Isometric Exercise & Why I Used

Today is Wednesday January Thirteenth Two Thousand Ten. I was reminded last nite how humbling isometric exercises were after I practiced a few with my trainer, Nancy. For the first time in six weeks I wasn't able to completely finish the sets and I would like to blame it on the 18 sets of other stuff I had done but I think I know what the problem is. I am just very weak in my upper body, something I had pointed out to me when I was rehabbing the scapula. I guess I have yet another goal in my fitness life, to get STRONG ! The last twenty six or so hours was chock full of fitness for me, did thirty minutes of cardio in the morning on tues, an hour of weight training with Nancy last nite, and thirty minutes of cardio this morning. I feel really good but it would take Nancy about fifteen, no ten minutes to knock me down. Heck, five even.

I have heard many stories in AA and other recovery groups about the reasons behind their dependence. Childhood abuse, depression, anxiety, and fear are the major ones and I have spent the better part of the last year trying to figure out what made me do what I did. Until I had a physical dependence on alcohol and opiates I just enjoyed an altered state. Going to the museum ? Lets get high and have a few pops, it will be better that way ! I had an awesome childhood, am not very anxious, and was only depressed when I couldn't think of living life without something in my system. I have taken just about every drug available on the black market with the exception of pcp and Special K and I never found god or myself when I was on substances. Have I used chemicals to deal with stress ? Most certainly but everything about my use was based on the ideal of better living thru chemistry. I am a pretty happy person normally and it takes a hell of a lot to get me down. I enjoyed getting high till it stopped working and being fun which was the last year and a half of my use.

I got into heroin after the pain meds from my knee surgery went out. I had done h in the past but not really on a daily use schedule. I would use it over the weekend and occasionally during a concert mid week but it wasn't till I had gotten used to taking opiates daily for months that I really made the decision to become a daily user. I knew exactly where this was going to take me, perhaps I didn't know about some of the physical withdrawal symptoms but I knew that this drug would take all my money and happiness and that the only way to stop would be detox, jail, or death. For a few years the drug worked and I kicked ass at work and was generally pretty happy. Then I started having problems keeping up with the amount that I snorted everyday and I couldn't afford to get the shit all the times. This is when the lost weekends started, I would have enough h to last me the work week and then I would go to my folks house in Topsfield and kick for the weekend.

By kick I don't mean kicking a soccer ball. By kick I mean punishing myself for two days by not doing heroin and drinking large volumes of vodka instead. I would place myself in an haze of booze to combat the withdrawal symptoms of the h. Withdrawal sucks. Not only do you have the psycho want of the drug but your body gets really pissed off at you. The first thing I noticed was that I had to poo almost constantly. Every twenty minutes or so and I use the term "poo" very loosely. After about twelve hours of constant pooing I would throw up a few times for good measure and then started the cold sweats and shakes. Many addicts in withdrawal experience restless leg syndrome when your legs will move on their own but that didn't really happen to me. I also don't understand what the big deal is about withdrawal, I mean it does really, really suck the first few times you go thru it but you sorta get used to it after awhile.

One thing I should point out is that two days is not nearly enough time to clear your body of heroin. For me it would take four to five days and I found that the third and fourth days are the worst because your body is plenty salty at you and you have not slept for a few days. Well, not at least a good beddie bye. People wonder why I took a drug that had such awful effects when you stop taking it and I don't really know what to tell them. Ya, it made me feel great but not nearly good enough to warrant the expense and sickness that follows you around. Another thing I want to point out is that opiates totally fuck up your bowels and your poo schedule is totally out the window. Other than not puking every couple of days my poo schedule is one of the best physical things about sobriety. Sorry to get graphic but thats something that totally needed pointing out in my opinion.

Do I miss heroin ? Yes and no, I missed the early years of my use when I could control it and it still made me feel great. I don't miss the people I had to deal with thats for certain and I don't miss being poor because I spent all my dough on dope. I most certainly don't miss the physical parts of opiate dependence and skipped over many of the details that I encountered while being addicted to the stuff. Heroin is a very selfish drug, I didn't share it, didn't tell anyone I was doing it and was very sneaky about the whole affair. I don't think it was shame as much as I was just focused on getting high and if you couldn't help me get some good smack then I wasn't going to talk to you about my drug use. I guess that last bit doesn't make any sense but my fingers are tired and I need to go do the shit they pay me to do.