The Smelly Dude Returns & Feb Goals

Today is Tuesday February Second Two Thousand Ten. I did my first job as the Welcome All group secretary and while I forgot a few things I think it went all right. I was asked to speak to the group next week and of course I said yes and that ought to be interesting. I find that I have something to add to my story every time I think about telling it so hopefully I can bring something new for those who have heard me before. I started practicing on my way to Alewife this morning so that I will sound ok to those in the audience. The way I look at it is that some of these people have heard many, many shares and I want to relate my thoughts in a coherent way. I am psyched to talk about my breakthru with Sophie last weekend and talk about my fear of the future. This is what AA does for you, it makes you psyched to talk about your fears, feelings, and emotions in a way you never would have been able to before. I think thats why I don't see a psychologist anymore, I was not getting anywhere with him and never really opened up during our ten or so sessions. Also, he never had a substance problem and my abuse was at the root of my depression and discontent. I always get a little nervous before I speak but once I am up there everything is cool.

The smelly dude was back last nite and he was very disruptive to everyone in the meeting. Besides his drunken babble when others were speaking he kept getting up and stumbling around. To make matters worse for him he ended up falling on his face and then yelling at someone for tripping him. This guy next to me kept laughing and I am hoping it was nervous laughter because there wasn't anything funny about this guy. He is what we would call a low bottom drunk and it is really both sad and a wake up call to see him tottering around the meeting. He always says that thru AA he has quit drinking but it is very obvious that is not the case and that he is super drunk and out of the control. One thing I have learned about and seen first hand in the selfish part of addiction. Always calling attn to yourself and sticking out in a crowd. I certainly did plenty of that when I was active.

I got super pissed yesterday. It was due to a bunch of things and I needed to chill out and relax. I am such a mellow person normally and it kinda scares me when I get angry. It is even worse when I get angry at work, because of something that has happened at work. It wasn't like I was going to go get wasted because of it or anything like that, I just had a little tantrum which I needed to deal with. I now know to take myself out of the situation that had caused me the anger and to find something else to occupy my time. Its important more me to realize that getting angry isn't going to solve anything and that if I wait for a few minutes while removing myself from the situation I will be fine.

Going to Galactic with some friends at the Paradise tomorrow nite, so excited for it. Not only will there be some new friends there but also some older ones as well. Of course the first thing I thought of it whether or not Randy will be there and if he is I will just have to deal with it when the time comes. I was sorta hoping he would take the first step but I don't think thats going to happen. Maybe out friendship isn't as strong as I thought it was and that he really can't deal with my sobriety. I think thats pretty stupid but if thats the way he feels then there isn't much I can do about it. He has his new girl friend to focus on and I guess I will have to move on. My health is more important than his friendship or I would have already confronted him. It is just an open wound that I seem to pour salt on as often as I am able.

I have a training session scheduled for tonight and I am pretty psyched for it. I am going to focus on my workouts and diet this month and see how much I can do. I am going to try and push myself in the gym as much as I can and be really watchful in what I eat. I have the tendency to wake up and few hours early and chow down a bowl of Special K and I am going to stop doing that. I will make sure to eat more than I have been for diner so I don't wake up so hungry. I have lost at least twenty pounds so far and I my goal for Feb is another ten. I think I can do it and if I am able then I will be on the road to my end goal which is another twenty after that. I have a pair of jeans that I bought a size too small which I hope to fit into by the time I go to Texas in March. I realize thats such a chick thing to say and do but hell, if it works it works.