Today is Wednesday February Twenty Fourth Two Thousand Ten. Its a rainy little bitch outside and a good test of my new goretex rainwear. I guess when its gortex its not a raincoat but rainwear. Anyway my previous goretex shell was about twelve years old and leaked quite a bit and the only other rain shielding garment I have is this gigantic parka I bought when I used to wear suits everyday. So in typical fashion I went to REI to buy some luggage accessories and walked out with a new NorthFace shell. It was on sale for a hundred bucks and was exactly what I wanted because it was only a shell and didn't have anything else. I have about a dozen fleeces, hoodies, and vests to wear underneath it and even tho the sales dude tried to upsell me I resisted. Its a little drab but then again rain, sleet, and snow are pretty fucking drab as well. Whatever, having too many jackets makes me happy just like having too many pairs of sneakers. Not that I could have too many pairs of kicks mind you.
Last nite was awesome. Having the ability to take my pop out to dinner and then to the game is a gift of sobriety. He walked right past me when I was waiting because I look so different than the last time he saw me which was a little over a month ago. I was looking in the mirror this morning and I detect a shrinkage of my love handles which is awesome. Those motherfuckers were giving quite a fight and I was wondering if I would have to get them sucked out or something. Not that I would ever do that, I think the only vanity type thing I would do other than dealing with grey hair would be to have the excess skin that remains as a result of my weight loss removed. I am not planning on doing anything like that but its the only thing I can think of at the moment. Everything else is shrinking and toning nicely and I am pretty happy with the progress and don't care about perfection. Ok, well maybe with my hair but there isn't much I need to do with that except get it chopped every few months. Like my finger and toe nails my hair grows super fast and I have the tendency to let it slide for too long. Probably too much information but I don't give a toot.
Going to see Spearhead open up for John Mayer tonight. Normally I wouldn't spend fifty bucks to see Franti and the boys but I am going with five other xx chromos so it should be a blast. It will also enable me to put into words verbally what I have not been able to write in emails to Courtney. This whole thing with Randy is bothering me and quickly starting to really piss me off. As I recollect and ponder what has transpired I am just aghast that I didn't say anything at the time. Granted I was on my own downward spiral and each incident can be forgiven if looked at separately but when you put them all together it really paints a horrible picture of the kid. I was talking to my sponsor about some of Randy's actions of late and he was speechless before I was thru. I really hope he gets it, I can talk all tough and tell other people that it doesn't bother me but deep down I miss his friendship and what was once his trust and dedication to me. Now I just don't know whats still there if anything and its not like magically he will decide that the sober way is the better way and want to start a recovery program. I just don't know how much lower he can go, esp if he is looking at more jailtime. I once told him that if he went to jail again for dealing drugs that I wasn't going to visit him or support him in any way. Now thats fucking harsh.
These are not great feelings but the important thing is that I am able to deal with them like a grown up. I babble all the time about how important it is to me to have integrity and honesty and I still feel that way. If I am not honest with myself then I will think I can drink and use heroin and still maintain my healthy lifestyle. If I don't have integrity which to me is only gained by complete honesty then I don't have a leg to stand on thinking about whats so wrong with the way Randy is living his life right now. I just don't want him to think that I am placing myself on a pedestal before him or am somehow better than him because I am sober. I do place myself in a pedestal in my own mind, I think everyone does that because if you are not your own biggest fan then who is going to be ? Yes, my lifestyle and overall health is better than his right now but I hope to lead my example and prove to him that someone like myself who didn't think could get thru the day without being fucked up on something, can actually look forward to full days of sobriety.
There were two things I was worried about before I got and felt comfortable in sobriety and since the last time I had any sort of continued sobriety was in eighty three I was worried. The first was what the people would be like in my recovery program and if I would be able to tolerate them. I am willing to tolerate just about anyone if it helps me feel better but I wondered if I would actually enjoy their company. The first people I met in sobriety were the fellow detoxers on the second floor of the Arbor Hospital dual diagnosis wing. I certainly got along with everyone else and except for the whiny bitches (this does not denote male or female just addicts in general) I was able to have interesting conversations. They were from very different backgrounds than I was but we had the common theme of addiction. I then went to the Parker house where I met even more addicts and once again I was the only rookie in the bunch and really didn't have anything in common with these folks except for addiction. It was a group of about twenty of us and I once had most of their numbers but I have not heard from any of them in months. I often wonder if anyone else followed up on their impassioned promises of sobriety and working their recovery. My psyche doc told me I was an exception not the rule.
Then I started going to AA and my first post detox meeting was in Malden where the average age was around sixty five. I went to a couple of NA meetings where I didn't feel at all comfortable and somehow I ended up at a Cambridge AA. The rest is history that is still being written but I feel very fortunate that I found the Cambridge "core" group of fellowship. If there is a higher power then he/she/it convinced me to walk for twenty minutes in the cold January nite to a meeting at the Harvard Divinity School. Its def not a location you just happen to walk by, you def need to seek it out and in the mtg book it is not at all clear that it is a beginner's meeting as well. What I have found in the fellowship of Cambridge AA is not easy to put into words. I have found many wonderful people who are dedicated to maintaining their sobriety and helping others get sober. There are people within that fellowship that I can honestly and proudly call me friends and I feel comfortable seeing them outside the halls. Yes, the girls are pretty and I think I have written too much about that but its more than that. Either they are good actors or people are generally happy to see me and are happy for the progress that I have made over this past year and I can honestly say the same for them. Do I like everyone ? Certainly not but their are enough progressive, liberal, happy, and trustworthy people for me to feel comfortable.
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