New AA Mtg,, Sponsor, & Friends

Today is Tuesday February Sixteenth Two Thousand Ten but it feels like a Monday. Its going to be a busy week because I am working late a few nights and last week was so busy that I neglected a few things. It really sucks to feel like I am walking on eggshells here, I thought I had enough of that when I was drinking every day but its still happening. I feel like any little mistake or error will be magnified by pinhead and every time something does not go exactly as planned I need to have plenty of reasons for that. I realize that pinhead has good reason not to trust me and I don't think he believes I am sober. I have made this bed and now I have to sleep in it to take a crappy cliche but its the truth. I promised myself that I would start looking for another job this week and I hope I have time to do so.

I am going to check out a meeting in Brookline tonight for the first time. I've heard good things about this one and the Cambridge meetings are getting a little stale. Not all of them but two certainly are and its understandable since I've been attending those meetings for more than a year. I am just very lucky to live in a place where there are so many meetings and there is public transpo to get my ass there. Brookline is very close to work and I don't really have a Tuesday nite meeting that I like to attend in Cambridge so I am going to check it out. I am supposed to meet with my sponsor on Tuesdays but I think I am going to have to figure something else out. Its not that I don't like him I am just tired of dealing with the poor communication skills that he has. Even when I leave him a msg and say its important I never hear back from him. I don't know if I have decided to get another sponsor or not but at this point he has three sponsees that I know of and perhaps thats too many for him.

I'm torn, I don't want to hurt his feelings but I also am tired of not being able to reach him or when I do reach his voicemail leaving a msg that I know won't be returned. I am sure that I am worrying much to much about this and that he if anyone would understand. Of course that leaves me with the task of finding another sponsor which I'm not worried about. There is this guy named Van who I've gotten to know pretty well from the quaker friends meeting that I think would agree and if that doesn't work out there are a few other guys I'd feel comfortable with. I think Ed tries to help too many people and loses focus on what he is working on. I just don't want to ruin a good friendship because of this so I will have to play it smartly. I really like to have a forum to share this stuff even if it is just for myself. I feel better just typing about it and god forbid I should actually talk to some other person about what I am feeling. Ye Gods !

So I am trying to be a grownup these days. Whenever I tell someone what I am up to I can tell that they are thinking to themselves "About time, dude." Well, I may have been a late bloomer but late is better than never. I have been thinking about Randy a bunch these days. Because everything is about me I can't help thinking that doesn't he care if I am still sober or not or does he have faith that I am able to maintain my sobriety ? Does he even think about our friendship or is our twenty years at an end ? I can tell others that it doesn't really bother me and that I can live life without interacting with him and while thats the truth I do miss hanging out with him. Maybe its time to let go and forget. Maybe its time to decide that he is going to do what the hell he wants to do and my friendship really doesn't mean all that much to him after all. Maybe its time to write the motherfucker off and stop worrying about his actions. Courtney asked me for my advice last week and I am trying to figure out what to tell her. Does he rate another chance ? I don't really know. Think, think, think, talk, talk, talk. Decide.