Losing Stuff, Working With A$$holes, & moe.

Today is Thursday January Twenty Eighth Two Thousand Ten. I wish I could take every Tuesday off like I did this week, it really breaks things up. Its a good thing I am not all that superstitious, I mean I knock on wood and shit like that but not overly so. I say this because I lost my fucking medallion yesterday after not even having it for forty eight hours. I have some hope that whomever finds it will turn it in to lostnfound because it isn't worth any money but I am not going to hold my breath. I have searched where I was before I left yesterday but came up dry. I suppose it could be in my backpack somewhere and I have totally ripped it apart yet but I could swear it was in my pocket. The thing that kills me is that I carried those fucking aluminum chips around for months and never lost one. I am not the most organized person but I rarely lose stuff so maybe this was my time. Being the optimist that I am, at least its only a year medallion so its easy to replace and its not like I had it long enough to get attached to that particular one. Jebus.

Not much to report today, in fact I think I am going to save this one as a draft and just attach it tomorrow when I write.

Today is Friday January Twenty Ninth Two Thousand Ten. I am avoiding this jackass at work today because he never has anything constructive to say and is generally an asshole. Almost everyone can't stand him, for years I thought it was just me. He is everything that I don't want to be so I am steering well clear of him and will deal with him only if I have to. Is it fear, damn straight it is. I know that he tattled on me a few times before I got sober, I have proof and he also physically threatened me once. I just walked away, no sense in fistacuffs at work and plus he is about five inches taller than me. I don't often hate someone that I know personally and I always try and seem some good but I can faithfully say that I hate this guys guts. I know I shouldn't dwell on it but he exhibits some bizarre behavior, he once invited me to his house for the 4th as if we were buddies. Yech.

I am happy to get thru this last week of January and all the memories from last Jan that went with it. Its not easy to admit to others that your addiction is greater than you can control and it seems like such a long road ahead when you start your recovery. Its nice to not to be counting days anymore but I still have a long way to go. My goal is to have more days sober than more days drunk and that is going to take quite a few years. I still enjoy aa mtgs and the fellowship that goes along with them as well as that one speaker or meeting that makes you take a step back and be glad for life. We had one such speaker last nite who has twenty years of sobriety and he remembers his drinking like it was yesterday. Like some of the other older members he still carries shame due to the consequences that were a result of his actions when he was drinking. I wonder if that is going to be me, a sixty year old Todd going to meetings five or six times a week. I can't say I don't hope for or against that. If five or six meetings a week is what it takes for me to maintain my sobriety then thats just fine.

Looking forward to moe tonight, they are such a fun band to see and the crowd is always cool and really into the band. As long as I don't run into Kristen I will be happy. I am not even sure she lives in Boston anymore because I didn't see her at the Greyboys or at either moe show last winter. So either she moved away or she is now a shut it, both are certainly possible for her. That was a very weird end to a very weird friendship, she treated me like her boyfriend and then never spoke to me again. I called her twice and sent her two emails and she never responded to any of them. How strange, I remember that a few years ago we got into a spat about something I don't recall and she wouldn't speak to me for months and then I saw her at a show and she acted like nothing was wrong. I sort of shrugged and went with it never to bring it up. I am pretty sure she is manic because her moods would swing in major ways. Wherever she is I hope she learns how to be happy and take care of herself. Who knows, maybe she found her way into NA.

It is really cool to look forward to weekends as time to have fun rather than just a respite from work when I could drink all weekend. I used to think that if I could just make it thru the week to the weekend then I could drink in earnest and solve my many problems. I think I am getting closer to finding out why I needed to be drunk and high, beyond the obvious physical dependencies. I was obviously blocking something and I honestly don't rightly know what it was. I am a pretty happy guy, don't have any childhood horrors I am forgetting, not in trouble with the law, have not had relationship issues because I would have to have a relationship for those. I think I was scared of the future and was living only in the present. Drinking and getting high helped me not to care about what was going to happen the next day, week, month, or year.