that way ! I had an awesome childhood, am not very anxious, and was only depressed when I couldn't think of living life without something in my system. I have taken just about every drug available on the black market with the exception of pcp and Special K and I never found god or myself when I was on substances. Have I used chemicals to deal with stress ? Most certainly but everything about my use was based on the ideal of better living thru chemistry. I am a pretty happy person normally and it takes a hell of a lot to get me down. I enjoyed getting high till it stopped working and being fun which was the last year and a half of my use.
I got into heroin after the pain meds from my knee surgery went out. I had done h in the past but not really on a daily use schedule. I would use it over the weekend and occasionally during a concert mid week but it wasn't till I had gotten used to taking opiates daily for months that I really made the decision to become a daily user. I knew exactly where this was going to take me, perhaps I didn't know about some of the physical withdrawal symptoms but I knew that this drug would take all my money and happiness and that the only way to stop would be detox, jail, or death. For a few years the drug worked and I kicked ass at work and was generally pretty happy. Then I started having problems keeping up with the amount that I snorted everyday and I couldn't afford to get the shit all the times. This is when the lost weekends started, I would have enough h to last me the work week and then I would go to my folks house in Topsfield and kick for the weekend.
By kick I don't mean kicking a soccer ball. By kick I mean punishing myself for two days by not doing heroin and drinking large volumes of vodka instead. I would place myself in an haze of booze to combat the withdrawal symptoms of the h. Withdrawal sucks. Not only do you have the psycho want of the drug but your body gets really pissed off at you. The first thing I noticed was that I had to poo almost constantly. Every twenty minutes or so and I use the term "poo" very loosely. After about twelve hours of constant pooing I would throw up a few times for good measure and then started the cold sweats and shakes. Many addicts in withdrawal experience restless leg syndrome when your legs will move on their own but that didn't really happen to me. I also don't understand what the big deal is about withdrawal, I mean it does really, really suck the first few times you go thru it but you sorta get used to it after awhile.
One thing I should point out is that two days is not nearly enough time to clear your body of heroin. For me it would take four to five days and I found that the third and fourth days are the worst because your body is plenty salty at you and you have not slept for a few days. Well, not at least a good beddie bye. People wonder why I took a drug that had such awful effects when you stop taking it and I don't really know what to tell them. Ya, it made me feel great but not nearly good enough to warrant the expense and sickness that follows you around. Another thing I want to point out is that opiates totally fuck up your bowels and your poo schedule is totally out the window. Other than not puking every couple of days my poo schedule is one of the best physical things about sobriety. Sorry to get graphic but thats something that totally needed pointing out in my opinion.
Do I miss heroin ? Yes and no, I missed the early years of my use when I could control it and it still made me feel great. I don't miss the people I had to deal with thats for certain and I don't miss being poor because I spent all my dough on dope. I most certainly don't miss the physical parts of opiate dependence and skipped over many of the details that I encountered while being addicted to the stuff. Heroin is a very selfish drug, I didn't share it, didn't tell anyone I was doing it and was very sneaky about the whole affair. I don't think it was shame as much as I was just focused on getting high and if you couldn't help me get some good smack then I wasn't going to talk to you about my drug use. I guess that last bit doesn't make any sense but my fingers are tired and I need to go do the shit they pay me to do.
I have heard many stories in AA and other recovery groups about the reasons behind their dependence. Childhood abuse, depression, anxiety, and fear are the major ones and I have spent the better part of the last year trying to figure out what made me do what I did. Until I had a physical dependence on alcohol and opiates I just enjoyed an altered state. Going to the museum ? Lets get high and have a few pops, it will be better that way ! I had an awesome childhood, am not very anxious, and was only depressed when I couldn't think of living life without something in my system. I have taken just about every drug available on the black market with the exception of pcp and Special K and I never found god or myself when I was on substances. Have I used chemicals to deal with stress ? Most certainly but everything about my use was based on the ideal of better living thru chemistry. I am a pretty happy person normally and it takes a hell of a lot to get me down. I enjoyed getting high till it stopped working and being fun which was the last year and a half of my use.
I got into heroin after the pain meds from my knee surgery went out. I had done h in the past but not really on a daily use schedule. I would use it over the weekend and occasionally during a concert mid week but it wasn't till I had gotten used to taking opiates daily for months that I really made the decision to become a daily user. I knew exactly where this was going to take me, perhaps I didn't know about some of the physical withdrawal symptoms but I knew that this drug would take all my money and happiness and that the only way to stop would be detox, jail, or death. For a few years the drug worked and I kicked ass at work and was generally pretty happy. Then I started having problems keeping up with the amount that I snorted everyday and I couldn't afford to get the shit all the times. This is when the lost weekends started, I would have enough h to last me the work week and then I would go to my folks house in Topsfield and kick for the weekend.
By kick I don't mean kicking a soccer ball. By kick I mean punishing myself for two days by not doing heroin and drinking large volumes of vodka instead. I would place myself in an haze of booze to combat the withdrawal symptoms of the h. Withdrawal sucks. Not only do you have the psycho want of the drug but your body gets really pissed off at you. The first thing I noticed was that I had to poo almost constantly. Every twenty minutes or so and I use the term "poo" very loosely. After about twelve hours of constant pooing I would throw up a few times for good measure and then started the cold sweats and shakes. Many addicts in withdrawal experience restless leg syndrome when your legs will move on their own but that didn't really happen to me. I also don't understand what the big deal is about withdrawal, I mean it does really, really suck the first few times you go thru it but you sorta get used to it after awhile.
One thing I should point out is that two days is not nearly enough time to clear your body of heroin. For me it would take four to five days and I found that the third and fourth days are the worst because your body is plenty salty at you and you have not slept for a few days. Well, not at least a good beddie bye. People wonder why I took a drug that had such awful effects when you stop taking it and I don't really know what to tell them. Ya, it made me feel great but not nearly good enough to warrant the expense and sickness that follows you around. Another thing I want to point out is that opiates totally fuck up your bowels and your poo schedule is totally out the window. Other than not puking every couple of days my poo schedule is one of the best physical things about sobriety. Sorry to get graphic but thats something that totally needed pointing out in my opinion.
Do I miss heroin ? Yes and no, I missed the early years of my use when I could control it and it still made me feel great. I don't miss the people I had to deal with thats for certain and I don't miss being poor because I spent all my dough on dope. I most certainly don't miss the physical parts of opiate dependence and skipped over many of the details that I encountered while being addicted to the stuff. Heroin is a very selfish drug, I didn't share it, didn't tell anyone I was doing it and was very sneaky about the whole affair. I don't think it was shame as much as I was just focused on getting high and if you couldn't help me get some good smack then I wasn't going to talk to you about my drug use. I guess that last bit doesn't make any sense but my fingers are tired and I need to go do the shit they pay me to do.
20100112
Portsmouth Rhode Island Summer Part Two
Today is Tuesday January Twelfth Two Thousand Ten. Four more working days till I leave and three more cold walks to the Alewife T-station. A friend of mine told me yesterday that it was good that I was doing something for myself and that not that many people do that sort of thing. Actually, she said it a bit more eloquently than that and she seems like a smart cookie. I have to comment on the speaker at my AA mtg last nite. He celebrated a year of sobriety and is quite a character. He is also a lifetime criminal who is looking at two years in prison if he gets convicted on his latest case. He was very emotional and then had his daughter there to present his medallion. It was pretty over the top emotional but it was his nite to do that. He has come a long way and seems to be doing really well even with a prison term hanging over his head. He comes from such a completely different background than I do and it was difficult to hear his story at times.
So, back to Rhody. The night that my roommate came home with his tooth in a cup the other roommate watched the strangest fifteen minutes of television ever. First of all the program was on a channel that did not exist previously in the broadcast range. We tried to tune the channel in the next day and many following days but was not able to find it again. The program was about a guy who spent his entire life in his car; going to drive thru's for food & a carwash for his shower. All sorts of weird shit happened during the program but it ended with the car running out of gas and the guy dying. My roommate and I both remembered the same program with all of the details and could never find either it or the channel again. We were on LSD but unless we had some sort of dual mind meld hallucination it must have happened.
One night we went out to see some friends of mine and drink a shit ton of rum before the movies. Four or five of us sat around a few bottles and drank them. Everyone seemed good to go and then we went to the movies, either a Freddie or Jason movie. The place was packed so we couldn't all sit together and this turned out to be a very good thing. About ten minutes into the movie we heard some coughing and gurgling and then the sound of someone throwing up. The toothless wonder had thrown up not only all over himself but also on four to five of the people sitting directly in front of him. As people were screaming, TTW ran out of the theatre throwing up along the way. My other roommate and I slinked down in our seats and pretended not to know TTW. Remember, we were drinking rum and thats all we could smell so we ditched the movie about an hour into it. When we arrived at our cars TTW was nowhere to be found till after about twenty minutes of searching we hear some moaning coming from the back of a pickup. There he was in all of his vomit glory dry heaving in the back of some person's truck. We dragged him to our car and hightailed it out of there.
One of the challenges of living on your own and partying every day is managing your money. We all had jobs, I will write about those later but after rent, booze, and pot we didn't have much left for food. Our first stop every day was to the 7-Eleven to get a $.99 hot dog with all the fixin's. I think we ate those fucking things every day for three weeks and I have not had another one since that summer. Our next choice for nourishment was a all you can eat buffet that had lunch for $4.99. We would frequently get thrown out of there after eating for three to four hours and the same thing happened at the Wendy's Super Bar. Our last route for grub was to walk into a supermarket wearing cargo pants and we would stuff them full of meats. I will never forget the time the toothless wonder stole hot dogs and ramen while we were copping steaks and stouffers. We never got caught and many nights we dined on steaks for gratis.
One roommate and I found work at the Ark restaurant and the fools there hired us to run the pub kitchen. We did a great job but after ten straight days of work we looked at each other and asked why the fuck were we in Newport, Rhode Island and stuck in a kitchen for twelve hours a day. We quit the Ark and got jobs as deckhands for Viking Tours. The job didn't pay much but then we didn't have to do much either. We were also able to steal bottles of booze and blame it on the alcoholic bartender (now there is an amends I need to make). The highlight of our day came when the Viking Princess would dock at Hammersmith Farm and the toothless wonder would try and tie the boat up. No matter how many times we would dock he would fuck it up and the captain would rip in him not knowing he was our roommate. He had a pretty plumb job as well; tying up the boat and driving tourists back and forth from the farm to the docks.
Mike is still a good friend if mine even tho I made it hard for him to like me. I have known him since seventh grade and got to be in his wedding. He is married to a total babe who is smarter than I am and they have a two year old. Mike has done well for himself and his family in Atlanta and they may someday move to northern California. I speak to him every few months and always wish him the best. The other roommate I have not spoken to in six years or so and I don't plan to anytime soon. There are some issues between us that will never be resolved and perhaps I will write about them sometime but not today. I learned so much that summer and not all of it bad. I will never forget a picture of me on my eighteenth birthday, I am about twenty pounds underweight, brown, and have a look of nothing on my face. A week or so after that I would get my first job in technology that is responsible for my career today. After that summer I was ready to work for a year and then go to college, possibly in Florida but those are tales for another time.
So, back to Rhody. The night that my roommate came home with his tooth in a cup the other roommate watched the strangest fifteen minutes of television ever. First of all the program was on a channel that did not exist previously in the broadcast range. We tried to tune the channel in the next day and many following days but was not able to find it again. The program was about a guy who spent his entire life in his car; going to drive thru's for food & a carwash for his shower. All sorts of weird shit happened during the program but it ended with the car running out of gas and the guy dying. My roommate and I both remembered the same program with all of the details and could never find either it or the channel again. We were on LSD but unless we had some sort of dual mind meld hallucination it must have happened.
One night we went out to see some friends of mine and drink a shit ton of rum before the movies. Four or five of us sat around a few bottles and drank them. Everyone seemed good to go and then we went to the movies, either a Freddie or Jason movie. The place was packed so we couldn't all sit together and this turned out to be a very good thing. About ten minutes into the movie we heard some coughing and gurgling and then the sound of someone throwing up. The toothless wonder had thrown up not only all over himself but also on four to five of the people sitting directly in front of him. As people were screaming, TTW ran out of the theatre throwing up along the way. My other roommate and I slinked down in our seats and pretended not to know TTW. Remember, we were drinking rum and thats all we could smell so we ditched the movie about an hour into it. When we arrived at our cars TTW was nowhere to be found till after about twenty minutes of searching we hear some moaning coming from the back of a pickup. There he was in all of his vomit glory dry heaving in the back of some person's truck. We dragged him to our car and hightailed it out of there.
One of the challenges of living on your own and partying every day is managing your money. We all had jobs, I will write about those later but after rent, booze, and pot we didn't have much left for food. Our first stop every day was to the 7-Eleven to get a $.99 hot dog with all the fixin's. I think we ate those fucking things every day for three weeks and I have not had another one since that summer. Our next choice for nourishment was a all you can eat buffet that had lunch for $4.99. We would frequently get thrown out of there after eating for three to four hours and the same thing happened at the Wendy's Super Bar. Our last route for grub was to walk into a supermarket wearing cargo pants and we would stuff them full of meats. I will never forget the time the toothless wonder stole hot dogs and ramen while we were copping steaks and stouffers. We never got caught and many nights we dined on steaks for gratis.
One roommate and I found work at the Ark restaurant and the fools there hired us to run the pub kitchen. We did a great job but after ten straight days of work we looked at each other and asked why the fuck were we in Newport, Rhode Island and stuck in a kitchen for twelve hours a day. We quit the Ark and got jobs as deckhands for Viking Tours. The job didn't pay much but then we didn't have to do much either. We were also able to steal bottles of booze and blame it on the alcoholic bartender (now there is an amends I need to make). The highlight of our day came when the Viking Princess would dock at Hammersmith Farm and the toothless wonder would try and tie the boat up. No matter how many times we would dock he would fuck it up and the captain would rip in him not knowing he was our roommate. He had a pretty plumb job as well; tying up the boat and driving tourists back and forth from the farm to the docks.
Mike is still a good friend if mine even tho I made it hard for him to like me. I have known him since seventh grade and got to be in his wedding. He is married to a total babe who is smarter than I am and they have a two year old. Mike has done well for himself and his family in Atlanta and they may someday move to northern California. I speak to him every few months and always wish him the best. The other roommate I have not spoken to in six years or so and I don't plan to anytime soon. There are some issues between us that will never be resolved and perhaps I will write about them sometime but not today. I learned so much that summer and not all of it bad. I will never forget a picture of me on my eighteenth birthday, I am about twenty pounds underweight, brown, and have a look of nothing on my face. A week or so after that I would get my first job in technology that is responsible for my career today. After that summer I was ready to work for a year and then go to college, possibly in Florida but those are tales for another time.
20100111
Portsmouth Rhode Island Summer Part One
Today is Monday January Eleventh Two Thousand Ten. I really want to smoke for some reason this morning so I have been gobbling up nico candies left and right in order to combat the cravings. Its just that I miss smoking so much even tho I can feel the diffy when I do cardio already. I know if I just grey knuckle it (not white cause of the nico candies) a few more weeks I will right as rain. I will still miss smoking like I miss my first dog but thats the way it is. I had a fantastic weekend in the Tops with my folks and spent some much needed relaxation time. Watched a few movies, ate food, worked out, hung with the parental units, and read. Good times, I like how a mellow weekend is good for me these days. I am looking forward to the AA meeting tonight, always plenty of eye candy and recovery !
So after I sorta graduated from Tabor I lived on a fifty foot sailboat for about six weeks at the Goat Island marina. I had been hired by an elderly couple to be a bn for the summer. It didn't work out for a variety of reasons, much of them mine and much of just the downright bizarre behavior of the owners. I think they were super religious and thought I was a heathen or something. I walked off the boat and went back to Topsfield to take advantage of an empty house. My brother thought the same thing and was surprised to find me at home relaxing with a beer. I didn't get along with my brother very well at that point but he promised that he would stay mum about my employment situation. Here I was almost eighteen and had ten weeks of summer without parental input or supervision. Sounds like an awesome idea.
I spent the first two weeks living at a friend's house in Salem whose parents were very cool, I had done bong hits with his mother that previous christmas. I picked up some kitchen shifts at In A Pig's Eye which served as an alcohol and pot distribution point as well as a payday. We also got jobs working for ESPN who was covering the LPGA that was happening at the Frencorft golf course in Peabody, Ma. We first ran cables all over the course and set up various television doodads. Once the tourney was underway it was my job to point a shotgun mike at the ball when it hit the fairway. Not much to it and I got to hang out in the sun completely stoned about five miles from my folks house without them knowing it. I remember one day I was so hungover from drinking after a kitchen shift I fell asleep and one of the asst producers had to go check on me. I told him I was suffering from sun stroke so I spent the rest of the day in the shade drinking Gatoraide and smirking at my friends.
Once the ESPN gig was over myself and two other friends had to game plan for the rest of the summer. We decided that the north shore just wasn't going to do it for us so we decided to move to Newport, Rhode Island for the rest of the summer and thus began one of the best summers in my life. What kind of trouble could three teenage boys living on their own for the first time in their life get into ? Well, we never got arrested but should have and it was a life changing time for all three of us. We partied harder than ever before all while holding down jobs, going to the beach, and seeing lots of live music. We secured a eight week lease in a one bedroom apartment above a funeral home in a town just north of Newport called Portsmith, Rhode Island. We had many visitors over the summer and had the time of our lives although many memories are pretty hazy I will attempt to remember what I can.
So, we scored a pad in Portmouth, Rhode Island right off rte 114 which is the main road to Newport. Thankfully it either wasn't a busy time in the death business or the funeral home its self wasn't busy in fact they only had one funeral the entire time we were there and it was the day before we moved out. We didn't have any furniture or other decorations so we made do with what we could scavenge or steal. We broke into the funeral home by riding the casket elevator from the embalming room into the the main area. One there we stole anything the looked cool and two items come to mind. One was a gold crucifix and the other were some US casket flags. Yeah, I am going to hell but we did make sure that the stuff we made off with was stored somewhere that wouldn't be checked on till we were long gone. I spray painted the crucifix day glo orange and hung it on our wall in the living room. Jebus was about sixteen inches long from toe to crown so you could see it from the road. Def got some odd looks and comments from our friends about him.
There was a abandoned car the back parking lot of the funeral home that we decided would be the home of all our empty beer cans. The empty liquor bottles were stored on top of the fridge for some reason. We pretty much filled the entire car with empties by the end of the year and I know I puked in it at least twice. As we were moving out our landlord noticed the car and blamed the neighborhood kids. One day a car overheated on rte 114 and pulled into our driveway. The driver asked if he could get some water for the radiator and since he didn't have a container for the water we filled up a dozen or so plastic half gallon booze bottles and gave him those. The look on his face was priceless, esp when he came into our pad to use the can and he noticed the crucifix on the wall.
The three of us would make nightly jaunts into Newport to visit some of my friends from Tabor and to get rip roaring drunk. For the first ten days or so myself and a roommate worked in the same kitchen and we used to go to the liquor store during the lunch/dinner break while wearing chef's whites so the would sell to us. Another fun activity was to go to Provi and see Max Creek every wednesday nite. At the time they would play the Living Room and there was a shakedown street in the parking lot. You could pretty much get your hands on just about anything you wanted and we made sure to stock up for the week ahead. Many, many times I have driven from Provi to Portsmouth while tripping on acid. They have really cool lights in the tunnels heading out of town. One night we blew off our other roommate for some reason and when we returned in the wee hours of the morning he wasn't home. He came in a bit later with his tooth in a cup. Evidently he had tried to stop a fight and had his tooth knocked out for it. Well, thats it for now and I will write about this again tomorrow. Good memories are surfacing.
So after I sorta graduated from Tabor I lived on a fifty foot sailboat for about six weeks at the Goat Island marina. I had been hired by an elderly couple to be a bn for the summer. It didn't work out for a variety of reasons, much of them mine and much of just the downright bizarre behavior of the owners. I think they were super religious and thought I was a heathen or something. I walked off the boat and went back to Topsfield to take advantage of an empty house. My brother thought the same thing and was surprised to find me at home relaxing with a beer. I didn't get along with my brother very well at that point but he promised that he would stay mum about my employment situation. Here I was almost eighteen and had ten weeks of summer without parental input or supervision. Sounds like an awesome idea.
I spent the first two weeks living at a friend's house in Salem whose parents were very cool, I had done bong hits with his mother that previous christmas. I picked up some kitchen shifts at In A Pig's Eye which served as an alcohol and pot distribution point as well as a payday. We also got jobs working for ESPN who was covering the LPGA that was happening at the Frencorft golf course in Peabody, Ma. We first ran cables all over the course and set up various television doodads. Once the tourney was underway it was my job to point a shotgun mike at the ball when it hit the fairway. Not much to it and I got to hang out in the sun completely stoned about five miles from my folks house without them knowing it. I remember one day I was so hungover from drinking after a kitchen shift I fell asleep and one of the asst producers had to go check on me. I told him I was suffering from sun stroke so I spent the rest of the day in the shade drinking Gatoraide and smirking at my friends.
Once the ESPN gig was over myself and two other friends had to game plan for the rest of the summer. We decided that the north shore just wasn't going to do it for us so we decided to move to Newport, Rhode Island for the rest of the summer and thus began one of the best summers in my life. What kind of trouble could three teenage boys living on their own for the first time in their life get into ? Well, we never got arrested but should have and it was a life changing time for all three of us. We partied harder than ever before all while holding down jobs, going to the beach, and seeing lots of live music. We secured a eight week lease in a one bedroom apartment above a funeral home in a town just north of Newport called Portsmith, Rhode Island. We had many visitors over the summer and had the time of our lives although many memories are pretty hazy I will attempt to remember what I can.
So, we scored a pad in Portmouth, Rhode Island right off rte 114 which is the main road to Newport. Thankfully it either wasn't a busy time in the death business or the funeral home its self wasn't busy in fact they only had one funeral the entire time we were there and it was the day before we moved out. We didn't have any furniture or other decorations so we made do with what we could scavenge or steal. We broke into the funeral home by riding the casket elevator from the embalming room into the the main area. One there we stole anything the looked cool and two items come to mind. One was a gold crucifix and the other were some US casket flags. Yeah, I am going to hell but we did make sure that the stuff we made off with was stored somewhere that wouldn't be checked on till we were long gone. I spray painted the crucifix day glo orange and hung it on our wall in the living room. Jebus was about sixteen inches long from toe to crown so you could see it from the road. Def got some odd looks and comments from our friends about him.
There was a abandoned car the back parking lot of the funeral home that we decided would be the home of all our empty beer cans. The empty liquor bottles were stored on top of the fridge for some reason. We pretty much filled the entire car with empties by the end of the year and I know I puked in it at least twice. As we were moving out our landlord noticed the car and blamed the neighborhood kids. One day a car overheated on rte 114 and pulled into our driveway. The driver asked if he could get some water for the radiator and since he didn't have a container for the water we filled up a dozen or so plastic half gallon booze bottles and gave him those. The look on his face was priceless, esp when he came into our pad to use the can and he noticed the crucifix on the wall.
The three of us would make nightly jaunts into Newport to visit some of my friends from Tabor and to get rip roaring drunk. For the first ten days or so myself and a roommate worked in the same kitchen and we used to go to the liquor store during the lunch/dinner break while wearing chef's whites so the would sell to us. Another fun activity was to go to Provi and see Max Creek every wednesday nite. At the time they would play the Living Room and there was a shakedown street in the parking lot. You could pretty much get your hands on just about anything you wanted and we made sure to stock up for the week ahead. Many, many times I have driven from Provi to Portsmouth while tripping on acid. They have really cool lights in the tunnels heading out of town. One night we blew off our other roommate for some reason and when we returned in the wee hours of the morning he wasn't home. He came in a bit later with his tooth in a cup. Evidently he had tried to stop a fight and had his tooth knocked out for it. Well, thats it for now and I will write about this again tomorrow. Good memories are surfacing.
20100110
"The Road", Supporters, & Boston Sports Teams
Today is Sunday January Tenth Two Thousand Ten. A day of rest, at least thats what I've been told for the most of my life. For me Sunday is another day to keep on living and to do the same things I did in the days previous to stay sober. Its nice to knock around and relax, I took care of the gym this morning. Cardio only today and I find that the thirty minutes I have worked my way up to are getting easier to do as time passes. I think I can def notice a difference between pre and post smoking and I think its time to increase the level up by one or two.
Just finished watching "The Road" on my computer. Its based on John Mcormack's book of the same name and the script pretty much followed the book with some differences to make it into a movie. I think Charlize Theron is super hot and even tho she had a supporting role she put in a fine performance. What was amazing is the kid they got to play the boy looks very similar to Theron, he could be her son in fact and since thats what he is in the movie it works very well. Its a pretty bummer movie and book, I can sum it up thusly: Dad & Mom live thru the end of the world, Mom pops out Jr, mom kills herself, Dad and son take off on the road, they find all sorts of weird and demonic shit, Dad dies, Son finds .... Didn't want to totally ruin the ending. All in all a good flick although I watched the screening version so parts of it were left out. Good thing I read the book, no ?
I am very lucky to have the friends and family that I have. Everyone who is close to me has been very supportive but a few in particular have been my very own cheerleaders. My mom and dad of course, they have always been supportive if not a little enabling during my active years but they didn't know it. They would take me at my word and thru my lies I made the picture very rosy as if life was just fine. It has been such a relief to be honest with them and not to make up stories all the time to cover up what I was really doing. I have said many times and in many meetings that one of the biggest rewards of my sobriety is my desire and ability to be honest. When I am using I will lie about every little thing, so much in fact that I have to write the lies down so I won't forget. Another supporter has been a guy who Ihave lunch with almost every day at work, Fred. Fred is someone I aspire to be when I get older. He is very active and still loves life and women. If I can have even half of the pep when I am his age I will be a happy man. The Edster, my sponsor of course has been great, always relating to my challenges and victories as if they were his own. He really adds a personal touch to my recovery because I know that he has been when I have and has felt what I am feeling. Our stories are much different but the feeling are very much the same.
I can't wait till March when I go to Texas to visit my brother Chris, my sister in law Holley, and the two little terrorists Clay and Spensely. Not only am I psyched to see family but I am interested in checking out the great state of Texas. I have all these preconceived notions about what Texas is all about and I am interested to see what the state is really like. Of course there is the BBQ but I am also interested in checking out the culture of Dallas and Austin. Some folks might laugh when I talk about the culture of Dallas, TX but I am sure there is some if you just open your eyes. Hell, there is culture in Florida if you are aware. I am also interested in spending some time with my nephews, hopefully I can nephew sit them so Chris and Holley can spend a nite out. I really enjoy interacting with those two boys and its interesting seeing my brother in them and even a little of me. I hope to be that cool uncle that they can trust and want to hang out with. I never really got to know my uncle all that well but I could sense that he loved me just as much as he loved my cousin Mark. My aunt and pop's sister has the emotional range of a gnat but she has come a long way since my uncle passed away. I think she even told me that she loved me once.
I hope the Patriots win today, its the first round of the playoffs and it one and done at this point. I am not too concerned if they don't win another super bowl, I realize thats heresy around these parts but thats how I feel. The first time they won was magical, I lived and died with each game. The second and third times were just icing on the cake in my opinion. Do I want them to win ? I course I do, its just not as important as it used to be. In the last decade the Sox won twice, the C's once and the Patriots three times. That was awesome, now its time for my beloved B's to get their acts together and at least make a good run to the playoffs. They just picked up a guy with the last name of Satan and I must get a tshirt with that name on it. What a name for a hockey player.
Just finished watching "The Road" on my computer. Its based on John Mcormack's book of the same name and the script pretty much followed the book with some differences to make it into a movie. I think Charlize Theron is super hot and even tho she had a supporting role she put in a fine performance. What was amazing is the kid they got to play the boy looks very similar to Theron, he could be her son in fact and since thats what he is in the movie it works very well. Its a pretty bummer movie and book, I can sum it up thusly: Dad & Mom live thru the end of the world, Mom pops out Jr, mom kills herself, Dad and son take off on the road, they find all sorts of weird and demonic shit, Dad dies, Son finds .... Didn't want to totally ruin the ending. All in all a good flick although I watched the screening version so parts of it were left out. Good thing I read the book, no ?
I am very lucky to have the friends and family that I have. Everyone who is close to me has been very supportive but a few in particular have been my very own cheerleaders. My mom and dad of course, they have always been supportive if not a little enabling during my active years but they didn't know it. They would take me at my word and thru my lies I made the picture very rosy as if life was just fine. It has been such a relief to be honest with them and not to make up stories all the time to cover up what I was really doing. I have said many times and in many meetings that one of the biggest rewards of my sobriety is my desire and ability to be honest. When I am using I will lie about every little thing, so much in fact that I have to write the lies down so I won't forget. Another supporter has been a guy who Ihave lunch with almost every day at work, Fred. Fred is someone I aspire to be when I get older. He is very active and still loves life and women. If I can have even half of the pep when I am his age I will be a happy man. The Edster, my sponsor of course has been great, always relating to my challenges and victories as if they were his own. He really adds a personal touch to my recovery because I know that he has been when I have and has felt what I am feeling. Our stories are much different but the feeling are very much the same.
I can't wait till March when I go to Texas to visit my brother Chris, my sister in law Holley, and the two little terrorists Clay and Spensely. Not only am I psyched to see family but I am interested in checking out the great state of Texas. I have all these preconceived notions about what Texas is all about and I am interested to see what the state is really like. Of course there is the BBQ but I am also interested in checking out the culture of Dallas and Austin. Some folks might laugh when I talk about the culture of Dallas, TX but I am sure there is some if you just open your eyes. Hell, there is culture in Florida if you are aware. I am also interested in spending some time with my nephews, hopefully I can nephew sit them so Chris and Holley can spend a nite out. I really enjoy interacting with those two boys and its interesting seeing my brother in them and even a little of me. I hope to be that cool uncle that they can trust and want to hang out with. I never really got to know my uncle all that well but I could sense that he loved me just as much as he loved my cousin Mark. My aunt and pop's sister has the emotional range of a gnat but she has come a long way since my uncle passed away. I think she even told me that she loved me once.
I hope the Patriots win today, its the first round of the playoffs and it one and done at this point. I am not too concerned if they don't win another super bowl, I realize thats heresy around these parts but thats how I feel. The first time they won was magical, I lived and died with each game. The second and third times were just icing on the cake in my opinion. Do I want them to win ? I course I do, its just not as important as it used to be. In the last decade the Sox won twice, the C's once and the Patriots three times. That was awesome, now its time for my beloved B's to get their acts together and at least make a good run to the playoffs. They just picked up a guy with the last name of Satan and I must get a tshirt with that name on it. What a name for a hockey player.
20100109
Weekend With My Folks & Role Models
Today is Saturday January Ninth Two Thousand Ten. I am spending the weekend in what I call god's country or the north shore of Massachusetts. Specifically Topsfield where I grew up. I enjoy getting the hell out of dodge every once in a while and my folks are really cool about letting me crash at their house. This weekend however, they are here so we are going to spend the time together. What is amazing is that if I was using I would have planned an entire weekend getting bombed in front of the television and I would have been pissed if my folks were at their house when I wanted to be there alone. Selfishness and addiction go hand in hand. I went to the gym with my mom this morning and later we are going to go check out the boxter she got him for his birthday.
My mom said that I was a role model this morning. Boy have I come a long way, previously I was a role mode for addiction now I am a role model for recovery. I am amazed how continued effort can pay off and make you want to do more. I guess for most normal people this is obvious but when you are addicted to drugs and alcohol you are generally self centered and don't see too much further than beyond the nose on your face. Sobriety hasn't been easy but it has not be impossible either. The AA folks say that every day you are closer to your next drink but I don't agree with that. Every day I am sober proves to me that continued sobriety is a good idea and that without it I am not prepared to live or love a rewarding life.
A good example of this is this trip I am taking to PR. I would never have been able to get the resources together to pull this off last year and I would have rather rented a hotel room somewhere and gotten smashed and high for three days. Instead of doing that I am traveling to an island in the carribean, checking out the local talent, and absorbing the local culture. Just the timing of it amazes me, the fact that I can pull off all the logistics in just ten days and be down there before I have even had time to think about it is awesome. I will most certainly be checking out some AA meetings when I am there and its always interesting to check out how other groups work their recovery. You also never know who you are going to run into and what sort of resources you will find at a meeting. I am not saying that I plan to look for a job in PR but it would be outstanding to live and work someplace where it is eighty degrees everyday and people want to come and visit you.
I find myself thinking more and more about by former best friend and I don't think that our friendship will ever be where it was before. While much of it was based on using, I always thought there were other parts that surpassed that part of the equation. I am more than willing to make an effort but not if it gets in the way or jeopardizes my sobriety. Its just that I miss getting his perspective on things and his general good humor. It is still an open wound for me and one that won't be healing anytime soon. Boo !
My mom said that I was a role model this morning. Boy have I come a long way, previously I was a role mode for addiction now I am a role model for recovery. I am amazed how continued effort can pay off and make you want to do more. I guess for most normal people this is obvious but when you are addicted to drugs and alcohol you are generally self centered and don't see too much further than beyond the nose on your face. Sobriety hasn't been easy but it has not be impossible either. The AA folks say that every day you are closer to your next drink but I don't agree with that. Every day I am sober proves to me that continued sobriety is a good idea and that without it I am not prepared to live or love a rewarding life.
A good example of this is this trip I am taking to PR. I would never have been able to get the resources together to pull this off last year and I would have rather rented a hotel room somewhere and gotten smashed and high for three days. Instead of doing that I am traveling to an island in the carribean, checking out the local talent, and absorbing the local culture. Just the timing of it amazes me, the fact that I can pull off all the logistics in just ten days and be down there before I have even had time to think about it is awesome. I will most certainly be checking out some AA meetings when I am there and its always interesting to check out how other groups work their recovery. You also never know who you are going to run into and what sort of resources you will find at a meeting. I am not saying that I plan to look for a job in PR but it would be outstanding to live and work someplace where it is eighty degrees everyday and people want to come and visit you.
I find myself thinking more and more about by former best friend and I don't think that our friendship will ever be where it was before. While much of it was based on using, I always thought there were other parts that surpassed that part of the equation. I am more than willing to make an effort but not if it gets in the way or jeopardizes my sobriety. Its just that I miss getting his perspective on things and his general good humor. It is still an open wound for me and one that won't be healing anytime soon. Boo !
20100108
Puerto Rico, Kindle, & Starting An AA Meeting
Today is Friday January Eighth Two Thousand Ten and woo fucking woo ! Its a woo fucking woo day for a variety of reasons. The first is that it is a friday and I dont have to work tomorrow. The second is that I booked tickets to San Juan Puerto Rico for next weekend and thats going to be awesome. I am hopefully going to stay in an apartment thats connected to a bigger house. I made the request thru this website that places people like me with people who have vaca rentals available. The last it their appears to be an extra six hundred dollars in my checking account. I got paid today and it appears that the payroll dept counted both xmas eve and NYE as holidays and paid me 1.75 times what they normally do for that period. I am sure that it is a mistake and they will figure out how to screw me out of the extra money but having the extra cash in my account a week before I go on vaca is awesome.
One thing I really want to do in PR is to go fishing. I was checking out the boats that have websites and its about three hundred for a half day and seven hundred for a full day. I want to spend something like two hundred and five hundred so I am going to walk down to the docks on Sat or Sun morning and see what sort of deal I can wheedle for Monday. As it stands I plan to hang out on the beach, check out museums, see some music, and go to at least a four star resturant for din-din one night. I really hate eating out alone but if I am paying a hundred bucks for dinner, what the hell. The rest of the time I plan to cook in the apartment kitchen. I am really excited about the spontaneity of this trip and the fact that the airfare to San Juan is nonstop and about two hundred fifty dollars. So for airfare and three days lodging I am looking at about five bills. Not too shabby.
So I have finally decided that my Kindle is the single most important piece of electronics that I own and might be the most important thing I own. Reading is super important to me, I always have a book with me and I enjoy reading more than almost any other activity. My kindle will allow me to download over a thousand books which I will own forever or at least for as long as my kindle lives. I just finished the first Kindle book I downloaded, SK's "Under the Dome: A Novel" and it was awesome. A totally throwback from his "The Stand" days and I really enjoyed every page I read. Some of King's books can be a bit wordy and you can skip over paragraphs but that wasn't the case with Dome. It was as if the pedal was to the medal for the entire book and he left several easter eggs for readers to find. The first one was the character Jack Reacher from Lee Child's series and the second was a "God of his own choosing" which is a total AA reference if I have ever read one. I know that SK had a major depenency problem with alcohol and painkillers so it doesn't surprise me one itty bitty that is was in there. I dl'd the new Jack Reacher novel and SK's "The Cell" which I have wanted to read for some time.
The say in AA that if you want to confuse a member of AA then ask questions pertaining to the Big Book or something of that nature. The BB is an interesting text although it is dated at times it really has some good things to say and it shows you that alcoholism transcends time, races, sexes, and geographical locations. I was able to dl a copy of the BB onto my kindle for ninety-nine cents and while I already own a copy I did this for several reasons. The first is that it was only a buck and why the fuck not, the second is that I will always have my kindle with me so I may read the text more than I have in the past, and the third is the ability to bookmark and make notes in the text on the kindle. I think this will be very helpful when I try and start my own tuesday night meeting this spring and will need source material for discussion.
I decided last fall that I was going to start my own meeting on Tuesday nights in Cambridge starting at seven thirty. There is a need for a good meeting on tues nites because the only other offering is a freaky atheist meeting which I will never attend again. I have been thinking about the format and since I like reading so much I was going to present the idea of a AA texts discussion meeting as well as a speaker discussion. My idea is to ask someone right before the meeting to speak and if that doesn't happen then we will read something in one of the AA texts and then talk about it. I realize that not everyone will have all the texts but we can just pass the book from one person to another. I enjoy participating in meetings and I think there is a def need for another tues nite meeting. My only problem at this time of writing is where the hell I am going to hold it. I am going to start going to various churches and also find out what folks pay for rent. I think the Harvard Divinity school would be a good place but some people say that it is too far out if the way. I am going to ask the First Parish Church as well as the church where we have our mon nite meetings. If the meeting fails to pick up steam and become permanent then I will learn from what I did wrong and try again.
Going up to the north shore this weekend to vacate my presence from 74 Amsden street because Jamie is having a friend and her three year old kid visiting. What a fucking bizarre time to visit and to tote yer child along to someone's house that isn't baby proof is also strange in my opinion. Jamie is from the northern west coast and apparently they do thigs different there. She does not have a drivers lisc, not due to health reasons but because she just never wanted one. I do not understand that reasoning. I can maybe see if you grew up in NYC or even Boston but she grew up in rural Washington State where for most of the kids getting your drivers lisc must have been both a rite of passage and a freedom. Dunno, differenct strokes for different folks.
One thing I really want to do in PR is to go fishing. I was checking out the boats that have websites and its about three hundred for a half day and seven hundred for a full day. I want to spend something like two hundred and five hundred so I am going to walk down to the docks on Sat or Sun morning and see what sort of deal I can wheedle for Monday. As it stands I plan to hang out on the beach, check out museums, see some music, and go to at least a four star resturant for din-din one night. I really hate eating out alone but if I am paying a hundred bucks for dinner, what the hell. The rest of the time I plan to cook in the apartment kitchen. I am really excited about the spontaneity of this trip and the fact that the airfare to San Juan is nonstop and about two hundred fifty dollars. So for airfare and three days lodging I am looking at about five bills. Not too shabby.
So I have finally decided that my Kindle is the single most important piece of electronics that I own and might be the most important thing I own. Reading is super important to me, I always have a book with me and I enjoy reading more than almost any other activity. My kindle will allow me to download over a thousand books which I will own forever or at least for as long as my kindle lives. I just finished the first Kindle book I downloaded, SK's "Under the Dome: A Novel" and it was awesome. A totally throwback from his "The Stand" days and I really enjoyed every page I read. Some of King's books can be a bit wordy and you can skip over paragraphs but that wasn't the case with Dome. It was as if the pedal was to the medal for the entire book and he left several easter eggs for readers to find. The first one was the character Jack Reacher from Lee Child's series and the second was a "God of his own choosing" which is a total AA reference if I have ever read one. I know that SK had a major depenency problem with alcohol and painkillers so it doesn't surprise me one itty bitty that is was in there. I dl'd the new Jack Reacher novel and SK's "The Cell" which I have wanted to read for some time.
The say in AA that if you want to confuse a member of AA then ask questions pertaining to the Big Book or something of that nature. The BB is an interesting text although it is dated at times it really has some good things to say and it shows you that alcoholism transcends time, races, sexes, and geographical locations. I was able to dl a copy of the BB onto my kindle for ninety-nine cents and while I already own a copy I did this for several reasons. The first is that it was only a buck and why the fuck not, the second is that I will always have my kindle with me so I may read the text more than I have in the past, and the third is the ability to bookmark and make notes in the text on the kindle. I think this will be very helpful when I try and start my own tuesday night meeting this spring and will need source material for discussion.
I decided last fall that I was going to start my own meeting on Tuesday nights in Cambridge starting at seven thirty. There is a need for a good meeting on tues nites because the only other offering is a freaky atheist meeting which I will never attend again. I have been thinking about the format and since I like reading so much I was going to present the idea of a AA texts discussion meeting as well as a speaker discussion. My idea is to ask someone right before the meeting to speak and if that doesn't happen then we will read something in one of the AA texts and then talk about it. I realize that not everyone will have all the texts but we can just pass the book from one person to another. I enjoy participating in meetings and I think there is a def need for another tues nite meeting. My only problem at this time of writing is where the hell I am going to hold it. I am going to start going to various churches and also find out what folks pay for rent. I think the Harvard Divinity school would be a good place but some people say that it is too far out if the way. I am going to ask the First Parish Church as well as the church where we have our mon nite meetings. If the meeting fails to pick up steam and become permanent then I will learn from what I did wrong and try again.
Going up to the north shore this weekend to vacate my presence from 74 Amsden street because Jamie is having a friend and her three year old kid visiting. What a fucking bizarre time to visit and to tote yer child along to someone's house that isn't baby proof is also strange in my opinion. Jamie is from the northern west coast and apparently they do thigs different there. She does not have a drivers lisc, not due to health reasons but because she just never wanted one. I do not understand that reasoning. I can maybe see if you grew up in NYC or even Boston but she grew up in rural Washington State where for most of the kids getting your drivers lisc must have been both a rite of passage and a freedom. Dunno, differenct strokes for different folks.
20100107
PH!SH, Dead, & SRV Part One
Today is Thursday January Seventh Two Thousand Ten. Not much to report in my current life so perhaps I should convey some thoughts of yesteryear. I did go to the Paramount with my folks and had an excellent ahi tuna salad. There was a shit ton of tuna on it and the veggies didn't get in the way too much. Its difficult eating correctly when eating out but I think that restaurants have come a really long way. It still sucks if you are a vegan but vegans are freaks anyway.
Some of the best times that I have ever had in my life were at PH!SH concerts and since I have seen a couple of hundred of them I guess you could say that I have had a couple hundred excellent times. The only thing is that for almost all of them I was on LSD or MDMA with a ton of booze thrown in so many memories of those shows are foggy. A big turning point for me was in the summer of ninety five when I saw three Dead shows in Chicago and then a few days later saw two PH!SH shows in Mansfield followed by two shows at Sugarbush. I remember thinking that PH!SH was really my band and that while I will certainly follow the Dead around I was going to focus on the boys from VT. There is a passion at PH!SH shows that I have not felt in large arenas with the exception of catching a Widespread Panic show in the south. Phans are totally dedicated and know every song, most of the times within the first few bars of the tune. Ninety Five is when my love of PH!SH really took off and since then I have had the chance to see them all over the east coast and in Spain.
The only bummer about ninety five was that in the fall a personal musical hero of mine finally made his deal with his god and passed away. I felt really guilty about it because after all I decided that I liked seeing PH!SH better than the Dead. But the same is not true for the Jerry Garcia Band. I would have always rather seen JGB over pretty much anyone other than Stevie Ray Vaughn but then Jerry had to go and die on me in the fall of ninety five. He was the reason I went to see the Dead and also the reason that due to his declining health I liked PH!SH better. JGB was awesome because there wasn't any Bobby influence and the song selection was amazing. I only got to see JGB twice in comparison to the Dead about a hundred times but the JGB shows were better than all the Dead shows combined. I didn't care what his politics, diet, or drug habits were, Jerry was just an awesome musician who seemed to really care about what he played and the fans.
I mentioned SRV previously and he was one of the best entertainers I have ever seen live. I only got to see him a couple of times but each one stands out in my memory even though it was more then twenty years ago. I was driving home from work on Perkins Row in Topsfield when I heard of his death on BCN and I just about drove off the road. He could play his guitar like no other man alive and had battled poverty and drugs to make a name for himself and provide for his family. He used to drink a quart of whiskey laced with cocaine to get himself out of bed. He was able to clean himself up however. He died like many other rockstars crashing in a helicopter after a show in Alpine Valley. Clapton gave up his seat for SRV. I dunno, I think I would have rather seen Clapton go but both would have been huge losses. Thing is, Clapton had been there and done that while Stevie was in the prime of his life. Some folks don't like his texas blues style but he did pave the way from a bunch of others. I hope to visit some site of SRV interest when I go to TX.
The last time I got to see SRV was at two am show on NYE 1987 at the Ritz in NYC. A bunch of my friends and I got tickets that afternoon for the show and spent the day hanging out and running around NYC. The show had many musical highlights but personal highlights for me included: seeing two hot girls making out at length for the first time, seeing a all night show in NYC, and walking out of a club into daylight at eighteen years old. We had all smuggled in pints of booze to drink during the show but I was so into SRV I didn't even crack the pint. We did however, dispatch them with great haste after everything was over. It was also the first time that I encountered a doorman and found a full crack vial on the street. Very interesting trip indeed.
Things are looking cheery on the xx chromo front as I had a few messages from a certain one yesterday. We made plans to see some music and I can't wait to hang with her. She is really sweet and seems book smart but not all that street smart but thats fine with me. I dunno how she feels about me of course, asking her would be way too easy but its cool that she is thoughtful enough to include me in her plans. I don't think she has a bo-bo, at least she doesn't constantly mention him like some chicks. She is incredibly hot and has a killer smile so hanging out with her is fun. She also seems to totally be into seeing live music which I think is very important for someone to like if she is going to spend any time with me. Live music is very important and a central theme in my life and whomever I trick into dating me will go a long way in enjoying that same scene.
Some of the best times that I have ever had in my life were at PH!SH concerts and since I have seen a couple of hundred of them I guess you could say that I have had a couple hundred excellent times. The only thing is that for almost all of them I was on LSD or MDMA with a ton of booze thrown in so many memories of those shows are foggy. A big turning point for me was in the summer of ninety five when I saw three Dead shows in Chicago and then a few days later saw two PH!SH shows in Mansfield followed by two shows at Sugarbush. I remember thinking that PH!SH was really my band and that while I will certainly follow the Dead around I was going to focus on the boys from VT. There is a passion at PH!SH shows that I have not felt in large arenas with the exception of catching a Widespread Panic show in the south. Phans are totally dedicated and know every song, most of the times within the first few bars of the tune. Ninety Five is when my love of PH!SH really took off and since then I have had the chance to see them all over the east coast and in Spain.
The only bummer about ninety five was that in the fall a personal musical hero of mine finally made his deal with his god and passed away. I felt really guilty about it because after all I decided that I liked seeing PH!SH better than the Dead. But the same is not true for the Jerry Garcia Band. I would have always rather seen JGB over pretty much anyone other than Stevie Ray Vaughn but then Jerry had to go and die on me in the fall of ninety five. He was the reason I went to see the Dead and also the reason that due to his declining health I liked PH!SH better. JGB was awesome because there wasn't any Bobby influence and the song selection was amazing. I only got to see JGB twice in comparison to the Dead about a hundred times but the JGB shows were better than all the Dead shows combined. I didn't care what his politics, diet, or drug habits were, Jerry was just an awesome musician who seemed to really care about what he played and the fans.
I mentioned SRV previously and he was one of the best entertainers I have ever seen live. I only got to see him a couple of times but each one stands out in my memory even though it was more then twenty years ago. I was driving home from work on Perkins Row in Topsfield when I heard of his death on BCN and I just about drove off the road. He could play his guitar like no other man alive and had battled poverty and drugs to make a name for himself and provide for his family. He used to drink a quart of whiskey laced with cocaine to get himself out of bed. He was able to clean himself up however. He died like many other rockstars crashing in a helicopter after a show in Alpine Valley. Clapton gave up his seat for SRV. I dunno, I think I would have rather seen Clapton go but both would have been huge losses. Thing is, Clapton had been there and done that while Stevie was in the prime of his life. Some folks don't like his texas blues style but he did pave the way from a bunch of others. I hope to visit some site of SRV interest when I go to TX.
The last time I got to see SRV was at two am show on NYE 1987 at the Ritz in NYC. A bunch of my friends and I got tickets that afternoon for the show and spent the day hanging out and running around NYC. The show had many musical highlights but personal highlights for me included: seeing two hot girls making out at length for the first time, seeing a all night show in NYC, and walking out of a club into daylight at eighteen years old. We had all smuggled in pints of booze to drink during the show but I was so into SRV I didn't even crack the pint. We did however, dispatch them with great haste after everything was over. It was also the first time that I encountered a doorman and found a full crack vial on the street. Very interesting trip indeed.
Things are looking cheery on the xx chromo front as I had a few messages from a certain one yesterday. We made plans to see some music and I can't wait to hang with her. She is really sweet and seems book smart but not all that street smart but thats fine with me. I dunno how she feels about me of course, asking her would be way too easy but its cool that she is thoughtful enough to include me in her plans. I don't think she has a bo-bo, at least she doesn't constantly mention him like some chicks. She is incredibly hot and has a killer smile so hanging out with her is fun. She also seems to totally be into seeing live music which I think is very important for someone to like if she is going to spend any time with me. Live music is very important and a central theme in my life and whomever I trick into dating me will go a long way in enjoying that same scene.
20100106
The Arbour, My Trainer, & Puerto Rico
Today is Wednesday January Sixth Two Thousand Ten. Mr Passive Aggressive Boy is working from home today so it looks like today will be pretty mellow. I like mellow wednesdays because I go over to the Arbor Hospital in Jamaica Plain for my suboxone clinic meeting. I enjoy going over there because those folks are mostly responsible for my recovery, I mean AA has been great but the resources at the Arbor are what started everything. The fair leader Brian is an amazing human being and he treats us like people and not just cases. I am amazed that he isn't jaded yet because he has been at this for a while now and I am sure has seen lots of people fail. I make sure to tell him as often as I can how much he means to me and that I couldn't have done it without him. Dr. Feelgood is a good guy as well and he is the reason for my medication, without it I don't think I would have been able to deal. I will get into my feelings about Subutex later in this blog.
I met with Nancy my trainer last night and I told her that I am ready to take my training to another level. Not a superman level but I think I need more intensity in my workouts. Probably not the best thing to say to someone who could totally kick your ass in the gym but I want to push myself as much as I can. I guess I am used to dry land training and that TOTALLY kicks your ass. I know that, I lived thru a couple of them. So I have started riding the death cycle for thirty minutes and will be adding some more exercises to my routines. Nancy promised me that I would be doing a complete workout next time I meet with her so that should prove to be interesting. I weighed myself last night and the gym scale said that I was 235 which is down from the 250 a month ago. Some dude at the gym said the scale was off by four pounds per one hundred so I guess my weight it somewhere around 225 which makes me happy. I ordered my own scale which should be here this week so that should be my final answer. When it comes to my weight I like to write out the numerals because it is much more satisfying.
I have not smoked in a week and while it does still suck it is sucking less as the days go by. I do have a pretty fair nicotine candy habit but thats much better than not smoking or at least I am telling myself that. The only thing that sucks about the candy is the packages they come in have wicked sharp corners and I have poked my fingers a bunch when grabbing for them. I am almost certain they do that on purpose, just to make the things more fucking difficult to get at. They continue to taste like ass but its better than cold turkey for now.
So I have come to the conclusion that I absolutely love women. Big surprise I guess considering that I am a man but for so many years I really didn't think that I needed or wanted a woman to be a part of my life. I like their differences, their perspective, their craziness, and I love how they smell. I am sure I will suffer from nice guy syndrome and will be tossed into the friend zone but I don't really care at this point. Just hanging out with xx chromos is fine with me and gives me a chance to interact with others.
I am about ninety percent sure I am going to San Juan Puerto Rico the weekend after next which is a long weekend. Its right before my anniversary and I want to do something totally selfish and self serving. Jet Blue has some interesting flights for one fifteen a pop, one leaves at midnight on Friday and arrives at five am on Saturday. The return flight leaves at two am on Tuesday morning and arrives at Logan at five am. Three days, two nights in San Juan sound pretty fucking good right now. I am in the process of evaluating hotels or bed and breakfasts on the isle and I am certain that once I buy the tickets on Friday I will find at least a place to crash for two nights. I am hoping that its a nice place, I am willing to fork out up to two hundred fifty dollars a night for the excursion. I would be really nice to bring a girlie with me but not this year.
I met with Nancy my trainer last night and I told her that I am ready to take my training to another level. Not a superman level but I think I need more intensity in my workouts. Probably not the best thing to say to someone who could totally kick your ass in the gym but I want to push myself as much as I can. I guess I am used to dry land training and that TOTALLY kicks your ass. I know that, I lived thru a couple of them. So I have started riding the death cycle for thirty minutes and will be adding some more exercises to my routines. Nancy promised me that I would be doing a complete workout next time I meet with her so that should prove to be interesting. I weighed myself last night and the gym scale said that I was 235 which is down from the 250 a month ago. Some dude at the gym said the scale was off by four pounds per one hundred so I guess my weight it somewhere around 225 which makes me happy. I ordered my own scale which should be here this week so that should be my final answer. When it comes to my weight I like to write out the numerals because it is much more satisfying.
I have not smoked in a week and while it does still suck it is sucking less as the days go by. I do have a pretty fair nicotine candy habit but thats much better than not smoking or at least I am telling myself that. The only thing that sucks about the candy is the packages they come in have wicked sharp corners and I have poked my fingers a bunch when grabbing for them. I am almost certain they do that on purpose, just to make the things more fucking difficult to get at. They continue to taste like ass but its better than cold turkey for now.
So I have come to the conclusion that I absolutely love women. Big surprise I guess considering that I am a man but for so many years I really didn't think that I needed or wanted a woman to be a part of my life. I like their differences, their perspective, their craziness, and I love how they smell. I am sure I will suffer from nice guy syndrome and will be tossed into the friend zone but I don't really care at this point. Just hanging out with xx chromos is fine with me and gives me a chance to interact with others.
I am about ninety percent sure I am going to San Juan Puerto Rico the weekend after next which is a long weekend. Its right before my anniversary and I want to do something totally selfish and self serving. Jet Blue has some interesting flights for one fifteen a pop, one leaves at midnight on Friday and arrives at five am on Saturday. The return flight leaves at two am on Tuesday morning and arrives at Logan at five am. Three days, two nights in San Juan sound pretty fucking good right now. I am in the process of evaluating hotels or bed and breakfasts on the isle and I am certain that once I buy the tickets on Friday I will find at least a place to crash for two nights. I am hoping that its a nice place, I am willing to fork out up to two hundred fifty dollars a night for the excursion. I would be really nice to bring a girlie with me but not this year.
20100105
Tiny Snowpeople, Old Obsessions, & My New Camera
Today is Tuesday January Fifth Two Thousand Ten. Saw about six miniature snowpersons on the way to work this morning, one of each of a concrete pillar in someone's front yard. I should have taken some pics with my new Samsung SL620 but I left it at the house. More on the camera later, awesome news on that. Anyway, each snowperson was about ten inches high and was detailed with rocks, sticks and little pine cones. I am not normally an "awww, how cute" kinda guy but they def made my morning. Its little things like the mini snowpeople that make sobriety so awesome to me. If I was trudging to work last year at this time not only would it have been later but my mind would have been consumed with how I can avoid getting caught drinking on the job that day and if I had enough dough to call the dope man.
If I had enough dough to call the dope man then I would be obsessing with what time to call the bastard and what the earliest time the motherfucker would be able to swing by Longwood. Tony was quite possibly the worst and most inconvenient drug dealer in terms of his office hours. He did deliver but only between the hours of twelve pm and six pm. He didn't care if you called him repeatedly for more dope during the day just as long as it was during those hours. Heroin distribution is unlike any other drug distribution I have ever come across, more money didn't mean a better deal and you could call him as often as you wanted. He is a pretty nice guy I guess but I would be nice to someone too if they were calling me every other day to give me money. It makes me shudder to think about how much cash I gave that guy, some day I will add it up and post it here. I will also try and explain some of the more creative ways I came up with to legally get cash.
I am very happy with the Best Buy Corporation today and due to their honesty and goodwill I will not only pimp them to my friends I will also give them more of my business. I purchase most of my electronics from their website because one of their stores is in the Fenway area. Last September I purchased a digi camera for my first time. I did a ton of research and settled on a GE model that had all the features I wanted for a hundred bucks. It worked fine for my trip to Denver but when I turned it on for xmas it didn't seem to work. Thankfully I purchased the two year extened warranty for twenty five bucks and called BB so called geek squad (a name I loathe) to find out what my options were. They told me that I needed to go to BB and then send it back to GE for service. Fine with me as long as it doesn't cost anything and I get another camera before I turn fifty. The BBGSA explained that they didn't have to send it back and that they would replace it although the GE camera was only available on-line. I could get a store credit for a hundred bucks and look around for another one. Fine, I thought I will probably find one thats a little more $$ but with more features and I would be on way.
I settled on a Samsung SL620 that was org priced at one seventy but was on sale for one thirty. It had a better optical zoom and exposure bracketing than my other one and I reckoned it was worth the extra thirty bucks. The bitch tried to upsell me to a cannon but I told her that I didn't like cannons and that the Samsung would do. Actually I don't have an opinion on cannons but the one she was pointing at was another twenty bucks. So I brought the camera to the register in customer service and after fifteen minutes of clickity clacketying on the register the camera was mine. Without me having to pay anything extra. When I looked at the slippy there was a forty dollar discount as advertised and then another forty dollar discount that wasn't advertised. Works for me, the new camera has a ton of extra features that I didn't know about including some cool effects and I am very happy with the Best Buy Geek Squad. The only problem is the camera is a pinky-red but I can deal. After all, I was just yapping yesterday about my new sense of style.
So I have to come forward and be honest about something. I am very interested in two xx chromos, one who is in the program and another who is not. I have written about them before and am taking the slow and safe route with both of them. I don't really know if either of them would want to be more than my friend but they are very pleasant to oogle. Anyway, the one in the program sat next to me in a meeting last nite and I know this sounds like its coming from someone who is twelve but I swear she was checking me out. Even if this is all in my imagination its still cool to think that way and makes me feel better. Your ego takes such a beating when you start treatment that things like this are important. I really don't know if dating someone in the program is a good idea but then it seems like an excellent idea. I am not really worried about not being able to go to the same meetings or anything like that, there are plenty of them out there. Its just this girl is so godammed beautiful and I get all flustered when I try and talk to her. Harumph !
If I had enough dough to call the dope man then I would be obsessing with what time to call the bastard and what the earliest time the motherfucker would be able to swing by Longwood. Tony was quite possibly the worst and most inconvenient drug dealer in terms of his office hours. He did deliver but only between the hours of twelve pm and six pm. He didn't care if you called him repeatedly for more dope during the day just as long as it was during those hours. Heroin distribution is unlike any other drug distribution I have ever come across, more money didn't mean a better deal and you could call him as often as you wanted. He is a pretty nice guy I guess but I would be nice to someone too if they were calling me every other day to give me money. It makes me shudder to think about how much cash I gave that guy, some day I will add it up and post it here. I will also try and explain some of the more creative ways I came up with to legally get cash.
I am very happy with the Best Buy Corporation today and due to their honesty and goodwill I will not only pimp them to my friends I will also give them more of my business. I purchase most of my electronics from their website because one of their stores is in the Fenway area. Last September I purchased a digi camera for my first time. I did a ton of research and settled on a GE model that had all the features I wanted for a hundred bucks. It worked fine for my trip to Denver but when I turned it on for xmas it didn't seem to work. Thankfully I purchased the two year extened warranty for twenty five bucks and called BB so called geek squad (a name I loathe) to find out what my options were. They told me that I needed to go to BB and then send it back to GE for service. Fine with me as long as it doesn't cost anything and I get another camera before I turn fifty. The BBGSA explained that they didn't have to send it back and that they would replace it although the GE camera was only available on-line. I could get a store credit for a hundred bucks and look around for another one. Fine, I thought I will probably find one thats a little more $$ but with more features and I would be on way.
I settled on a Samsung SL620 that was org priced at one seventy but was on sale for one thirty. It had a better optical zoom and exposure bracketing than my other one and I reckoned it was worth the extra thirty bucks. The bitch tried to upsell me to a cannon but I told her that I didn't like cannons and that the Samsung would do. Actually I don't have an opinion on cannons but the one she was pointing at was another twenty bucks. So I brought the camera to the register in customer service and after fifteen minutes of clickity clacketying on the register the camera was mine. Without me having to pay anything extra. When I looked at the slippy there was a forty dollar discount as advertised and then another forty dollar discount that wasn't advertised. Works for me, the new camera has a ton of extra features that I didn't know about including some cool effects and I am very happy with the Best Buy Geek Squad. The only problem is the camera is a pinky-red but I can deal. After all, I was just yapping yesterday about my new sense of style.
So I have to come forward and be honest about something. I am very interested in two xx chromos, one who is in the program and another who is not. I have written about them before and am taking the slow and safe route with both of them. I don't really know if either of them would want to be more than my friend but they are very pleasant to oogle. Anyway, the one in the program sat next to me in a meeting last nite and I know this sounds like its coming from someone who is twelve but I swear she was checking me out. Even if this is all in my imagination its still cool to think that way and makes me feel better. Your ego takes such a beating when you start treatment that things like this are important. I really don't know if dating someone in the program is a good idea but then it seems like an excellent idea. I am not really worried about not being able to go to the same meetings or anything like that, there are plenty of them out there. Its just this girl is so godammed beautiful and I get all flustered when I try and talk to her. Harumph !
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
