Four Day Weeks, Sleep, & Ed's Share

Today is Friday February Twelfth Two Thousand Ten. Twelfth has a cooler spelling than eleventh but isn't nearly as satisfying to say out loud. Oh well, guess I have to wait another month for that. As I said yesterday, its the little things that please me these days. I always like the Friday before a long weekend, people are so much happier and glad to be alive. There are less people on the mbta and less cars on the roads. Some staff here at CHB work four day weeks and I would give my left nut to work mon, tues, thu, and fri. I would even work twelve hour days four days a week if I could have that schedule. Granted working a full week is much easier now that I am not drunk all the time but having Wednesdays off every week would be awesome.

My sleep patterns are kinda wacky. Before I got sober I would only sleep for an hour and then wake up and try to get back to sleep again. Early in my sobriety I was taking rx'd sleep meds so I was out like a light but I stopped taking them early this summer. Lately I have been sleeping for two or three hours and then waking up but this last week I have slept pretty much thru the whole night. I'd like to think that my exercise has something to do with it but I don't know. I didn't go to the gym this morning because Mondays and Fridays are my optional days and I was able to sleep till seven thirty. I am going to hit the gym like a good little monkey this weekend and am really looking forward to it. I came up with a revised workout schedule so I can fit another day of weight training in and I am hoping to get more of the results I am looking for. I am already getting stronger with better definition but of course I want more.

Once again the Thursday nite beginners meeting was awesome. We had about ten people and my friend Ed spoke. Not my sponsor Ed but another Ed. We have four Eds in Cambridge AA: Flaky Ed (my sponsor), Carpenter Ed (spoke last nite), Bald Ed, and Suit Ed. Anyway, Ed spoke last night and I took a few things away from it. First is that his whole family are alcoholics. Thats what his family is known for and everyone drinks to excess and he is the only one who has quit. That takes a tremendous amount of balls to go against what you have known your whole life. He has told me that his brothers will cal him when they are hammered and drink alcoholically when they are around him. The second thing that was amazing was what happened after his last drink. He had finished off a half pint from the day before and was searching his wife's house for more booze. He looked everywhere and while he was reaching up on a shelf he found an AA meeting book. Granted his wife probably placed it there but its an awesome story.

I didn't have any "Ah Ha !" moment like that. Having a loaded revolver in one hand and a beer in the other can take your attention from moments like that. Granted I have held plenty of loaded firearms but never when I was drinking and I never thought about capping myself with one. I am glad I was too much of a pussy to pull the trigger, I'd like to think I was too compassionate about my family and friends to do it but I don't think thats the reason. I like life. I like looking at shit, walking around checking shit out, talking shit to others. I mean no matter how remote there is a possibility that a woman might trust me enough to be intimate and I was going to give that up by shooting myself in the head ? What an asshole. Hell, I wouldn't have the awesome sneaker collection I have today if I was dead. I joke about the elephant in the room, Suicide, but for the first time in my life I actually thought about it and I think thats pretty sad. I let my addictions run my life for so long I just didn't know any other type of behavior. Ed said last night that he never thought he could live without drinking and I thought the same thing. Weddings are a popular topic for discussion, "What do I do about the toast ?" Drink water you fucking jackass, its not what you are drinking that makes the toast.

So I have given myself a time frame to take action about this crush I have. I have a couple more events to go to with her and then I will give myself a month after the last one. After that month if I still get all wiggy when I think about her I will come right out and tell her the truth. Which will suck. But I have to know where I stand with this xx chromo because there are others out there that I might be missing. Perhaps I was already friend zoned and she just feels super comfortable with me. I always yap that "action is the key" (pp.83bb) but when it comes to women I slack big time. It is just difficult when you spend the majority of your life hating yourself and being ashamed of your actions its hard to think that another human being might take you for what and who you are.